Feel like wife may have cheated.

[Mike1990]

My wife and I have been together 4 years and have gotten along pretty good with very few arguments. We have three children together. The oldest child is my step son and other two are mine. We have started having issues over past year. Pretty much every argument we have ends up being my fault even if it was obviously her that caused it. I’ve always ended up just admitting fault even if I didn’t feel like it was my fault.

the last fight we had was because I had to miss work due to her not coming home one morning and I had no baby sitter. She was suppose to have been off work at 11 and I leave for work at 4am. I woke up and she wasn’t home but her she posted pictures on Snapchat at a bar the time she was suppose to be off. Her excuse was she worked late and had a beer at her lunch break which doesn’t make sense because she can’t drink at her job. This fight ended up being my fault because she said I didn’t trust her and got mad because I questioned her about being at a bar.

 

Then a week ago she said she was going on out with a friend to a bar 20 minutes from house. This bar closes at 1am and she is usually home not long after. I woke up with my 2 year old daughter crying at 3am and noticed she wasn’t home and car wasn’t in driveway. I waited until 530am and texted if she was ok with no response. I was laying in bed wide awake and thought I heard her vehicle. So I called her at 6am and she answered 2nd ring. She said she was sleeping on couch because she came upstairs and didn’t want to wake me up. Which I knew was a lie because I was awake and never heard her come up the steps. 
 

she was sucking up to me a bunch that morning which I thought was weird. I also don’t think she had underwear on when she came on because there wasn’t any in the hamper. I havnt confronted her about lying to me but it’s definitely bugging me. 
 

I been going to counseling because she has convinced me that I needed it and my counselor even seems to think she is a lot of the issue .

 

i literally work and take care of kids. I hardly ever get  time to myself and she is constantly doing what she wants and then acts like I do nothing right and constantly says I don’t love her or want to spend time with her. The only thing is she is one always leaving me with kids on our days off to go do stuff for herself. I don’t care about watching our kids or even giving her time. I just hate being put down and lied too and anytime I question her by the end of the day I feel like piece of s*** and like it’s all my fault

[glows]

If the trust has eroded so badly with suspicions of infidelity you need to ask yourself if there’s anything left to salvage. There are usually two options: 1) salvaging the marriage and working on rebuilding trust or 2) seeking a legal separation and divorce. 

Regardless I think it’s wise to seek legal advice privately so that you’re prepared should you decide to file down the line. Questioning here is not working as if corners her and puts her on the spot, she becomes defensive and is likely hungover or not sure what else considering she’s out most of the night. She’s resentful of you and seems checked out. Even if she isn’t cheating on you she doesn’t want to come home or be with you. She spends her days off elsewhere and not with you or the kids. Can you be honest about any other issues that have come up? Financial strain or family /extended family issues? What does she do for work?

[Mike1990]

2 hours ago, glows said:

If the trust has eroded so badly with suspicions of infidelity you need to ask yourself if there’s anything left to salvage. There are usually two options: 1) salvaging the marriage and working on rebuilding trust or 2) seeking a legal separation and divorce. 

Regardless I think it’s wise to seek legal advice privately so that you’re prepared should you decide to file down the line. Questioning here is not working as if corners her and puts her on the spot, she becomes defensive and is likely hungover or not sure what else considering she’s out most of the night. She’s resentful of you and seems checked out. Even if she isn’t cheating on you she doesn’t want to come home or be with you. She spends her days off elsewhere and not with you or the kids. Can you be honest about any other issues that have come up? Financial strain or family /extended family issues? What does she do for work?

She’s a nurse and I’m Law Enforcement. We are honestly the best we have been financially. We just bought house we wanted and both make good money. Her reason for going out is because kids are stressful, which I understand that. I never get mad at her for going out and even tell her to have a good time. I just don’t like her lying to me and she doesn’t even know most of the time that I know she’s lying. I usually keep it to myself like I’m doing with this last incident. She always saying she never gives me a reason not to trust her but catching her in lies is a good reason in my opinion to have suspicion that something is going on.

