Author Alpacalia Posted June 28 Author Share Posted June 28 (edited) On 6/19/2024 at 3:13 PM, FMW said: It's unfortunate, but some people are not able to just spend time together with the opposite sex as just friends. I invited him over. I made a nice meal. But when we were sitting on the couch, he tried to hold my hand and I pretended not to notice. After a few minutes of awkward silence, he finally spoke up. "You're shy, I get it?" he asked, reaching to take my hand again. "I'm sorry," I said, quickly pulling my hand away. "I just don't have those types of feelings for you." I've mentioned that I don't feel romantic since I started this story, so I'm unsure why he thought it was appropriate to try and hold my hand. Anyway, he left and we've been cordial but I think it's best if I don't invite him over again. I was just trying to be a good friend and have a nice time. And maybe that's the problem. Maybe I should just stick to hanging out in group settings and stop trying to connect with people on a one-on-one level, even though my family was at my house. I always seem to mess it up somehow. Edited June 28 by Alpacalia Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted June 28 Share Posted June 28 13 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: I invited him over. I made a nice meal. But when we were sitting on the couch, he tried to hold my hand and I pretended not to notice. After a few minutes of awkward silence, he finally spoke up. "You're shy, I get it?" he asked, reaching to take my hand again. "I'm sorry," I said, quickly pulling my hand away. "I just don't have those types of feelings for you." I've mentioned that I don't feel romantic since I started this story, so I'm unsure why he thought it was appropriate to try and hold my hand. Anyway, he left and we've been cordial but I think it's best if I don't invite him over again. I was just trying to be a good friend and have a nice time. And maybe that's the problem. Maybe I should just stick to hanging out in group settings and stop trying to connect with people on a one-on-one level, even though my family was at my house. I always seem to mess it up somehow. Maybe, he will ask you out on a proper date (not at your house) and things will be much better. Hopefully, there will be less awkwardness and something wonderful will eventually arise for you two. 🥰 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alpacalia Posted June 28 Author Share Posted June 28 2 minutes ago, happyhorizons said: Maybe, he will ask you out on a proper date (not at your house) and things will be much better. Hopefully, there will be less awkwardness and something wonderful will eventually arise for you two. 🥰 He asked me out on a proper date a couple years ago. Afterwards I said no romantic connection from my end. We met for dinner another time when he asked me to hang out. We've also done group activities. I thought, since we had a conversation a while back, that this is not romantic, that we were on the same page. I do value you him as a person and a friend. So I think it's best if I just keep our interactions to a group setting and avoid any one-on-one situations. Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted June 28 Share Posted June 28 6 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: He asked me out on a proper date a couple years ago. Afterwards I said no romantic connection from my end. We met for dinner another time when he asked me to hang out. We've also done group activities. I thought, since we had a conversation a while back, that this is not romantic, that we were on the same page. I do value you him as a person and a friend. So I think it's best if I just keep our interactions to a group setting and avoid any one-on-one situations. Hopefully, the dynamic will change and romantic feelings with take hold. ❤️ Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted June 29 Share Posted June 29 On 6/28/2024 at 2:56 PM, Alpacalia said: I do value you him as a person and a friend. I wonder does a person reach a point where they accept they are not going to find their soulmate and accept a life of singlehood, not implying this applies to your good self or anything!- more of a general thing -perhaps having some form of friendship with you will be something for this guy to hold into Perhaps it is good to have at least friendships to learn to live with this scenario. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 29 Share Posted June 29 Ah, I'm sorry. It sounds like he's being trying to escape from the 'friendzone' for all this time. My best advice is to avoid offering friendship to someone who wants more. It can only work if both you don't have romantic attraction to the other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alpacalia Posted June 30 Author Share Posted June 30 1 hour ago, Foxhall said: I wonder does a person reach a point where they accept they are not going to find their soulmate and accept a life of singlehood, not implying this applies to your good self or anything!- more of a general thing -perhaps having some form of friendship with you will be something for this guy to hold into Perhaps it is good to have at least friendships to learn to live with this scenario. I don't think so. I don't sit there and say, "I am never going to find my person" and I forget about it. 35 minutes ago, basil67 said: Ah, I'm sorry. It sounds like he's being trying to escape from the 'friendzone' for all this time. My best advice is to avoid offering friendship to someone who wants more. It can only work if both you don't have romantic attraction to the other. Yeah. I thought that those romantic feelings would subside by now, given we went on a date over two years ago, both had romantic relationships since, and spending time together here and there with no romance between us that it wasn't really a thing anymore (us dating). We had a conversation a couple of months ago that I view this is just friendship and he said he was fine with that and still wanted to be friends. But after his move to hold my hand, it resurfaced. I suppose you're right and we aren't ever going to be friends, not really. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 30 Share Posted June 30 Just now, Alpacalia said: I suppose you're right and we aren't ever going to be friends, not really. Yeah, it's tough. So sorry you'll lose your friend To be honest, as much as I enjoy male company I gave up on having male friends long ago because it always got complicated. So much easier if I just stick to having female friends 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alpacalia Posted June 30 Author Share Posted June 30 1 minute ago, basil67 said: Yeah, it's tough. So sorry you'll lose your friend To be honest, as much as I enjoy male company I gave up on having male friends long ago because it always got complicated. So much easier if I just stick to having female friends I have a long term male friend from childhood. He never crossed any proverbial lines, I was kind of hoping for the same here, but I guess it's a bit of a different dynamic altogether. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted June 30 Share Posted June 30 (edited) 18 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: I don't think so. I don't sit there and say, "I am never going to find my person" and I forget about it. Yeah. I thought that those romantic feelings would subside by now, given we went on a date over two years ago, both had romantic relationships since, and spending time together here and there with no romance between us that it wasn't really a thing anymore (us dating). We had a conversation a couple of months ago that I view this is just friendship and he said he was fine with that and still wanted to be friends. But after his move to hold my hand, it resurfaced. I suppose you're right and we aren't ever going to be friends, not really. You cannot blame the guy for at least TRYING TO SHOOT HIS SHOT. I respect his attempt albeit an unsuccessful one. He knows greatness when he sees it...............and thank goodness he did not attempt to cuddle. Edited June 30 by happyhorizons 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alpacalia Posted June 30 Author Share Posted June 30 2 minutes ago, happyhorizons said: and thank goodness he did not attempt to cuddle. 😂 Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted June 30 Share Posted June 30 10 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: 😂 Rest assured IT DID CROSS HIS MIND (cuddling that is)...........😘 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alpacalia Posted July 3 Author Share Posted July 3 Alright guys.. Confession time. He planted a kiss on me. I was totally surprised but it all happened so quickly that I didn't even have the chance to respond. I don't think anything is weird between us now, but I feel a little awkward and confused. I mean, we've been just friends until now and I wasn't expecting things to escalate like this. We were hanging out, watching sitcoms together and suddenly he just leaned in and kissed me. At first, I froze and wasn't sure how to react. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted July 3 Share Posted July 3 3 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: Alright guys.. Confession time. He planted a kiss on me. I was totally surprised but it all happened so quickly that I didn't even have the chance to respond. I don't think anything is weird between us now, but I feel a little awkward and confused. I mean, we've been just friends until now and I wasn't expecting things to escalate like this. We were hanging out, watching sitcoms together and suddenly he just leaned in and kissed me. At first, I froze and wasn't sure how to react. And the plot thickens……🤔🤔🤔 Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted July 3 Share Posted July 3 On 6/29/2024 at 7:54 PM, happyhorizons said: Rest assured IT DID CROSS HIS MIND (cuddling that is)...........😘 See and there will be more….Love Connection Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alpacalia Posted July 3 Author Share Posted July 3 No...I've said numerous times to him that we were just friends and I wasn't looking for any romantic relationship. Maybe he just got caught up in the moment, but I didn't appreciate him making a move without even talking about it beforehand. It's put me in a weird position because I care about him as a friend, but I don't reciprocate his feelings in that way. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 3 Share Posted July 3 (edited) 27 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: No...I've said numerous times to him that we were just friends and I wasn't looking for any romantic relationship. Maybe he just got caught up in the moment, but I didn't appreciate him making a move without even talking about it beforehand. It's put me in a weird position because I care about him as a friend, but I don't reciprocate his feelings in that way. Now that you know how he really feels, you know you can't keep being his friend? This was never a friendship to him - it was a way to get closer to you and hopefully have you change your mind. Typical move from a guy in the friendzone I'm sorry it worked out this way Edited July 3 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alpacalia Posted July 3 Author Share Posted July 3 (edited) 9 hours ago, basil67 said: Now that you know how he really feels, you know you can't keep being his friend? This was never a friendship to him - it was a way to get closer to you and hopefully have you change your mind. Typical move from a guy in the friendzone I'm sorry it worked out this way Thank you. So I am not quite sure what the best approach is here. I had a long term male friend tell me he had feelings for me but he never crossed lines like that. Did he just assume that because we were hanging out and having a good time that I reciprocated his feelings? Even after we explicitly spoke about our relationship not being romantic? I prefer things not to be awkward between us, but at the same time I don't want to give him false hope that I'll change my mind. I thought we had a clear understanding that we were just friends. How do you navigate this exactly. Should I just ignore when he reaches out? I would hate to do that because I do value our friendship, but at the same time, I don't want to put myself in a situation like that again. Edited July 3 by Alpacalia Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 3 Share Posted July 3 5 hours ago, Alpacalia said: I prefer things not to be awkward between us, but at the same time I don't want to give him false hope that I'll change my mind. I thought we had a clear understanding that we were just friends. How do you navigate this exactly. Some folks are good at disregarding what's been stated due to to "wishful thinking." He also may be hoping to "win you over" slowly over time. I think you'll need to VERY clearly and repeatedly spell out that you're not interested and friendship is all and only what this will be if you want to continue hanging out with him. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alpacalia Posted July 3 Author Share Posted July 3 2 hours ago, mark clemson said: Some folks are good at disregarding what's been stated due to to "wishful thinking." He also may be hoping to "win you over" slowly over time. I think you'll need to VERY clearly and repeatedly spell out that you're not interested and friendship is all and only what this will be if you want to continue hanging out with him. I get that but I also feel that him planting a kiss on me after we explicitly agreed friendship that that is a blatant disregard for what I said. I couldn't have been more clear with him. In any event, I am going to put distance between us and remove myself from the situation. And not spend any time together in person. I don't know how else to go about it. When a long term friend said he had feelings for me, same, we didn't talk for several years and now he has a girlfriend and I couldn't be happier for him. I hope he can also find happiness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 3 Share Posted July 3 (edited) 9 hours ago, Alpacalia said: Thank you. So I am not quite sure what the best approach is here. I had a long term male friend tell me he had feelings for me but he never crossed lines like that. Did he just assume that because we were hanging out and having a good time that I reciprocated his feelings? Even after we explicitly spoke about our relationship not being romantic? I prefer things not to be awkward between us, but at the same time I don't want to give him false hope that I'll change my mind. I thought we had a clear understanding that we were just friends. How do you navigate this exactly. Should I just ignore when he reaches out? I would hate to do that because I do value our friendship, but at the same time, I don't want to put myself in a situation like that again. Can I turn this around? It's good that you've communicated how you want the friendship to be, but this isn't going to change his feelings. He's not the platonic friend which you though he was - rather, he's a frustrated guy in the friendzone who's been hoping you'd change your mind. I appreciate that you value the friendship with him, but he doesn't value it in the same way you do. He wants more. Kindly, I think that keeping him around as a friend when you know he wants more is selfish. It would be tough to let him go, but keep reminding yourself that this isn't the friendship you thought it was. Time to start nurturing your female friendships Edited July 3 by basil67 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alpacalia Posted July 3 Author Share Posted July 3 43 minutes ago, basil67 said: Can I turn this around? It's good that you've communicated how you want the friendship to be, but this isn't going to change his feelings. He's not the platonic friend which you though he was - rather, he's a frustrated guy in the friendzone who's been hoping you'd change your mind. I appreciate that you value the friendship with him, but he doesn't value it in the same way you do. He wants more. Kindly, I think that keeping him around as a friend when you know he wants more is selfish. It would be tough to let him go, but keep reminding yourself that this isn't the friendship you thought it was. Time to start nurturing your female friendships I agree. That's why I said earlier that I am going to put distance between us and remove myself from the situation. And not spend any time together in person. I think that is the best way to turn things around and move forward. Yes, I have female friendships, just spent time with my female bestie of many years . And it's time I start nurturing some new friendships. Thank you for your advice, it's really helpful and appreciated! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted July 5 Share Posted July 5 On 7/3/2024 at 5:28 PM, Alpacalia said: I agree. That's why I said earlier that I am going to put distance between us and remove myself from the situation. And not spend any time together in person. I think that is the best way to turn things around and move forward. Yes, I have female friendships, just spent time with my female bestie of many years . And it's time I start nurturing some new friendships. Thank you for your advice, it's really helpful and appreciated! Maybe, a very candid conversation Stressing that zero romantic feelings exist is in order (in hopes of preserving the friendship). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alpacalia Posted July 5 Author Share Posted July 5 19 minutes ago, happyhorizons said: Maybe, a very candid conversation Stressing that zero romantic feelings exist is in order (in hopes of preserving the friendship). I would love that but I wouldn't feel comfortable spending time and interacting after him saying he was fine with friends and then what happened. Distance is best at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted July 6 Share Posted July 6 On 7/5/2024 at 11:01 AM, Alpacalia said: I would love that but I wouldn't feel comfortable spending time and interacting after him saying he was fine with friends and then what happened. Distance is best at this point. Maybe, this is a conversation that is better had over the phone. He obviously desires something infinitely more personal than simply being friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts