There are only very few fights, but they are nasty

[brokenbird]

50 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

No no, l only counted the threads dealing with fights, that's 4, and l left the other threads out.

I only have 6 threads, including this one. So thats five. One is about being too calm. Thats four. One is about ED. 3 left. One is about porn. So only 2 can be about fights.

Not that it matters, really

[Ami1uwant]

4 hours ago, brokenbird said:

I only have 6 threads, including this one. So thats five. One is about being too calm. Thats four. One is about ED. 3 left. One is about porn. So only 2 can be about fights.

Not that it matters, really

Hoe long have you been with him?  Why are you still together

[basil67]

8 hours ago, brokenbird said:

Yes, but let's say your partner hits you and if you just shut up, they dont. He shouldnt not say bad things just because I act perfect, but because it is an obvious thing to avoid if you love someone. Getting on his nerves just because in a nice tone I repeat something is not the same as saying something nasty, the first one is not a mean or disgusting thing to do, just annoying, but the second one is straight up rude. Both of them is about respect, but if I annoy him I dont do it to hurt him, Im still being nice, just pushy, but if he says something mean, well that is mean , not just annoying, straight up hurtful.

First up, he didn't hit you.  Second, you haven't mentioned any ongoing verbal abuse.  What you're describing here is a guy who's been brought to the end of his rope by you not dropping a conversation.  Moreso, when someone comes out with 'shut the F up", it's often following them trying to respectfully end the discussion but the other person won't drop it.  They end up exasperated and make themselves bluntly clear.  

If you're making him this exasperated, you're not being nice or respectful.  Again, I suggest you start learning about him using quiet observation.

 

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, brokenbird said:

Yet people dont say that we are going to end, rather that we are going to end if we keep on doing what we do now, but they give advices on how not to be the same. You shouldnt forget that as long as 2 people choose each other every time, they wont end just because of some statistics. If it was like that, married couples 50 years ago would have ended because many of them had the craziest fights you have ever seen, at least I had the chance to look into a few old marriages . But they chose to stay and work insetad of throwing it in the trash, when it is the hardest thing to find someone that loves you.

You know, during my previous relationship (which lasted 7 years and ended about 2 years ago)  I used to think like you. “You just gotta stick together”, “if you love each other it will be fine eventually”, “people should be like before, sticking to the end in a marriage”, and so on, and so forth. That relationship crashed and burned. In retrospect, it’s hard to fathom how I failed to notice the glowing red lights and the gigantic elephants in the room. I attribute at least part of the failure to my former way of looking at these things.

Now, I’m still a firm believer in love and its capacity to alter and transform people. I believe true love can work miracles and make us  better human beings. I believe that more than ever before. What I’ve come to realize, though, is that we often mistake other emotions for love. Most of those emotions boil down to fear. We’re afraid of being lonely, of losing security and comfort, of changes in general. So we often cling to people we’re in a relationship with despite evidence pointing to the contrary.

I’m not saying that yours is such a relationship, but I do feel that you have insecurity and control issues. While your BF seems to be doing a pretty good job at dealing with those issues so far, his occasional outbursts of anger and his admission that he struggles to keep them at bay testify to the fact that he won’t be able to do that forever. And he shouldn’t.

Long story short, you can’t save a relationship just because you stubbornly decide it should be saved.

Edited April 22 by Gebidozo

[NuevoYorko]

10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Snap you out of what? Staring into space? I don't get what was happening in those 10 minutes What happened when you went into "offensive mode"?

I read this as the OP making a scene because her bf and the friend were not paying attention to her. So she has a "panic attack" that is supposed to elicit attentive responses from them and they do not respond.   So she acts out.  

 

[ExpatInItaly]

30 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I read this as the OP making a scene because her bf and the friend were not paying attention to her. So she has a "panic attack" that is supposed to elicit attentive responses from them and they do not respond.   So she acts out.  

 

Yes, it was a rather rhetorical question. 

But I was curious to hear OP's own description of her behaviour. 

[brokenbird]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, it was a rather rhetorical question. 