 

Plus I heard similar things like this occurred in her past marriage and I heard from good sources of info she was meeting other men at work and other days. So that makes me wonder if she’s not doing same thing to me now

Edited April 28 by Mike1990

[d0nnivain]

Your seems to have a drinking problem.  As law enforcement you know the dangers.  As a medical professional so should she. 

She's not reliable.  You can't count on her.  Line up back up child care for all the time.  This will get worse before it gets better.  

[Alpacalia]

She does something stupid or stays out late or doesn't respond and then when you question her at all she turns it around on you, making you question yourself.

If you don't take a stand for what's right with your children, your wife will have you by the nutcracker (nice way of saying balls). 

You do you- she does her. From what you say, she could give half a crap and maybe left intentionally out of spite.  Good news?  Do you and be a great Dad for your kids.

Don't even discuss her night out with her as she's not really listening just validating her own behavior. You can see her kind of distancing from you and your kids by going out late.

I think she is a couple of tics away from walking out on you anyway- better start to build up the tolerance quickly and the self respect to just deal with it and just be there so that most importantly, your kids have a good dad.

I know when I started staying out late (no children though...) it was because I was checkin' out. I had reached the end with my mate. The clock was ticking for us. I just didn't know how to leave.

Totally different circumstances but that really what it was all about after all was said and done.

She's gone so far as to allow your children to think she isn't fit to care for them  - that's a BIG deal. It screams of irresponsibility and resentment.

[bpb2017]

9 hours ago, Mike1990 said:

My wife and I have been together 4 years and have gotten along pretty good with very few arguments. We have three children together. The oldest child is my step son and other two are mine. We have started having issues over past year. Pretty much every argument we have ends up being my fault even if it was obviously her that caused it. I’ve always ended up just admitting fault even if I didn’t feel like it was my fault.

the last fight we had was because I had to miss work due to her not coming home one morning and I had no baby sitter. She was suppose to have been off work at 11 and I leave for work at 4am. I woke up and she wasn’t home but her she posted pictures on Snapchat at a bar the time she was suppose to be off. Her excuse was she worked late and had a beer at her lunch break which doesn’t make sense because she can’t drink at her job. This fight ended up being my fault because she said I didn’t trust her and got mad because I questioned her about being at a bar.

 

Then a week ago she said she was going on out with a friend to a bar 20 minutes from house. This bar closes at 1am and she is usually home not long after. I woke up with my 2 year old daughter crying at 3am and noticed she wasn’t home and car wasn’t in driveway. I waited until 530am and texted if she was ok with no response. I was laying in bed wide awake and thought I heard her vehicle. So I called her at 6am and she answered 2nd ring. She said she was sleeping on couch because she came upstairs and didn’t want to wake me up. Which I knew was a lie because I was awake and never heard her come up the steps. 
 

she was sucking up to me a bunch that morning which I thought was weird. I also don’t think she had underwear on when she came on because there wasn’t any in the hamper. I havnt confronted her about lying to me but it’s definitely bugging me. 
 

I been going to counseling because she has convinced me that I needed it and my counselor even seems to think she is a lot of the issue .

 

i literally work and take care of kids. I hardly ever get  time to myself and she is constantly doing what she wants and then acts like I do nothing right and constantly says I don’t love her or want to spend time with her. The only thing is she is one always leaving me with kids on our days off to go do stuff for herself. I don’t care about watching our kids or even giving her time. I just hate being put down and lied too and anytime I question her by the end of the day I feel like piece of s*** and like it’s all my fault

yikes.

[Mike1990]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

She does something stupid or stays out late or doesn't respond and then when you question her at all she turns it around on you, making you question yourself.

If you don't take a stand for what's right with your children, your wife will have you by the nutcracker (nice way of saying balls). 

You do you- she does her. From what you say, she could give half a crap and maybe left intentionally out of spite.  Good news?  Do you and be a great Dad for your kids.

