There are only very few fights, but they are nasty

[Gaeta]

I wonder when things are good between you and your boyfriend if you don't go into 'sabotage' mode. Those fights are mainly instigated by you. 'Turmoil' is a place you know well and feel comfortable in, you said that's what you've known all your life. Peace, trust, consideration is a new territory and you seem uncomfortable in it. 

Consideration goes such a long way in a romantic relationship. 

Consideration looks like this: Hon when you have a moment would you come and cuddle with me for a few minutes. Here you are considering he is doing something and you let him decide when it's a good time for him to come cuddle.  Consideration is letting you get out for your walk when you need it, consideration is double checking your availability for vacation, consideration is walking away before the shut the F up comes out of your mouth. Consideration is not nagging him because he wants to help his grand pa. 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, brokenbird said:

Its the fact that he said he has to make a great effort to not cuss me out when that point arrives.

This likely reflects his lack of communication and conflict resolution skills - either that, or he gets frustrated to the point that this is all he has left. 

Without a doubt, it’s not cool for him to swear at you ever. 

Your role here is to ask yourself how you are contributing to these disagreements that frustrate him to the point that he looses his cool.

Do you have a church or is there a way that you could get some counselling together as a form of premarital preparation? I would not marry a man without resolving these kind of issues - related to boundaries, communication, and conflict resolution. 

Edited April 21 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

'Turmoil' is a place you know well and feel comfortable in, you said that's what you've known all your life. Peace, trust, consideration is a new territory and you seem uncomfortable in it. 

This is very common for people who grow up in an abusive home, or with an alcoholic parent. It’s really, really hard to have a healthy relationship when one has never known one. The patterns tend to repeat themselves because the way in which we relate to others is learned and deeply ingrained. And, as you say, the constant turmoil feels normal and peace in a relationship feels very uncomfortable.

Edited April 21 by BaileyB

[Els]

I say this kindly: You are nitpicking far too much. The situation where he initially was going to do some gaming then "typed some words" and stopped his gaming to come and cuddle you should really just have ended there... with cuddling. What was the purpose in nitpicking on his communication before and after? It just sounds to me like he had raid night planned, and when he saw you needed him he changed his plans. When he was "typing some words", he was probably trying to arrange with his mates to get someone to cover him and he would join them later.

You need to learn to pick your battles. It's not "normal" or "healthy" to be arguing every single week. It's okay for people's words or communication or decisions to be less than perfect. You need to focus on the big picture and if there are major issues with the big picture, address that in a civil conversation WITHOUT nitpicking. Obviously we are all human and arguments happen, but if they happen this often it's a huge red flag and a sign of something wrong.

[brokenbird]

4 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

He's making the effort & you're still miffed. 

 

3 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Well then, try to behave in such a way that he doesn’t need to make such a great effort

Yes, but let's say your partner hits you and if you just shut up, they dont. He shouldnt not say bad things just because I act perfect, but because it is an obvious thing to avoid if you love someone. Getting on his nerves just because in a nice tone I repeat something is not the same as saying something nasty, the first one is not a mean or disgusting thing to do, just annoying, but the second one is straight up rude. Both of them is about respect, but if I annoy him I dont do it to hurt him, Im still being nice, just pushy, but if he says something mean, well that is mean , not just annoying, straight up hurtful. I would be okay if in the future he yelled at me to snap back to reality, but he doesnt need to call me names. Although as I said before, every time he says exactly one thing, then he hears himself and thats it. For example, this time it was the shut the f up, a while ago it was hysterical ahole, but he never repeated or said "more".

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is what a dying relationship looks like. 

Another year or two and it will be done. He is getting tired of this and it shows. Sadly, you will likely be shocked when he finally ends it, but that's where this is heading. 

I dont know why people liked this comment. I could agree if there wouldnt be so many breakthroughs, long conversations, and many more things I dont talk about because for me, this place is about talking problems and not talking positive happenings.

 

11 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Are you two having a texting argument going on at the same time you're writing about him here?

Obviously not. Nothing unhealthy or hurtful, in my words it is arguement about how we feel and what we want to improve, but it is rather debate, as someone said. Its given there is a need to talk about it.

 

17 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Is there happiness, joy, and peace in this relationship?

Much of it, I just dont see the point in talking about it. I dont know what I should say. Every night he feels safe from lying in my lap, and every morning he turns to me to cuddle before we get up. Or that he buys me things that are so thoughtful even I cant think of things like those. He prefers me playing on my computer next to him when he is playing on his, because for him that is time spent togehter. He asks me to cook for him every time he finds something he would like to try and he has full trust in me that its going to be good, and if it turns out bad, he tells me 'well baby, thank you so much, but next time we should skip this meal '. I buy him small things that he needs but he is not willing to buy for himself, he hadnt needed to buy a single bottle of bodywash, razor, pair of socks, underwear, etc in the past 4 years. I could write many joyful things, but it is not a place to tell happy stories

[Els]

2 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

He asks me to cook for him every time he finds something he would like to try and he has full trust in me that its going to be good, and if it turns out bad, he tells me 'well baby, thank you so much, but next time we should skip this meal '. I buy him small things that he needs but he is not willing to buy for himself, he hadnt needed to buy a single bottle of bodywash, razor, pair of socks, underwear, etc in the past 4 years

I'm confused. So this guy doesn't cook and isn't willing to buy razor, bodywash, socks, or underwear for himself??? What did he DO before you two got together? Does he work?

