Soon-to-be Long distance. Very Worried

[healthyhopes]

I am half venting and half requesting logistical suggestions.

I've accepted a master's program ~4 hours away from where my boyfriend will be working. I had no choice but to accept this program for the sake of my career. Even though I don't want to move so far away from the life I have built, and to live in a location that is less-than-glamorous for 2 years, I always had a dream of entering a very competitive field (which will also later require me to have a  PhD) and I have had trouble getting the necessary experience that makes me a competitive applicant without formal academia guiding me.

However, my boyfriend has accepted a job in the state where he has completed his degree, and he doesn't want to move or apply for another job. We live in a particular state where someone who goes to his school does not need to take a mandatory licensure test, and can be waived into other states without this test after working in this state for several years (I think 3?). He doesn't want to take this test in any other state, and would rather wait out 3 years without hassle. Additionally, it is a fun and cool city and he is excited to live there. For the record, I don't think he should move away as this is the first job he will ever have after graduating his program, and he is excited for it.

While I applied to a number of places, the Master's program in his city rejected my application. This is very depressing for the both of us as we had made plans to move in together for the first time. My only choice is this Master's Degree that is 4.5 hours away and in another state. Though he says I actually don't need more education and that I can wait and live with him for a few years and re-apply later, he has reluctantly accepted my offer for a long-distance relationship.

Still, I am worried sick about the distance and the future of this relationship. I fear that he is developing resentment towards me for accepting this offer. I have made several plans about how we may make this work but I feel like I am the only one thinking about these plans. He is a quiet and relaxed person and though that is a strength in some situations, at current I have no idea what he is thinking and for my own sake I need to know his ideas for how we could make it work. 

I think we could theoretically see each other every other week (switching off each visit), and either take a bus, ride a car, or take a plane to see the other person. Additionally, I thought about potentially staying at his place on college breaks. My idea is that we could set up our apartments as if two people live there, so that we don't feel like it is such a hassle to travel this often. I agree that it is not the most perfect solution but I don't know what else to do. I am honestly worried sick about this and have been losing sleep every night. I worry that this will be the end of our relationship, but I know I need my master's degree so that I can take a step towards one day having my dream job. 

Has anyone else navigated a similar long distance situation??? How did you succeed in actually maintaining the long distance relationship (with travel included)? Was it actually doable for a time period of 2 years??

Thanks!!

[healthyhopes]

I am really struggling... I know that accepting this offer is the best thing for me and my career... If I move in with him I don't know where I would work and more likely, without more education, I will be making little money... and I cannot stand the thought of putting my life on hold for three years. At the same time I feel like I am singlehandedly responsible for the end of my relationship, as I have no idea how to predict if long distance will work or not (though I do want it to work!), and two years is an awfully long time.

[basil67]

When you say you're moving 4 hours away, is this a 4 hour drive or flight?  If it's a drive, then it could well be sustainable if you're both prepared to travel to see the other one and stay for the weekend.   I'm not one to do long distance, but even I think that 4 hours drive could be sustainable, especially if you can chill on a train or bus. 

I understand your application in his city failed, but if you do excellent work, could you potentially apply for a transfer in a year?

[healthyhopes]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

When you say you're moving 4 hours away, is this a 4 hour drive or flight?  If it's a drive, then it could well be sustainable if you're both prepared to travel to see the other one and stay for the weekend.   I'm not one to do long distance, but even I think that 4 hours drive could be sustainable, especially if you can chill on a train or bus. 

I understand your application in his city failed, but if you do excellent work, could you potentially apply for a transfer in a year?

It will be a (slightly more than a) 4 hour drive. I am also not typically one to do long distance, which is why I am so worried.

I don't believe there is a formal application processes with master's degrees, so I am not sure if it is possible. My application in his city didn't exactly fail -- the professors whose labs I applied for changed their minds and decided to not accept applicants. As such I don't think I can re-apply for this cycle anyways.

[healthyhopes]

1 hour ago, healthyhopes said:

I don't believe there is a formal application processes with master's degrees, so I am not sure if it is possible. 

Mean to say: I don't believe there is a formal transfer processes with master's degrees, so I am not sure if it is possible. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, healthyhopes said:

I thought about potentially staying at his place on college breaks. My idea is that we could set up our apartments as if two people live there, so that we don't feel like it is such a hassle to travel this often. I agree that it is not the most perfect solution but I don't know what else to do.

