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There are only very few fights, but they are nasty


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NuevoYorko
3 hours ago, brokenbird said:

That is not how things work in the adult world, he could choose to say "Babe, I know that you hate p0rn because you think I like it more than you. I like p0rn when you are not around and I dont want to lie to you, so let's sit down and talk about why you are better than p0rn, and what p0rn gives when you are not available and maybe you can be more open?". 

 

Reality check:  In the "adult world," people don't come to us and speak from a script that we have written.  They say what is their truth.  

 

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NuevoYorko
4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

He was free for a year - hard to understand why he would go back… 

I don't think he was.  I believe that (according to the posting history, which does in fact have a variety of novel usernames) she broke up a year ago.  They got back together quickly because he agreed to all the parameters put on him, which included things like he would never even MASTURBATE unless he was looking at pictures of OP or videos they'd made of them having sex with each other.  

She is his first relationship - he sounds quite socially inept - he probably has no real idea what he's doing.   

It's still his choice to be there but if the gender roles were reversed we might look at this quite a bit differently.

 

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Gebidozo
4 hours ago, brokenbird said:

Bullying him into lying sounds so dramatic and hilarious. I dont know what bullying means to you, but if I have a panic attack and I cry like a baby, its probably me that feels attacked and not him.

If you have panic attacks and cry like a baby because your BF watches porn, you’re just imagining that you’re under attack, because you are insecure. But your BF definitely feels attacked when you throw tantrums over such a thing.

Not to mention breaking up with him over lying about porn. Seriously, if someone breaks up with me over such a petty reason, I won’t take that person back if she wants to reconcile.

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1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

he agreed to all the parameters put on him, which included things like he would never even MASTURBATE unless he was looking at pictures of OP

 😲 we're in deeper lalaland than I thought. 

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Gebidozo
4 hours ago, brokenbird said:

Noticing other women's beauty vs drooling over them. Which do you think happens while watching p0rn? I bet its not her eyes or shiny hair that guys notice, rather how nice that booty moves, etc.

Of course. So what? There is no real interaction with real women in porn. It’s just a tool for masturbation and fantasies.

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BaileyB
1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

They got back together quickly because he agreed to all the parameters put on him, which included things like he would never even MASTURBATE unless he was looking at pictures of OP or videos they'd made of them having sex with each other.  

My goodness, I remember this now.

As I said above, ridiculous demands…

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stillafool
1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

She is his first relationship - he sounds quite socially inept - he probably has no real idea what he's doing. 

He will grow and end up leaving this relationship.

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BaileyB
1 minute ago, Gebidozo said:

There is no real interaction with real women in porn. It’s just a tool for masturbation and fantasies.

Women do the same things - why do you think OP that soap operas, romance novels, and Fifty Shades of Grey have been so popular… Do you think men tell women what they can/can not read because they are threatened by the thought that their partner is reading suggestive books…

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ExpatInItaly
1 hour ago, stillafool said:

He will grow and end up leaving this relationship.

It's already starting to head that way, yes. 

His reactions to her meltdown are evidence of it. 

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On 4/23/2024 at 8:57 PM, brokenbird said:

Well he does not at the moment and I feel like he does this for himself more than he does this for me. He lied about it for 3 years, and when the truth came out,it wasnt even the truth, he still tried to cover up numbers and facts, but when the actual truth came out, he felt like he wanted to prove he can quit. Its been a whole year now. He had only one slip up (as he named it himself) when he watched a sexy music video and later decided to do his thing. He said it was not purposeful to watch it and he wanted to justlisten to music, he said it many times, and I believe it is not true because of reasons I know of, but I dont care if he lies about the causes since he admitted that the video escalated a thought in his brain that lead him to M. He was truthful about that and Im happy for that, because 2 years ago he would even lie about that and now we are open enough to at least say the partial truth. 

Just... wow.

I'm a woman and if a partner of mine tried to police my masturbation like this, I'd be gone immediately. ONE conversation to this extreme is already too much, let alone him having to defend and justify watching a video many times. I feel like you're bordering on being emotionally abusive towards him with this controlling behaviour.

It's not even a men vs women thing IMO, it's just a "being a decent human being" thing. You don't get to control whether another person masturbates or how they masturbate.

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d0nnivain
3 hours ago, Els said:

 You don't get to control whether another person masturbates or how they masturbate.

