I ended a physical affair months ago, guilt is killing me, hate myself and want to die.

[notlong4thisworld]

The following text may read as though I'm not remorseful, so please know that I am filled with regret, remorse, guilt, and sadness. I am disgusted with myself and have had suicidal thoughts due to how I have treated my GF and the choices I have made. There is no justification for cheating.

I (30m) and my gf (30f) have been together nearly 8 years.

This past year has been the worst for us, with many issues (lack of intimacy, lack of attraction, intense arguments, mini-break ups, etc.). My communicating my needs and relationship dissatisfaction to my GF turned into arguments and mini-break ups instead of us working together on solutions. She was content to not have sex, would consistently reject me, scoff at my requests for intimacy, etc. It made me feel unattractive and unwanted. Several times in the past year during arguments she's told me "we're done" only to take it back hours later. The sex was nearly non-existent and not enjoyable, the arguments were frequent and intense. The relationship was in a downtrend and I did not see it recovering. Really it was a lack of communication and effort on both our parts (we both acknowledge this) that lead us to that low point.

 

During the lowest point of our relationship, I regrettably opened the door for OW.

I do not blame my GF for any of my choices regarding the OW or the affair. These were my choices alone. I could have and should have chosen to put even MORE effort into communication and working on our issues, but instead I turned my attention elsewhere. The relationship issues we had are no excuse for my actions. My actions are inexcusable under any circumstances.

 

The OW

OW was my lifelong crush, first kiss, first girlfriend, etc. She had dumped me when we were kids but we remained friends through highschool until we moved away for college/university. (This heartbreak I believe became unresolved childhood trauma where I sought her approval even in adulthood and would do anything to obtain this approval and attention). Until recently I thought she was the most attractive person in the world, and I had always fantasized about her since I became sexually active.

She got married and we didn't see each other in person for a few years. We ran into each other a mutual friend's party last year and talked for a long time. Her and her friend were very drunk and her friend mentioned that OW had always had a crush on me and still does. I laughed it off and walked away, I was stunned, nothing else came of that conversation that night. The fact that this lifelong crush was mutual blew my mind and I literally felt lovesick the next couple days. I did not tell my GF because my inappropriate feelings for OW would hurt her feelings. I shook off the feelings and stayed loyal and in love with my GF. OW and I had a few friendly messages over the next year, but nothing inappropriate.

 

The Affair

Nearly a year had passed when she came to another friend's party. We talked for a long time, and she was giving me the eyes. She kissed me goodbye at the end of the night. This was the first solid line that had been crossed and I let it happen. This was cheating. I again felt lovesick and did not tell my GF. I did feel some guilt but this was overpowered by the limerent infatuation I had for OW. I wish I had told my GF or at least committed to not interacting with OW ever again because this was the opportunity to cut her out, go NC, and reinforce boundaries to protect my relationship. Instead, I saw OW a couple more times at mutual friend's parties over the next couple months and we talked and flirted and gave each other knowing, longing looks. I was getting high on her attention and it felt like an addiction.

Then, OW asked me to download snapchat so we could talk on there. I did. We discussed our mutual attraction and lifelong crushes on each other, dissatisfaction in our current relationships, etc. This graduated to sending photos, sexually explicit messages, etc.

I should have broken up with my GF before downloading snapchat and messaging OW because this was crossing yet another line and was disrespectful, deceitful, and indicated to me that I did not love my girlfriend enough to not be limerent for this OW and respect the boundaries of my relationship. Breaking up with my GF would have allowed me to see what life is like without her and would have made me realize that I don't want anyone but her - I realized this too late.

OW and I were both pursuing each other at this point and she had me convinced that we were "meant to be together" since we both had lifelong crushes on each other. She asked me to meet up, and I did, we had sex. This was me putting the nail in the coffin of my relationship. It was an act of immaturity, disrespect, and cowardice, that I would do this to give myself a reason that would force me to leave my relationship. Our meet ups continued in vehicles and hotel rooms for 2 months. We were both previously STD tested but used protection anyways. OW divorced her husband, I was going to break up with my GF.

