I don't know if I want to stay with my boyfriend

[13erc]

I (21, F) have been with my boyfriend ( 24, M) for just over a year and a half. He is lovely and sweet, I love him and he loves me very much. However these past couple of months or so I’ve been having a lot of doubts about whether I want to continue being with him.

He has never been the type of person to really let his hair down and just have fun. He is quite conservative and doesn’t have the same interests as me. As well as this, he is very touchy feely with me and can be quite clingy. Obviously none of this is a bad thing, he is just very different to me.

None of that really bothered me much. However things shifted when I got my hair cut shorter (to my shoulders) a couple of months ago. He was really down about it and said he preferred it long, and revealed that when I told him I was getting it cut he was ‘upset about it for a while’. I was very taken aback by this. He was pretty babyish about it, and mentioned it on multiple occasions how me having shorter hair had gotten him down. I thought that was ridiculous and I was pissed. I’d understand more if I’d shaved my head or got a crazy eccentric hairstyle… but a simple cut to shoulder length!?

This incident has made me notice other things he does that bother me. For example,  he is generally quite obsessive and clingy, and doesn’t like change and will sometimes get pretty stroppy if things aren’t the way he wants it.

We recently got back from a week in Benidorm with two of our best friends (who are also a couple) and I noticed then that even though we were all on holiday together, he was always very keen on having ‘alone time’ with me and got a bit stroppy if I hinted that I wanted to be out doing things with all of us. Also, it was very clear he did not enjoy being in Benidorm and going to the bars etc. He looked pretty miserable most of the time whilst us three were dancing and having fun, to the point where our friends kept asking me if he was okay. I asked him why he came if he didn’t like Benidorm, and he replied it’s because I was going and he wanted to be with me.

Apologies for the long post, I’ve tried to condense it as much as possible! All this is giving me serious doubt. I know it sounds terrible, but the thought of spending the rest of my life with him fills me with dread. I think he is too obsessive and clingy, and takes things too seriously.

I’m keen to hear what others think. Thank you! Xx

[basil67]

Ah, your rose coloured glasses have come off and you're seeing the real him....and the real him isn't someone you see a future with.   If you want permission to end the relationship and move on, you have mine!

You're so young and there will be more boyfriends and much fun with your friends ahead of you.  Go live your life

[Gebidozo]

Your BF is controlling and clingy indeed. That makes you feel deeply uncomfortable, to the point of starting to doubt whether you should stay with him or not. That much can be established as a fact.

Now, there are two possible paths for you:

1) His insecurities outweigh your love to him, you break up with him and find a more confident, more mature man.

2) Your love to him outweighs his insecurities, you stay with him.

Path 1 is a no-brainer, so let’s analyze Path 2.

If you take Path 2, it will itself split into two paths:

1) He doesn’t work on his issues, doesn’t change, you suffer, your love to him will eventually wither and die. This is not a path you’d want to take.

2) He works on his issues, changes, your relationship is restored, you’re both happy.

So, if you decide to stay with him, the real issue is whether he changes or not.

The first questions to ask here is this: does he realize he is being the way he is? Does he feel and express remorse for his controlling behavior? Has he at least promised to work on his issues? 

If he has, and if you really love him, and if you really value the other aspects of your relationship, then you might want to give him a chance. People aren’t static figures, and he is still very young.

[d0nnivain]

At 21 I would not continue to date such a fuddy duddy.  He sounds like he is no fun.  Add clingy to that I would gone in a heartbeat.  That is me, not you.  You have to make this decision based on what is best for you.  

You need to make a pros & cons list.  When you see all the reasons for staying together alongside the reasons for breaking up & you give each it's appropriate weight, you will know what to do next.  Do ask yourself if you want a lifetime of him being stroppy? 

[ShyViolet]

His childish little tantrums would be such a turn-off to me, there is no way I would continue dating this guy.  You are only 21, my goodness.  You are TOO YOUNG to be in a bad relationship with someone you are not happy with.  End this relationship and go out there and live your life.  There are so many other guys out there and you deserve to experience what is out there and find happiness and excitement.  This relationship needs to end and this guy needs to grow up.

I'm 42, one of the biggest regrets in my life is that when I was younger I wasted so much time in relationships that I wasn't happy in, I had boyfriends that I knew weren't right for me but I didn't have the courage to break up with them and I let the relationships drag on just because I didn't think I deserved better.  Of course those relationships fell apart eventually and ended, but if I had the courage to make a decision and take control of my life I could have ended them so much earlier and made better use of my time.  

[ExpatInItaly]

On 4/28/2024 at 2:15 AM, 13erc said:

He was pretty babyish about it, and mentioned it on multiple occasions how me having shorter hair had gotten him down. I thought that was ridiculous

It is ridiculous. 

This guy behaves like a child and frankly, if shorter hair "gets him down", he is not prepared to deal with life. I would not hesitate to end it here. 

 

Edited April 29 by ExpatInItaly