Why would he want to meet as friends and then disappear again?

[PeachPalm1]

 

The guy I was dating always kept me at a distance. But we did have a good connection, lots in common. We were very similar and had similar thoughts and feelings about life andthe world and similar life goals. But he was Taking days to reply, spacing dates apart. Then he said he didn’t feel romantic but wanted to be friends (he isn’t sure if he will stay in uk long term) 

We didn’t speak for 2 months then I got curious about whether he’d got a new job. He replied yes he had and told me he starts his job in 4 weeks, and then asked if I’d like to go get a drink with him. Met for the drink and once again we really get along. We ended up going have a spontaneous night went to a music gig.he was hugging me a lot and he was telling me how good it was to see me.

For the next 3 weeks, he was initiating conversation online sending me lots of memes and recipes etc. sometimes he would take several days to reply to my response. I got used to him messaging me regularly. Then he asked me to go play golf with him

Had a lovely day, got lunch. We were quite playful with each other. I noticed he was subtly touching me quite a lot including on my bum. Confusing.he talked about how he’s having a hard time working out whether he will stay in this country long term or whether he will just go back to a home country other side of the world after a year or two. He’s been here 5 years but said he’s not sure he will stay here forever and he’s starting to feel pressure to go back 

Parted ways, we kept in touch.one night he started texting me, he was showing a lot of interest in my artwork. Asked me to send his pics of my favourite work I’ve done. Sent them and he said ‘I’ll look at your artwork tomorrow! Speak soon :)’

He never replied again. Never reached out to me again. I accidentally called him on the app (genuine accent) and he didn’t pick up or acknowledge it. 

I know he moved to start his new job, or was due to, but he gave me no update 

I don’t know why he would just disappear again and I worry what that means about me. Does it mean he just has no respect for me?

I actually still like him but I didn’t show him this. I’m quite a lonely girl and it was nice to have some company for once 

I don’t understand it , why I’m like nothing to anyone 

[mortensorchid]

I think the other times you got together he was just bored or was looking for something to do.  He's not interested in you for whatever reason just move on. 

[PeachPalm1]

3 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

I think the other times you got together he was just bored or was looking for something to do.  He's not interested in you for whatever reason just move on. 

But why am I only good to be a boredom buster  he’s the only person who actually makes time and effort to come and see me. He travelled 1.5 hours to meet up with me. 

[Alpacalia]

Hey Peachy girl.

He just didn't feel a romantic connection with you. I know that it seems really cold for him to blow you off like he did. You feel hurt and like you did something wrong, but in reality you didn't.  

Maybe, you and he were similar in some ways, but something in your personalities just didn't click and he doesn't have an interest in getting to know you better to find where you 'could' have had potential. Now, in the future, when you do start to like a man again, you can make sure that you don't open up to him all the way until you get to know him better and for longer amount of time.

Yes, you are a bit of a lonely girl, and I think that is what made you vulnerable to his communication.

Don't worry about him, you and him used to get along on the surface but that is it. Eventually, you will be grateful to him that he broke it off when he did. Because, a man who treats you with disrespect is never going to be the "man of your dreams."

I mean, he was patting your rear-end and now he doesn't answer. Geez maybe you can start counting your blessings that he's gone.

A wiser choice is to soften our ties with him. You'll think of him often, with a nostalgic sigh, but smile at the thought of how time flew by.

[PeachPalm1]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Hey Peachy girl.

He just didn't feel a romantic connection with you. I know that it seems really cold for him to blow you off like he did. You feel hurt and like you did something wrong, but in reality you didn't.  

Maybe, you and he were similar in some ways, but something in your personalities just didn't click and he doesn't have an interest in getting to know you better to find where you 'could' have had potential. Now, in the future, when you do start to like a man again, you can make sure that you don't open up to him all the way until you get to know him better and for longer amount of time.

Yes, you are a bit of a lonely girl, and I think that is what made you vulnerable to his communication.

