There are only very few fights, but they are nasty

[brokenbird]

10 hours ago, brokenbird said:

He had only one slip up (as he named it himself) when he watched a sexy music video and later decided to do his thing. He said it was not purposeful to watch it and he wanted to justlisten to music, he said it many times, and I believe it is not true because of reasons I know

I also want to prove with this topic that I, in fact, do not nag him, I just mention things to him. A few weeks after this event happened (the one above), we had a  chat about how my tiktok algorithm is crazy because it keeps suggesting me girls dancing around when I never watch those, and he by himself mentioned that he doesnt even open music that has an index picture of an underdressed woman (because the ones he opened at the event above had index pictures of almost naked women, dancing around with their boobs and booty on a wet car etc), because he wants to show me that he focuses only on us right now. I told him good job and that its nice he is so determined, but do as he pleases. Yesterday I was sitting next to him and I saw his youtube with a song that had been played, with obvious index pic. I casually said, not accusing, almost laughing, "did you not promise few months back that you dont open these ? not that I care, just a memory of you promising". That video did not hurt me. Him getting defensive and gaslighting, saying "well I did not promise, I just stated it, not the same. But I did not watch it, just listened to it in the car "

[brokenbird]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You list this as a positive, but he's been known to tell you to 'shut the F up' during these conversations.  

These conversations are all well and good if they can be done in three sentences, but some of these conversations go on for quite some time and they hurt his brain.  I would imagine that he thinks that this is one of the bigger problems in your relationship. 

I agree with the others that you're at risk of losing him over this

That is the once in a month fight I talked about. These go for 3 sentences on 29 days and 1 day is crazy.

[basil67]

1 minute ago, brokenbird said:

That is the once in a month fight I talked about. These go for 3 sentences on 29 days and 1 day is crazy.

Even if they are brief, you shouldn't be needing them on a daily basis.   Who's the instigator of the discussions?

[brokenbird]

19 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

I also want to prove with this topic that I, in fact, do not nag him, I just mention things to him. A few weeks after this event happened (the one above), we had a  chat about how my tiktok algorithm is crazy because it keeps suggesting me girls dancing around when I never watch those, and he by himself mentioned that he doesnt even open music that has an index picture of an underdressed woman (because the ones he opened at the event above had index pictures of almost naked women, dancing around with their boobs and booty on a wet car etc), because he wants to show me that he focuses only on us right now. I told him good job and that its nice he is so determined, but do as he pleases. Yesterday I was sitting next to him and I saw his youtube with a song that had been played, with obvious index pic. I casually said, not accusing, almost laughing, "did you not promise few months back that you dont open these ? not that I care, just a memory of you promising". That video did not hurt me. Him getting defensive and gaslighting, saying "well I did not promise, I just stated it, not the same. But I did not watch it, just listened to it in the car "

I wanted to add that I do believe and trust him that he opened for the song only. I know this. But he should not have gotten into this childish defensive explanation on what a promise is. He did not keep his word, thats it. He also played the song of a singer that came out with a song called Wet dream, the video literally shows what the title is, basically soft p0rn, and we even joked that he doesnt want to watch that clip hence he keeps his eyes focused. Idc if he did these things but dont say something you dont intend to keep. I know he probably didn't watch those songs but he stated he wont even open them while listening to music in the car. And what I want to state is that I never asked or suggested him to stay this focused, he told these things by himself which is a big thing because he doesnt really talk serious. So Im more mad that he didn't keep what he promised more to himself than me.

Edited April 23 by brokenbird
Misspelled

[brokenbird]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Even if they are brief, you shouldn't be needing them on a daily basis.   Who's the instigator of the discussions?

Depends. Today it could have been an arguement but I shut it down before that. It would have been him to start it. I told him about an important event about 4 times this week and yet he forgot and asked me again. I told him again about it, and also suggested that he should write down things because some days he complains that I ask him to do something 10 times, then he should not need me to repeat things 10 times. I wanted to end it here, because for me this is it. Write it down, the 5th time is the last reminder. But he tried to explain rather than just admit that this is that simple. If I go into it, could have been an arguement, I just told him we already overtalked this topic and just write it down. So you see he can be the one sometimes, Im just better at shutting him down than vice versa

[basil67]

27 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

I told him again about it, and also suggested that he should write down things

Good on you for ending it here.

