Is it a red flag if my sister (26F) and her boyfriend (23M) in a 3 month relationship repeatedly unfollow and refollow each other on Instagram?

[Karlie_A_J]

My sister (26F) is seeing a boy (23M) for 3 months. He is a self-employed and hired her part-time as an assistant. But now it's turned into a friendship or an early stage of relationship. So far, they have unfollowed and refollowed each other on Instagram 3 times and this cycle is accelerating. I mean the periods of following and unfollowing are getting shorter. The total days of following or unfollowing modes are almost equal.

Can this be considered a sign of immaturity, lack of healthy communication or mental instability from either or both sides? Is it a concerning sign or a major red flag in their relationship?

Or they are just playing unserious games and these temporary makeup/breakups may eventually steer the relationship to a smooth (or at least less chaotic) path, once they set boundaries and know each other better?

tl;dr: My sister (26F) and her boyfriend of 3 months (23M) have already followed and unfollowed each other 3 times. Is this a major red flag?

[Alpacalia]

It's nice that you're being a supportive sibling wanting to look out for your sister. I think the more pressuring angle is that she is working for him and it's important that your sister retains her self-respect and if this is the path she wants to go into work / personal the start is already a bit rocky of communications.

What 23 year old has money to hire an assistant? Did they agree on that he will pay her? 

[Karlie_A_J]

Thanks for your response. He's hired her to administer his Instagram account. I don't know what exactly this means or how serious/necessary this job is. She's a tattoo artist as well and tattooed his arm 2 weeks ago. Obviously some boundaries are already blurred. 

What I'm seeking assistance for from more experience and well-informed members of this forum is the outcome of this relationship. 

I mean do you think it's too childish to turn into something serious later? Or instability and lack of healthy communication leaves no room for the relationship to last and eventually it either fails once a more serious issue emerges, or they gradually lose interest and get fed up with this broken cycle. 

[Alpacalia]

If they can't even successfully follow each other on Instagram without unfollowing then you can safely say the odds are not in their favor and there will be bigger issues over time. Which brings me back to my earlier point, why is she choosing to work for this guy? Has she thought about what transpires down the road when the 'honeymoon' is over, and she's now entangled job wise? 

Maybe they would be better off as just friends. This isn't about maturity or immaturity, it's more about dumb ignorant decisions. And right now they're a boatload of them. Hence the red flag.

Whosever decision it was to hire the other -- yes --- that is a separate issue but it could also be a sign of impulsive decision-making and immaturity. 

Sure, some relationship have their initial ups and downs and it's possible for people to mature and grow together. 

The only reason I can imagine why 2 grown-ups wouldn't think it's ridiculous or cringe is because they've given into this obsessive mindset that fuels emotionally masochistic behaviour and a need to assert one's power and break the (pre)carious balance in the relationship and simultaneously try to truly test the waters on where exactly they stand with a particular action (not following or unfollowing on social media). Definitely immature, and it does indeed say that healthy communication and stability between them is missing.

BUT many times we see relationships that start with a chaotic and unbalanced energy end up that way too --- with obsessive on and off patterns, jealousy, drama. This sounds like it could be that type of relationship. 

[Karlie_A_J]

She was unstable financially 3 months ago; since she'd to pay for her tattooing courses. She's still an apprentice and might need the cash; but I don't think the incentive is financial anymore. It's a bit strange how fast things between the 2 have changed in just 3 months, half of which being in the unfollow mode.

I don't think it can even be considered a honeymoon. Honeymoon should be an euphoric period during which people present their better versions. So they shouldn't have saved enough positivity to spend it in hard times. I don't see a progress in their relationship and won't be surprised if they get frustrated at some point. Or failure to handle a more significant disagreement finalizes the relationship inevitably. Specifically considering that she had a messy break up with her ex around 2.5 years ago and for almost a year was badly depressed post break up. I hope her previous experience acts as a shield against another mistake, though their insistence in giving it another try each time they unfollow, hints something different.

Is it fair to say each time they unfollow each other, they get more accustomed to this pattern and they inevitably have to lower the bar of mutual respect? And this can turn into a self-feeding loop that exacerbates the condition overtime?

Can there be an emotional bond between the two that prevents them from putting an end to this relationship? Obviously they've not been together enough to build up quality memories to save the relationship otherwise.

[d0nnivain]

It's immature & reeks of poor communication.  I hope she doesn't still work for him.  She shouldn't date her boss. 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Karlie_A_J said:

What I'm seeking assistance for from more experience and well-informed members of this forum is the outcome of this relationship. 

I mean do you think it's too childish to turn into something serious later? Or instability and lack of healthy communication leaves no room for the relationship to last and eventually it either fails once a more serious issue emerges, or they gradually lose interest and get fed up with this broken cycle. 

Not necessarily.  Some couples like playing stupid games, believe it or not.  What you consider a red flag may be a turn on to them.  For all you know they may end up getting married.  Why do you care what is going on with them? Is your sister complaining to you about him?

[Karlie_A_J]

She doesn't say much. That's all she's shared with me so far. The boundaries are pretty blurred. She is a tattoo apprentice and tattooed his arm 2 weeks ago. Everyone says it's not recommended to do so. But she's starting and doesn't have enough clients, so maybe she offered him her service. The guy already had some decent tattoos and it was strange of him to accept the risk. The outcome was not on par with the old ones, but he posted a story on his Instagram advertising for her!

She went through a nasty break up with her ex 2 years ago and was badly depressed for almost a year post break up. The final year was rocky and they were on-again/off-again. I can track some similarities between these two. I don't want to interfere in her personal life, but her wounds are not totally healed yet and having seen how devastated she was 2 years ago, I'm worried she gets emotionally involved in another toxic relationship; in case this can be considered a toxic one.

