There are only very few fights, but they are nasty

[NuevoYorko]

12 hours ago, Els said:

I feel like you're bordering on being emotionally abusive towards him with this controlling behaviour.

That's how I feel about it.   I am very close to viewing this as abuse.  Reading about it is profoundly disturbing.   And the way that the OP has absolutely no sense that she is doing something terrible to another human being that supposedly she "loves,"  and has some facile justification for all of it, is horrifying.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

I am very close to viewing this as abuse.

Likewise. 

If OP were a man behaving this way with his female partner, I suspect that would have been the general reaction much sooner. 

[Gebidozo]

 

10 hours ago, brokenbird said:

Ill explain one more time. We broke up FOR A DAY, because he came back crawling and lying his way out so I forgive him.

Does he know that you talk about him in this disrespectful tone with strangers on the internet?

If he’s ok with you treating him this way, he has no self respect. 

I’m beginning to think that he is too young and immature, if he’s clinging to a relationship in which he nearly gets emotionally abused.

10 hours ago, brokenbird said:

This makes me realize that I cant take every "advice" to heart because you guys can misunderstand things that I say many times, which is fine I guess, its texting, but how do I know you dont misunderstand something about me and then scold.me for it

Nobody is scolding you. People here tell you honestly what they think. If I were you I’d at least be wondering why everyone is telling you the same thing.

I started several topics here myself and the local people quickly made me learn certain things about myself, some of which were anything but flattering. They weren’t scolding me, they were helping me understand myself.

[Gebidozo]

10 hours ago, brokenbird said:

Well its quite funny how he can be jealous when I have a favorite rockband singer not even in that way, but I cant be if he has a favorite p0rnstar he looks at 1/15 times he looks at p0rn. If we watch a romance movie I chose, his first sentence is "we defo watch it for the guy, I can see his hair lookin just like you like it"

What can I say. You’re both little kids, then. Immature and insecure. You both have a lot to learn. Please don’t rush into marriage or anything like that.

[Gebidozo]

9 hours ago, brokenbird said:

I hope there wont be 20 different scoldings, because I am trying to heal and some people make me feel more down than hopeful for healing. I was at a therapist today who works with couples too, I have read some replies to her, and although she saw wise ones, she for sure found some that are way more destructive then helpful, especially the ones that decide that they can predict that this is unsavable. Couples came back up from way worse cases than ours, and what she reassured that us trying and slowly opening up will have its effect, and if I work with myself, my resentment and scars can and probably will fade, because we do put effort in this. I believe many of you, but I believe a certified therapist, too. She told the brutal truth about me too, so it was not just all cakes and cherries

Come on. Unlike your therapist, we are giving you free advice here. Asking amateurs to be on the same level as professionals is unrealistic. And also not very nice, because you aren’t paying those amateurs anything, they volunteer to help you.

People have very different styles of advising in general. You can’t really expect individual therapy tailored to suit your particular preferences here,

[brokenbird]

1 hour ago, Susie47 said:

I always knew my ex husband was a cheater and a liar but had no concrete evidience to present until Spyworld47 on IG helped me with the access to his phone and I was shocked because of things I saw . Spyworld47 on IG

How did you come up with cheating in my case? Not even once did it cross my mind. Lying and watching p0rn is not something I directly link with cheater personality 

[brokenbird]

7 minutes ago, Susie47 said:

Watching porn while you are in a committed relationship does not make any sense because porn literally makes one wanna cheat so bad. Dm spyworld47 , they will help you out ,

@Gebidozoand everyone, maybe this kind of comment should be also talked about. Almost all people here talked about p0rn being fine until it is not abused or causing problems for the relationship, now it straight up makes you want to cheat "so bad" 😂

Edited April 26 by brokenbird

[brokenbird]

Just now, brokenbird said:

@Gebidozoand everyone, maybe this kind of comment should be also talked about. Almost all people here talked about p0rn being fine until it is not abused or causing problems for the relationship, now it straight up makes you want to cheat "so bad" 😂

Oh now I see, you advertise your business here by trying to make others feels unsure about their partner. I have seen your comments on different sites too and you suggest every guy is a cheater just because they had an arguement with their girlfriends. I missed it for a minute, now I remember you. A 19 year old girl had a fight about his boyfriend not telling her compliments every day and you literally said he is probably cheating. Gosh, what a mess 

[BaileyB]

29 minutes ago, Susie47 said:

Watching porn while you are in a committed relationship does not make any sense because porn literally makes one wanna cheat so bad. Dm spyworld47 , they will help you out ,

It’s interesting how you jump on the one response that goes against the grain and supports your insecurity and anxiety.

Have you considered that this not a real post, but a troll. I would be very suspicious about this post. 