Further, may I suggest a solution to this problem?  Buy a paper diary (or use a digital one depending on your preference) and whoever organises something writes it in the diary.  If he organises something and forgets to write it down, then any mixup is on him.  And the same goes for you if you book something and forget to write it down.

27 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

 because some days he complains that I ask him to do something 10 times, then he should not need me to repeat things 10 times..   

This is unrelated to him not remembering when an event is.   This sounds more like you nagging him to do a job of some type.   There are also some practical solutions which don't involve nagging him to do something.  May I ask what kind of thing he "forgets"?   Is he actually trying to get out of the job?  Or perhaps it's unimportant to him?   Are there other things which he does remember to do?

 

[Gaeta]

49 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

He complains that I ask him to do something 10 times

When you ask him to do something do you give him a time frame?

I've learn to never phrase a request without a time frame. Honey would you please put up that shelf.... is a type of phrase that will have you wait an entire year for that shelf. Honey would you please put up that shelve this weekend -  garantees you a shelf.

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

When you ask him to do something do you give him a time frame?

I've learn to never phrase a request without a time frame. Honey would you please put up that shelf.... is a type of phrase that will have you wait an entire year for that shelf. Honey would you please put up that shelve this weekend -  garantees you a shelf.

Truth!

[NuevoYorko]

12 hours ago, brokenbird said:

So its more a future thing, right now he is free of p0rn use, but I cant say he will be a year later or at 30 years old, etc . Although what you say is true !!

Ok.  Here we are again. We are back in "thought police" territory with you.   

And here is the bottom line crux of the toxicity of your relationship with this person, due to your obsession with controlling him.  

If he wants to look at porn next year,  when he's 30 years old, or TONIGHT, he should be free to do so - as long as it's not interfering with your actual intimate life together.  

Because you are paranoid and freaking out about whether a porn star or television actress / dancer (I think you were extremely hung up on one video dancer) might look better than you, and *maybe* if he did not look at porn you would have had sex 7 times last week instead of 4 times, or he would always get a boner if he saw you naked, etc. - those are NOT reasons he should not look at porn.

Those are reasons that YOU should not be in a relationship with anyone until / unless you become willing to own how destructive your insecurities and neediness are, and do something about it.

 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

When you ask him to do something do you give him a time frame?

I've learn to never phrase a request without a time frame. Honey would you please put up that shelf.... is a type of phrase that will have you wait an entire year for that shelf. Honey would you please put up that shelve this weekend -  garantees you a shelf.

I have been known to use this in a passive aggressive way too.  He wants the thing organised, but I don't actually want the thing...so I accidentally on purpose forget to do it and then he forgets that he ever wanted it done.   There are definitely benefits to not discussing things too much 😜

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, brokenbird said:

I dont put him through any stress about it because as I said, this is inside my head. It will happen eventually and I want to get used to it beforehand so I wont spiral or stress him out if it happens

What do you mean you don’t put him through any stress? Of course you do. By thinking the way you do. Or do you believe that putting someone through stress only means openly nagging and yelling?

You can’t just bottle everything in, put on a fake smile, and then take pride in the fact that you aren’t throwing tantrums every single time you think your boyfriend might masturbate to porn again some time in the middle of the century. You need to solve your issue from within.

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Well, that’s one way to make yourself miserable… by worrying about things that have not and may never happen. 

I’ve heard it said that worry is like a rocking chair; it will give you something to do, but it won't get you anywhere. That’s essentially what you are doing - your mind is very busy trying to predict all the bad things that may happen so that you can anticipate or get control of the situation in an attempt to keep you safe. But, the stress that you must be feeling from all of these thoughts and this anxiety must be exhausting. Like a duck swimming in a pond, you are trying to give him the appearance of a duck gracefully moving through the water but below the surface… your feet are moving furiously… 

You need to stop that. If there is any way that you can visit a physician or a counsellor I would encourage you do to so for your own peace and well-being. If not, buy some self help books or look for more online resources on how to best manage your anxiety. 

