My mother-in-law lashed out and is destroying my marriage

[Long_Relief_22]

Last month, my wife and I welcomed our first child. The birth went smoothly without complications. My wife, who has clinical anxiety and endometriosis, was anxious about potential complications and her postpartum support. Before going to the hospital, she organized lists of chores for grandparents, selected restaurants for ordering meals, and prepared for the worst outcome. Luckily we didn’t have any major problems.

Two weeks before went into the hospital, my wife and I discussed her parents' relationship with me. It’s been tense; her mother often gives backhanded compliments, invades my privacy, and has verbally attacked me without apology. When visiting, she takes over our home, dictating my actions. My wife, disliking conflict, has never really defended me. She mentioned that she hates “being in the middle” and requested that I be direct and communicate my discomfort to her mother, which is difficult given how polite and non-confrontational I am.

Postpartum, the plan was for her parents to assist us for a week after discharge, followed by my parents and brother the week after. My parents, understanding the importance of the initial support from her side, booked flexible flights and chose a nearby hotel to avoid intruding. The day of my wife’s induction, my parents scheduled their visit to briefly overlap with her parents, aiming to foster a better relationship with them. There were no concerns raised about this and the plan proceeded. My wife’s labor lasted two days, with her parents arriving to the hospital the day of delivery, as opposed to the day of discharge. My parents kept their flights and decided they would do tourist things until the in-laws' departure with a small get together to exchange pleasantries.

Following the birth, we are kept in the hospital an extra day because the baby is slightly underweight. All doctors say it’s nothing to worry about, but protocol requires us to stay. The pediatrician checks our daughter and allows us to leave the next day, but advises that we come back Sunday for a quick weight check, even though we are seeing our pediatrician on Monday. We schedule the appointment and leave the hospital. We have been there 4.5 days.

As I’m putting the baby in the car, my wife starts to breakdown and yell at me for not going fast enough. She’s upset that the hospital kept us this long and wants to get home as soon as she can. I comply and she apologizes on the way home.

As soon as we arrive home, her mother begins to insist that we cancel the appointments, claiming that they've upset her daughter. I counter by explaining that the hospital visit went smoothly and my wife simply wanted to return home. I repeatedly clarify that the hospital was merely following protocol, and there was no ill intent from the pediatrician or the staff. After all, it's rare for anyone to be discharged exactly on time.

After lunch, her mother shifts her focus from the baby to critiquing my job, suggesting I must hate it, which isn't true. Our company is being acquired, and a payout is expected. As she continues to criticize various aspects of my life, I respond by practicing gray rocking—giving minimal responses—and I can't help but roll my eyes. This continues until I get up and start cleaning the house.

During their stay, my in-laws decided that our daughter should stay in their room to allow us to rest. However, at night, I see that my wife isn't sleeping; instead, she's anxiously monitoring our baby through the Nanit camera feed. However, because the baby is in their room, I feel uneasy about intruding, which leaves me sidelined. Additionally, her mom enters our room every three hours to wake my wife for breastfeeding, while my father-in-law cares for our daughter. This arrangement makes me feel excluded from crucial parenting duties and as if my role in caring for our daughter and wife is being completely usurped.

The next day, I head to the gym to relieve stress. When I return home, I find that all the housework has been completed, and my wife is spending time with our daughter. With nothing else pressing, I decide to work on my laptop. Later, my wife mentions that her right breast feels unusually firm, suspecting a clogged duct. Her mother immediately takes on a comforting role, telling my wife that she’ll ensure that “I” will arrange the necessary medical appointments. She then instructs me to fetch a warm compress from the kitchen. I bring her a bowl of hot water and a towel, which she dismisses, then demands that I microwave a damp towel for 30 seconds instead. After returning with the heated towel, she claims that it wasn't microwaved for the requested time. I reassure her it was, but she insists it wasn’t. At no point does she politely request a hotter compress; instead, she picks unnecessary arguments. Throughout this frustrating exchange, I remain silent and roll my eyes, which my wife notices. Eventually, we head to bed.

The following day, my wife notices I seem off and asks what's wrong. At first, I dismiss it, but her persistence leads me to open up about my frustrations with her mother. I explain that it feels like her parents are overstepping their boundaries with our daughter, and I express my dissatisfaction with how her mother has been nitpicking and making me feel inadequate. As I detail the situations where her mother repeatedly called me tired despite my objections, my wife becomes upset and starts to cry. Unbeknownst to us, her father hears her from the next room and sends her mother into our bedroom to check on us. When she enters and inquires about the issue, my wife, still upset, ends up sharing details of our private conversation. This escalates to a direct discussion about keeping our daughter in our room, to which her mother agrees. To defuse the situation, her mother decides to take a walk with her husband, a contingency plan we had agreed upon should tensions rise.

While they are on their walk, my wife and I focus on taking care of our daughter, doing laundry, and generally moving forward. Things are going smoothly until her parents return. Upon their arrival, they inform us they're leaving, believing it to be for the best. My wife is devastated and shouts about how cruel their departure seems, a sentiment I share. Her mother remarks that it may seem harsh, but it's necessary. They also mention leaving before my parents arrive, citing awkwardness due to not knowing them that well. This sparks a reaction from my wife who begins to criticize my parents, calling them invasive despite the fact that they’re not in town, not planning on staying with us, and have visited far less frequent than her parents have. She then brings up their involvement at our wedding, where I had invited my parents to tour a few vineyards the day after—a trip we both agreed upon since it was a destination wedding for my family and they funded the entire thing. Contrary to her claims, they did not overstep; they were welcomed participants. Overall, her parents’ decision to leave unexpectedly is what truly throws a wrench into our situation causing emotions and tensions to escalate.

A few hours after my in-laws leave, my parents arrive. I update them on the situation, explaining that the in-laws have departed amid some chaos. They are upset, not fully grasping the dynamics, but I encourage them to come for a brief visit to offer their congratulations. During their visit, my wife is polite and gracious. However, once they leave, she expresses disappointment in my parents, expecting more from them since they were “so eager to come” that it drove her parents away. She tends to emphasize their perceived intrusiveness while downplaying the impact of her own parents leaving at a critical time.

I apologize to her for any discomfort caused to her parents and commit to resolving the tensions. That evening, I draft a sincere apology to my in-laws, aiming to mend fences and establish common ground. The next day I send this apology and get the most inconsiderate response back.

At this point, I'm really frustrated, but I keep it to myself. I'm looking after my wife and the baby, handling all the housework, and even asking my parents to get more involved, which they do willingly, despite it not being their initial plan. Later that evening, my wife revisits the issue of my parents' supposed intrusion, sparking a significant argument about her parents' behavior during their visit and my feelings about it. In the heat of the argument, she warns me, "If I have to choose between you and my parents, you will not like my decision," which deeply upsets me. I try to show her the apology letter and the response I received, but she refuses to read it; citing that if you mom was rude it’s because I deserve it. As the discussion escalates, I become more animated and raise my voice, which alarms my wife because she's not used to seeing me this way. Eventually, things settle down, we have dinner, and we go to bed.

As the week progresses, I find myself using every errand—like going to UPS or picking up groceries—as a chance to talk privately with my parents or brother. They sense my distress, making our interactions somewhat strained. During one of these outings, my wife decides it’s an opportune time to ask my parents if I have any psychological issues. When they relay the conversation to me later, they express how they felt attacked and caught off guard by this question. Although they were open to listening to my wife, they defended me, finding her concerns inconsistent with the person they know me to be. At this point, my parents are aware of the tension with the in-laws and the apology note, but they don’t know about my wife’s comments regarding choosing her parents over me.

I'm eager to discuss all of these developments with my wife, but whenever I try, she insists, “Let's get through this week and then we’ll talk.” Respecting her request, I choose to keep quiet until my family departs.

The following week, I wait for my wife to initiate the conversation we had postponed, but she doesn't bring it up. Instead, she informs me that her parents will be visiting for Easter, but staying in an AirBnB instead of our home. She explains that she cannot travel to see them due to her recovery and wanted to give me space for interview prep at the company acquiring us. Understanding how important her parents' support is to her, I offer to travel during that week so she can have time alone with the baby and her parents. She dismisses the idea as too extreme, assuring me that their staying in an AirBnB is the simplest solution.

Aside from this, we encounter another disagreement. That week I ask to go to the gym to clear my head. She agrees but requests that I keep it under three hours. During my workout, she texts me, concerned that I've been gone nearly two hours, even though it’s only been 65 minutes —I time my workouts. This leads to a discussion where she expresses frustration that I'm not more considerate of her and our child. A comment that couldn’t be further from the truth. She insists I text my friends to ask if they went to the gym at this stage postpartum, unhappy with my tone during our exchange. To avoid further conflict, I stop going to the gym for the rest of the week, even though she tries to encourage me to do so on a daily basis.

It's Easter weekend, and my in-laws arrive a day early due to weather concerns. Throughout their visit, I don’t see them at all. They briefly enter our house without acknowledging me and spend each day from 11 am to 9 pm with my wife and daughter. Despite the week being framed as a recovery period for my wife, she is expected to pack up all her breastfeeding equipment, changing supplies, and travel to a small AirBnB each day.

One day, I try to discuss the recent turmoil with my wife, but she quickly dismisses the conversation. Instead, she suggests couples therapy. I agree, which seems to surprise her.

