Partner moving state for career?

[AnxiousAnn]

Hello all. I am a 32 year old woman. I've been with my fiance 10 years as of February. He makes decent money at his job. He spends it all on hobbies tho and we still live in an apartment. I told him I wanted to start thinking about getting a home and he says he needs to get a better paying job for that. I work as well and don't make as much but I save up and manage money pretty well. I told him we may have to put hobbies on hold for a while and save up for our search. Now he says he has an interview with a job in a different state about 5 hours away saying he could make more and we could have a better life. 

The issue is I love my hometown and don't want to leave. I love the beach and water and being close to my family. I have no real friends just my family. I don't want to go 5 hours away from them. I feel like I've sacrificed a lot in the relationship already since I've been ok with him going and doing what he wants this whole time. Now I will have to give up my happy life here and do what he wants again. Has anyone ever been in a situation like this? I love him I just don't know if I want to make this move away from everything I've ever known.

Side note he's not from here where we live now, I met him when he came here for work in 2014. 

[SurfCity]

Don't move for a man that's not your husband or fiance. If he didn't spend all his money on hobbies, you two could get a house. You sound a lot more committed to him than he seems to be to you. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Fiance of 10 years? Red flag. 

[AnxiousAnn]

14 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Fiance of 10 years? Red flag. 

Yeah. I feel like he's never really put us first. We were looking for house a few years ago but he gave up and started more hobbies 🙃 

[Alpacalia]

Sounds like this relationship is out of pure convenience based on your content above. He's probably fine with the status-quo and you're caught up in the obligatory fear of making a drastic change. 10 years is a long time to be engaged if marriage is truly your end goal. Men tend to move as the wind shifts. You'll regret the moment that you abandoned home, family and friends to accommodate a commitment void partner. Specifically, you're his 10 year fiancé, not his priority and (sadly) not his future wife. 

I fear that you're wasting precious life-of-opportunity, and just become another flashpoint in his life-history.

[Els]

There are several different factors at hand here. Firstly, an interview isn't a job offer - I think it's fine to put out feelers and then only cross the bridge when it comes to it. Most people apply to jobs with a wide net (especially in the current economy) and then only make a decision when they know which jobs have given them an offer, since the odds of getting the offer is slim.

I also acknowledge that you feel like 10 years is a long time to go without getting married, and that's definitely a valid concern. Do you have a wedding date planned?

That being said, I'm also going to go against the grain and say that I think you're being unfair to him. YOU want him to earn more money because YOU want to move from an apartment to a house, but when he takes action to improve his earning capacity, YOU are not happy that he's interviewing for jobs in different states. Realistically speaking, I think you have to decide what your priorities are. If your priority is money, then it would be foolish to restrict yourself to one location, when the economy is as terrible as it is. If your priority is location, then you have to accept his current pay - which is more than your own to begin with.

Expecting him to give up all his hobbies so you can get the house that you want without having to make any additional sacrifices yourself is IMO unrealistic and just setting things up for resentment. How much is he spending per month on hobbies? Are we talking $200 or $2000? If it's the former, there's realistically no way that you'll save up enough to buy a house with his current income and a new job is really the only way. If it's the latter, then it's possible you could reach a compromise - i.e. he doesn't give up his hobbies completely but reduces the amount that he spends.

[Alpacalia]

Why don't you let him move there first and you stay in your home state? If he like's it there and can find a foothold you can join him later.

He will get a better paying job and that money could go towards saving for the future home. Also, if you don't have any close friends other then family, couldn't you invite family members to come and visit? And then you could also plan trips to go and visit them. It's one thing if you had to support your family and could not leave them but it kind of sounds like he wants to improve your finances for the future...

You've waited ten years for something to happen. Granted, it can take a while for couples to be able to afford a home but that's a long time. If he has a shot to make more money for himself, then he needs to take it. I'm just not so sure that means you need to go with him.

You need to have a real discussion on where you both see yourselves in the near future and if marriage and buying a house is even in the cards. After 10 years, if nothing’s happening on the marriage front, then it’s up to you to decide if you’re willing to wait for him to make the move... in any direction.

Edited April 30 by Alpacalia

[Els]

@Alpacalia makes a good point.

To add, I've done it before, several years ago. H (my de facto partner at that time) took a job in a different country, and I followed him. His pay literally tripled overnight. I still miss the country that we moved from, it was so incredibly beautiful and I intend to live there again someday... but I can't deny that the move was worth it. We went from struggling financially to being able to afford a nice place to live in, travel, hobbies, time-saving conveniences. I was able to choose my job based on interest and lifestyle, rather than earning potential (or not work at all, if I desired). We got married, and we're on track to being able to save up enough to move back in the next decade.

Sure, in an ideal world we would have been able to do all that in our previous country, but we don't live in an ideal world. We all have to make choices based on what we want most.

Will it be worth it for you? Only you can decide. But in this life, there are always tradeoffs.

Edited April 30 by Els

[d0nnivain]

If you are truly engaged & genuinely thinking about marrying it's not good that he didn't consult you about this job / move before applying for the position.   The fact that he keeps spending money on hobbies & doesn't seem to take your desire for a house seriously does not bode well. 

If you are 32 now & have given this guy 10 years you have basically given him your child bearing years.  So unless you are saying the wedding is next month, fiancée is merely a title to placate you & he's never going to marry you or make you his wife.  

Maybe it's better that he goes & you stay, 

[stillafool]

Why hasn't a wedding date been set and plans made to get married?  Do you have a ring?  You guys may have to break up if the only way he can make more money is to move out of  your home town.

[Oldenuff2know]

I'm curious whether this job change would put him closer to his family. How long have the two of you been engaged? You say that you've made a lot of sacrifices for the relationship. What other sacrifices have you made? Does he acknowledge those sacrifices? Would he say that staying for 10 years is a sacrifice he has made for you? He seems content living in an apartment and having extra money for hobbies where you would like to set down roots and buy a home. I am just wondering if the two of you have had all those important talks about future life plans and whether the two of you are on the same page. I guess a decision does not really need to be made until you know whether he gets this job. However, I think it's worth it to sit down and have a heart-to-heart about what each of you expects for the future. If you're not on the same page after 10 years, it may be time to consider your options.

[AnxiousAnn]

2 hours ago, Oldenuff2know said:

I'm curious whether this job change would put him closer to his family. How long have the two of you been engaged? You say that you've made a lot of sacrifices for the relationship. What other sacrifices have you made? Does he acknowledge those sacrifices? Would he say that staying for 10 years is a sacrifice he has made for you? He seems content living in an apartment and having extra money for hobbies where you would like to set down roots and buy a home. I am just wondering if the two of you have had all those important talks about future life plans and whether the two of you are on the same page. I guess a decision does not really need to be made until you know whether he gets this job. However, I think it's worth it to sit down and have a heart-to-heart about what each of you expects for the future. If you're not on the same page after 10 years, it may be time to consider your options.

So no the move wouldn't be closer to his family. His family is spread out over the US (mom is in CA and dad in TN, various aunts and uncles in TX/FL etc). We've been engaged since 2021 tho. I feel like he may have only got engaged cause we had a couple friends who were ALWAYS asking him when he was gonna propose. So I feel like he mostly did it to give into peer pressure. But I feel like I sacrificed getting the things I wanted sooner like pets and a home because he always said he's not ready to have those things. He wanted to be free to do whatever he wanted for a while and I know how he was struggling and practically jobless when we first met, so I didn't want to put pressure on him. I wanted him to be able to do what he wanted for a bit and figured he'd be ready to get serious eventually.

And I get now he's getting serious by furthering his career I just wish it didn't require me to leave all of my family and favorite things. 

[AnxiousAnn]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

Why hasn't a wedding date been set and plans made to get married?  Do you have a ring?  You guys may have to break up if the only way he can make more money is to move out of  your home town.

He says he's not able to give me what I need financially. Even tho I only want a small wedding. I have his mother's old wedding ring from when her and his dad were married. I feel like we could live a comfortable life where we are now but he really doesn't think so. I've gotten 2 raises at my job in the last year I feel like we could make it work together here but there's more stuff for him to do with his hobbies in the new place wed be going so it's hard to not think that's the only reason he wants to go....he says it's not. But idk. 

[basil67]

While he has every right to spend as much as he wants on hobbies, you really want to reconsider why you're with a man who's timeline and ideas around spending are incompatible with yours.  