I looked at my GF and myself and realized I had become a monster, a betrayer. She didn't deserve this. Despite our issues and our lack of effort to fix them, she did not at all deserve what I was doing to her. She still trusted me and loved me with her whole heart. I ended the affair with OW, and she is fine now, no hard feelings and she will never reveal the secret for fear of her destroying her own relationships with friends and family. She is happy to be single now, and genuinely wished the best for me and my GF. Ending the affair also ended my limerence, and I no longer have any feelings or attraction to OW, and we are in NC. OW and I have agreed to never see or speak to each other ever again. She has not come around any mutual friends' events since the affair ended, and will not ever, she's moved on. The only reason she attended the events in the past year was to see me.

I regret the whole affair and I can't believe I did not stop it at any point, before the kiss, before the snapchat messages, before meeting up and getting physical. I cannot believe I made those choices, it almost feels like someone else made them - like I was possessed under the spell of limerence. I had never even thought about crossing any boundary before this OW came into the picture. If OW had never pursued me, I never would have crossed any boundary - my cheating was specific to this one person.

 

 

Realizations after the Affair

I ended the affair 3.5 months ago. My GF and I went to couples counselling and worked out our issues. I did not disclose the affair.

I am starting individual counselling tomorrow.

I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and have been prescribed an anti-depressant (Trintellix 5 mg) thought I have not started taking it yet. Should I? The doctor seemed to prescribe it with no explanation of why this specific drug would benefit me.

I am horrified at how I have treated the girl who trusts and loves me. How could I do that to her? My romantic feelings for her were fading but it was my duty to stay loyal to her and to fight 110% for our relationship, to stay within the boundaries and give her the respect of a break up instead of going behind her back as a deceitful despicable coward monster. I look back at the choices I made and I am utterly dumbfounded at how I could have possibly made the choices I did. It almost feels as if it was a different person who made them. All of these bad choices made in 4 month period when I never before have even thought of crossing that line. This dormant "crush" I had turned into an obsession where my morals, judgement, character, and integrity disappeared overnight.

90% of my waking thoughts every day are about how I betrayed my GF. I think about it all day every day, with no relief. It is impossible to un-know what I have done.

The guilt keeps me awake at night. I cannot sleep without sleep aid medication. If I don't use sleep aid medication and don't sleep, the suicidal thoughts the next day are extreme. I've had to give my gun keys to a trusted friend so I don't shoot myself. A few weeks ago I thought about jumping off a building but that would devastate my parents. If I'm having suicidal thoughts now because of how I betrayed my GF even thought nobody knows, how am I going to survive a confession where I lose my GF, all of our friends, respect from my parents, my house, my job, etc? I do not know that this situation is survivable.

I cry every single day, I get it all out before my GF comes home.

I vomit weekly - thinking of how I have acted makes me physically ill.

How could I be so focused on the OW and not even think or consider how valuable the life my GF and I had built together was? WTF happened in my brain for me to become a completely different person than I had been historically? 

The only time I am "happy" is when I'm with my GF. I treat her like the angel she is, and she is very happy with me. She says the past few months are the best the relationship has been, and she cannot imagine a life without me. I also cannot imagine a life without her. We both want to get married in the next few years and have children, though I do not know that this is possible now.

The cannot believe how I callously betrayed my GF when she trusted and loved me. I cannot believe I threw away our history and future. She deserved so much better than that.

 

Options and Consequences

Option 1 - Don't confess, live with the guilt - With this option, I will have to somehow forgive myself and let go of the past horrible choices, so that the % of my waking thoughts about the affair decreases and I can be more present with my GF. This does not seem possible for me right now, but I assume other WS have managed this. Perhaps IC will help. If I can manage to sleep at night without sleep aid medication, then perhaps I'll know I have made some progress. Confessing will destroy my GF and I can't bring myself to do it. OW will never reveal the secret due to their own self-preservation.

Consequences of Option 1 - My GF is spared the betrayal trauma, relationship stays intact, but I am still forever changed and the relationship may suffer due to my secret if I cannot let go of the guilt. Best case: I let go of the guilt, I reduce thoughts about how I betrayed my GF, I can be present with my GF, we live a happy and loving life together. Worst Case: The guilt eats at me and the secret drives a wedge between us because I'm not really "me" anymore.

 

Option 2 - Confess, beg for forgiveness - I know my GF deserves to know the truth, it will break her. There is almost zero chance of R.

Consequences of Option 2 - My GF will know the truth and she will have a choice of how she wants to live her life. She will be utterly destroyed and may hurt herself due to the betrayal. I will lose everything: GF, our friends, respect from parents, house, probably job because I can already barely function. She will lose her love, future plans, dreams with me, etc, but will have a good support network of friends and family.