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

I could write many joyful things, but it is not a place to tell happy stories

Most of the example that you offer are examples of things that you do for him. Can you offer examples of things he does for you that bring you peace and joy - aside from cuddling? 

[brokenbird]

1 minute ago, Els said:

I'm confused. So this guy doesn't cook and isn't willing to buy razor, bodywash, socks, or underwear for himself??? What did he DO before you two got together? Does he work?

Ah, communication in texting is tiring as hell. No, try to read it in the opposite way. I dont need to walk because he takes me everywhere. He doesnt need to shop because I do it. We share responsibilities in ways that are comfortable for us. I hate the bus and he likes to drive, he hates shopping and I love going to shops.

Of course he works, he is a blue collar guy working his @ss off 9 hours a day.

[smackie9]

OK we can assume and throw some suggestions/advice your way....I think, if marriage is pending, go get pre marriage counselling. It specific to this because not only does it execute ways to communicate better but also to discuss expectations, like about finances, buying a house, how many kids, how will the kids be raised, how will the chores be split up, percentage of income into the household, retirement, mortgage, family expectations, vacations....the whole thing from start to finish of your lives to be sure you both are ready and on the same page.

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

If marriage is pending, go get pre marriage counselling. It specific to this because not only does it execute ways to communicate better but also to discuss expectations, like about finances, buying a house, how many kids, how will the kids be raised, how will the chores be split up, percentage of income into the household, retirement, mortgage, family expectations, vacations....the whole thing from start to finish of your lives to be sure you both are ready and on the same page.

If you are going to take one piece of advice from this discussion OP - this should be the advice that you take.

 

Edited April 21 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

29 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

while ago it was hysterical ahole

He called you that?

[brokenbird]

Just now, Gaeta said:

He called you that?

Yup, and he was right, but still. I indeed was hungry for attention and instead of asking for help, I was over acting. Looking back, I was childish as hell. Thank god I didn't post then, I have learned that by myself. If you want me to be specific 'if you didn't act like a hysterical ahole and asked for help, I would have been there'

[ExpatInItaly]

39 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

I dont know why people liked this comment.

Because we can see around corners that you are too young and inexperienced to see yet. 

You are in deep denial about this relationship and your threads prove as much. 

Edited April 21 by ExpatInItaly

[brokenbird]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Do you have a church or is there a way that you could get some counselling together as a form of premarital preparation? I would not marry a man without resolving these kind of issues - related to boundaries, communication, and conflict resolution. 

I have already mentioned this to him. If he proposes, we take 3-4 times and let a therapist help 

 

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Because we can see around corners that you are too young and inexperienced to see yet. 

You are in deep denial about this relationship and your threads prove as much. 

Yet people dont say that we are going to end, rather that we are going to end if we keep on doing what we do now, but they give advices on how not to be the same. You shouldnt forget that as long as 2 people choose each other every time, they wont end just because of some statistics. If it was like that, married couples 50 years ago would have ended because many of them had the craziest fights you have ever seen, at least I had the chance to look into a few old marriages . But they chose to stay and work insetad of throwing it in the trash, when it is the hardest thing to find someone that loves you.

 

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Turmoil' is a place you know well and feel comfortable in, you said that's what you've known all your life. Peace, trust, consideration is a new

Yes and same goes for him, just he different direction. Noone gave a damn about him, he just had to listen to his mentally unstable mother from the other room.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

You shouldnt forget that as long as 2 people choose each other every time, they wont end just because of some statistics.

No, they will end because the relationship is dysfunctional and one person gets sick of the drama. What is this talk about statistics? I said no such thing. 

10 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

it is the hardest thing to find someone that loves you.

Nah. Again, this is your youth and inexperience (and fear) speaking. And what you two have isn't some great love, anyway. It's full of conflict and resentment. It wouldn't be that hard for you both to find better matches that make you happier. 

I think you are hoping he feels this way so he won't leave you, but he obviously is getting worn out by this relationship. 

[ExpatInItaly]

31 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

I indeed was hungry for attention and instead of asking for help, I was over acting. Looking back, I was childish as hell.

What did you do?

[brokenbird]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And what you two have isn't some great love, anyway. It's full of conflict and resentment

Its a good thing you cant decide this, because you dont live with us 24/7 😁 By the way, it does matter if resentment is present because of some dumb sh that two inexperiences kids have done along the years or "real" problems. Because the first type disappears over time, just like many things did.

[brokenbird]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What did you do?