On Easter Day, my in-laws take my wife and daughter to visit their friends, leaving me behind. Although I knew about the Easter plans, I wasn't explicitly invited, and my wife didn't mention anything about it the day before or on the day of. Before she leaves with them, I inform her that I've booked a consultation with a couples therapist, as she had requested, because we need to address our issues. She accuses me of trying to ruin her day, asserting that her parents are her priority this week, not me. A few days later, her parents depart, and life with my family resumes.

The following week, I am consumed with interviews, so we avoid discussing our issues. However, a few hours after my final interview, my wife initiates a conversation. Instead of addressing her parents' actions and apologizing for any harsh things said that month, she suggests that I need psychiatric help, despite the fact that I already see a therapist. She mentions that although she was initially upset with her parents, she was able to understand their perspective when they were in town. When responding to her points, my intention isn't to win the argument but to identify the root of the problem and find a pathway forward. However, she dismisses logical explanations and repeatedly tells me to “shut the f*** up” whenever we approach the topic of her mother, revealing a sensitive area.

I mention couples therapy again, but she has changed her mind. I suspect she was hoping the therapist would validate her views and focus on diagnosing me, rather than addressing the underlying issues which may or may not involve her mother. Nonetheless, she storms out for a walk to cool off. When she returns a few hours later, she acts as if the argument never happened.

Since then we have the occasional light-hearted conversation, but overall, communication between us has significantly diminished and she has started sleeping in a separate room.

At this point, the balls are all in their court and I'm at a loss for how to proceed. Could this be postpartum depression? What should I do about my in-laws? How can I prevent my wife from taking actions that are starting to break the foundations of our marriage?

Overall, it appears that a mix of giant misunderstandings, assumptions, and overreactions are driving the current tensions; my wife seems to be pushing forward without looking back and her parents are doing nothing but encouraging this behavior. Normally the kindest and most caring person, it now feels like my wife is out to hurt me. While she frequently mentions that she hates being caught in the middle—a role that naturally falls to a spouse as a mediator between one's partner and extended family—I suspect that the real issue is different. It seems she is uncomfortable confronting her mother or acknowledging her mother's immature and offensive behavior at times.

A few things to keep in mind:

• My wife is an only child.
• My family is close with all of our extended family, while my in-laws are estranged from all of theirs.
• My mother-in-law checks off every single trait of being a toxic mother-in-law. 
• I have not called my mother-in-law a narcissist, but my wife accused me of thinking she is, which makes me think someone has labeled her this before.

Edited April 22 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed links

[stillafool]

On 4/21/2024 at 7:19 AM, Long_Relief_22 said:

My mother-in-law checks off every single trait of being a toxic mother-in-law. 

Sorry for what you and your little family are going through, and it sounds like a nightmare but remember; the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.  Good luck.

[d0nnivain]

Your wife apparently didn't get the message that upon marriage each spouse needs to separate from their family of origin (parents) & put the other spouse first.   She shouldn't be in the middle.  She should be firmly on your side.  If she's not, you have problems.  

[Gebidozo]

Sorry this is happening to you.

It is difficult for some women (especially of certain cultures) to feel “stuck” between husband and parents (especially mother). They struggle to liberate themselves from the mother’s authority, and find it hard to question her wishes. 

I find it very alarming that your wife actually said you wouldn’t like the result of her choosing between you and your parents. She took this too far. One thing is to try and make peace and create compromise between parents and husband, another is to basically threaten the husband with separation if he doesn’t conform to her parents’ wishes.

You definitely need couples therapy. Her refuse to go through it is yet another alarming sign.

[ExpatInItaly]

Your wife is the biggest problem here. 

If she refuses to try to find middle ground and approach couple's therapy again, well, that says it all. She is more interested in being "right" than in preserving this marriage. 

How was your relationship before baby arrived? 

[Els]

Is this only happening now or has it always been happening?

Honestly, if it's recent (and therefore probably temporary), I'd just deal with it. It's 1 month after birth. A large number of women suffer from postpartum depression - hormones are inflated multiple times above the normal range during a pregnancy and then abruptly plummet to below normal. In addition to the stress, exhaustion, pain, bodily changes... she's probably just trying to keep her head above water and in her mind keeping her parents happy (and therefore willing to help with the baby) is paramount. She's not right... but I don't think that arguing with her in this state is going to help anyone, because she is literally not herself during this time.

If she has always prioritized her parents over you, then that's much more difficult. It means that this is who she is, and you're understandably not liking it. However, in that case, why was this not addressed in couples' therapy BEFORE trying to conceive? Every issue that you have before having kids will just be magnified after you have kids.

Edited April 23 by Els