Don't even discuss her night out with her as she's not really listening just validating her own behavior. You can see her kind of distancing from you and your kids by going out late.

I think she is a couple of tics away from walking out on you anyway- better start to build up the tolerance quickly and the self respect to just deal with it and just be there so that most importantly, your kids have a good dad.

I know when I started staying out late (no children though...) it was because I was checkin' out. I had reached the end with my mate. The clock was ticking for us. I just didn't know how to leave.

Totally different circumstances but that really what it was all about after all was said and done.

She's gone so far as to allow your children to think she isn't fit to care for them  - that's a BIG deal. It screams of irresponsibility and resentment.

What’s weird is she will come home after being out like that and afterwards  be all over me saying she loves me and everything else. It’s almost like she feels guilty about whatever happened while she was out.

 

and today she was wanting to plan a family cruise in july. I feel like that’s why I’m so back and forth with what to do. If I could get solid evidence she was cheating or whatever, I’d go file divorce and get the process started. I’d really would like things to work out especially for our children and my step son who has already been through one divorce but I also don’t wanna be in a marriage that isn’t even real or always feel like I’m being cheated on

[ExpatInItaly]

16 hours ago, Mike1990 said:

I waited until 530am and texted if she was ok with no response. I was laying in bed wide awake and thought I heard her vehicle. So I called her at 6am and she answered 2nd ring. She said she was sleeping on couch because she came upstairs and didn’t want to wake me up.

I don't get this. 

You called her and she was already in the house? You didnìt hear her come in or hear her phone ring when you called her? 

16 hours ago, Mike1990 said:

I had to miss work due to her not coming home one morning and I had no baby sitter. She was suppose to have been off work at 11 and I leave for work at 4am. I woke up and she wasn’t home

I would be extremely concered about what sort of parent disappears and doesn't come home. What if there had been an emergency with one of the kids at home, and you couldn't get a hold of her? 

Something similar happened with a friend of my ex. Allow me to share rather long story: This friend had come to visit one weekend to hang out with my ex and their friends (in our then-city, a couple hours away from where he was living) The plan was for them to all go out, come back and crash at our place, and then leave the next day after lunch. This was a guys' thing, so I stayed home and woke up when they got home later that night - without the friend. I asked my ex where he was, and he said they lost track of him in the crowd at the club and they couldn't find him, nor was he answering calls or messages. They finally messaged him to say there were heading to our home home and texted him our address again so he could take cab. 

A couple hours later, he still wasn't at our place and he still wasn't answering. Then his wife called my ex, frantically trying to find him- she needed to take their youngest to the hospital because he was having an asthma attack. She was unable to reach her own husband, and we had to tell her we couldn't find him either. She was terribly worried and already at the hospital with their little boy. We said we'd keep trying to reach him. 

This guy finally stumbles up to our door at dawn, many hours later, drunk as a skunk, and his phone was dead. He had some ridiculous cover story about the taxi getting lost and taking him to another part of town (which didn't add up, since it still wouldn't have taken so many hours to correct the route) We told him to charge his phone right away because there was an emergency at home. We gave him my ex's phone to call his wife. She was livid. Fortunately their little boy was okay, but this guy had to stay at our house to sober up before he could drive back. That afternoon after he'd slept it off, he confessed to my ex he'd actually gone home with a woman he'd met at the club.  (This friend and his wife divorced a couple years later, shocker) 

Please, don't turn a blind eye to what is going on here. Your wife is being an inconsiderate partner to you, but she is also neglecting her responsibilities as a parent. This was one of the reasons this friend's marriage fell apart. His wife was upset he'd been with someone else, of course, but she was furious that he also behaved in a such a way that  compromised his role as a father. Your wife's current behaviour is that of someone who is single and doesn't have children. 

 

[Mike1990]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't get this. 

You called her and she was already in the house? You didnìt hear her come in or hear her phone ring when you called her? 