Don't worry about him, you and him used to get along on the surface but that is it. Eventually, you will be grateful to him that he broke it off when he did. Because, a man who treats you with disrespect is never going to be the "man of your dreams."

I mean, he was patting your rear-end and now he doesn't answer. Geez maybe you can start counting your blessings that he's gone.

A wiser choice is to soften our ties with him. You'll think of him often, with a nostalgic sigh, but smile at the thought of how time flew by.

I didn’t open up to him too much. I connected with him. Could the fact that he’s going through contemplation of if he sees himself here long term contribute to him not developing romantic feelings?

its just every man I’ve ever dated has not felt a romantic connection with me whether that’s starting off as friends, to men I’ve men on online dating. Honestly, this was the first time in my life I felt a mutual click. He even told me. But he did keep me at a distance. He kept dates really short and never really wanted to spend much time with me from the start 

then he came back to be friends, telling me how good company I am. But I can’t help wonder why I am so unlovable. I’m a confident and attractive woman but men don’t pursue me. The ones that do like me are extremely insecure and act in erratic ways which makes me feel uneasy 

I had an ex boyfriend 2 years ago who said he never loved me. He was using me  so I thought something was wrong and then I met this guy and similar thing happens. I’m wondering what’s wrong with me.

I’ve always had high self esteem, I’m confident but after this I just feel confused about my worth. Maybe I’m not relationship material 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

12 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Could the fact that he’s going through contemplation of if he sees himself here long term contribute to him not developing romantic feelings?

There's no way we can know, but it also isn't really important either. 

He has apparently decided to let this all go, and he's moved on in another direction. Why this happened doesn't change anything for you, since the result (as far as you and he are concerned) is the same: this isn't a viable match. 

Don't turn this into a measuring stick of your self-worth or lovability. 

[PeachPalm1]

12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

There's no way we can know, but it also isn't really important either. 

He has apparently decided to let this all go, and he's moved on in another direction. Why this happened doesn't change anything for you, since the result (as far as you and he are concerned) is the same: this isn't a viable match. 

Don't turn this into a measuring stick of your self-worth or lovability. 

It feels so personal to me. Every single dating scenario in my 20s has ended with the man saying he has no romantic feelings. I don’t get it. I don’t know what I do wrong. They tell me it’s nothing I do wrong but all to do with them but it’s happened like 10 times now. Love feels like this impossible thing I’ll never get to experience 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

It feels so personal to me. Every single dating scenario in my 20s has ended with the man saying he has no romantic feelings. I don’t get it. I don’t know what I do wrong. They tell me it’s nothing I do wrong but all to do with them but it’s happened like 10 times now. Love feels like this impossible thing I’ll never get to experience 

People either develop feelings for others or they don't... Yes, sometimes men just don't feel enough connection to make the jump to romance. 

I would suggest that you need to close this door completely and simply focus on YOU and getting to know yourself better.

There's a good chance you're looking at this in the wrong way. Something deeper here is causing you to contract instead of expand and feel good.

You're smart and a good person -- but it's time for a hard look. Look at your own motivations for things.  Reflect on what you mean, truly, from your heart.

What do you want in a man? What do you expect from a man?

Answers these questions quietly, and in private -- taking the time to be honest and truthful with yourself, WITHOUT expecting anything from anyone.

Yes... You are/will be a really great relationship material--bigger picture stuff. Remember. You just forgot it in the emotion of this needing and desire... and you know it.

You'll get through this PeachPalm cause you got the feel and heart.

Here's a quick tip: put these luke warm men back on the shelf at the store where you found them.

[PeachPalm1]

30 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

People either develop feelings for others or they don't... Yes, sometimes men just don't feel enough connection to make the jump to romance. 

I would suggest that you need to close this door completely and simply focus on YOU and getting to know yourself better.

There's a good chance you're looking at this in the wrong way. Something deeper here is causing you to contract instead of expand and feel good.