Anxiety obviously doesn’t prevent bad things from happening. It gives us the illusion that we are in control, but that is a false illusion. We can’t prepare for everything - the things that will really knock you off your feet are likely to be unexpected, unpredictable occurrences. Like - he comes home on Friday night to pack his things up because he’s decided that he can’t live with the stress of this relationship. 

Anxiety is not going to change your situation. It might even make things worse. It will steal your joy, time, and perhaps your health.  You need to let go of your need to control everything - this level of anxiety is simply not conducive to a healthy, long term relationship. 

I’m quoting the entire post because every word is so true.

OP, listen to this advice, please. Bailey is 100% right. I know that because I have anxiety issues too, and I assure you that the only way to deal with that perpetually hungry, insatiable monster tearing your soul apart is not to feed it.

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, brokenbird said:

So Im more mad that he didn't keep what he promised more to himself than me.

Put it however you want, but the fact is that you’re controlling the guy, barely letting him breathe.

And the worst thing about that is that you keep denying it, going into a defensive stance and trying to justify your controlling behavior, as though the fact you aren’t literally “nagging” is some sort of a heroic deed on your part, for which you should be commended.

You still think that your BF’s personal video-watching preferences are yours to monitor and manage. They aren’t. Nothing will help you if you don’t understand that ASAP.

You’re basically acting like a benevolent dictator, taking pride in the fact that you don’t send people who read forbidden literature to concentration camps. You have to understand that you’re in no position to be any kind of dictator here.

 

[brokenbird]

5 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Put it however you want, but the fact is that you’re controlling the guy, barely letting him breathe.

And the worst thing about that is that you keep denying it, going into a defensive stance and trying to justify your controlling behavior, as though the fact you aren’t literally “nagging” is some sort of a heroic deed on your part, for which you should be commended.

You still think that your BF’s personal video-watching preferences are yours to monitor and manage. They aren’t. Nothing will help you if you don’t understand that ASAP.

You’re basically acting like a benevolent dictator, taking pride in the fact that you don’t send people who read forbidden literature to concentration camps. You have to understand that you’re in no position to be any kind of dictator here.

 

You are right in many things, but it cant be denied that I am allowed to be hurt because I believed something good about him ("Im not even playing songs that containt that type of content") because he said it himself, then I see he did it again. Let's say he loves me just a little bit more because I can cook and he realizes I cant even cook. Its disappointing. This hurt more than the shut up thing because for like 6 months I believed "oh he is so strong and determined" . And even though he probably didn't watch the clip, he still said he wouldnt even open them.

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, brokenbird said:

Yesterday I was sitting next to him and I saw his youtube with a song that had been played, with obvious index pic. I casually said, not accusing, almost laughing, "did you not promise few months back that you dont open these ? not that I care, just a memory of you promising".

Sorry, but BS. 

You are fooling nobody but yourself if you think you actually come across as just playing around and not caring. He knows you would lose you mind over something like this, and that your comment was very much a veiled accusation. He sees right through you, I promise. 

48 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

This hurt more than the shut up thing because for like 6 months I believed "oh he is so strong and determined" .

It has nothing to do with strength and determination, and everything to do with preventing you from going nuclear and launching WWIII against him. You don't seem to see the difference, which is partly why your relationship is falling apart. 

[brokenbird]

14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

has nothing to do with strength and determination

How? 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, brokenbird said:

You are right in many things, but it cant be denied that I am allowed to be hurt because I believed something good about him ("Im not even playing songs that containt that type of content") because he said it himself, then I see he did it again.

This, again, reminds me of a dictator who is hurt because people keep secretly reading some literature he forbade them to read. You’re allowing yourself to be hurt by something that shouldn’t have hurt you in the first place. Your BF’s video preferences have nothing to do with him hurting you, and everything to do with your insecurity issues.

1 hour ago, brokenbird said:

Let's say he loves me just a little bit more because I can cook and he realizes I cant even cook. Its disappointing.

This thought weirds me out. What do cooking skills or lack thereof have to do with love? I can’t cook anything edible at all, should I now begin to suspect that my fiancée loves me “a little bit less” because of that?

