Gaeta Posted April 24 Share Posted April 24 4 minutes ago, brokenbird said: This example might be crazy for some of you, but I am an artist myself and most of my creations came from caos, and turned into scarred but pretty art I understand your analogy, I have an artistic daughter, just a few years younger than you. The problem with your example is a piece of paper is not accumulating resentment, bitterness, distrust, the way human beings are. What you and your boyfriend do to each other hurts and leaves scars and those scars nourish resentment. Example you do wish you could forgive your boyfriend for telling you to F the up, and calling you names, and lying to you, but it's hard isn't it? Because some things are not meant to be forgiven. Good relationships are not built on name calling, disrespect, control, lies. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 24 Share Posted April 24 That’s a lovely analogy. Relationships are not paintings. If another child comes along and damages your paper, sometimes the painting can be salvaged - the teacher will tell you to carry on and ignore the damage. Other time, they will get you a new paper to start again. You need to determine if this man has damaged your paper to the point that you can do some counselling and continue on, creating a beautiful painting together. Or, has he damaged your paper to the point that you need a new paper. I will ask again, what are you both doing to become better partners for each other - to fix that case or salvage the piece of art? Premarital counselling? Talking with your priest or another couple who have been married for a long time? Reading relationship/self help books? What kind of commitment has he made to learn how to control his anger, communicate his needs, and stop the verbally abusive behavior? Because - if the answer is nothing, I’m getting a new paper. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 24 Share Posted April 24 7 hours ago, brokenbird said: Religious guys dont even feel the urge to look at this type of content. Oh, honey. I live in Rome and have friends who work for the Vatican, in daily contact with clergy. I can assure you this is not even close to being true. You would be shocked if I told you what I know for a fact some of them do behind closed doors (and yes, I have seen it with my own eyes) You cannot be this naive. I don't buy it. I think you desperately want to believe some men have no urge, but your boyfriend ain't one of those men anyway. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted April 24 Share Posted April 24 7 hours ago, Gaeta said: Expecting a man, especially a young man, to never ever look at videos with sexy women is like asking a dog to stop licking its butt. Oh my @GaetaI am going to save this one. Don't worry: I don't take offense and I certainly don't think you're wrong, but the words (I love great sentences and great analogies)--your words slam so hard and so funny. Dang! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted April 24 Share Posted April 24 1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said: Oh my @GaetaI am going to save this one. Don't worry: I don't take offense and I certainly don't think you're wrong, but the words (I love great sentences and great analogies)--your words slam so hard and so funny. Dang! Haha! I was loss for words and it's first thing that popped in my mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted April 24 Share Posted April 24 14 hours ago, brokenbird said: No. I want him to not do it because it is pointless. He says he is content with me, I am pretty and attractive and desired for him, he loves me, then why the urge to consume this content ? Why are you on here writing and chatting with other people who you don't even know for hours? You have a boyfriend. You could be talking to him instead. Hell. You might have talked to him 15 more hours already this week, if you hadn't been spending your time on here. Why the urge to type with strangers on the Internet when you have him? 14 hours ago, brokenbird said: Btw I still did not pressure him, I dont remember any subtle hint that he should not watch those things, kept it to myself You are dishonest. You've told us here at least a dozen times, across several threads and various user names, all about how you and he "agreed" that he was never going to look at this or that again. Look up the page, you posted this yourself: Quote "did you not promise few months back that you dont open these ? not that I care, just a memory of you promising". Please, don't bother telling us that you didn't ask him not to look. With any healthy couple this would never happen because one partner would NEVER be in a position to "promise" the other that they would not look at some video. If a generally healthy person had an issue with what videos their partner was looking at, it would be because there was something horrible about those videos: you know; beastiality, violence, snuff films. Not because it was a hot woman dancing around. Lord have mercy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted April 25 Share Posted April 25 16 hours ago, brokenbird said: Ugh I rather not, I dont want to be even more disappointed in men. You can’t remain ignorant just because you don’t want to be disappointed. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted April 25 Share Posted April 25 14 hours ago, brokenbird said: Religious guys dont even feel the urge to look at this type of content. I’m sorry, but this was one of the silliest things I’ve read recently. I’m a religious guy, and I’ve been feeling the urge to look at this type of content since I was 13. Now I’m pushing 50 and I still occasionally look at this type of content. My fiancée knows it and has absolutely nothing against it, because it doesn’t affect our sex life negatively (if anything, it affects it positively, because “dirty” scenarios are always great food for fantasies). It would be in your best interest to start thinking less rigidly and accept the world the way it is, rather than trying to tailor it to your own ideals and preferences. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted April 25 Share Posted April 25 14 hours ago, brokenbird said: Uhh I get it from my ex colleagues, like 6-7 Arab guys between the ages of 22-34. They are Muslims and we used to grab coffe together and talk about intimate stuff like this. Or I can use as an example 2 Christian guys from my highschool, we still keep in contact and had beers like a year ago. Most of these guys dont have girlfriends, some do, and they all told the same thing. They dont feel the urge to acknowledge that someone looks attractive when they have a partner. They said women look like men to them, nothing to find hot or desirable. So I dont know,according to them, they are not like this because they want to be good for their gods but because they feel like that. Sorry, but they are lying. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted April 25 Share Posted April 25 13 hours ago, brokenbird said: my Mom used to tell me that if I want a guy never ever looking at any other women in any way, I should date an Arab man like him because they are so strict and appreciative. There is so much confusion in this statement (and in your attitude to these things in general). Men from strict religious communities and conservative cultures might be better at hiding their desires, but biologically, they don’t differ from other men at all, which means that they don’t view women “as though they were men”, as your friends told you. If anything, excessive shame of one’s own sexuality and continuous repression of natural urges might lead to sudden “explosions” in that area when circumstances change. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted April 25 Share Posted April 25 13 hours ago, brokenbird said: But how should I handle if he did it purposefully and still lied about it even after I almost broke up with him a year ago for lying about p0rn? So you did threaten him with a breakup over that? Honestly, you should be very appreciative of the fact that he is still with you. A lot of other guys would have run far away after that. 13 hours ago, brokenbird said: How should I build trust if I feel like he might lie? By not putting him in a situation where he feels that lying is the only option to keep this relationship. 14 hours ago, brokenbird said: Then why do I feel like it is threatening if he does it ? I Because you are very insecure. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 25 Share Posted April 25 (edited) 14 hours ago, brokenbird said: How should I build trust if I feel like he might lie?.............Let's imagine a miracle scenario. All my worries and "nagging" go away in a heartbeat. All my traits that you call controlling and other things, just disappear. I am perfect now. Could this relationship go fine after he lied about things you say he did so because of nagging and fear? I would say that you absolutely cannot trust someone to follow a lifestyle which they don't agree with but has been enforced on them. Further, the only way for the relationship to go fine in the perfect future is for you to be honest about your part in having having put him in a position where he feels the need to lie to you. As he grows more mature, it's likely he will refuse to accept your rules so that he doesn't have to lie to you. Quote (Although I truly believe that those music videos yesterday didn't mean any visual pleasure and he just listened to it, its quite obvious) And of course he enjoyed the visuals as much as the music! Otherwise he would have just listened on an audio only streaming service. And it's all completely normal and you should not be monitoring it Edited April 25 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted April 25 Share Posted April 25 13 hours ago, brokenbird said: Then us women just have to accept that even if they dont watch p0rn, they will sometimes look at women? What is “looking at women” to you? If that means “drooling over other women, fantasizing about sleeping with them”, etc,, then no, a man who truly loves his woman will nip such thoughts in the bud. If that means “noticing other women, acknowledging other women’s beauty and attractiveness”, then you should be happy that your boyfriend is a normal, healthy guy who likes women, yet chose to be faithful to you. One thing is still very unclear to me: what does watching porn have to do with any of that? Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted April 25 Share Posted April 25 13 hours ago, brokenbird said: Okay. Let's imagine a miracle scenario. All my worries and "nagging" go away in a heartbeat. All my traits that you call controlling and other things, just disappear. I am perfect now. Could this relationship go fine after he lied about things you say he did so because of nagging and fear? Sure. You apologize to him, stop controlling him and bullying him into lying, he relaxes, watches porn whenever he wants to, stops lying about that, the relationship goes fine. Except that this can’t be a “miracle”, it’s something you need to work on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenbird Posted April 25 Author Share Posted April 25 (edited) I dont even know what to answer to, there are 10 of you and 1 of me. Yes, I did break up with him a year ago for lying about p0rn. Because lying for years and building up a whole innocent persona is unacceptable. Its not fine that I thought I was dating Jim when he was Joe all along. You can come at me, but people back then were on my side. I dont have multiple accounts hence it is not allowed. I have one phone and that is all. Maybe if I signt up from incognito mode too,I can create 2. I am also on Girls ask Guys, that is it. Bullying him into lying sounds so dramatic and hilarious. I dont know what bullying means to you, but if I have a panic attack and I cry like a baby, its probably me that feels attacked and not him. I just cant even have any word for it because it is just hilarious to me. Like I can bully anyone without breaking down crying, thanks for assuming I am such a big girl, but sadly not. Noticing other women's beauty vs drooling over them. Which do you think happens while watching p0rn? I bet its not her eyes or shiny hair that guys notice, rather how nice that booty moves, etc. Many people fantasize while masturbating,like they are in that scenario, and most p0rn videos (like9 out of 10) are created from POV, which allows that fantasy to flow. If you guys say I am putting him into the position of lying, you can also say he puts me in the position to snoop around all his devices, yes? I nag he lies, he lies I snoop. That is not how things work in the adult world, he could choose to say "Babe, I know that you hate p0rn because you think I like it more than you. I like p0rn when you are not around and I dont want to lie to you, so let's sit down and talk about why you are better than p0rn, and what p0rn gives when you are not available and maybe you can be more open?". A dog licks his bum because that is how he cleans it and because he is dumb and likes the smell. I think men are smarter than dogs, maybe. Cleaning yourself is mandatory, looking at women is not. Eating,sleeping,staying warm, these are mandatory, everything else is for comfort or entertainment. I dont drink coffe twice a day because a dog licks its butt, my habit is a habit of entertainment and joy, the dogs is so his @ss doesnt get infeced. Not really the same. Dont tell me you will die because you dont watch hot guys on the beach. Even with sex, you get uncomfortable if you dont have it, but you dont die. However you die of you dont eat or stay warm in the winter. So its definitely a lack of determination. Edited April 25 by brokenbird Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 25 Share Posted April 25 39 minutes ago, brokenbird said: That is not how things work in the adult world That is the point - your relationship is a highly immature one, which is why it's falling apart in front of your eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 25 Share Posted April 25 42 minutes ago, brokenbird said: I bet its not her eyes or shiny hair that guys notice, rather how nice that booty moves, Well, yeah. Your boyfriend likes looking at sexy woman, and yes, they sometimes turn him on sexually. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 25 Share Posted April 25 43 minutes ago, brokenbird said: Yes, I did break up with him a year ago for lying about p0rn. Because lying for years and building up a whole innocent persona is unacceptable. He has to lie if he wants to keep the relationship - you have given him no other choice. If you broke up for a year over this, you should never have taken him back. Why he stays is beyond me - Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenbird Posted April 25 Author Share Posted April 25 22 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Well, yeah. Your boyfriend likes looking at sexy woman, and yes, they sometimes turn him on sexually. Why say my boyfriend? I talked about men in general, now its just trying to be hurtful 19 minutes ago, BaileyB said: He has to lie if he wants to keep the relationship - you have given him no other choice. If you broke up for a year over this, you should never have taken him back. Why he stays is beyond me - I did not. I broke up with him but he lied his wait out of it, and 2 months later he admitted everything Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 25 Share Posted April 25 This battle is about control. The topic of discussion is porn. The hurt comes from the fact that you feel that you’ve been lied to and betrayed. But - part of the reason why you feel lied to and betrayed is because you’ve set a ridiculous standard for behavior that you have no right to demand or power to enforce. But really, this is about control and respect - neither of which you feel like you have in this relationship. Add some of your own insecurity to his less than desirable behavior at times and around and around you go - you are trying to exert your control, subtly, and he continues to “behave badly” because it’s difficult to live with this kind of veiled hostility and repression. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 25 Share Posted April 25 (edited) 1 hour ago, brokenbird said: Why say my boyfriend? I talked about men in general, now its just trying to be hurtful Oh, please. Spare me. This thread is about your boyfried, so I am commenting on your boyfriend. I am speaking about your boyfriend based on the anecdotes you provded about him. It's obviously true that also he enjoys checking out beautiful women and is sometimes sexually excited by them. The porn he watched the music video with a sexy woman? That was your boyfriend you were talking about. Not just men in general. He is clearly among them. You can stomp your feet and cover your ears and try to police his thoughts all you want but it won't change the fact that he does find women who aren't you attractive, too. That doesn't mean he will act on it and cheat on you but if you genuinely think he will never find another woman sexually arousing besides you, you are in for a terrible wake-up call. Edited April 25 by ExpatInItaly 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted April 25 Share Posted April 25 1 hour ago, brokenbird said: A dog licks his bum because that is how he cleans it and because he is dumb and likes the smell. I think men are smarter than dogs, maybe You missed my point, and you will keep on missing it until you educate yourself on the difference between a woman's and man's brain. At our birth we are programmed for certain things, things that are innate. Who teaches a baby to suck on its mom's breast right out of the womb? No one. Who teaches dogs to lick their butt for cleanliness? no one. What is programmed and innate to men: * the sexual pursuit area of men’s brains is up to 2.5 times larger than that of females * men produce 25 times more testosterone than women *a male’s brain is, evolutionarily, more primed towards sexual conquest. * men have a sexual thought 19 times a day. They don't control that, they don't seek it, it pops in their head because that's how their brain is programmed. Before monogamy was invented, because you know monogamy was only invented 1,000 years ago! men were free to prowl and act on their innate need to spread their gene, they are programmed like for the survival of our species. Marriage exist since 2,300 years b.c. but marriage had nothing to do with being monogamous back then. Marriage and monogamy were 2 different concepts for a duration of 1,000 year. Now, not much has changed in men's brain except, of course the brain expended and now we can create technology and all, but the programming to ensure our survival is still beneath it all. In our modern world having sex around to release that primal sexual need is frown upon. Men still have that super sexual tension to deal with, still have that need to conquest and spread their genes, but as you said we are in a civilized world now so what men do? Some of that sexual tension is released by watching sexy videos, some porn, checking sexy ladies in the street once in a while. Men with a 'modern' brain appeared 100,000 years ago on earth. You think something that has been programmed in men's brain for that long can just disappear because you wish it did? It will not, this is bigger than you and I and everyone else. This is biology. How women should deal with this? We should let our boyfriend/husband have their privacy. As long as you have a satisfying sexual life with him, as long as he's loving and not cheating, you're the luckiest girl in the world. What your boyfriend think in his head, his fantasy, what he watches on his phone is PRIVATE to him. If you try to control that I assure you BIOLOGY will win over this battle, not you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted April 25 Share Posted April 25 On 4/24/2024 at 6:07 AM, brokenbird said: They said women look like men to them, nothing to find hot or desirable. So I dont know,according to them, they are not like this because they want to be good for their gods but because they feel like that. Any other guy I talked to say the opposite that these religious guys said It seems like you will say anything to support your irrational fears and the lengths you go to to in efforts to soothe them. You are so immersed in rationalization, justification and seeking confirmation for your outlandish biases that you are incapable of even KNOWING a man. Maybe you don't really know any other people at all. You are that wrapped up in yourself and how what you think and what you do based on that. Some "ex colleagues" and some other guys you "grabbed beer with" are the arbiters of male sexuality for you ... meanwhile you have an actual boyfriend who you are not even in touch with in a real way. You are too desperate with your fears and control efforts to be there. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted April 25 Share Posted April 25 10 hours ago, basil67 said: As he grows more mature, it's likely he will refuse to accept your rules so that he doesn't have to lie to you. We can only hope. This guy really needs to make a break for freedom. And, OP, you need to do the same thing. The thought of you going through your life completely controlled by paranoia and fears that will prevent you from ever knowing and understanding YOURSELF much less any other human being is very sad. You will not be able to deal with these issues as long as your focus remains fixated on another person and all the things you feel necessary to do in order to keep his mind and body under your control. Ugh. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 25 Share Posted April 25 4 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: This guy really needs to make a break for freedom. He was free for a year - hard to understand why he would go back… particularly if they continue to argue about the same issues. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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