But I was curious to hear OP's own description of her behaviour. 

I can elaborate tonight, but I do have a meeting, and a company visiting today

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

I read this as the OP making a scene because her bf and the friend were not paying attention to her. So she has a "panic attack" that is supposed to elicit attentive responses from them and they do not respond.   So she acts out.  

 

If this^is accurate OP it's past time for your bf to end it with you.  If you don't seek professional help quick he's going to leave you.

[brokenbird]

On 4/21/2024 at 6:50 PM, smackie9 said:

OK we can assume and throw some suggestions/advice your way....I think, if marriage is pending, go get pre marriage counselling. It specific to this because not only does it execute ways to communicate better but also to discuss expectations, like about finances, buying a house, how many kids, how will the kids be raised, how will the chores be split up, percentage of income into the household, retirement, mortgage, family expectations, vacations....the whole thing from start to finish of your lives to be sure you both are ready and on the same page.

Those are already talked about and we have no problem. We want 3 accounts, 2 would be personal. Both of us get the same amount of "pocket money" regardless of the amount they make, maybe if one works obviously more, they get a bit more for the effort they put in. And the 3rd is the shared account for the shared expenses.

I had the idea of talking to the kids in 2 languages and he is fine with me doing that. Our parenting styles are different and I do want it to stay that way, my Mom and my brother's Dad were different and his upbringing came out right, they purposefully gave him 2 sides of the strictness. We did agree that we are fine if I would be more easy going and he would be the strict one, honestly that is what I think a mom and dad should be.

On 4/21/2024 at 7:42 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

Nah. Again, this is your youth and inexperience (and fear) speaking. And what you two have isn't some great love, anyway. It's full of conflict and resentment. It wouldn't be that hard for you both

No. This is my experience from people around me speaking. Idk about your environment, maybe people are happy there and find their SO in a heartbeat, but here, even youngsters struggle to get a girlfriend, I know many good guys who get dumped because people dont want longterm relationships anymore. I knew many guys I liked as men, and they made it obvious that no long term relationship works for them. So yes, its easy to find someone who is a better match for 3 months, but after that, personality traits come out, or they go out the door. All my friends are struggling and I dont want that. I have someone that provides me a life that is stable in 3 ways most important for me - he is manly (I had to do everything alone with my mother, I had to learn to chop wood and fix shelves, carry huge furniture, and he is THE guy that does everything around the house, I just have to do chores), he gives me financial stability because they save money the same way as I do and together we could achieve everything yet, and he stays by my side no matter what. The last psrt is for sure the hardest to find. My best friend who is almost 30 just separated from a guy that they made a perfect match with, the healthiest ever, and yet the guy felt like 'meh, would be better off single'. Same happened to me with my ex. So no, thanks. If I love him, we make up every single time, we work hard, why the Hell would I throw it out ?

 

On 4/21/2024 at 8:21 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

Snap you out of what? Staring into space? I don't get what was happening in those 10 minutes What happened when you went into "offensive mode"?

I have my paper on having panic attacks. They are rare nowadays. That time I was not hyperventillating like usually, I just felt like I am stuck in my body like a sculpture. I wanted them to snap me out like shake me or something. Offensive mode was me telling them that I thought it was obvious that if I dont move for 15 minutes something is not right and they could have just stopped the convo for 5 seconds to check on me

 

On 4/21/2024 at 8:21 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

"I got mad and left." Is it? 

No, its the "leave if you feel like you are going to be mean"

On 4/21/2024 at 8:21 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

Were you two bickering in the street? 

No,I was trying to explain in a calm tone that he knows I used to have crazy panic attacks so its kinda sad he didn't feel like he should check on me, even though its nőt his job to calm me down, but he can ask if I need water or anything 

 

On 4/21/2024 at 8:21 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

You were anxious, or you wanted attention? Further upthread you said yourself you were hungry for attention. 