1 hour ago, brokenbird said:

And even though he probably didn't watch the clip, he still said he wouldnt even open them.

So what? He probably said that under pressure. You must have intimidated him into those promises. Hopefully at least not by threatening him to break up with him if he doesn’t stop, or telling him something like “if you love me, you won’t be watching those videos!”. Because that kind of emotional blackmail would wreck his psyche, I’m telling you.

[brokenbird]

7 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

what? He probably said that under pressure. You must have intimidated him into those promises. Hopefully at least not by threatening him to break up with him if he doesn’t stop, or telling him something like “if you love me, you won’t be watching those videos!”. Because that kind of emotional blackmail would wreck his psyche, I’m telling you.

Nope, nothing like that. I explained this, but I can write it in more detail. 6 months passed so it wont be word by word!!

-Gosh,my tiktok is crazy, all these half naked dancing girls show up for me and I only watch funny videos about pets, like how? Do you get these too ?(Me ).                                                                     -yeeeeeah, of course I believe that, its an accident 😛! I dont even open music which has underdressed women as index pics because of you, so algorithm doesnt really give me stuff like that (Him)

No pressure here. He just told me how considerate he is. If he didn't say something like that, I would be like "oh well, not the best choice in my opinion, that video, but ok." But like this, that he said what he said, it does hurt because it was like a promise that he does this for me too.

Edited April 24 by brokenbird

[Gebidozo]

12 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

No pressure here

I meant that you pressured him to promise you not to watch those videos in the first place.

Everything you’ve described so far points to you pressuring and choking this guy, and him trying desperately to control himself, trying to appease you, being forced to hide stuff, and resorting to evasive manoeuvres during confrontation.

You have to stop. 

[Gebidozo]

30 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

How? 

He is trying not to watch those videos to appease you. He’s be gladly watching them if he weren’t afraid you’d go berserk on him because of them. Do you really want him to do stuff for you out of fear?

[brokenbird]

4 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

He is trying not to watch those videos to appease you. He’s be gladly watching them if he weren’t afraid you’d go berserk on him because of them. Do you really want him to do stuff for you out of fear?

No. I want him to not do it because it is pointless. He says he is content with me, I am pretty and attractive and desired for him, he loves me, then why the urge to consume this content ?

Btw I still did not pressure him, I dont remember any subtle hint that he should not watch those things, kept it to myself

[Gaeta]

59 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

No. I want him to not do it because it is pointless. He says he is content with me, I am pretty and attractive and desired for him, he loves me, then why the urge to consume this content ?

Go online and search why. There are dozen or articles on why men enjoys these videos and it has nothing to do with your reasoning. You cannot apply women's reasoning to men. It's all about them being visual and nothing about what they feel for their girlfriend.

[brokenbird]

11 hours ago, Gaeta said:

When you ask him to do something do you give him a time frame?

I've learn to never phrase a request without a time frame. Honey would you please put up that shelf.... is a type of phrase that will have you wait an entire year for that shelf. Honey would you please put up that shelve this weekend -  garantees you a shelf.

I do. For example. 

Please get dressed in those 10 minutes I go to the neighbour,because after that, we have to go. He wasnt doing something important, just scrolling on his phone. He did not get dressed.

Or please take out the trash this afternoon because I wont be home and if you dont do it in a few hours, your granny will make an expedition trip to the kitchen and throw it out herself. He didn't do it because its enough to do it after work, but granny doesnt wait until after work, so she indeed comes and messes around the house. (We have 2 houses in one yard and we dont lock the door for a specific reason). 

And he is not lazy, he does his thing, but I always have to tell him 5 times or write it down in message

[brokenbird]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Go online and search why. There are dozen or articles on why men enjoys these videos and it has nothing to do with your reasoning. You cannot apply women's reasoning to men. It's all about them being visual and nothing about what they feel for their girlfriend.

Ugh I rather not, I dont want to be even more disappointed in men. 

It is worth to mention that he said about those 2 music videos that if he felt there was anything bad about playing them in the car, he would have just deleted it from the history, he thought it was obvious that he can be trusted that he doesnt watch these because he doesnt even care. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, brokenbird said:

How? 

Because he’s only doing it so you don’t have a dang meltdown.