My boyfriends (35M) texting behaviors is making me (32F) feel resentful

[hurricane444]

I am trying to figure out how to go on about this. In theory it is no big deal but I can’t help being triggered and feeling resentful with him because of it. We are both in our 30s, and have been together 1 year.

What happens is that often my boyfriend might not answer a text until the next day. I don’t need constant replies and am fine if hours go by, but when by the end of the night I realize he has not replied to me or when I wake up the next morning without a late night text, I start to feel the anger build up inside me. I have reflected on it, and what I feel is: I feel ignored . Even if the text was not “important” then I can’t understand how he couldn’t take the 1 minute to reply just before sleeping. I never send huge texts, the one last night was simply a question about something he told me he was doing and a statement that I got a result from something I applied to.

We have talked about this once, and he said that sometimes he is so tired that he just falls asleep without thinking about it. He works as a freelancer and often gets totally immersed in his work until late at night and forgets other things. But even after hearing his thoughts I still feel resentment whenever it happens, and I can’t help feeling that when I then do get his response the day after, I want to not reply to his text, like a sort of revenge mechanism. I also don’t want to force him to do something, but it saddens me that he doesn’t have the desire to give me his last minute before he falls asleep. Any thoughts on how to go on about this?

[hurricane444]

I am trying to figure out how to go on about this. In theory it is no big deal but I can’t help being triggered and feeling resentful with him because of it. We are both in our 30s, and have been together 1 year. It is a very loving and serious relationship.

What happens is that often my boyfriend might not answer a text until the next day. I don’t need constant replies and am fine if hours go by, but when by the end of the night I realize he has not replied to me or when I wake up the next morning without a late night text, I start to feel the anger build up inside me. I have reflected on it, and what I feel is: I feel ignored . Even if the text was not “important” then I can’t understand how he couldn’t take the 1 minute to reply just before sleeping. I never send huge texts, the one last night was simply a question about something he told me he was doing and a statement that I got a result from something I applied to.

We have talked about this once, and he said that sometimes he is so tired that he just falls asleep without thinking about it. He works as a freelancer and often gets totally immersed in his work until late at night and forgets other things. But even after hearing his thoughts I still feel resentment whenever it happens, and I can’t help feeling that when I then do get his response the day after, I want to not reply to his text, like a sort of revenge mechanism. I also don’t want to force him to do something, but it saddens me that he doesn’t have the desire to give me his last minute before he falls asleep. Any thoughts on how to go on about this?

[Gaeta]

I have a couple of questions

1. Was he always like that with his text communication?

2. How often do you spend time together?

[stillafool]

It doesn't sound like he's as attached to you as you are to him.  You're right, it only takes a minute to send a text.  He's not interested.

[glows]

The honeymoon period is wearing off most likely. That’s sad he won’t Gnight text but not everyone does. He’s showing you it’s not important to him and told you also verbally that it’s not important to him in one conversation. If it is important to you, maybe now’s the time to think things through. 

How often do you see each other in person and aside from this, where do you see this rl going?

[ShyViolet]

I'm wondering how often you actually see each other in person, what vibe do you get from him when you are with him in person, is he really engaged with you or is he kind of low interest?  Does he make an effort to see you in person or make plans with you?

[d0nnivain]

He's not a texter.  Stop thinking that texting has any bearing on your relationship.  Unless it's a true emergency assume you will not get a timely reply.  

[basil67]

I think you need to look at the relationship as a whole.  If he's generally a thoughtful and caring guy, and the relationship is meeting most of your needs, you may be best to let this one go.  But if him not texting back is just one of a heap of issues, then it would be wise to look into it further.  

Can you tell us more about the bigger picture?

[Gebidozo]

People have very different texting habits.

Also, people aren’t machines. I text very frequently, yet a few times I was so busy or tired that I simply forgot to send a text and only remembered that the next day.

Frequency of texting is just one of the many aspects of a relationship. Is your BF caring and attentive in other aspects? If so, I suggest not to make a big deal out of his infrequent texting.

[stillafool]

45 minutes ago, Susie47 said:

I always knew my ex husband was a cheater and a liar but had no concrete evidience to present until Spyworld47 on IG helped me with the access to his phone and I was shocked because of things I saw, I was suspicious when he started spending much time on his phone  . Spyworld47 on IG

Cut it out.  There's no soliciting here.

[Els]

How are things like when you are together in person?

The texting thing is no big deal in and of itself. If you've already been in contact all day, I think it's unreasonable to expect a "good night" text just before bed every single night. I suspect you already know this, so it may be worth investigating WHY you feel triggered by a behaviour that you intellectually know is not an issue. Is it possible that there are other issues in the relationship and this is just the cherry on the top?