You are correct but in a healthy relationship people can talk about it.  If one partner feels so upset by it, the other partner should know that so that person can make a choice to stop or exit the relationship.  Somebody shouldn't lie about it as in agree not to masturbate then do it in secret anyway.   That is certainly not healthy.   I think a conversation that includes the invitation to come find the other person if practical when the urge strikes is a good thing.  That is better than one person frequently choosing solo relief over meaningful couple time & mutual satisfaction.  

 

That said, I don't think the OP & her BF have that kind of relationship.  Their communication is her freaking out & him getting sick of it so that he lies to avoid the drama.  

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brokenbird
7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

He was free for a year - hard to understand why he would go back… particularly if they continue to argue about the same issues. Ill 

Ill explain one more time. We broke up FOR A DAY, because he came back crawling and lying his way out so I forgive him. It was a year ago

This makes me realize that I cant take every "advice" to heart because you guys can misunderstand things that I say many times, which is fine I guess, its texting, but how do I know you dont misunderstand something about me and then scold.me for it

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brokenbird
12 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

If one partner feels so upset by it, the other partner should know that so that person can make a choice to stop or exit the relationship.  Somebody shouldn't lie about it as in agree not to masturbate then do it in secret anyway.   That is certainly not healthy.   I think a conversation that includes the invitation to come find the other person if practical when the urge strikes is a good thing.  That is better than one person frequently choosing solo relief over meaningful couple time & mutual satisfaction.  

This!!! Very true. I stated before we started dating that p0rn is a nono for me. Then again, at the beginning I told him if he is into that kinda stuff, we might not be a match.

So this lying stuff cant really be placed onto me as a fault. He loved me months before we started dating, he liked p0rn for years, so he decided he keeps his habit and has the girl he wants, quite simple

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brokenbird
5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

His reactions to her meltdown are evidence of it.

You dont get it that at first I start with a normal, calm and adult conversation, and when I feel neglected I have a meltdown, do you? There is an order, and you got it wrong

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brokenbird
7 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

I don't think he was.  I believe that (according to the posting history, which does in fact have a variety of novel usernames) she broke up a year ago.  They got back together quickly because he agreed to all the parameters put on him, which included things like he would never even MASTURBATE unless he was looking at pictures of OP or videos they'd made of them having sex with each other.  

She is his first relationship - he sounds quite socially inept - he probably has no real idea what he's doing.   

It's still his choice to be there but if the gender roles were reversed we might look at this quite a bit differently.

 

Again, a badly written one. I broke off the relationship because he lied. He begged to let him make it work. He came up with the idea of making our own videos because previously I mentioned that I am not against those. He said he wanted to prove that he is stronger than his habit. So he used our stuff. Instead of seeing it as a positive, you decide that it is a negative, too. Oh how bad a guy realizes he is watching too much p0rn and losing his gf helps him quit... You cant make me believe any other way, it is a good thing, his body definitely works better than before and he admitted this after maybe 10 months when he wasnt ashamed anymore

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brokenbird
7 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

If you have panic attacks and cry like a baby because your BF watches porn, you’re just imagining that you’re under attack, because you are insecure. But your BF definitely feels attacked when you throw tantrums over such a thing.

Not to mention breaking up with him over lying about porn. Seriously, if someone breaks up with me over such a petty reason, I won’t take that person back if she wants to reconcile.

Good thing that we are 2 different people with different boundaries. He could have lied about eating chips. If he can look me in the eyes for years and saying something that is not true , sometimes even by himself (for example, "my bff just broke up with his bf because he messaged girls on insta " - me saying in text                              "what an idiot, you can even see how clear my history is, not just my insta" - him replying). It does not matter what you lie about, but how many times and for how long you do it. Its even worse I told him before the relationship that its hurtful for me whwn a guy does that, and not just he started dating me, he did it anyway

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brokenbird
6 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Of course. So what? There is no real interaction with real women in porn. It’s just a tool for masturbation and fantasies.

Well its quite funny how he can be jealous when I have a favorite rockband singer not even in that way, but I cant be if he has a favorite p0rnstar he looks at 1/15 times he looks at p0rn. If we watch a romance movie I chose, his first sentence is "we defo watch it for the guy, I can see his hair lookin just like you like it"

 

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brokenbird
34 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Their communication is her freaking out & him getting sick of it so that he lies to avoid the drama.  

