There are only very few fights, but they are nasty

[brokenbird]

1 minute ago, flitzanu said:

this seems more simple.

brokenbird, how many times have you masturbated while in this relationship with this guy?

 

if the answer is greater than zero, then your entire argument is hypocritical.

have you told your boyfriend every single time you masturbate, and what you were looking at or thinking about?  every single time?  

again, if you haven't upheld your fantasy "standard" you have about him masturbating to porn, then your argument is about control and not about morality.

You know its not about masturbation but about masturbation to sexual content of other women in any shape or form, whether its music video, Instagram or porn?

I did masturbate frequently, but I dont need to look at other men to do the job. The help of a shower head or a prop my boyfriend bought me is enough.

[stillafool]

17 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

I am a very sexual minded person and if I have a busy day where I cant even catch myself, I dont think about sex

You are not a man.  Their drives are different than a womans.  This thread is starting to go around in circles.

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

I see but if they studied a different individual with the same kind of mother, the results might turn out different. Because people have their own personalities which are not only formed by their surroundings.

Do you mean you know better than Scientists who have years of educations, who conduct researches that are highly supervised, and then same researches are shared world wide with other groups of scientists who also cross examine these studies. 

 

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, brokenbird said:

And you said dont believe the internet, so Im doing that?

 

Do you understand what I wrote above? Let's walk it through. There are, let's say, seven thousand people standing in a room. They each have 1 opinion/1 experience. You, as a researcher, go and ask all of them to come and answer questions for your studies. Only two thousand and twenty five agree. You have four thousand nine hundred and seventy five people standing in the same room and they are not willing to help you. You got 2025 experiences when there were 7000 people. Do you believe it is accurate? No, its an average that can be a starting point for you to work with. What if the question was "do you like carrots?". From 2000 people, 1000 said yes and 1000 said no. That is 50% of people not liking carrots. But what if in that leftover 5000 people 3000 liked carrots and 2000 did not? That would be 4000/7000 people liking carrots and 3000/7000 not liking them. That is 58 percent of people liking carrots, and before it was only 50 because some people did not help you. You cant tell me that this is accurate. Accurate for the people that answered

In addition to not understanding men, you clearly don't understand sample size, statistics, p-values, or confidence intervals. 

[brokenbird]

18 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Do you mean you know better than Scientists who have years of educations, who conduct researches that are highly supervised, and then same researches are shared world wide with other groups of scientists who also cross examine these studies. 

 

Do you really believe if you and me were born on the same day and both of us had a drug addict mother, we would have turned out to be exactly the same? There would be no differences at all? Would we cry for the same amount of time, would we sleep in the same quality? 

Im obviously not saying that research is useless, Im saying that you cant decide the person 's fate and future by a single research. If research said the all single moms treat their kids badly, would you say that you will treat your kids badly just because its a 90 percent chance ? Or would you count as an individual that can have different outcomes? Research also said that people who suffer from cleanliness OCD cant cope with it without the help of a professional and they are not likely to get better without trigger therapy. My cleanliness OCD went away from a random traumatic experience. But I guess I still have it because I didn't get help from a professional. 

You guys can tell me off how you want, but studies help with pointing in a direction and not determining a 100% future. Absolutely, research is valuable but it's not a crystal ball. "Even well-conducted studies can have limitations or unforeseen variables that affect their findings. For instance, a study might show a correlation between two factors, but it doesn't necessarily mean one causes the other. Real-life outcomes can be influenced by countless factors beyond what any study can measure or predict with 100% certainty." Says one of the biggest research centers.

[brokenbird]

9 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

In addition to not understanding men, you clearly don't understand sample size, statistics, p-values, or confidence intervals. 

Since english is my third language, I dont even know those words, but I might as well dont understand them either. 

[brokenbird]

I hope someone realizes that this whole debate goes on because I said my partner will not cheat on me because I am his first sexual partner. If I came here saying "I fear my boyfriend will cheat because he was a virgin, he didn't show any signs and he has the same goals as me, having a family, marriage and kids, but I still fear it", you would tell me that I am resenting a guy for doing something he probably will never do. If he will cheat, that would happen because he is the kind of person who doesnt value his family enough to either divorce his kid's mother in peace and move on to his destinated lover or because he is just a sh***y person overall. And I remember one of you saying this exact same thing to some girl here being all upset and sad about her new relationship. 