I would be extremely concered about what sort of parent disappears and doesn't come home. What if there had been an emergency with one of the kids at home, and you couldn't get a hold of her? 

Something similar happened with a friend of my ex. Allow me to share rather long story: This friend had come to visit one weekend to hang out with my ex and their friends (in our then-city, a couple hours away from where he was living) The plan was for them to all go out, come back and crash at our place, and then leave the next day after lunch. This was a guys' thing, so I stayed home and woke up when they got home later that night - without the friend. I asked my ex where he was, and he said they lost track of him in the crowd at the club and they couldn't find him, nor was he answering calls or messages. They finally messaged him to say there were heading to our home home and texted him our address again so he could take cab. 

A couple hours later, he still wasn't at our place and he still wasn't answering. Then his wife called my ex, frantically trying to find him- she needed to take their youngest to the hospital because he was having an asthma attack. She was unable to reach her own husband, and we had to tell her we couldn't find him either. She was terribly worried and already at the hospital with their little boy. We said we'd keep trying to reach him. 

This guy finally stumbles up to our door at dawn, many hours later, drunk as a skunk, and his phone was dead. He had some ridiculous cover story about the taxi getting lost and taking him to another part of town (which didn't add up, since it still wouldn't have taken so many hours to correct the route) We told him to charge his phone right away because there was an emergency at home. We gave him my ex's phone to call his wife. She was livid. Fortunately their little boy was okay, but this guy had to stay at our house to sober up before he could drive back. That afternoon after he'd slept it off, he confessed to my ex he'd actually gone home with a woman he'd met at the club.  (This friend and his wife divorced a couple years later, shocker) 

Please, don't turn a blind eye to what is going on here. Your wife is being an inconsiderate partner to you, but she is also neglecting her responsibilities as a parent. This was one of the reasons this friend's marriage fell apart. His wife was upset he'd been with someone else, of course, but she was furious that he also behaved in a such a way that  compromised his role as a father. Your wife's current behaviour is that of someone who is single and doesn't have children. 

 

I texted her at 0530 asking if she was ok and didn’t get a response, so I went back upstairs to our bedroom. I thought I heard her vehicle at 0545 ,so I waited like 15 minutes and then called. She answered on 2nd ring saying she was sleeping on couch and had gotten home awhile ago. She said she came upstairs and seen me asleep and went back stairs to couch because she didn’t want to wake me up. Which I know was a lie because I was awake and she never came upstairs. Her vehicle was also not in driveway when I texted at 0530 asking if she was ok

[d0nnivain]

Whether she's having sex with others is almost a side point.  Fact is, she's not present in your marriage & she's lying about it.  

[ExpatInItaly]

54 minutes ago, Mike1990 said:

Which I know was a lie because I was awake and she never came upstairs. Her vehicle was also not in driveway when I texted at 0530 asking if she was ok

And did you tell her this? 

[Mike1990]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And did you tell her this? 

No, I never confronted her about this. I’ve confronted her before and somehow it always ends up being my fault or I’m over reacting or something like that

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, Mike1990 said:

No, I never confronted her about this. I’ve confronted her before and somehow it always ends up being my fault or I’m over reacting or something like that

You should told her you knew she was lying about it. Who cares what she says in response? You know she's full of crap, and so does she. She can sit with the knowledge that you know she is being dishonest. 

In any case, you have to decide what you want here. Are you hoping to find more evidence of where she's been when she says she is out? Are you planning to talk to her now about your concerns for the state of your marriage? Regardless of where she disappears to, she is neglecting her responsibilities to your marriage and her motherhood. 

[Mike1990]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You should told her you knew she was lying about it. Who cares what she says in response? You know she's full of crap, and so does she. She can sit with the knowledge that you know she is being dishonest. 

In any case, you have to decide what you want here. Are you hoping to find more evidence of where she's been when she says she is out? Are you planning to talk to her now about your concerns for the state of your marriage? Regardless of where she disappears to, she is neglecting her responsibilities to your marriage and her motherhood. 