I think that you should only follow him if you are a) married to him, b)have a timeline for a house and pets and babies which you are both comfortable with and c) have a financial plan which you both agree with and stick to.   If you cannot come up with this in the short term, end the relationship and free yourself for a guy who shares your goals.

[AnxiousAnn]

20 minutes ago, basil67 said:

While he has every right to spend as much as he wants on hobbies, you really want to reconsider why you're with a man who's timeline and ideas around spending are incompatible with yours.  

I think that you should only follow him if you are a) married to him, b)have a timeline for a house and pets and babies which you are both comfortable with and c) have a financial plan which you both agree with and stick to.   If you cannot come up with this in the short term, end the relationship and free yourself for a guy who shares your goals.

Thank you. I agree it will need a much more thorough conversation before I can make any decisions. I guess maybe since this is my first real long term relationship I didn't even know myself what I've wanted this whole time. But now as I've gotten older I see the things I want and need more clearly. 

[Els]

11 hours ago, AnxiousAnn said:

We've been engaged since 2021 tho

3 years is a long time to be engaged. Do you know if you want biological kids?

I think at this stage it's clear that you both want different things in life, and it looks unlikely that this will change in the near future. It's not fair for you to give up your aspirations of a house, marriage etc, but it's also not fair to expect him to give up everything that he enjoys doing. You would be happier with a man who wants the same things you do, and he'd be happier with a woman who wants the things that he does.

[AnxiousAnn]

5 hours ago, Els said:

3 years is a long time to be engaged. Do you know if you want biological kids?

I think at this stage it's clear that you both want different things in life, and it looks unlikely that this will change in the near future. It's not fair for you to give up your aspirations of a house, marriage etc, but it's also not fair to expect him to give up everything that he enjoys doing. You would be happier with a man who wants the same things you do, and he'd be happier with a woman who wants the things that he does.

We agreed that we didn't want bio children which was a mutual decision. But it seems we are just too different in other aspects. What you said makes sense as we both shouldn't have to put what we want on hold constantly. He interviews tomorrow for the job. So we will just have to see what comes of that. And I guess go from there. 

[Els]

1 hour ago, AnxiousAnn said:

We agreed that we didn't want bio children which was a mutual decision. But it seems we are just too different in other aspects. What you said makes sense as we both shouldn't have to put what we want on hold constantly. He interviews tomorrow for the job. So we will just have to see what comes of that. And I guess go from there. 

If you genuinely don't want bio kids for yourself (and this decision is not influenced by him), then the marriage timeline doesn't matter all that much. So that leaves us with the issue of differing financial styles, as well as different priorities. If I'm reading your posts correctly, you want to stay where you are for the rest of your life, you really want to own a house, and you don't care about hobbies or seeing the rest of the world. And he's the polar opposite.

Regardless of whether or not he gets the job, it sounds like a long-term incompatibility that may be worth digging deep into. My advice is to have this difficult conversation now, not later. Not wanting kids definitely takes a lot of the pressure off time-wise, but you still don't want to be spending 20 or 30 years in a relationship where neither of you can truly do what you want.

[Gaeta]

He was a good enough boyfriend when you were 22 but he's not cutting it for a woman of 32.  Notice that since you started talking about getting a house he's all about taking a job in another state. This man does not want to fully commit to you. Having a job that pays more is not going to change the fact his money will go on hobbies and not much in saving. He doesn't want to get married, he has not saved in the past 10  years toward a common goal with you, he bought you a ring to shut up social pressure, he's not consulting you on life changing decisions. You let him move by himself. I really really think you should breakup and find a better partner.

You are still young. Nothing is wasted in life. You've learn a great deal about yourself in this relationship and your knowledge will help you find a better partner. 

 

[AnxiousAnn]

31 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

He was a good enough boyfriend when you were 22 but he's not cutting it for a woman of 32.  Notice that since you started talking about getting a house he's all about taking a job in another state. This man does not want to fully commit to you. Having a job that pays more is not going to change the fact his money will go on hobbies and not much in saving. He doesn't want to get married, he has not saved in the past 10  years toward a common goal with you, he bought you a ring to shut up social pressure, he's not consulting you on life changing decisions. You let him move by himself. I really really think you should breakup and find a better partner.

