Am I a homewrecker?

[zoe545]

My son's father and I ended our relationship over two years ago. We were never married but lived together. He ended our relationship, and for financial reasons and for the well-being of our 8-year-old son, I asked him to stay in the house. He agreed but moved to another room. He told me he didn't want to be with me anymore and that we wouldn't get back together. I didn't take it seriously, and we drifted apart completely. Nothing happened between us since then, but I must admit I was certain he would come back to me. I was waiting for him to take the initiative, but he never did, and so much time passed. A couple of months ago, he informed me he was moving out, and after a few weeks, he left the house. I suspected it was because of another woman, and yesterday he confirmed it. I feel very betrayed, and I'm not sure if it's okay to feel this way. I feel like he had no right to leave out of nowhere and especially for someone else, when it was obvious I still had feelings for him, and that's why I distanced myself. He says I never told him how I felt and that I just ignored him, so he couldn't assume I still felt something, but it was obvious. Why do I feel this way? Am I overreacting? Is he in the wrong?

[basil67]

I guess you're feeling this way due to a sense of entitlement.  But truth be told, you knew he was unhappy and did nothing to try and address the problem and he gave you ample warning...so I can't see that he's done anything wrong at all. 

[MsJayne]

No, you're not over-reacting, it's obviously a bit of a shock for you to find out he's genuinely over your relationship, and no, he's not in the wrong. Sounds like he's been honest all the way through, and also sounds like maybe you took him for granted quite a lot. Two months notice of moving out is plenty, and I imagine his new relationship must be serious if it's prompted him to re-evaluate his living arrangements.  I don't think you have any reason to be angry at him, probably best to consider your son and accept that it's time to move on and adjust to the new situation without any resentment. Also, no it does not count as cheating. You can't cheat if you're not in a relationship with someone. You may have been imagining that your relationship would resurrect itself, but he checked out two years ago. 

Edited March 14 by MsJayne
Forgot something

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

you knew he was unhappy and did nothing to try and address the problem and he gave you ample warning...so I can't see that he's done anything wrong at all.

I second this. 

He was not wrong, and this does not count as cheating. He told you it was done and he didn't want to get back together. I get why you hoped things would be different, but it's on you that you didn't really believe him. 

You will be okay again, but you first have to work on letting go of misplaced anger towards him. 

 

[d0nnivain]

Your expectations are unreasonable.   Most people would have moved out when you broke up.  His choice to save money was not an indication that he wanted to reconcile.  If you wanted to fix the relationship the onus was on you to try.  You can feel hurt or disappointed that he's moved out & moved on but you are wrong to have expected that he knew you still liked him & had these secret expectations that you two would get back together.  A solid relationship includes open honest communication; you failed to give him that.  You betrayed yourself by not taking it seriously & failing to take the initiative.  Lesson learned but now you have  to let him go.  

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, zoe545 said:

My son's father and I ended our relationship over two years ago. We were never married but lived together. He ended our relationship, and for financial reasons and for the well-being of our 8-year-old son, I asked him to stay in the house. He agreed but moved to another room. He told me he didn't want to be with me anymore and that we wouldn't get back together. I didn't take it seriously, and we drifted apart completely. Nothing happened between us since then, but I must admit I was certain he would come back to me. I was waiting for him to take the initiative, but he never did, and so much time passed. A couple of months ago, he informed me he was moving out, and after a few weeks, he left the house. I suspected it was because of another woman, and yesterday he confirmed it. I feel very betrayed, and I'm not sure if it's okay to feel this way. I feel like he had no right to leave out of nowhere and especially for someone else, when it was obvious I still had feelings for him, and that's why I distanced myself. He says I never told him how I felt and that I just ignored him, so he couldn't assume I still felt something, but it was obvious. Why do I feel this way? Am I overreacting? Is he in the wrong?

No, this doesn’t count as cheating. He had no more obligations towards you after he’d made it clear that your relationship was over.

I understand how you feel, I’ve been in a similar situation. A couple of years ago, my then-girlfriend broke up with me, but we continued to live in the same apartment for 3 more months. Then she “suddenly” moved out. I was sure we’d work things out and she’d come back to me. Yet she made it clear that it was over.

It’s just hard to accept. Hang in there, you’ll feel better eventually, but don’t hope for your ex to come back anymore.