You're smart and a good person -- but it's time for a hard look. Look at your own motivations for things.  Reflect on what you mean, truly, from your heart.

What do you want in a man? What do you expect from a man?

Answers these questions quietly, and in private -- taking the time to be honest and truthful with yourself, WITHOUT expecting anything from anyone.

Yes... You are/will be a really great relationship material--bigger picture stuff. Remember. You just forgot it in the emotion of this needing and desire... and you know it.

You'll get through this PeachPalm cause you got the feel and heart.

Here's a quick tip: put these luke warm men back on the shelf at the store where you found them.

So I’m not being delusional here but I’m really picky and he had everything I was looking for. Successful, kind, mature, respectful, intelligent. Kinda looked at him and admired him in a way that I thought my future kids if they grew up to me him, I would be proud. So that’s why I’m sad about this. He even said me and him clicked, and were very similar. We were a match on our values and thoughts about life 

I just worry he was my last chance. Him coming back to be friends meant a lot to me as I don’t want to lose that connection. Convos with him are very deep and meaningful and I can be my utter self around him 

 

[Alpacalia]

9 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

So I’m not being delusional here but I’m really picky and he had everything I was looking for. Successful, kind, mature, respectful, intelligent. Kinda looked at him and admired him in a way that I thought my future kids if they grew up to me him, I would be proud. So that’s why I’m sad about this. He even said me and him clicked, and were very similar. We were a match on our values and thoughts about life 

I just worry he was my last chance. Him coming back to be friends meant a lot to me as I don’t want to lose that connection. Convos with him are very deep and meaningful and I can be my utter self around him 

I'm sure he's all those things. And that's really great when we can connect with someone in that way. But relationships also require effort, communication, and a desire to make it work. He does not have the same feelings for you, and that's okay. It doesn't change the fact that you feel he's a great guy and you enjoyed his company. 

Connections are great but they do not guarantee a relationship. Worrying that he is your last chance is most likely why you see him as an almighty match to get over. You're afraid to lose that potential future with him that you imagined.

He is only your "last chance" if you believe he is.  

[PeachPalm1]

15 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I'm sure he's all those things. And that's really great when we can connect with someone in that way. But relationships also require effort, communication, and a desire to make it work. He does not have the same feelings for you, and that's okay. It doesn't change the fact that you feel he's a great guy and you enjoyed his company. 

Connections are great but they do not guarantee a relationship. Worrying that he is your last chance is most likely why you see him as an almighty match to get over. You're afraid to lose that potential future with him that you imagined.

He is only your "last chance" if you believe he is.  

It’s just 2 years ago I was in love with a man who liked me first. He grew on me and I was so so happy .I’m very picky and rarely feel atttavtion so much I worry I was asexual. 2 years I didn’t feel attraction ever again until I met this guy. And I didn’t want to mess it up. I read all the self help dating books, I played it cool whilst staying my intentions, I did nice things for him but not too much, a little token gift here and there. I can only wonder if this means I’m not attractive. I am worried about that 

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

It’s just 2 years ago I was in love with a man who liked me first. He grew on me and I was so so happy .I’m very picky and rarely feel atttavtion so much I worry I was asexual. 2 years I didn’t feel attraction ever again until I met this guy. And I didn’t want to mess it up. I read all the self help dating books, I played it cool whilst staying my intentions, I did nice things for him but not too much, a little token gift here and there. I can only wonder if this means I’m not attractive. I am worried about that 

Kindly, stop with the whipping of yourself. I see no reason for you to be so hard on yourself when you share that you are a "picky" person when it comes to dating and rarely feel attraction.

It sounds like you are someone who takes their time getting to know someone before letting yourself become attracted to them, and that is not a bad thing.

It is likely that this is just a normal aspect of your personality and not something that needs to be fixed. 

[PeachPalm1]

16 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Kindly, stop with the whipping of yourself. I see no reason for you to be so hard on yourself when you share that you are a "picky" person when it comes to dating and rarely feel attraction.