Three of us were hanging out at ours. I had the thoughest week because I had to teach 6 new interns in 3 days while working overtime. I had a new kind of anxiety attack while sitting there with bf and friend, I felt like I could not move. I felt like someone should snap me out because 10 minutes had already passed and I began to feel ashamed. But none of them did and later I got into offensive mode. I went for a walk and when he came after me, he told me to talk inside because he wont make a scene at night on the street (btw no one was even near, just dark houses) and later he told me I should not had been ... Also they explained I have a tendency of staring at nothing for longer periods of time so they had no idea. A week later I told him I was childish and I felt like it was so shameful I had an anxiety attack in front of them that I just wanted to get it over with but I could not move a bit and I felt like he saw that just didn't want to help. So basically I was so anxious that I projected that on him,apologised for that, but also said that even if I made a mistake, namecalling is not acceptable

[Versacehottie]

On 4/20/2024 at 6:14 AM, brokenbird said:

I feel like every time someone posts, its always them who are the bad guy.

Not always but sometimes that is the case if there are repetitive themes. It doesn't help YOU to get defensive about it when/if you want to resolve your issues with your guy.

Most importantly, part of the way it can SEEM like that is some people (including myself) give advice with this in mind: you can only change yourself, not your partner. But also, typically when you change your actions, reactions, internal thoughts, your dynamic will change with your relationships. 

I would just add that from what little i've seen here I agree with Bailey & Nuevo about you likely trying to CONTROL your partner, because you are asking the same of us in the way you get your responses from us. So that seems like something you regularly do.   You also seem to want information for how you can change him or the situation (external things) rather than change your internal thoughts and your actions, which lines up with someone who typically has trouble regulating their emotions and expecting  your partner to do if for you or to sooth you through your emotional highs/lows when some of that is unreasonable, excessive or best done with self-regulation. Even if you got a better handle on self-regulating, the fights would be less "nasty". 

[ExpatInItaly]

27 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

I felt like someone should snap me out because 10 minutes had already passed and I began to feel ashamed. But none of them did and later I got into offensive mode.

Snap you out of what? Staring into space? I don't get what was happening in those 10 minutes What happened when you went into "offensive mode"?

27 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

I went for a walk and when he came after me

This sounds like code for "I got mad and left." Is it? 

27 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

he told me to talk inside because he wont make a scene at night on the street (btw no one was even near, just dark houses) 

He knew an argument was brewing. Were you two bickering in the street? 

For him to have called you a hysterical after this tells me this was likely a more dramatic episode than you're presenting here. 

27 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

So basically I was so anxious that I projected that on him

You were anxious, or you wanted attention? Further upthread you said yourself you were hungry for attention. 

27 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

namecalling is not acceptable

It's not. He was wrong about that. But you didn't make a mistake with your behaviour either. It reads like a very deliberate call for attention from him.

That is why I said he sounds like he is getting sick of this relationship. You seem to manufacture an awful lot of drama and he is nearing the end of his rope here. I am not suggesting he is perfect, but you need to wake up and get a handle on yourself before he dumps you. 

 

Edited April 21 by ExpatInItaly

[Gaeta]

Since December you have 4 threads about fighting regularly. That says something very important that you refuse to face.

No, love does not conquer it all, that's for Walt Dysney. Older couples put up with years of abuse because they were under religious pressure and women were unable to financially support themselves. Given the chance half the babyboomers married women would have left their marriage. 

Yes couples remain together through financial hardship, illness, raising children, growing old, and it's very honorable. There is nothing honorable in remaining in a relationship when people are dysfunctional, toxic, do not address their mental illness. 

I have learn there is something men don't put up with for long and it's drama. Your bf thinks if he proposes you will be happy and the drama will stop. If only he was mature enough to know that proposing will only drag him deeper into the abiss.

[brokenbird]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

Since December you have 4 threads about fighting regularly.

That doesnt mean its any deeper than in any other relationship. Its just that for me, even one fight is too much. 4 threads mean we had 4 fights "worth to mention" , but I believe they were not about fights. One was about me thinking differently of protecting the other and one was about ED

[Ami1uwant]

3 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

That doesnt mean its any deeper than in any other relationship. Its just that for me, even one fight is too much. 4 threads mean we had 4 fights "worth to mention" , but I believe they were not about fights. One was about me thinking differently of protecting the other and one was about ED

What were the fights about?

[brokenbird]

Just now, Ami1uwant said:

What were the fights about?

Its either option a, or option b, which is the upgraded version of a,. 

a, we try to talk about something that one did a bit out of place, the other doesnt agree, so one tries to explain, but the other refuses to compromise -> b, is the same but it goes as far as the og question stated, one says something that shouldnt be said 

Since my very first thread about lies of p0rn use, we havent really had any reasonable arguements because we dont do things purposefully to hurt the other. For sure lying about something like I mentioned was hurtful as hell, but we did got out of that pit and instead of letting his bad habits win, ér created a better environment for intimacy

[Gaeta]

33 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

That doesnt mean its any deeper than in any other relationship. Its just that for me, even one fight is too much. 4 threads mean we had 4 fights "worth to mention" , but I believe they were not about fights. One was about me thinking differently of protecting the other and one was about ED

No no, l only counted the threads dealing with fights, that's 4, and l left the other threads out.