I’d like to get more evidence of exactly what’s going on. I kinda figure if something is going on that it’s eventually going to come out or if she does this again then I’m going to confront her and just tell her I knew she lied last time also. 

[Els]

Even if it turns out she wasn't sleeping with someone else, does it really matter? At this stage it sounds like there is no love or trust left, and in addition to that she is unreliable, dishonest, and largely absent in your marriage and family. What is the point of carrying on?

[d0nnivain]

35 minutes ago, Mike1990 said:

I’d like to get more evidence of exactly what’s going on. 

Why?  Infidelity doesn't change the metrics around custody or the equitable division of assets. 

Look at this marriage through your law enforcement lens.  On the job you have to put your life in your partners' hands to have your back.   Do you really think your wife has your back? That she will there -- sober -- when the chips are down?  Of course not.  Isn't  that alone enough of a betrayal?  This is not a criminal case; you don't need proof beyond a reasonable doubt, unless you are saying that yes you do.  If that is the case, take some time off & follow her after work.  Use your sleuthing skills.   Then be done.  

[Bryanp]

Her previous stepping out in her last marriage is an extremely bad sign.

It is generally accepted that past behavior is a strong predictor of future behavior.

You need to get your ducks in order and see an attorney. You may wish to

hire a private detective to observe her behavior when she is out at night at the bar.

[mark clemson]

Be aware that hiring a private detective to "tail" a person is illegal in some jurisdictions, so IF you are considering that, be sure to research it first. It probably also wouldn't look good to a divorce court judge (not that staying out all night drinking when you have kids or possibly cheating would either).

It's unfortunately all too common I think for one partner to be "loyally supporting" but that takes so much time away the other feels neglected (genuinely) OR the other in some cases is simply taking advantage and doing their own thing WRT "finding happiness".

It sounds like your wife perhaps hasn't gotten the 20-something party girl behavior out of her system? It's easier said than done, but I'd like to think that if it were me, I'd be "putting my foot down" and forbidding her to do these things. In particular, going out all night on a drinking binge (and perhaps sleeping around to boot) is NOT acceptable behavior for a parent.

Firmly insisting she stop the nonsense might win you some points as many women tend to find men who "show some spine" attractive. It MIGHT also lead to her pulling away further, it's hard to say. Ultimately it's hard to control another person if they really wish to do something, but as we all know keeping our marriage and family together involves compromises on what we might like. While I'm not advising you to divorce, sometimes the choice is between "walk" or "get walked all over" unfortunately. Not sure if that will be the case for you, I certainly hope not.

Edited April 29 by mark clemson

[basil67]

On 4/29/2024 at 12:20 AM, Mike1990 said:

The last fight we had was because I had to miss work due to her not coming home one morning and I had no baby sitter. She was suppose to have been off work at 11 and I leave for work at 4am. I woke up and she wasn’t home but her she posted pictures on Snapchat at a bar the time she was suppose to be off. Her excuse was she worked late and had a beer at her lunch break which doesn’t make sense because she can’t drink at her job. This fight ended up being my fault because she said I didn’t trust her and got mad because I questioned her about being at a bar.

This argument was delivered badly.  The immediate topic was that you had to miss work because she didn't come home to mind the kids.  It wasn't about drinking and it wasn't about trust. It was about her needing to be there for the children so that you can work.  If you want to get your message across, stay on topic.

But yes the bars and the drinking also need to be addressed.  What's going on at the bars?  Is she blowing off steam with colleagues? (are their faces in IG pics)  Is she drinking alone?  How drunk is she when she gets home?  You're questioning whether she's even in a bar because she needs to be sober for work, but I think you also need to allow the idea that she actually was having a sneaky beer or two at lunch and is has bigger problems.  Is she suffering from alcohol addiction and/or mental health and/or needing some kind of emotional escape?  