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, zoe545 said:

He told me he didn't want to be with me anymore and that we wouldn't get back together. I didn't take it seriously

I don’t know why you are surprised that he found another woman and moved out - he told you that he didn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore and he didn’t want to get back together. 

You chose to believe that he didn’t mean what he said - that he would come back to you. Obviously, that’s not what happened.

So no, he did not cheat. He ended your relationship and now, he has moved on. Time for you to do the same.

[stillafool]

No he wasn't wrong but perfectly within his rights to move on with the other girl.  He broke up with you and never tried to get you back which would have been leading you on.  I agree you'll be okay.

[mark clemson]

It's not cheating to find someone new after you break up with someone, no. This is despite how they may feel about it if they haven't yet "gotten over" the person and/or living arrangements or children.

He made it clear you were no longer in a relationship and indeed appears to have given you ample time to adjust. Maybe if you were married and not yet fully divorced it would be cheating, particularly if divorce proceedings hadn't even been started. However, some jurisdictions make you wait a ridiculously (IMO) long time before allowing a divorce, so even sometimes then it could be considered a judgement call in some cases. (I.e., technically they cheated because you're still married, but "ethically" they didn't because they've made their intent to exit the marriage clear and are just waiting out a required period of time.)

Edited March 14 by mark clemson

[Harry]

He wasn’t sleeping with you for months.  He was only staying with you because it was easier than moving. Paying rent ect,  you knew this was going to happen,  pleople just don’t live by themselves. 

[Will am I]

I believe this is a situation of “delayed mourning”. The relationship has been over for a long time, but while the ex partner was in the house, OP kept her hopes up for a reconciliation. Him leaving the house makes the reality materialize and sets off the grieve.

 

[Harry]

He told you it’s was over.  What did you think was going to happen ? Being room mates for the rest of your life’s. ?  

[Lotsgoingon]

On 3/13/2024 at 10:23 PM, zoe545 said:

 I was waiting for him to take the initiative, but he never did, and so much time passed.

You're playing some kind of outdated, outmoded, passive "I want HIM to take the initiative" game that is long expired. You gotta tell people what you want. It's as simple as that. It's not his job to read your mind. 

[Lecocole]

I'm facing a moral dilemma. My ex was a guy who, when I met him, still lived with the mother of his child (they were not married). They had been broken up for 3 years and lived together to take care of their son, their house was huge so each one had their space and barely saw each other. I got solid proof that he was telling me the truth. I never got to talk directly to her because she wasn't interested, but I had text messages, voice recorsings ans I listened to one of their conversations (I know it's wrong, but once I secretly listened to one of their conversations where she confirmed that they had been broken off for three years and nothing had happened between them in that period of time. My ex never led her on and was clear from the beginning that they were not getting back together.). That's how I confirmed that they were over and nothing had happened between them in those three years. He provided the proof I needed to consider dating him; that was one of my conditions. The other was that he moved out, which he did a couple of weeks later. Everything was okay until she started acting weird with him shortly after the move, fighting him over money and other random stuff. I got suspicious, so they talked again and she told him that she still had feelings for him. After that, I started questioning everything, and we eventually broke up because I didn't feel comfortable with the whole situation. When we started going out, he assured me that his ex was over him and that I didn't need to worry about that. To be fair, I don’t think he lied to me. That’s what he thought because during their time living together while separated, she never said anything or tried fixing their relationship, and he was clear with her that they were over for good. Now I feel conflicted with myself. I feel awful, to be honest. I know it was a weird position to put myself in in the first place, because who would date someone who lives with their ex right? But it's not that strange to me because my parents have lived like that for more than 13 years already, so I guess I kinda normalized it and thought that it was possible for an ex-couple to live like that with no feelings involved. Apparently, this wasn't the case so I felt guilty. I think it was wrong not to talk to her directly (she knew about me but we never spoke to each other) but I just didn’t really see the point. I got proof that they were over and they didn’t get along; she didn’t want to know anything about his life and barely agreed to a couple of conversations face to face with him. Do I have to feel guilty? Am I a homewrecker?

[stillafool]

For me, if a man lived with his ex and said they were together platonically for their child, no problem; but I would have to be invited by him to their home to put my mind at rest.  If that didn't happen or he didn't allow me, I wouldn't have anything more to do with him.   Were you ever invited to his home?