What does your boyfriend think about this? 

[d0nnivain]

4 hours is not insurmountable.  The time apart also has a definitive end: your graduation. 

I made a bi-costal (NY & CA) relationship work before cells phones & internet. We had daily snail mail paper letters & 1 phone call for 1 hour at 11 pm on Wednesday nights when the rates were cheaper.  It ended for reasons having nothing to do with the distance.  Unlike  me, you have all sorts of technology:  cell phones, video chat etc.  

In theory there should be little to worry about because this isn't so much long distance as inconvenient.   You are projecting your fears & doomsday onto him.  Stop.  He doesn't appear worried nor does he say he resents you. Why would you want to be with a partner who didn't support you?  

Give the LDR thing a chance.  Let yourself grow so you are less fearful of the drive.  Learn some independence.  At the end of your program you will have the degree you want & better sense of self.  Do not throw all that away & the possibilities that come with it for a BF.  If your relationship survives you & he will be all the stronger for the effort.  If the relationship crumbles under this stress test it wasn't meant to be in the 1st place.  

[Gebidozo]

Long distance relationships are very tough for some people, especially for anxious attachers who worry a lot and need tangible contact. That said, 4 hours driving distance isn’t that much. I know couples who survived 2 or more years LDR while studying in different countries 20 airplane hours apart.

If you guys love and trust each other, you’ll be able to do it. Try to see each other as much as you can. Today’s technology makes everything so much easier. I had a relationship that turned long-distance (4-hour flight apart) during its fourth year. We were both poor students who could hardly afford an international call. We wrote paper letters that arrived at their destination a week later. You guys can consider yourselves lucky😊

[stillafool]

4.5 hours isn't that long of a drive.  I have a friend who lives in L.A. and works in Vegas and comes home every weekend.  That's a 4.5 hour drive.  If you trust your boyfriend there should be nothing to worry about.

[BaileyB]

Definitely do whatever you need to do to get your education. If your relationship is meant to be, it will survive the time that you are apart as you get your education. 

I have two friends who studied at different schools. For several years, they lived apart -  it was a day travel by plane. But, they made it work… they recently celebrated their 25th anniversary and they have two children. So, it can be done. But, it’s also not a terrible thing if the relationship ends. Not every relationship at this age is meant to be a “forever” relationship. If time reveals that you are better to end this relationship and follow your own path - that will be ok too. Trust me. 💕

Edited April 29 by BaileyB

[Els]

 During our 15+ years together, my husband and I did 2 years of very long distance (international plane ride) and 1.5 years of what I would consider medium distance (2 hour drive). The 2-hour drive was not a big issue, but the very long distance period was incredibly difficult. We obviously did succeed in getting through it, but it was rough.

I think at this stage in your life it makes sense for you to prioritize your career. I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm guessing you're in your early 20s. Realistically speaking, even if you sacrifice your career to stay with your partner, it's statistically unlikely that this will be the relationship you'll be in for the rest of your life. Possible, but statistically unlikely. On the other hand, your career and your resume is something that you will have for the remainder of your working life.

IMO, you should go. If it was meant to be, you two will make it work.

On 4/29/2024 at 1:26 PM, healthyhopes said:

Still, I am worried sick about the distance and the future of this relationship. I fear that he is developing resentment towards me for accepting this offer. I have made several plans about how we may make this work but I feel like I am the only one thinking about these plans

Why do you feel like he would develop resentment towards you? He is an equal participant in creating the long distance, because he's not willing to move with you. It's not like he can't, he chooses not to. That's a fair decision for him to make, but he cannot begrudge you making your own decisions too.

[WH747474]

4hr drive is really not that bad .

[healthyhopes]

On 5/1/2024 at 5:19 AM, Els said:

 During our 15+ years together, my husband and I did 2 years of very long distance (international plane ride) and 1.5 years of what I would consider medium distance (2 hour drive). The 2-hour drive was not a big issue, but the very long distance period was incredibly difficult. We obviously did succeed in getting through it, but it was rough.

I think at this stage in your life it makes sense for you to prioritize your career. I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm guessing you're in your early 20s. Realistically speaking, even if you sacrifice your career to stay with your partner, it's statistically unlikely that this will be the relationship you'll be in for the rest of your life. Possible, but statistically unlikely. On the other hand, your career and your resume is something that you will have for the remainder of your working life.