 

Option 3 - Don't confess, break up with GF - If this relationship is doomed, it may be the safest option for both my GF and myself.

Consequences of Option 3 - Last time we briefly broke up she was handling it well, she was accepting it and was sad but there was no betrayal trauma, she didn't think of hurting herself. For me, I will be devastated and may need to go to mental hospital, but at least I would have my support network (friends, family) and might survive this break up.

 

Please let me know your thoughts. I already know I am scum, but please don't encourage me to commit suicide I am trying to stay alive for my parents sake.

 

[basil67]

I'm sorry you're in this situation.  However, I think that you need to get on top of your mental health and start counselling before making any decisions about what to do with regards to your girlfriend.  You're not in a fit state to make a good decision.

Google says that the meds the Dr gave you are for treating a major depressive order.   While I'm not suggesting that one should do everything a doctor says without question, there also comes a point where we need to trust their professional advice, particularly if it's a doctor who has served you well in the past.  For what it's worth, the first antidepressant I tried worked very well for me, but I've known others who had to try a couple of different brands before finding the right one.  Your doctor can work through this with you.   That said, given you're suicidal, I think it could be wise to get a referral to a psychiatrist.   Or even get yourself a referral to a residential mental health facility

Hang in there

 

[FMW]

 I agree with @basil67, the first and most important thing is to address your depression and suicidal thoughts. You don't have to make a decision immediately about your girlfriend.  

Be open and honest with your counselor.  Seek out information about Major Depressive Disorder and the medication you were prescribed, there is a lot of basic information to be found on the internet.  Ask questions of the doctor who gave you the prescription.  Unfortunately we all have to be proactive in our own care, doctors don't always volunteer information or provide much education on what we're dealing with, whether physical or mental.  

[S2B]

Let us know how counseling goes. Consider ending it with your GF. You haven’t been honest with her.

best wishes.

[Gebidozo]

Definitely first take care of your mental health. You are in no position to make such huge decisions right now. Once you are completely sure you have no suicidal thoughts anymore, perhaps it would be a good idea to spend some time alone - maybe travel to some quiet, remote location, preferably in the countryside, meditate, do some soul-searching, learn to understand yourself better.

Over three years ago, I was in a somewhat similar situation. Things with my then-GF were deteriorating, I met an amazing woman, we had mutual feelings, but I decided that breaking up with my then-GF would be a horrible thing to do, so I broke off all contact with the OW.

A year later, my then-GF broke up with me, following further deterioration of the relationship. Sex became nearly non-existent, there were major disagreements about important life issues, incompatibility in intellectual and spiritual lives was becoming apparent, and so on, and so forth.

I realized that the OW had always been the woman I wanted. We started talking again. We got together shortly after our reunion. We are still together and engaged now.

 I’m not saying that your situation mirrors mine and that your OW is your true love. But that’s a possibility. There are too many things in your story that point to your unhappiness with your GF. You haven’t really solved any issues. You are saying that romantic feelings have been fading in your relationship. You describe the OW as a “lifelong crush”. You clearly had, and perhaps still have, strong feelings for her. She left her husband so that she could be with you.

You are now eaten by guilt partly because you believe that it’s your duty to stay with your GF forever. I used to think like you. I thought that you have to be in your current relationship no matter what. Then I saw the relationship I committed to most crush and burn. I now don’t believe that I should stay in a relationship out of sense of duty. Of course we need to work hard and cultivate and preserve romantic love in current relationship, but sometimes the differences are irreconcilable and romantic feelings fade and disintegrate. Wouldn’t it be a more ethical thing to end the relationship then?

I’m not suggesting that to you now, but I do think that you need some time with yourself, think about what really happened, what feelings you actually have, how your relationship with your GF actually is. Please don’t rush into any decision now and stick to your doctor’s advices.

[ExpatInItaly]

Please speak to your own cousellor about all of this tomorrow. 

You need to work on getting yourself to a much more stable emotional place before you decide what to do about your relationship. Trust your doctors here. 

[BreakOnThrough]

No kids, no wife, just breakup and move on, learn from your mistake and get help for it so it doesn't repeat.

Edited May 1 by BreakOnThrough

[AnxiousAnn]

Confess to your individual therapist and get your thoughts and depression in order first. Try the medication. You have to let a professional know what is going on. Don't make any moves just yet until you get more clarity from the therapist. 

Good luck. No one is perfect. You are still worthy of love and a happy life.