[basil67]

Certainly it was a learning experience for you, but what purpose would feeling guilty serve?   Serious question.   After all, it's his responsibility to manage his own house, not yours.   

[BaileyB]

If what he said is true, I would not say that you are a homewrecker. I’m just not sure that I would believe what he says…

Personally, I wouldn’t date a man who lived with his ex and his child. It’s just too messy,  it’s not something I would ever consider doing.

[glows]

Fighting about money isn’t a random issue. That’s some major issues in their coparenting and separation process. He’s not ready to date if he’s still arguing with an ex about these things. 

How did you learn that she still has feelings for him? Did this guy lack the sense enough to repeat that to you word for word what his ex said? If that’s the case he’s completely out of his mind and oversharing. For one it’s none of your concern what his ex feels and this is something he needs to set boundaries on during coparenting. It’s a red flag flying high that he can’t handle this on his own or feels the need to unload that on you. 

For these reasons I’d decide to end it due to the timing and inappropriate conversations /unresolved issues. Homewrecker or not his boundaries need work and so do yours. It’s not your job to keep asking for proof they’re over. That makes for such a stressful dating experience. 

[Lecocole]

47 minutes ago, glows said:

Fighting about money isn’t a random issue. That’s some major issues in their coparenting and separation process. He’s not ready to date if he’s still arguing with an ex about these things. 

How did you learn that she still has feelings for him? Did this guy lack the sense enough to repeat that to you word for word what his ex said? If that’s the case he’s completely out of his mind and oversharing. For one it’s none of your concern what his ex feels and this is something he needs to set boundaries on during coparenting. It’s a red flag flying high that he can’t handle this on his own or feels the need to unload that on you. 

For these reasons I’d decide to end it due to the timing and inappropriate conversations /unresolved issues. Homewrecker or not his boundaries need work and so do yours. It’s not your job to keep asking for proof they’re over. That makes for such a stressful dating experience. 

I learned that she had feelings for him because I heard it myself. A couple of times, I spied on their conversations. I know it's toxic and wrong, but it happened due to my anxiety. He would talk to her with me being on the phone, and I would listen to everything they said. In that conversation, she told him that despite them being separated for 3 years and nothing happening between them, she still had feelings for him. That's how I know directly from her that he told me the truth; he never led her on, and when he broke it off, he was clear that they'll never get back together. He wanted to leave at that time, but she asked him to stay and help her raise their kid. They agreed to only co-parent, and they respected that agreement. Neither of them said anything about getting back together in those 3 years; that's why my ex was so surprised by her sudden confession.

[Gebidozo]

You weren’t a homewrecker. That home had been wrecked long before you appeared.

That said, a lot of people cling to hope when they’re still living together with an estranged partner. They’d be ok with not having a romantic relationship, but still having a common household and seeing each other regularly. That gives them an illusion that things still could be fixed. So when the other person is involved in a relationship or moves out, they are often shocked by that.

I don’t think it’s healthy to continue living with someone you are no longer in a relationship with. 

 

[BaileyB]

26 minutes ago, Lecocole said:

I learned that she had feelings for him because I heard it myself. A couple of times, I spied on their conversations.

Kindly, if you are feeling anxiety such that you need to listen in on his private conversation with his ex, the mother of his child, that is a sure sign that this is an unhealthy situation for you. 

You say it’s toxic and wrong, I say that there is a lack of healthy boundaries here. 
 

1 hour ago, glows said:

He’s not ready to date if he’s still arguing with an ex about these things. 

This is very true. There is a reason why recently separated men, or men who are separated but not divorced, or still living with their ex’s and coparenting do not make good boyfriends - they are usually not in a position to start a new relationship having not settled things with their ex-partner. In this case, you likely thought enough time had passed… and you convinced yourself that they had no intention to rekindle the relationship/were staying together for practical purposes… and that may be true. But, it may also not be true and that is causing you significant anxiety. This is not a healthy situation for you. The timing is just not right.

It’s likely not what you want to hear but the best advice anyone could give - walk away and tell him to look you up when he has moved out and established himself independent from his ex, things are settled with their custody agreement, and he is ready to date. He has some work to do and he deserves the time/space to find his way without leaning on you (because that is not a healthy place for you to be). And you will know that when/if he comes back to you, he will be a better partner for you and the relationship will be a much healthier relationship for you both. 

Good luck.