In a separate conversation when you're not upset, you need to start by asking "Are you OK?"   If she says she's fine, tell her that you're concerned for her and give some examples without using blaming language.  Allow a place for her to be honest without you reacting negatively or arguing back.   Thing is, if you argue back, she will shut down and you'll never get close to finding the cause.

Edited April 29 by basil67

[basil67]

Further, I would argue that if she was cheating, she'd be much more cautious about being caught.   She'd make sure to cover her tracks, be home on time and not lose her knickers so that she would not raise suspicion.   Instead, she can't even get herself home on time.  

As for the allegedly lost knickers, I think it makes far more sense that she's drunk too much, laughed too hard, wet her knickers and ditched them.   If you get talking with women who've delivered vaginally, you'll hear many stories about urinary incontinence.  And nobody wants to wear or carry a pair of wet knickers.  

[S2B]

13 hours ago, Mike1990 said:

I’d like to get more evidence of exactly what’s going on. I kinda figure if something is going on that it’s eventually going to come out or if she does this again then I’m going to confront her and just tell her I knew she lied last time also. 

Ok then - in the meantime do NOT have sex with her! She could be exposing g you to diseases. She’s selfish and self centered!

she doesn’t respect you - that’s a problem - you also need to start talking with her about how her behavior is unacceptable. 

do NOT reward her bad behavior by agreeing to a vacation! And yes, for sure she was acting all nice because she knew she wanted to manipulate you because she’s been doing things she shouldn’t be doing.

tell her to stop going out! She isn’t single anymore - she’s a wife and a mother and she needs to start acting like it!

start calling her out on ALL her bad behavior! Stand up to her! Hold her accountable and tell her to stay home with her family!

if she doesn’t want to - tell her to hit the road! She isn’t a good wife! Not even in the slightest! Get rid of her if she doesn’t completely do better.

have her followed. She could also be doing drugs - along with the cheating.

Edited April 30 by S2B

[RebeccaR]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

Further, I would argue that if she was cheating, she'd be much more cautious about being caught.   She'd make sure to cover her tracks, be home on time and not lose her knickers so that she would not raise suspicion.   Instead, she can't even get herself home on time.  

As for the allegedly lost knickers, I think it makes far more sense that she's drunk too much, laughed too hard, wet her knickers and ditched them.   If you get talking with women who've delivered vaginally, you'll hear many stories about urinary incontinence.  And nobody wants to wear or carry a pair of wet knickers.  

In general I feel sympathy with OP, but if someone was counting the underwear in my laundry hamper, I’d be ready to nope out of the marriage myself. My underwear is my business.

[princessaurora]

I think you should call her out on her bs so you can show her you're not an oblivious fool. Then tell her thank you for the family vacation recommendation that you and the kids will be going on without her.

Plenty of people have stressful lives/ jobs, but that doesn't give them the right to go gallavanting around all night with gosh knows who and where, especially when they have a spouse and children at home. You and your kids deserve  better. Get ready to have  a serious talk with her and talk to an attorney  because things seem to be going in that direction. 

So sorry you're going  through this, OP. 

 

[S2B]

When I had young kids as a married gal - I never would have acted this way.

but then again - I never considered cheating.

her behavior indicates cheating. Act appropriate to that assessment,

tell her straight up she isn’t in the role as a wife and mother - and if that’s what she prioritizes - you can make it easy for her to be single. If she argues - don’t argue back - just state the evidence.

[Oldenuff2know]

At the very least, you need to insist she be home on time from now on to ensure your job is not jeopardized by HER not being there for your children when you have to go to work. That's just unacceptable behavior. I also think it's time to have a serious conversation about the direction of your marriage. Do you guys have date nights? Maybe you should try to start scheduling a weekly or bi-weekly date night with one another. Before throwing in the towel on the chance that she's having an affair, I would work on the marriage with her. I would also insist that she go to marriage counseling WITH you. Maybe together, you can find out why she has seemingly checked out of the marriage and work together to get it back on track. I think you have every right to explore your concerns about her fidelity with your marriage counselor (with her present).