Frustrated…

[Keeves1]

Hello!

In this thread I want to talk about my friend Nivek and Trevor who is also in our friend group. Nivek are the main focus

I’m not sure if I sound intense but I’m feeling a bit frustrated about the lack of communication and taking initiative.
 

There has been indeed few instances such as: 

• At the new year I got invited to Nivek’s sister house to celebrate. Everyone was there expect me because I got off work. On my way there Nivek was not that good in guiding me to the apartment as I have not been there before. It eventually worked out but I had to wait in the freezing cold until Nivek’s sister told me how to get there. 

Nivek’s excuse was that he is not often there visting he’s sister and when he does Trevor usually drives him there. I do trust him that Trevor were driving Nivek to the apartment THAT day but saying «Usually»? Well I don’t think Trevor usually drives Nivek.. I don’t even think Trevor drives Nivek around that much. I do not know for sure but it does not add up because Trevor lives 2 hours away from Oslo. How could he «Usually» drive Nivek? That is why I suspect Nivek’s reason was not so reliable.
 

Why does it matter? 

- It matter because if Trevor drove Nivek to her sisters apartment that day then it means that Nivek know the way by using collective transport. Now I don’t know how much he visits he’s sister but it’s no way that he only visit her apartment once in a year. Nivek just did not want me there or he tried to communicate but for some reason had problems

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• This is a recent one. This past saturday and sunday. Nivek hung out with our friend group without me. I asked him why he did not include me and he told me that he completely misunderstood as he thought I was working in the weekend as was not available. There is a context to this. 
 

On saturday Trevor ask me to hang out but I said that I wanted to relax on my day off. I assume Trevor told Nivek and that is when the misunderstanding happened according to Nivek. I then told him that I wanted to relax ONLY on saturday. I never said I wanted to relax both saturday and sunday. Because of this Nivek did not ask me to hang out on sunday because he were thinking that I wanted to relax on the weekend when I said to Trevor that I want to relax on saturday. I hope this was not confusing though 😅 And the weird thing is that why did Trevor ask me to hang out when I have communicated to Nivek that he should be better taking initiative? 

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We did communicate and agreed on one thing. 

I told him long ago that there was a lack of taking a initiative from everyone because I was the only one in the friend group to ask to hang out and ask to play games. Nivek agreed and said that he should be better and he took initiative one time asking me and other to hang out but that’s it. It matters because if I’m always doing it the friendship will be one sided.

I wonder what will happened if I stop asking them to play Call of Duty and stop asking them to hang out. The outcome would surely be that the friendship fades away

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I don’t know if I sound intense or if I should be worried about this friendship with Nivek. What do you think?

Edited May 1, 2024 by Keeves1

[NuevoYorko]

You sound intense and needy.

Why are you holding on to the poor transportation instructions given to you months ago?   People are able to travel in places they've never been before, thanks to satnav and plenty of Internet options for getting directions.  It's not necessary to be so dependent upon friends giving you precise instructions.

Obviously this friendship is important to you.   If I were you I would keep taking initiative, ask to play games etc. and try to think of something interesting once in a while (not "hang out") to propose to your friends.   

If you keep trying to have serious talks about your friendships you are more likely to drive them away more than bring them closer.  

Also work on cultivating some new friends so you're not so dependent on these guys for all your social interactions.

[Keeves1]

56 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

You sound intense and needy.

Why are you holding on to the poor transportation instructions given to you months ago?   People are able to travel in places they've never been before, thanks to satnav and plenty of Internet options for getting directions.  It's not necessary to be so dependent upon friends giving you precise instructions.

Obviously this friendship is important to you.   If I were you I would keep taking initiative, ask to play games etc. and try to think of something interesting once in a while (not "hang out") to propose to your friends.   

If you keep trying to have serious talks about your friendships you are more likely to drive them away more than bring them closer.  

Also work on cultivating some new friends so you're not so dependent on these guys for all your social interactions.

Thanks! 
 

However I’m not holding on to it. I just remember it and writing it here as an example of what has happened. 
 

Yes this friendship means alot to me

[Els]

4 hours ago, Keeves1 said:

At the new year I got invited to Nivek’s sister house to celebrate. Everyone was there expect me because I got off work. On my way there Nivek was not that good in guiding me to the apartment as I have not been there before. It eventually worked out but I had to wait in the freezing cold until Nivek’s sister told me how to get there. 

Ummm... do you not have a smartphone with a map app? Or even just a regular ol' paper map? Most people in this day and age aren't relying on step-by-step instructions from their friends to get places.

Re: your friends inviting you or not, I suspect it might have something to do with how needy and intense you are, as @NuevoYorko says. Honestly, if I had a friend who got so incredibly peeved off that I didn't hold their hand to the new apartment, I'd distance myself from them too. Life is tiring and complicated enough without having to introduce additional drama through friends. I just don't need that in my life.

 

Edited May 1, 2024 by Els

[basil67]

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt.  Some apartment complexes can be complicated - one of my friends lives in one which for the first time visit, a bit of extra direction is very helpful.  And recently I was trying to find a particular store in a complicated town centre and couldn't find it.  Now, I use Google Maps all the time and am comfortable with it, but after walking in circles looking for this store, I eventually gave up and went somewhere else.  So yes, it can happen that the destination cannot be easily found.

Also, I think you're on the autism spectrum.  If you know that it can be difficult for you to find places, don't hesitate to ask for extra directions or support upfront.

Saying that you were resting on your day off, does sound like you only had that day off.  So I can understand why the didn't think to ask you on Sunday.  Had you said that you want to rest on Saturday, they probably would have asked you on Sunday.

And yes, it sucks when our friends don't initiate much.   Perhaps they are happy to play the game, but it's no longer a priority for them.

 

[Foxhall]

On 5/1/2024 at 2:23 PM, Keeves1 said:

when I said to Trevor that I want to relax on saturday.

that type of answer tends to put people off,

I understand the logic of doing your own thing and voicing that; nonetheless, if you are quite anxious to have these friends turning down invitations will possibly get their backs up and they will not be as keen to invite you again,

you should have gone on Saturday -fitted in with your friends plans- and could have relaxed sunday,

thing with friendships there has to be give and take and sometimes you just have to suit the other person.