I had an anxiety attack in a frozen sculpture mode. I wanted him to realize that so it can end before much time passes so I can feel better, this means I wanted attention 

 

22 hours ago, Gaeta said:

no, l only counted the threads dealing with fights, that's 4, and l left the other threads out.

I really dont get it hence there is only 6 threads and I can read myself, the titles say different 

[ExpatInItaly]

11 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

If I love him, we make up every single time, we work hard, why the Hell would I throw it out ?

I didn't say you would. 

I am saying that he will be the one to end it. Not you. 

15 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

I wanted them to snap me out like shake me or something. Offensive mode was me telling them that I thought it was obvious that if I dont move for 15 minutes something is not right and they could have just stopped the convo for 5 seconds to check on me

It seems they knew it was merely an attention-seeking performance on your part. Not an actual medical emergency. You have got to get a grip on your issues, OP. You are becoming histrionic in your behaviour and it's going to kill your relationship. It already is, actually. You just refuse to face it yet. 

[brokenbird]

48 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

was merely an attention-seeking performance on your part

Fun that I have my paper for it, also that is was the 3rd time having it that week, the first 2 was when I was at work and I didn't even tell anyone about it. This I dont need to prove I feel like 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, brokenbird said:

I had an anxiety attack in a frozen sculpture mode. I wanted him to realize that so it can end before much time passes so I can feel better, this means I wanted attention 

This is something you need to address with a doctor or psychiatrist.  It's not your bf's job to give you attention so this doesn't happen or to watch you to make sure that doesn't happen.  This is way too much and I can't see him sticking around for the long haul before he gives up and leaves you.

Edited April 22 by stillafool

[basil67]

3 hours ago, brokenbird said:

Offensive mode was me telling them that I thought it was obvious that if I dont move for 15 minutes something is not right and they could have just stopped the convo for 5 seconds to check on me

Your 'offensive mode' was completely inappropriate.  A far better response would have been "Oh, no - I had another panic attack and couldn't move. It was scary!  If you ever see me like this please interrupt me and bring me out of it" 

Instead of blaming them for not noticing, you're giving them the clues they need to help you out of it if it happens again.

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, brokenbird said:

I have someone that provides me a life that is stable in 3 ways most important for me - he is manly (I had to do everything alone with my mother, I had to learn to chop wood and fix shelves, carry huge furniture, and he is THE guy that does everything around the house, I just have to do chores), he gives me financial stability because they save money the same way as I do and together we could achieve everything yet, and he stays by my side no matter what. The last psrt is for sure the hardest to find.

These are all nice things to have, but to be honest, they don’t sound like they could be the main reasons for being in a relationship with someone.

Surely there are other, more important things, that make you feel that your BF is the right partner for you?

My ex did everything around the house, she let me manage all our finances (that’s the way I liked it back then), and she stood by my side no matter what for 7 years. That relationship still crashed and burned badly.

7 hours ago, brokenbird said:

If I love him, we make up every single time, we work hard, why the Hell would I throw it out ?

You have very strong reactions to some stuff he does, you fight a lot, panic and complain a lot, and you threatened him with a breakup if things don’t change, didn’t you? You’re fluctuating back and forth between hope and despair. That shows that you’re struggling to accept this relationship, you can’t find peace in it. It does look like a part of you is trying to sabotage it, perhaps subconsciously.

But the main issue here is not that you might actually break up with him. It’s that he might actually break up with you. The fact that he is controlling himself so much while wanting to swear at you is not a good sign at all.

[ExpatInItaly]

Again, you need to get a grip on your issues before he dumps you. 

And he will. You are mistaken to think he's just going to put up with this nonsense forever.  He is sending very clear signals that he's getting tired of you. Ignore those signals at your own risk. 

 

[brokenbird]

6 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Surely there are other, more important things, that make you feel that your BF is the right partner for you?

Of course, but anything I say would be set up for judgement and/or not enough. For me, there are 3 things that make me happy on an average day. 1 we can talk about anything. My friends often say 'i couldnt talk to him about that yet, he feels distant whenever that topic comes up'. There is no such thing for us. 2 when we do the 'that was not very nice, could it have been better in another way?' it is so smooth, no bargaining, just 'yeah sorry, maybe if I left that word out'. 3 when we touch each other/cuddle/hug at nighttime while watching something, it just feels right and safe. I had a few boyfriends and none of them felt like 'i am home'. 