I too would consider what OP is doing emotionally abusive. What concerns me most is how dismissive OP is the opinions of others - both in this discussion and her  partner - and cling so rigidity to her own assertions. I find it difficult at times to believe that someone could read these replies and not consider that they may need to shift their thoughts/behavior. 
 

[BaileyB]

26 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

Gosh, what a mess 

Indeed, you are not here seeking actual advice and you are certainly not interested in changing your behavior. And with that, I’m out.

[brokenbird]

12 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It’s interesting how you jump on the one response that goes against the grain and supports your insecurity and anxiety.

Have you considered that this not a real post, but a troll. I would be very suspicious about this post. 

I too would consider what OP is doing emotionally abusive. What concerns me most is how dismissive OP is the opinions of others - both in this discussion and her  partner - and cling so rigidity to her own assertions. I find it difficult at times to believe that someone could read these replies and not consider that they may need to shift their thoughts/behavior. 
 

I literally answer every single response?! Please stop nitpicking. I replied to every.single.comment that has arrived, so stop with the "I jumped to the troll's". Its not a troll btw, Its a scammer singing up to every single relationship site, trying to worry people into thinking their partner cheats. I saw them on different sites.  End of diacussion for me about such a negative person trying to scam people

[BaileyB]

Scammer = troll 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, brokenbird said:

How did you come up with cheating in my case? Not even once did it cross my mind. Lying and watching p0rn is not something I directly link with cheater personality 

You realize you are talking to a spammer, don't you? 

[brokenbird]

12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You realize you are talking to a spammer, don't you? 

I did not at first. Then I saw "their" name and remembered them from GAG where I gave advice to the previously mentioned 19 year old girl. Same username and same IG suggestion.

 

37 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Scammer = troll 

 

Again,language difference. In my language, a troll and a scammer is different. A troll is making fun of you, for example "my boyfriend watched p0rn too, so I tortured him by making him watch p0rn for 40 hours straight until he got so bored of it that now he only looks at me", a scammer is trying to make you believe that they have something great to offer to you. I understand that in english it is the same, but in mine they are a scammer, because they act like a business exists, they try to make you think you have the problem which they have the perfect solution for, etc. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, brokenbird said:

I did not at first. Then I saw "their" name and remembered them from GAG where I gave advice to the previously mentioned 19 year old girl. Same username and same IG suggestion.

 

Again,language difference. In my language, a troll and a scammer is different. A troll is making fun of you, for example "my boyfriend watched p0rn too, so I tortured him by making him watch p0rn for 40 hours straight until he got so bored of it that now he only looks at me", a scammer is trying to make you believe that they have something great to offer to you. I understand that in english it is the same, but in mine they are a scammer, because they act like a business exists, they try to make you think you have the problem which they have the perfect solution for, etc. 

I don’t disagree, But, for all intent and purpose, they have the same function as you are now debating and clarifying the difference between a troll and a scammer rather than focusing on the reason for your post. Do you really want to get into the weeds and debate the difference between a troll and a scammer, because I will not. 

[NuevoYorko]

OP:  You only have 2 missions.  

1)  gain complete control over your boyfriend, mentally as well as physically

2)  always being "right"

You are on the wrong track.  The things you need help with have nothing to do with controlling this poor clueless fellow or  always being right.  You need help with growing and changing YOURSELF so that you will not desperately need to control anyone else, or twist the truth so insanely in order to justify abusive behavior - all because of your insecurity and self absorbsion.

Nobody here is interested in "helping" you, or anyone, with succeeding with the goals you have, because they are sick - both to you, and to other people in your orbit.

Nobody here is freaking SCOLDING you.     

 

[Gaeta]

16 hours ago, brokenbird said:

I hope there wont be 20 different scoldings, because I am trying to heal and some people make me feel more down than hopeful for healing. I was at a therapist today who works with couples too, I have read some replies to her, and although she saw wise ones, she for sure found some that are way more destructive then helpful, especially the ones that decide that they can predict that this is unsavable. Couples came back up from way worse cases than ours, and what she reassured that us trying and slowly opening up will have its effect, and if I work with myself, my resentment and scars can and probably will fade, because we do put effort in this. I believe many of you, but I believe a certified therapist, too. She told the brutal truth about me too, so it was not just all cakes and cherries

I think you lack objectivity.

Your therapist main goal is to work with you on your trauma. She is not there to fix your relationship. She gave you a generic answer *relationships can be fixed* and she said that without even having a word with your boyfriend and not considering his intake his feelings, his experience, on the matter. 

Therapist are humans too. Some are good at their job, some not so good. A therapist role is NOT to reassure you and it's certainly not to keep you in an unhappy relationship by feeding false hope.

Edited April 26 by Gaeta

[NuevoYorko]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I think you lack objectivity.

Ya think?