IMO, you should go. If it was meant to be, you two will make it work.

Why do you feel like he would develop resentment towards you? He is an equal participant in creating the long distance, because he's not willing to move with you. It's not like he can't, he chooses not to. That's a fair decision for him to make, but he cannot begrudge you making your own decisions too.

Hi, thank you for your comment. I don’t know if I am thinking rationally about this at all. In our state he doesn’t need to take the licensure exam and can be waived into other states after working here for 3-5 years. The original plan we had was that he would take this exam regardless so that he could live in a different state but now he is saying he likes it here and doesn’t want to leave. That’s his choice and opinion and I don’t want to criticize him for that but I don’t completely understand as he has no friends or family here and will moving to a city that is completely new for him. At the same time I understand that he hasn’t even started his job yet and he needs experience working if he is to move up in his own career. I am okay with long distance but I know it will be hard. I am looking for solutions but I feel like there aren’t any. His solution at the moment is that I postpone my career for one year but I honestly don’t think I can do that. He is now saying if I get into a PhD program outside of this specific state he lives in we will be in a LDL for 5+ years, so now it appears he is hesitant about moving the relationship forwards if I am to pursue any education outside of this state. I apologize I am just using this space to vent but this is bringing me so much stress and heartbreak

[healthyhopes]

I really appreciate all of your comments. I will pursue the master’s program. I hope that we can both be flexible and successfully go through with the long distance. Thanks everyone.   

[healthyhopes]

Hi everyone, 

I am commenting again to vent. I am really struggling again. While originally (ex: when I was applying for schools) he told me that we would make long distance work, now he is saying that it doesn’t seem feasible. He continues to tell me I don’t need a masters or a PhD, or tells me I can delay getting a masters by a few years and apply again for a program in his city (mediocre program). He also says that he is encouraging me not to go as he knows I will be unhappy  in the city I will be doing my master’s program in (and yes it will be difficult without family, friends, or a relationship) but he isn’t understanding that I need to advance my career.
 

He suggested that I wait 1-2 years and apply again, and said that many people delay their careers for years and it is not a problem (ex: 50-year-olds in his law class). I said I don’t want to delay it and I don’t understand why I must wait 2 years when in 2 years, I would have graduated with my master’s. He stated that he is hesitant of long distance as he worries I will not be in his city for my phd either. I asked him if, after my master’s program (where we do long distance), he would be ok “delaying” living in his preferred city for 5 years while living wherever my PHD program is, and then moving back after I graduated; he didn’t answer. 

I’ve tried to explain that if I wait a year I lose all of my letters of recommendation that I acquired (complicated explanation but my key professor is retiring and absolutely will not write one) and also will be out of research for over a year, negatively hurting my chances. I’m also in my late 20s and it’s been hard for me to get the experience I need to apply for a PhD by simply working in labs… I have weighed the pros and cons and need this master’s program to acquire experience needed to get a phd. However he isn’t listening. 

While the drive was originally 4.5 hours he decided to live further away and the drive will now be 6 hours between us (he wanted to save money on rent, even if it means that he will be driving 1 hour commute to work each day) and now says that this will be difficult.

I told him I will rent an apartment that allows dogs so he can travel with his dog but he says that likely he won’t be able to travel with his dog anyways, so I would have to visit him. I offered meeting at my parent’s place, which is 4 hours from me and ~1.5 hours from him, but he again seems hesitant. 
 

I’ve discussed solutions regarding travel but he doesn’t make any and I don’t believe he listens well. I’ve spent time brainstorming with my father because my boyfriend isn’t interested. My boyfriend’s solution is that I quit my masters program and move into his apartment and he will provide for me monetarily until I find work. I have a  degree that needs higher education for me to have a normal schedule and good pay. Also I have car and college debt.
 

We had a fight yesterday over this and now he is not answering my texts (I will stop sending them). I am honestly heartbroken. I know that we agreed to live together and we had a very nice dream about this and yes it is heartbreaking but I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m at the end of my rope with this. 

[stillafool]

Do not wait to complete your education, I promise you will regret it.  At this point it's more important than a boyfriend.  He shouldn't even be asking you to postpone it.  What is wrong with driving 4 hours to visit each other.  You guys are young and driving 4 hours should be a drop in the bucket for you two if you really love each other.