You are still young. Nothing is wasted in life. You've learn a great deal about yourself in this relationship and your knowledge will help you find a better partner. 

 

Thank you. Yeah it's weird because we looked at houses a few years ago and he wouldn't commit to the search then either. So we gave up. I feel like the relationship is now getting in the way of his hobbies because I'm trying to put boundaries down.

His interview with the new job is today. So we will see how it goes. He knows for sure I don't want to move, but is now trying to convince me of all the ways it will be great. 

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, AnxiousAnn said:

His interview with the new job is today. So we will see how it goes. He knows for sure I don't want to move, but is now trying to convince me of all the ways it will be great. 

Lets say there was no job out of state situation. Is this really what you want for a relationship? Someone half hearted, half committed, half sincere, half compatible with your dreams and goals.  At 32 I would consider myself at a crossroad. More of this or you jump out. 

I divorced at your age. We married I was 20 years old. By the time I reached 33 yo I was nothing like I was at 20. These relationships we started young often don't cut it anymore once we're reached our 30s and we've reached our full potential. 

[AnxiousAnn]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Lets say there was no job out of state situation. Is this really what you want for a relationship? Someone half hearted, half committed, half sincere, half compatible with your dreams and goals.  At 32 I would consider myself at a crossroad. More of this or you jump out. 

I divorced at your age. We married I was 20 years old. By the time I reached 33 yo I was nothing like I was at 20. These relationships we started young often don't cut it anymore once we're reached our 30s and we've reached our full potential. 

Yess exactly. I feel like I've grown so much and he's just kinda wanted to do the same things and think about himself. Also, I was rethinking the relationship before the out of state job situation, but figured I'd stick it out since I've been in it so long. Which I know isn't the right thing to do either. We just know how bad the dating world is now days and I feel like we both settled. 

[Els]

1 hour ago, AnxiousAnn said:

Yess exactly. I feel like I've grown so much and he's just kinda wanted to do the same things and think about himself.

With all due respect, I think BOTH of you are thinking about yourselves. There's nothing at all wrong with that, but you seem to think that wanting to buy a house and to stay near your family is inherently "better" or more selfless than wanting to move to a new state and have hobbies. It's not. You are prioritizing what you want and he's prioritizing what he wants. The issue is just that you two want different things.

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Also, I was rethinking the relationship before the out of state job situation, but figured I'd stick it out since I've been in it so long. Which I know isn't the right thing to do either. We just know how bad the dating world is now days and I feel like we both settled. 

If you feel like you've settled, you really shouldn't be even thinking about marrying this person. It's not going to turn out well.

Do you have enough saved for half of a house deposit in your own account?

[AnxiousAnn]

9 minutes ago, Els said:

With all due respect, I think BOTH of you are thinking about yourselves. There's nothing at all wrong with that, but you seem to think that wanting to buy a house and to stay near your family is inherently "better" or more selfless than wanting to move to a new state and have hobbies. It's not. You are prioritizing what you want and he's prioritizing what he wants. The issue is just that you two want different things.

If you feel like you've settled, you really shouldn't be even thinking about marrying this person. It's not going to turn out well.

Do you have enough saved for half of a house deposit in your own account?

Yeah that makes sense. We both want different things and both don't really want to compromise. I can see that. It's def not good. 

I genuinely love him, but I know loving someone is not enough. And yeah settling for someone is never good. I think we're both realizing we want different things and have different priorities. He actually made a comment to a friend a while back about how bad the dating world is so he just stays. So I know he's settling for me. 

But I have almost half of a down payment saved up. It's really the only thing I've been doing with my money is paying bills and then saving what was left for a home. 

[Els]

1 hour ago, AnxiousAnn said:

He actually made a comment to a friend a while back about how bad the dating world is so he just stays. So I know he's settling for me. 

Oh, that's absolutely awful. Please do yourself a favour and leave. You're only 32, you have your entire life ahead of you. There are lots of other people out there who want the same things that you do, and they are looking for that person that they can buy a house with too. If you have half of a downpayment saved, you could have everything that you want in a few years' time with the right person (it varies, but where I live, financial advisors tend to say that you need 10-20% more than the deposit saved up before you buy, to cover associated costs and repairs).