It sounds like you are someone who takes their time getting to know someone before letting yourself become attracted to them, and that is not a bad thing.

It is likely that this is just a normal aspect of your personality and not something that needs to be fixed. 

I was attracted to this man instantly though. I just knew. From the way he cooked nice meals catering for my allergies, to how he always made sure he had a nice fancy bottle of wine for us to try at dinner. And then he turned around and said he didn’t feel romantic 

I just can’t help wonder what I lack. I keep worrying I didn’t ask the right questions. I wasn’t feminine enough 

or perhaps he was never truly open to the idea of a relationship. With anyone. He deleted all his dating apps after he ended things with me 

[Alpacalia]

Who cares what you think he thought you lacked? You're heartbroken, I get it, but you're acting very 16. You cannot change yourself to make some guy like you. You will like a million guys, but I doubt you'll change for each. Not if you're smart.

[PeachPalm1]

6 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Who cares what you think he thought you lacked? You're heartbroken, I get it, but you're acting very 16. You cannot change yourself to make some guy like you. You will like a million guys, but I doubt you'll change for each. Not if you're smart.

Does this mean something wrong witb me or sound like him issue…..

our relationship wasn’t centred around sex, more conversation. But when I stayed over, in the mornings I had this sense he was hurrying me out. Like he would make me coffee and be like ‘I’ll drop you at the station at 9am.’ Then he wouldn’t text me to check I got home safe 

Every single date he would keep shortish because he would ALWAYS have plans with his mates straight after. He could never give me a full day 

I beat myself up Abojt it. Maybe this his way to avoid feelings?

 

[Alpacalia]

37 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Does this mean something wrong witb me or sound like him issue…..

Why does it have to be one or the other? Not a match.

[PeachPalm1]

7 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Why does it have to be one or the other? Not a match.

I know but I think we are a match but maybe he’s not sure if he’s staying 

If me and him aren’t a match, I don’t know how anyone else can be a match to me. I look back at my ex and realise now me and him were incompatible, but me and this guy would talk endlessly about how compatible we are. We were incredibly compatible and I genuinely don’t think I’ll ever find that again 

[basil67]

58 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

But when I stayed over, in the mornings I had this sense he was hurrying me out. Like he would make me coffee and be like ‘I’ll drop you at the station at 9am.’ Then he wouldn’t text me to check I got home safe 

Every single date he would keep shortish because he would ALWAYS have plans with his mates straight after. He could never give me a full day 

This sounds more like a FWB situation than a romance.  I understand that you thought he was the bees knees, but you really want to expect more a guy if you're thinking of having him as a boyfriend.   Don't fall for a guy who always puts the lads above you.

That said, I'm not sure why you'd expect a message to ask if you got home safe.  Is there any reason that he might have believed you wouldn't get home safe?  If it's daytime, you're staying safe and don't have a disability, I can't see why you'd need a check in.  No different to travelling to and from work in the daytime.

[PeachPalm1]

14 minutes ago, basil67 said:

This sounds more like a FWB situation than a romance.  I understand that you thought he was the bees knees, but you really want to expect more a guy if you're thinking of having him as a boyfriend.   Don't fall for a guy who always puts the lads above you.

That said, I'm not sure why you'd expect a message to ask if you got home safe.  Is there any reason that he might have believed you wouldn't get home safe?  If it's daytime, you're staying safe and don't have a disability, I can't see why you'd need a check in.  No different to travelling to and from work in the daytime.

I had to travel home 1.5 hours from his house on the train. I even had cancelled trains so I was stuck in his town but as he already had dropped me at the station, I had to stay there for hours waiting for the next train. 
 

yeah and I’m trying to move forward. I’m paying for hinge at the moment. I send like 50 likes out a day but in the years I’ve had this app, I’ve only ever had one match… him! I’m no model but I’m not ugly but it feels pretty doomed tbh 

[stillafool]

It hurst when you like someone a lot and they don't feel the same way. I'm sure he didn't see anything wrong with you it's just that he didn't feel a romantic connection with you.  Did he ever kiss you or make love to you?  Did he even try?  You can be compatible with someone about your ideas and the things you like and still not feel romantic about them.  I'm a woman and I'm compatible with my best friend; but I don't want to kiss or make love with her.