Edited May 19 by stillafool

[healthyhopes]

My dad says that he is probably upset because this wonderful plan that we constructed of how our relationship would move forward has been upended. Many of our friends are getting engaged and moving in together. But I am upset too. I’m so depressed over this. but I feel like I am being unfairly tortured every time I am asked to quit and move in with him. Or when I am poked and prodded by his MOTHER and STEP-MOTHER over this.

[healthyhopes]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Do not wait to complete your education, I promise you will regret it.  At this point it's more important than a boyfriend.  He shouldn't even be asking you to postpone it.  What is wrong with driving 4 hours to visit each other.  You guys are young and driving 4 hours should be a drop in the bucket for you two if you really love each other.

To be fair, with the place he has decided to live the distance is now 6 hours between us ... However, I agree, and I feel that we would be able to see each other on breaks and vacations as well ...

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, healthyhopes said:

To be fair, with the place he has decided to live the distance is now 6 hours between us ...

At your ages even 6 hours shouldn't be too much.

[basil67]

I really do understand the concerns about the distance, but look at his solutions!  They all revolve around you making the sacrifice.  Heck, he's even chosen to move even further away from where you'd be living.  

In relationships, it will happen when there are difference of opinion.  For example, both parties wanting different vacation destinations, clashes of social activities, where to live etc. Think back over your relationship. How many times has he given up his preference so that you could do the thing you want?   I'm curious as to whether he's innately selfish

Edited May 19 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

it’s possible that your boyfriend sees your reluctance to postpone your career growth for the sake of living together now as selfishness and perhaps lack of commitment and love to him. I’m not saying he’s right, but I think that’s how he feels. 

He doesn’t want to make compromises because he hopes you’ll change your mind and decide to live with him. He might even intentionally increase the difficulties of a long-distance relationship (moving even further away) to push you towards the decision he prefers.

There is nothing wrong in making a compromise on either side. You can be the bigger person and sacrifice your career plans for him. But that will probably create a resentment on your side.

Personally, I think he should accept your plan, try to shorten the distance and make it work without sacrificing your career. Your gratitude would be a much bigger reward for him in the long run than the knowledge of himself not being magnanimous enough. But if he can’t feel that way, he can’t.

Young men rarely handle those issues well. You seem to be the more mature person between you too, unfortunately the crux of the decision is on you. Whatever you decide, please don’t look back afterwards, don’t regret. If you decide to go with him, try not to resent him for that. If you decide to stay and he breaks up with you over that, then he’s not the right man for you.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I think he is looking for a way to end the relationship and make it your fault. 

[Els]

14 hours ago, healthyhopes said:

He continues to tell me I don’t need a masters or a PhD, or tells me I can delay getting a masters by a few years and apply again for a program in his city (mediocre program). He also says that he is encouraging me not to go as he knows I will be unhappy  in the city I will be doing my master’s program in (and yes it will be difficult without family, friends, or a relationship) but he isn’t understanding that I need to advance my career.
 

He suggested that I wait 1-2 years and apply again, and said that many people delay their careers for years and it is not a problem (ex: 50-year-olds in his law class).

Your boyfriend now sounds unreasonable, selfish and unsupportive of your career.

I really think that you will regret it if you sacrifice your career for him... especially because this won't be the last time he'll expect you to do it. He has shown you his true colours - that he's the type of person who will expect you to put your career on the back burner for his own convenience and success. Do you really want to be with a person like that?

I know a woman who has a husband like that. She was halfway through her college degree when he proposed to her. He wanted her to quit and move with him for his job and "delay" her degree "for a few years". Guess what happened? She never completed her degree. After she married him and moved with him, they had a child. All of the childcare fell to her - I have never once seen him take care of his own child by himself. Naturally, this made it impossible for her to go back to university, and she also couldn't get any jobs that weren't a complete dead end, because she was solely responsible for every single thing that her child needed. When her child went off to college, she could finally start focusing on her own career 18 years later, but by then she was so much older and less qualified than people half her age. It was an uphill battle.

Someone (I think Sheryl Sandberg?) once said that the most important career decision a woman will make is her choice of spouse. While that's obviously quite reductive and a bit of an over-generalization, there is some truth to it. Every successful married woman I know has a supportive spouse - for instance, a husband who cleared his schedule to watch the kids so she could attend an important work conference. Do you think this guy will do that? I think not.

Edited May 20 by Els