Edited April 23 by BaileyB

[Lecocole]

17 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Kindly, if you are feeling anxiety such that you need to listen in on his private conversation with his ex, the mother of his child, that is a sure sign that this is an unhealthy situation for you. 

You say it’s toxic and wrong, I say that there is a lack of healthy boundaries here. 
 

This is very true. There is a reason why recently separated men, or men who are separated but not divorced, or still living with their ex’s and coparenting do not make good boyfriends - they are usually not in a position to start a new relationship having not settled things with their ex-partner. In this case, you likely thought enough time had passed… and you convinced yourself that they had no intention to rekindle the relationship/were staying together for practical purposes… and that may be true. But, it may also not be true and that is causing you significant anxiety. This is not a healthy situation for you. The timing is just not right.

It’s likely not what you want to hear but the best advice anyone could give - walk away and tell him to look you up when he has moved out and established himself independent from his ex, things are settled with their custody agreement, and he is ready to date. He has some work to do and he deserves the time/space to find his way without leaning on you (because that is not a healthy place for you to be). And you will know that when/if he comes back to you, he will be a better partner for you and the relationship will be a much healthier relationship for you both. 

Good luck.

You're right, I broke up with him a couple of months ago because it was unhealthy, and I didn't like the feeling of indirectly hurting another woman. I know it wasn't my intention and they were broken up, but I still felt guilty knowing she still had feelings for him. That's what I'm struggling with at the moment; sometimes our actions bring consequences that we don't intend to, and that's why I was wondering if I had been a homewrecker or not. I have no intentions of going back to him and no intentions of dating a man with kids ever again; it's not worth it for me.

[glows]

53 minutes ago, Lecocole said:

I learned that she had feelings for him because I heard it myself. A couple of times, I spied on their conversations. I know it's toxic and wrong, but it happened due to my anxiety. He would talk to her with me being on the phone, and I would listen to everything they said. In that conversation, she told him that despite them being separated for 3 years and nothing happening between them, she still had feelings for him. That's how I know directly from her that he told me the truth; he never led her on, and when he broke it off, he was clear that they'll never get back together. He wanted to leave at that time, but she asked him to stay and help her raise their kid. They agreed to only co-parent, and they respected that agreement. Neither of them said anything about getting back together in those 3 years; that's why my ex was so surprised by her sudden confession.

He shouldn’t be enabling your issues with trust and anxiety or letting you listen in. The problem starts with you not respecting their coparenting relationship. As soon as you feel that way address that this isn’t a good situation for you. You obviously had very good reason to suspect the situation and that they have unresolved issues and feelings. It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t have feelings and she does or vice versa - she doesn’t or he does. If one of them isn’t sure about the break up and you felt uneasy in future, take a step back and exit the situation. No more spying, no more need for proof. 

If you feel like a homewrecker that is valid. Stop fighting it. You made a reckless and poor decision dating someone who was living with his ex and then asking him to move. That’s now your guilty conscience and maybe not quite knowing whether he did it for you or whether he still intended to stay and raise his kid with her. No one knows the truth of whether you wrecked their home. But you certainly are the reason he moved out because you asked him to and if the agreement was for him to stay and raise their child then yes, you have a degree of responsibility in that. This is a lesson learned only - where it concerns marriages and relationships with exes. Be with someone who has their sh-t together and is further along rebuilding their life or more mentally and emotionally ready. He’s not ready. 

Edited April 23 by glows

[BaileyB]

Deleted. apologies.

Edited April 23 by BaileyB

[MsJayne]

No, you're not a homewrecker, they were already separated. Most people would feel suspicious and cautious about the situation, but needing to listen in on a private 'phone conversation to be reassured is your Red Flag Radar going off. You already know you wouldn't need to do that if you were comfortable with the dynamics of his relationship with his ex. I'd be more concerned about his lack of integrity, letting you listen in on what should be a private conversation is mega disrespectful to his ex. I'd also be suspicious that him continuing to live as a family unit was more indicative of his preference for personal convenience than a burning desire to fulfill parental responsibility. Remember you've never heard his ex' side of the story. Even if everything he says is true, I'd still tread carefully as there's a child involved and a bitter ex, even from a distance, can put a lot of stress on a new relationship. I wouldn't be moving in together in a hurry, or making any big plans for a future together until the dust's settled and he's properly single. No one who lives with an ex is really single, there's always stuff going on, whether physical or emotional, from at least one side.