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Your therapist main goal is to work with you on your trauma. She is not there to fix your relationship.

Yes.   If this therapist is a decent one, they will be trying (fruitlessly, but trying) to steer OP away from focussing on the BF, his transgressions, and the OP's obsessive efforts to run him like a puppet.

I'm sure the therapist was trying to avoid spending a session (or several) reading responses from an advice forum.  Kudos to the OP for getting them to do it.   But OP is relentless.  

[brokenbird]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

she said that without even having a word with your boyfriend and not considering his intake his feelings, his experience, on the matter. 

She did talk to him, too. I just didn't feel the need to explain the whole situation. We dont have the money to go to counseling yet,I cant give you prices hence you probably dont have the same currency as we have. I have seen her maybe 6-7 times now and instead a one on one session, she "charged" us or how to say it, in a different way. Every first session is free with her and since I havent been to her as a couple councelor, it was free because in this sense it was the first time. So your opinion about false hope is not true, it was a 3 person thing, we just cant afford it for now for other reasons not linked to our relationship status. And she definitely doesnt "pick my side", she tells me the harsh truth many times even in one session. If you really must know this side too, she is not against p0rn, she is not against checking out people, she sides with people being present and loving in a relationship and if the two thing can work together, it is fine in her opinion. You guys always tell me to not think instead of my boyfriend and not put words in his mouth, you shouldnt do the same with me, because I dont write down everything . The same way I dont write down that I was touched in the morning that before going to work, he was so thoughtful that he fixed my bike while I was sleeping,so I dont have to walk. Or that he injured his hand so I was washing his hair and scratching his back for 2 hours because he fell asleep while hugging me. Dont just expect the bad 

[NuevoYorko]

9 hours ago, brokenbird said:

 You guys always tell me to not think instead of my boyfriend and not put words in his mouth, you shouldnt do the same with me, because I dont write down everything . The same way I dont write down that I was touched in the morning that before going to work, he was so thoughtful that he fixed my bike while I was sleeping,so I dont have to walk. Or that he injured his hand so I was washing his hair and scratching his back for 2 hours because he fell asleep while hugging me. Dont just expect the bad 

Well, good that you have some nice moments.

That doesn't negate the profound issues.  Surely you know this.   

It doesn't matter how many nice examples you give.   The poisonous stuff is poisonous.   

[brokenbird]

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

some nice moments.

99 out of 100 is nice,  for my ratio in my life, that is good enough

[basil67]

13 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

99 out of 100 is nice,  for my ratio in my life, that is good enough

 I seem to recall you saying that these fights happen about once a month.  It may be good enough for you, but is this good enough for your boyfriend?  Because I'd end a relationship which had this many nasty fights.  

Have you noticed that you keep bringing this back to you being OK and how you wouldn't leave?   But you're only half of the relationship.  If he did end things because these overly lengthy conversations and expectations on his behaviour are driving him nuts, would you understand how he feels?

 

Edited April 27 by basil67

[brokenbird]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

It may be good enough for you, but is this good enough for your boyfriend

Yesterday when we talked about the therapy session, I asked him why he didn't just leave, what his causes are for staying, etc. 

He had a longer answer, but in a short version its that he gets too much good from me and apart from that once in a while sh***y day, he sees me as a loving and caring person, he sees how good I am with kids (sadly I had to be a stepmom from 8-14) and he had seen our progress, we are just st***d kids and we will get there. 

I asked if it was worth it for him, and he got kinda offended, asking back if it was worth for me (again language is not languaging, he was surprised because for him it is and he didn't even understand why I came up with that question). I dont know, if he feels that way, I am not going to step away from someone I feel the same way for

[NuevoYorko]

Your boyfriend is very well trained not to say or do anything that you won't like.  The consequences are too wretched.   

He will come to his senses at some point and then maybe you will do something to help yourself. 

[brokenbird]

27 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Your boyfriend is very well trained not to say or do anything that you won't like.  The consequences are too wretched.   

He will come to his senses at some point and then maybe you will do something to help yourself. 

I love that sometimes you talk just like I am the devil myself. Like I am a powerful terrorist,keeping a 25 year old man against his will. You forget that he had the nerve and audacity to lie for years, he is smart enough to decide what he wants. I remember like 2 years ago, on a very different website, they told me I will be having constant panic attacks and meltdowns (because I had them every other day) and now it happens maybe 4-5 times a year. One thing you surely accomplish with this not so positive feedback, I am even more happy when I prove others wrong. 

I got many positive (as in useful critique) advices for myself and my relationship, too. But we are going to a different direction now, so its time I say thank you all, I have learnt again some things about myself and relationships.

Im sure you @NuevoYorko will hear about me, hopefully with a more adult-like problem I want to work on. Because as you might know , I come here to learn and grow, not to complain, I have girlfriends for that.