What you dont know is that I was not like this at the beginning, obviously because I was not very open yet and was shy a bit, and yet he lied from the beginning. I remember telling him 2 months before our relationship started that "maybe we can see some other options for you, you said you heart is not so good and you drink two energy drinks per day, we are worried for you". Just a helathy, kind little care me and our friend told him. Just as we began the relationship,  he had one on his desk and said he bought it for the champagne. He just simply is like that, he got used to lying because of his relatives, and this is how he gets out of scenarios

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brokenbird
Posted (edited)

I hope there wont be 20 different scoldings, because I am trying to heal and some people make me feel more down than hopeful for healing. I was at a therapist today who works with couples too, I have read some replies to her, and although she saw wise ones, she for sure found some that are way more destructive then helpful, especially the ones that decide that they can predict that this is unsavable. Couples came back up from way worse cases than ours, and what she reassured that us trying and slowly opening up will have its effect, and if I work with myself, my resentment and scars can and probably will fade, because we do put effort in this. I believe many of you, but I believe a certified therapist, too. She told the brutal truth about me too, so it was not just all cakes and cherries

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basil67
28 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

I hope there wont be 20 different scoldings, because I am trying to heal and some people make me feel more down than hopeful for healing. I was at a therapist today who works with couples too, I have read some replies to her, and although she saw wise ones, she for sure found some that are way more destructive then helpful, especially the ones that decide that they can predict that this is unsavable. Couples came back up from way worse cases than ours, and what she reassured that us trying and slowly opening up will have its effect, and if I work with myself, my resentment and scars can and probably will fade, because we do put effort in this. I believe many of you, but I believe a certified therapist, too. She told the brutal truth about me too, so it was not just all cakes and cherries

There's an old adage "you get what you pay for". 

You already know that forums such as these give random, free advice from a bunch of unqualified strangers who simply speak from their own life experience.  And of course your therapist doesn't agree with all that we say - we aren't qualified therapists!   If free advice is causing more harm than good, perhaps you're better off focussing on your issues with someone who's actually qualified.

But don't go complaining about the quality of free stuff.  

 

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brokenbird
52 minutes ago, basil67 said:

But don't go complaining about the quality of free stuff.  

I have read my reply again and I saw no complaining. I just announced my current state

I get email notifications, so I saw the original "why am I still here" question. I dont know,maybe because I dont disappear without a word when many people tried to help me ? I practice grace and I dont take help for granted or mandatory, so I acknowledge the kindness and time by being present,  and I dont want to be getting 30 thoughtful replies while not even reading them, especially when people take their time for me . If I get a reply on an old post, even if I dont engage because I closed the deal in myself, I still read it 

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basil67
32 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

I have read my reply again and I saw no complaining. I just announced my current state

I get email notifications, so I saw the original "why am I still here" question. I dont know,maybe because I dont disappear without a word when many people tried to help me ? I practice grace and I dont take help for granted or mandatory, so I acknowledge the kindness and time by being present,  and I dont want to be getting 30 thoughtful replies while not even reading them, especially when people take their time for me . If I get a reply on an old post, even if I dont engage because I closed the deal in myself, I still read it 

So why were you telling us that your therapist thought some replies weren't helpful?  Like I said, we all know that nobody here is trained, so it's a no brainer that not all advice is helpful.  There's no need to be stating the obvious if it's a negative

 

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d0nnivain

in individual counseling, you are the patient / client.  In couple's counseling the relationship, not either of the partners, is the patient.  YOUR therapist is biased in your favor & she is advocating on what is best for you.  She has also not met your BF nor would it be ethical for her to treat him or you two as a couple. 

 

I want you to succeed in life but he is a path of least resistance guy. . .which is why he defaults to lying.  You are very sensitive but don't process calmly.  Your behavior & reactions reinforces his belief that lying to keep the peace is the best way to go.  That is not healthy for either of you.  

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ExpatInItaly
6 hours ago, brokenbird said:

There is an order, and you got it wrong

The order is irrelevant.

You can deflect all you want, but you still have serious issues with emotional regulation and controlling behaviour. Unless you get a grip  on yourself, you are going to wind up single. 

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basil67
7 hours ago, brokenbird said:

This!!! Very true. I stated before we started dating that p0rn is a nono for me. Then again, at the beginning I told him if he is into that kinda stuff, we might not be a match.

So this lying stuff cant really be placed onto me as a fault. He loved me months before we started dating, he liked p0rn for years, so he decided he keeps his habit and has the girl he wants, quite simple

Except that now you know the truth of his preferences.  Instead of walking away again, you choose to stay and control.    And it doesn't matter if he comes crawling back, promising to change.  If you've ended the relationship, you have the choice to ignore him

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