[S2B]

Have you identified what YOUR needs are within a relationship ship?

Do you understand clearly what YOYR healthy boundary looks like?

for me - I had to learn about those very important things. So I worked with a skilled trauma counselor every week for a year. I learned what my guidelines and deal breakers were for a healthy relationship. 

I suggest you do the work you desperately need to do. Asking here - there is a reason you ask. Defending him here - shows that you question yourself and what should be right for you. Get to the point where you aren’t at odds within your self.

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

You guys can tell me off how you want, but studies help with pointing in a direction and not determining a 100% future. Absolutely, research is valuable but it's not a crystal ball. "Even well-conducted studies can have limitations or unforeseen variables that affect their findings. For instance, a study might show a correlation between two factors, but it doesn't necessarily mean one causes the other. Real-life outcomes can be influenced by countless factors beyond what any study can measure or predict with 100% certainty." Says one of the biggest research centers.

This is not about predicting the future!!! This is about understanding how a man's brain work, how it's been programmed to work a certain way for thousands of years. My example of this friend born out of an addict mother was only an example of how seriously researches are conducted! 

I am not debating if your relationship will last, I am trying to explain to you that MEN are biologically wired differently than us women and that has been proven many times with serious researches! Sure there are exceptions!!! But if your boyfriend is born male, if he has a healthy level of testosterones then his brain will react to that testosterone pretty much the same way it acts on other men's brain in a given range. 

That  being said I think I have made my point and I will politely withdraw from this thread. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I really can't imagine why the fights are nasty. 

 

[brokenbird]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

I worked with a skilled trauma counselor every week for a year. I learned what my guidelines and deal breakers were for a

I sadly dont have that option. 

 

1 hour ago, S2B said:

Defending him here - shows that you question yourself and what should be right for you. Get to the point where you aren’t at odds within your self

I didn't really understand this part. If you mean defending as in saying he is loyal, I dont know what to say. I just believe that. Mostly because I know I am not a cheater myself.

 

56 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I really can't imagine why the fights are nasty. 

 

I know this was not a joke, but it made me laugh. I like self destructing jokes.

Aside from the fun, I dont feel understood so Im trying to explain. And yes, that is the scenario while a fight happens

 

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

ting if your relationship will last, I am trying to explain to you that MEN are biologically wired differently than us women

And agreed with that. I understood how sexuality works. I didn't debate whether men are more sexual or not, or if they like watching women or not. Its sad that repliers can say whatever and it is the truth and the asker cant say a thing without being debated. Yes, you are correct with the sexual content part, its quite obvious hence its always women complaining and not men. What I dont agree with is that someone is instantly a cheater because they marry their first partner. That just doesnt make sense. Do people just break up with their beloved person, saying "its time to say goodbye because 10 years passed and you are probably going to cheat at 11"?? I dont believe that. Also I think that people crave those things more that they have already tried. You say "I would try that new cake that I never tried before". But you say "oh man I crave that cake I ate at my mom's last week". Therefore I believe that the more people you slept with, the more you get the taste and want more. I see that around me. People with few partners stayed in longterm relationships and people who effed around kept effing more people. There is even a book about this phenomenon if we want to stick to studies.

Its not about defending, its saying that it is degrading to a person to say that they will be unfaithful just because they didn't sleep around. My uncle had his wife as his first lover, they met at 19 and 21. They are around 45-50 now and thriving. For me, its offensive, even considering that I probably slept with my ex for 5 times at 17, basically I was "new" to sex and I for sure wont ever cheat.

Im sorry if I came out agressive, what someone said about cheating was just hurtful to me, even regarding myself, my uncle, and of course my boyfriend 

[S2B]

If you have insurance - contact them to seek out  a counselor.

Edited May 9 by S2B

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, brokenbird said:

I am a very sexual minded person and if I have a busy day where I cant even catch myself, I dont think about sex

And yet, here you are posting about porn and your sex life for what - three days now. You certainly have a lot of opinions about sex - what it should and shouldn’t be… You’ve thought about all this stuff.

I don’t buy that. There is a lot that you are trying to sell in this discussion that I don’t buy… You seem to want to disagree with practically everyone here - just for the sake of argument…

Edited May 9 by BaileyB

[Els]

2 hours ago, brokenbird said:

Yes. And therefore I had to hide it. I was curious at a very early age and I remember liking many shameful sides of porn. All legal, but I did not find them healthy. Older men also treated me inappropriately so this topic in itself is very hard for me to talk about.