The guy is 3 years younger, an immigrant from a totally different cultural background and obviously less mature than her.

A couple of people told me there should be a sexual intrigue that keeps them in the relationship. But considering the short fuse, lack of healthy communication and at least 1 dispute followed by unfollowing every 3 weeks, is it a probable assumption?

Doesn't sex require some common basis, a minimum level of understanding and mutual respect? Sex should give the relationship an emotional tint. But does this on/off pattern reflect that? 

[Alpacalia]

They both are already directionless in several aspects of their lives. It can either slow down (shifting down a gear in 'cat mode') and seriously think of restructuring their lives and this newly joined love life together to elevate their situation to a higher level or pull the plug unintentionally or out of curiosity.

Lol, I know that doesn't help but this could just be extended foreplay for them. 

[stillafool]

13 hours ago, Karlie_A_J said:

Doesn't sex require some common basis, a minimum level of understanding and mutual respect? Sex should give the relationship an emotional tint. But does this on/off pattern reflect that? 

Sex requires that they both want each other in a sexual way, which they do, and the blocking and unblocking is led by their emotions.  

 

13 hours ago, Karlie_A_J said:

She doesn't say much. That's all she's shared with me so far.

You seem to know quite a bit about their interaction, so it sounds like she's shared a lot.  If she isn't complaining about him and is having sex with him, they probably really like each other.  How old are they?

[Lotsgoingon]

Just says they are immature and that they were struggling under the additional weight of working together. 

There is nothing particularly good about their friending and unfriending--but this behavior is not a sign of serious mental health problems. Conflict can be good because people have the chance to get their complaints and requests out in the open. As long as there is no violence, let her be. 

[stillafool]

17 hours ago, Karlie_A_J said:

The guy already had some decent tattoos and it was strange of him to accept the risk. The outcome was not on par with the old ones, but he posted a story on his Instagram advertising for her!

He must like her a great deal if he let her tattoo him with very little experience and advertised her.  I think they will be okay.

[Karlie_A_J]

He's 23, she's 26.

[mark clemson]

Quote

Is it a red flag

Quite possibly, but people have to figure their own stuff out. Unless you think there's actual danger here, consider waiting until she comes to you to discuss what you see or don't see as red flags.

 

[stillafool]

On 4/28/2024 at 7:53 PM, Karlie_A_J said:

I don't want to interfere in her personal life, but her wounds are not totally healed yet and having seen how devastated she was 2 years ago, I'm worried she gets emotionally involved in another toxic relationship; in case this can be considered a toxic one.

The guy is 3 years younger, an immigrant from a totally different cultural background and obviously less mature than her.

 

It takes most people a year to get over a long relationship but meeting a new love is the easiest way to move on from your ex.  A year is long enough to wait before dating again.  You can't control her relationships or who she chooses to involve herself with.  She's an adult, isn't she?  You may get into a toxic relationship before she does because many of us do not know it's toxic until we're in the middle of it.  I'm sure she's learned some things from her last relationship that she will take into this one.  Just because he's an immigrant with a different culture and 3 years younger doesn't make him less mature than your sister.  Being an immigrant I'm sure he's had to grow up fast.  Why don't you meet him, you may like him for your sister.

 

[Karlie_A_J]

I live far from them. This is his first relationship, but she has had a failed experience almost recently. Women mature mentally faster than men as well.

The power dynamics are not only imbalanced, but weird. He's self-employed and hired her part time. She's his only employee. He doesn't have a dedicated office and is renting a room in a 7 bedroom student residence flat which is used as a home-office.

Most people say dating a colleague (specifically a boss) isn't a good idea. In this case, the boundaries got blurry fast. She's an apprentice tattoo artist and offered him to tattoo his arm. The guy accepted the risk though he already had some decent ones. The outcome was not great, but he posted a story on his Instagram and recommended her to his followers!

I don't intend to interfere in her life; but having seen how devastated she was till a couple of months ago, I cannot see her get emotionally involved in another toxic relationship. 

By the way, although she's 26, this on-off cycle screams anything but maturity. Obviously there is a lack of constructive conversation between the 2 that escalates disagreements on even superficial issue to temporary disconnections. I wonder how this relationship survives once they face more serious issues down the road. 

[ShyViolet]

It certainly sounds like an immature and unstable situation.  But it's not your life and it's not your place to interfere unless she asks you for advice.  She has to make her own mistakes.

[Karlie_A_J]

That's all she's shared with me. The reason I posted that question is to get feedback from more experienced members in here; so that when she reaches out to me, my comments sound balanced and mature.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Karlie_A_J said:

That's all she's shared with me. The reason I posted that question is to get feedback from more experienced members in here; so that when she reaches out to me, my comments sound balanced and mature.

Rather than give advice, perhaps ask questions to help unpack her thoughts.  If you agree with what she says, validate her feelings.   This will ultimately build her confidence that she can make good decisions for herself without seeking advice

[MsJayne]

I'd be asking what sort of incidents or disagreements lead up to the 'unfollowing'. I'll assume that if she's managing his social media then following him would be part of the job, and that would mean knowing the ins and outs of his life, seeing how many times he likes or comments on other peoples, (scantily clad women), socials, and how many women flirt with him and how he responds, etc, and that could possibly lead to your sister feeling jealous and insignificant to him. If that's what's going on, I would say there's zero chance of it becoming a healthy relationship because of the dysfunctional circumstances. If she's asking you for advice then maybe point out that if she feels insecure or devalued in by him in any way it can only end in disaster.