[PeachPalm1]

11 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It hurst when you like someone a lot and they don't feel the same way. I'm sure he didn't see anything wrong with you it's just that he didn't feel a romantic connection with you.  Did he ever kiss you or make love to you?  Did he even try?  You can be compatible with someone about your ideas and the things you like and still not feel romantic about them.  I'm a woman and I'm compatible with my best friend; but I don't want to kiss or make love with her.

Yes the last date we had, he cooked dinner for me, he was calling me beautiful, kissing me in the kitchen. Although, when it came to the bedroom, did seem nervous, stating that he was thinking too much. In fact, the sex with a lousy, but I was confident  things will get better,  Then after the date, sending me cute date ideas, memes and recipes. Then suddenly pulls away after I sent a little bit of a flirty text. Is distant for 2 weeks and then ends things and says he doesn’t feel the romantic aspect

Really confusing! We didn’t speak to for two months, and then we started texting again as friends. Our next date before we ended things were supposed to be going to play golf, and so I’m in the car he took me to play golf and get lunch. He went back to texting me all the time he was texting me till early hours of the morning one night, and it felt like your connection was once again growing. Anyone to sleep, and he never spoke to me I reached out to me ever again. I don’t understand it.

Edited April 28, 2024 by PeachPalm1
Spelling

[basil67]

36 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I had to travel home 1.5 hours from his house on the train. I even had cancelled trains so I was stuck in his town but as he already had dropped me at the station, I had to stay there for hours waiting for the next train. 

Did you tell him this was happening?   Did you ask him to help you get home?   Don't ever be afraid to ask for help when you need it, even if it means the other person may be late for their mates.   And if he'd refused to help you, then you should have disappeared on him!

36 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

yeah and I’m trying to move forward. I’m paying for hinge at the moment. I send like 50 likes out a day but in the years I’ve had this app, I’ve only ever had one match… him! I’m no model but I’m not ugly but it feels pretty doomed tbh 

I can see how disappointing this is.  Sounds like your profile needs an update.  Have you got a friend who can help you with this?

[PeachPalm1]

14 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Did you tell him this was happening?   Did you ask him to help you get home?   Don't ever be afraid to ask for help when you need it, even if it means the other person may be late for their mates.   And if he'd refused to help you, then you should have disappeared on him!

I can see how disappointing this is.  Sounds like your profile needs an update.  Have you got a friend who can help you with this?

I’ve had a lot of support with my profile. Selection of pictures of my travels, with friends, I’ve made my profile fun with interesting prompts that show my personality. Profile isn’t over the top. No one really understands. The last guy said he loved my profile, and I think that’s why we got along well. We’re both a rare myers briggs personality type too so I only really attract that type and they are hard to find. I. Fact I’m only attracted to intjs too

 

and no I didn’t tell him it was happening. I want to show a man I’m dating I’m independent so I kept it quiet. Anyway, he’d already left town to go see his mates so it wasn’t his problem 

Edited April 28, 2024 by PeachPalm1

[stillafool]

21 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

. Although, when it came to the bedroom, did seem nervous, stating that he was thinking too much. In fact, the sex with a lousy, but I was confident  things will get better,  

 

23 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Then suddenly pulls away after I sent a little bit of a flirty text. Is distant for 2 weeks and then ends things and says he doesn’t feel the romantic aspect

Possibly he didn't like sex with you and felt it best to move on.

[PeachPalm1]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

 

Possibly he didn't like sex with you and felt it best to move on.

That’s making me worry what’s wrong with my body, oh god  I’m worried I’m undesirable. He was like this from the start with sex, passionate and worshipping my body but when it moved to the act itself, he seemed to get nervous. Oh god