6 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

That shows that you’re struggling to accept this relationship, you can’t find peace in it. 

I want to address this one. I can find peace in every aspect of the relationship, there is only one part that makes me devastated and it is obvious from one of my threads. The thought of my man selfpleasuring to visual stimuli gives me anxiety. And it is not p0rn in general. Because if I imagine planning a week long trip away and he does his thing for that week with p0rn, I dont feel that bad. Its the thought of him doing it on an average week where we have s3x for example 4 times. I get the same questions. Why did he need that 5 minutes with porn when we had s3x yesterday and will be having it tonight? What if he does it the same day he would have wanted s3x with me, but now that he selfpleasured,he wouldnt want s3x anymore and he will feel like masturbation is a better solution? What if we have s3x after he watched p0rn and he will remember a scene that was perfect and he realizes I looked worse than the actress did? Does masturbating once a week to p0rn mean that those 4 times are not statisfying for him? Researchers say that 1:5 masturbation:s3x ratio is complimenting the relationship, but what if it worsens it?

So basically it is not p0rn in itself, but p0rn in a healthy s3x life, where two people are intimate on a every other day basis (or bases?) If I didn't want to be intimate with him for longer periods of time I would feel like p0rn is an okay way to manage those times if used not too often, but the presence of it in such a frequent love life makes me anxious.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, brokenbird said:

What if we have s3x after he watched p0rn and he will remember a scene that was perfect and he realizes I looked worse than the actress did? 

Then what?? When do you look better than anyone on tv? When does any of us look better than actresses on tv??

What could possibly happen if you don't look quite like a porn star??

Listen, there will always be better, sexier, prettier, smarter, funnier than you. You think your boyfriend is that shallow? After everything you put him through and he still sticks by you you think his love is only skin deep! 

He's 24 yo for goodness sake! He's at his sexual peek, show me a 24 yo who does not peek at porn almost every day. 

[brokenbird]

15 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Then what?? When do you look better than anyone on tv? When does any of us look better than actresses on tv??

What could possibly happen if you don't look quite like a porn star??

Listen, there will always be better, sexier, prettier, smarter, funnier than you. You think your boyfriend is that shallow? After everything you put him through and he still sticks by you you think his love is only skin deep! 

He's 24 yo for goodness sake! He's at his sexual peek, show me a 24 yo who does not peek at porn almost every day. 

Well he does not at the moment and I feel like he does this for himself more than he does this for me. He lied about it for 3 years, and when the truth came out,it wasnt even the truth, he still tried to cover up numbers and facts, but when the actual truth came out, he felt like he wanted to prove he can quit. Its been a whole year now. He had only one slip up (as he named it himself) when he watched a sexy music video and later decided to do his thing. He said it was not purposeful to watch it and he wanted to justlisten to music, he said it many times, and I believe it is not true because of reasons I know of, but I dont care if he lies about the causes since he admitted that the video escalated a thought in his brain that lead him to M. He was truthful about that and Im happy for that, because 2 years ago he would even lie about that and now we are open enough to at least say the partial truth. 

So its more a future thing, right now he is free of p0rn use, but I cant say he will be a year later or at 30 years old, etc . Although what you say is true !!

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, brokenbird said:

So its more a future thing, right now he is free of p0rn use, but I cant say he will be a year later or at 30 years old, etc .

Wait a second.

So he is not watching porn now. And yet you worry about him watching porn years later, and you post this headache-inducing flood of questions:

8 hours ago, brokenbird said:

Why did he need that 5 minutes with porn when we had s3x yesterday and will be having it tonight? What if he does it the same day he would have wanted s3x with me, but now that he selfpleasured,he wouldnt want s3x anymore and he will feel like masturbation is a better solution? What if we have s3x after he watched p0rn and he will remember a scene that was perfect and he realizes I looked worse than the actress did? Does masturbating once a week to p0rn mean that those 4 times are not statisfying for him? Researchers say that 1:5 masturbation:s3x ratio is complimenting the relationship, but what if it worsens it?

