From OW to married

[kaylasummer]

I met Ryan (not his actual name) the summer of 2017 when hired to work for his practice. We worked closely together and developed a friendship. I was so naive at the time; I thought we were both married, nothing will ever happen. My xH was verbally abusive, absent, and I had been extremely unhappy for years. However, we were HS sweethearts, he was the only person I had ever been with, and I was raised to believe divorce was a sin. Ryan and I started going to lunch together which turned into drinks or sometimes dinner after work, to hanging out with friends, to camping together with our families, to our work Christmas party with our spouses present. My xH said he didn't like the way Ryan looked at me and wanted me to quit. At this point we were just friends/co-workers and I was not about to quit a job I had worked so hard for. We ended up filing for divorce. Ryan shared personal things about his W as well - they had a shotgun wedding after becoming pregnant the first week they met (he would have never seen his child as this happened out of state), he was never in love, and she didn't seem to care what he did as long as she had a new vehicle, had a nice home, and was taken care of financially. Feelings started to develop over time, and this grew into an emotional affair.

Ryan and I did everything together, from going out after work, road trips to fun destinations on the weekends, to movie nights, to meeting his siblings, and sharing the same groups of friends going to bonfires, cookouts, etc.  We had so much fun and I had never met anyone so much like me - our hobbies, taste in music, the way we were raised, etc. There were several evenings he walked me to my car and we almost kissed, but I walked away. The EA lasted about a year & a half. We slow danced one evening, shared our first extremely passionate kiss, and that's when I knew I had fallen head over heels.

I avoided him after that, knowing it was wrong, but already in love, making it so hard to stay away. He asked if we could talk; this turned into him sharing his feelings (I could not share mine over fear of being hurt). This turned into a passionate affair that lasted almost two years. I tried to end it a few times to do the right thing, but couldn't He was literally like a magnet. I also truly believed his W didn't care as he spent most of his free time with me, she knew we were together, and seemed ok with it. All of our fun adventures continued and grew into more overnights at his family cabin, and too many adventures to mention. He introduced me to his kids (still school age/young adults) and we all went on a couple of outings. They knew me as his friend. I believe that's when his W became concerned and started asking questions...and there was D day where he admitted to everything. He left and stayed separately still pursuing me, while his W was calling, telling me to stay away from him, that I destroyed her family. She told me she can't compete, and that me leaving was the only way she could keep her family together, stating I'd be a horrible person if I stayed with him. So I quit my job and left him. I saw real tears, begging me to stay, hearing ILY as I walked out the door. It absolutely DESTROYED me. I literally stayed in bed for weeks crying. He called me a few days later to see how I was doing and asked to talk. I asked that he "fix his family" and lied, telling him "I'm doing just fine." I asked for NC at that point.

We stayed NC for six months. The first few were unbearable, as I not only left my job, but the love of my life. I was eventually able to find work and started the long process of healing. I ran into him six months later at our mutual friends Christmas party  (I believe this was set up by our mutual friends; heard he wasn't doing well either). He told me he had filed for divorce the month prior and played some of the sweetest songs that would melt anyone's heart. I was cautious/guarded, so we took things slower this time. We were married this last December, a small beach wedding with our family/friends. It was a long roller coaster of a journey with a lot of heartbreak in there (I truly wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy), but I wanted to share that it can work. It would be great to hear other stories like this - I know they're out there.

 

 

Edited April 22 by kaylasummer
Typo

[BaileyB]

Hi Kayla,

I remember your story. I’m glad that you are happy - you won your prince. I certainly know people who have cheated and then settled into a monogamous relationship with their affair partner… hopefully, that’s what happens for you. Best wishes. 

[mark clemson]

From your story it does sound like, whatever his Ex may have wished for WRT to maintaining their family, he simply didn't want to be with her anymore. From what I understand that's rare with MM in affairs - I would suggest perhaps 5% (1 in 20) or less, although I concede that's a ballpark figure based on reading e.g. these boards and occasional articles on the matter. Ending a marriage is often a big hassle and practical matters often supersede emotional desires in life.

At any rate, it sounds like there was likely genuine disconnect in his marriage and so you beat the odds on this.  Wish you luck/hope you are happy together.

[kaylasummer]

Thank you. This site was so much help when going through the emotional rollercoaster, unbearable heartbreak after going NC, and reconnecting. I don’t think I could have made it without reading other threads and some of your support. I understand the highs & extreme lows of being the OW. Sending virtual love & hugs to anyone going through this. 

[SideChick23]

11 hours ago, kaylasummer said:

Thank you. This site was so much help when going through the emotional rollercoaster, unbearable heartbreak after going NC, and reconnecting. I don’t think I could have made it without reading other threads and some of your support. I understand the highs & extreme lows of being the OW. Sending virtual love & hugs to anyone going through this. 

This gives me a small glimmer of hope. While I know the odds are not in many people’s favor, I am happy to hear that it does happen. I wish you nothing but the best in your new life. Treasure it because you went through hell to get it.