Yes, I can see how that would lead to all this.

I feel like unfortunately this is above our paygrade. You need to work though that trauma and repression and lack of understanding about human sexuality with a therapist. If you can't get to one in person because they don't exist in your country, there are some who offer online counselling.

[stillafool]

38 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You seem to want to disagree with practically everyone here - just for the sake of argument…

Or for attention.

[brokenbird]

34 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

And yet, here you are posting about porn and your sex life for what - three days now. You certainly have a lot of opinions about sex - what it should and shouldn’t be… You’ve thought about all this stuff.

I don’t buy that. There is a lot that you are trying to sell in this discussion that I don’t buy… You seem to want to disagree with practically everyone here - just for the sake of argument…

I dont have busy days. Ive been at home since sunday, I have plenty of time to think. Believe me, if I were to continue working on the house, which I will be doing this weekend, I wouldnt be able to even think, not to mention talking here. I believe I also mentioned that this week my partner approached me every single day, which also explains why I think about "sexual discussions". Im sure I said "you are right/you are correct/yes I agree" many times. I agreed with literally everything except the youareacheaterifyoumarryyourfirst arguement. There was not a single disagreement except that,so I dont know why you say that nonsense.

34 minutes ago, Els said:

Yes, I can see how that would lead to all this.

I feel like unfortunately this is above our paygrade. You need to work though that trauma and repression and lack of understanding about human sexuality with a therapist. If you can't get to one in person because they don't exist in your country, there are some who offer online counselling.

There are many of them, I just dont have that kind of money. 😕

[brokenbird]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Or for attention.

I suggest you go and read back all the agreeing I did in every reply I wrote. Its the same thing people do, they say "you never " or "you always" when in fact, it is not never and not always. I disagree with one reply out of 50 and now I disagree with everything and everyone for attention, thats funny 😁 I repeat, I agreed with everything except for a person being a cheater assigned at their birth when it was written that they will marry their first love. 

[NuevoYorko]

never mind. 

Edited May 9 by NuevoYorko
hopeless

[brokenbird]

Just now, NuevoYorko said:

I sure hope that the prop is not in any way shape or form something like a penis.  

I felt like this joke was going to be made, very og. Its a buzzing ball, purple, oval shaped, works with batteries, thanks for the attention 😂

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, brokenbird said:

Yes. And therefore I had to hide it. I was curious at a very early age and I remember liking many shameful sides of porn. All legal, but I did not find them healthy. Older men also treated me inappropriately so this topic in itself is very hard for me to talk about.

Well, that explains a lot.

OP, you were brought up to believe that sexuality was something shameful, you had to hide your own sexuality. This led to confusion and discrepancies between your actual feelings and opinions that were forced on you. As a result, you have adopted the very controlling, rigid thinking that you fell victim to in your childhood.

You’re basically doing to your BF the same thing that was done to you.

I think you should take a deep breath and begin to liberate yourself, distance yourself from that kind of thinking in general.

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, brokenbird said:

I repeat, I agreed with everything except for a person being a cheater assigned at their birth when it was written that they will marry their first love. 

Not “assigned at their birth”, but “more likely to”, and not necessarily “cheat”, but generally “have sex with someone else besides the person they’ve lost their virginity to”.

There are examples to the contrary, sure. A good friend of mine was a virgin when he married his high school sweetheart, they are still together (both in their 40’s), and, as far as I know, he never cheated. But that’s literally the only case of such lifetime monogamy that I’m familiar with in my life.

I wasn’t implying that your BF was “bound” or “destined” to cheat, I merely pointed out that you should be extra careful attempting to regulate his sex life, “raise” him according to your own ideas about sexuality. If you make him feel like he is being held in a cage, he will eventually break out.

He’s only known you sexually and you forbid him even to look at and fantasize about unknown women in porn and music videos, it sounds like you are trying to own, possess his sexuality. This is not something anyone should be doing to anyone, least of all to young, inexperienced people.

 

[Els]

9 hours ago, brokenbird said:

There are many of them, I just dont have that kind of money. 😕

If money is the issue, then take a look at https://thiswayup.org.au/ . You pay $59 for a whole CBT course, so it's the most affordable program that I've seen by far. You don't get an individual therapist to talk to you regularly, but the programs are formulated by clinical psychologists and researchers. The anxiety and OCD programs seem like they might help.