Do you realize what kind of stress you are putting him through?

[brokenbird]

7 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Wait a second.

So he is not watching porn now. And yet you worry about him watching porn years later, and you post this headache-inducing flood of questions:

Do you realize what kind of stress you are putting him through?

I dont put him through any stress about it because as I said, this is inside my head. It will happen eventually and I want to get used to it beforehand so I wont spiral or stress him out if it happens

[BaileyB]

22 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

It will happen eventually and I want to get used to it beforehand so I wont spiral or stress him out if it happens

Well, that’s one way to make yourself miserable… by worrying about things that have not and may never happen. 

I’ve heard it said that worry is like a rocking chair; it will give you something to do, but it won't get you anywhere. That’s essentially what you are doing - your mind is very busy trying to predict all the bad things that may happen so that you can anticipate or get control of the situation in an attempt to keep you safe. But, the stress that you must be feeling from all of these thoughts and this anxiety must be exhausting. Like a duck swimming in a pond, you are trying to give him the appearance of a duck gracefully moving through the water but below the surface… your feet are moving furiously… 

You need to stop that. If there is any way that you can visit a physician or a counsellor I would encourage you do to so for your own peace and well-being. If not, buy some self help books or look for more online resources on how to best manage your anxiety. 

Anxiety obviously doesn’t prevent bad things from happening. It gives us the illusion that we are in control, but that is a false illusion. We can’t prepare for everything - the things that will really knock you off your feet are likely to be unexpected, unpredictable occurrences. Like - he comes home on Friday night to pack his things up because he’s decided that he can’t live with the stress of this relationship. 

Anxiety is not going to change your situation. It might even make things worse. It will steal your joy, time, and perhaps your health.  You need to let go of your need to control everything - this level of anxiety is simply not conducive to a healthy, long term relationship. 

Edited April 23 by BaileyB

[brokenbird]

30 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It might even make things worse.

You are correct. But this prediction I fear is real, if someone loves p0rn, it will pop up here and there, every now and then. And I want to be okay when that happens. 

[BaileyB]

48 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

You are correct. But this prediction I fear is real, if someone loves p0rn, it will pop up here and there, every now and then. And I want to be okay when that happens. 

Lots of people watch porn. The vast majority of people will watch porn at some point in their lives. These people will all have relationships, some will even watch with their partner. Watching porn is a very common thing for many people. 

Two problems arise from porn watching - those who watch excessively and become “addicted,” to the point that it begins to affect the quality of their sex life and their relationship. That’s not really what you are worried about based on your comment above.

The second problem is that those who are feeling unsure with themselves or with their partner/in their relationship will find porn watching very threatening - to their own self esteem which then affects their anxiety about the relationship. This seems to be your challenge - a woman with a healthy sense of self esteem and a secure attachment in the relationship can say - “sure, those porn stars are beautiful and they do things that I would never consider doing… but I’m still a beautiful, wonderful, smart, kind, and loving person and my partner loves me dearly.” When you say that you are worried that he will watch porn and find you lacking in some way… that tells me that you need to work on your self esteem and/or that you are not feeling very secure in your relationship. 

Edited April 23 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

Masturbation and porn use are not the only sources of conflict in this relationship though, OP. 

 

[basil67]

12 hours ago, brokenbird said:

2 when we do the 'that was not very nice, could it have been better in another way?' it is so smooth, no bargaining, just 'yeah sorry, maybe if I left that word out'.

You list this as a positive, but he's been known to tell you to 'shut the F up' during these conversations.  

These conversations are all well and good if they can be done in three sentences, but some of these conversations go on for quite some time and they hurt his brain.  I would imagine that he thinks that this is one of the bigger problems in your relationship. 

I agree with the others that you're at risk of losing him over this

Edited April 23 by basil67