Girl I went on a few dates with said she has genuine feelings for me, but isn't mentally ready for a relationship?

[Sony12]

4 minutes ago, howlzy said:

Maybe she didn’t see it the same way, but to me the chemistry was there. Conversation flowed effortlessly and we made each other smile and laugh the whole time. Our second date lasted for over 8 hours. I don’t know why she wouldn’t think there was chemistry, but oh well. 

What the hell do you mean I’m probably not ready for it yet?

Your definition of chemistry doesn't seem to be inline with what most people consider chemistry to be. Most people consider chemistry to be physical interaction and the desire to become intimate with one another. In which there was little of from what you described.

What you described is what many people would consider friendship. A lot of people are going to bed with each other by the third date. Not just doing a little hand holding.

[howlzy]

Just now, Sony12 said:

Your definition of chemistry doesn't seem to be inline with what most people consider chemistry to be. Most people consider chemistry to be physical interaction and the desire to become intimate with one another. In which there was little of from what you described.

What you described is what many people would consider friendship. A lot of people are going to bed with each other by the third date. Not just doing a little hand holding.

I got a response. It’s her ex. 

Edited April 29 by howlzy

[Sony12]

24 minutes ago, howlzy said:

I got a response. It’s her ex. 

Good. She was nice enough to give you an answer. Now leave the young lady alone from now on.

[howlzy]

Just now, Sony12 said:

Good. She was nice enough to give you an answer. Now leave the young lady alone from now on.

Dude you’re pissing me the f*** off I’m not gonna lie to you. 

[Sony12]

1 minute ago, howlzy said:

Dude you’re pissing me the f*** off I’m not gonna lie to you. 

Why are you getting worked up over someone you don't know?

[giotto]

Count yourself lucky. You've dodged a bullet... It's difficult to know where you stand when you are getting mixed signals. Your gut instinct turned out to be true.

[d0nnivain]

3 hours ago, howlzy said:

I got a response. It’s her ex. 

So now you know.  She rebounded into you or worse, used you to make him jealous.  Either way, even if you had tried for more, she wasn't open to it.  She was always hung up on him.  

Your only option now is to plaster on a neutral face & be polite but distant at work.  

[FredEire]

So for next time you've learned a couple of things.

1. Strike while the iron is hot. If you think she wants to kiss you, go for it. Don't get so wrapped up in doubts that you do nothing.

2. If you think someone is losing interest, trust your gut.

3. Don't take it personally. It could have been because you didn't make your move while the chance was there, or her ex, or something completely different. The only certainty is that she wasn't that interested so no point over analysing it.

4. Just go easy with it and don't act in a way that's inappropriate to the stage you're at of dating. Demanding answers is when you have evidence someone is cheating on you in a marriage, not going on three dates with a coworker.

[howlzy]

2 minutes ago, FredEire said:

So for next time you've learned a couple of things.

1. Strike while the iron is hot. If you think she wants to kiss you, go for it. Don't get so wrapped up in doubts that you do nothing.

2. If you think someone is losing interest, trust your gut.

3. Don't take it personally. It could have been because you didn't make your move while the chance was there, or her ex, or something completely different. The only certainty is that she wasn't that interested so no point over analysing it.

4. Just go easy with it and don't act in a way that's inappropriate to the stage you're at of dating. Demanding answers is when you have evidence someone is cheating on you in a marriage, not going on three dates with a coworker.

Thanks. Truth is I was losing interest as well. Even if she said that she wasn’t losing interest, I would've broken it off anyway. We’re just not compatible. 

[FredEire]

1 minute ago, howlzy said:

Thanks. Truth is I was losing interest as well. Even if she said that she wasn’t losing interest, I would've broken it off anyway. We’re just not compatible. 

Probably the best case scenario, be glad you weren't already absolutely besotted with her when this happened.

Best you can do is take the lessons onboard, move on and keep them in mind for the next time you meet someone nice.

[howlzy]

4 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Probably the best case scenario, be glad you weren't already absolutely besotted with her when this happened.

Best you can do is take the lessons onboard, move on and keep them in mind for the next time you meet someone nice.

Nah. I would’ve made moves a bit earlier if I was. She’s better as a friend. 

[FredEire]

4 minutes ago, howlzy said:

Nah. I would’ve made moves a bit earlier if I was. She’s better as a friend. 

Well you speak in OP about wanting to kiss her but then backing down. Next time just seize the moment and see where it goes.

[howlzy]

Just now, FredEire said:

Well you speak in OP about wanting to kiss her but then backing down. Next time just seize the moment and see where it goes.

Yeah, you’re not wrong. I did like her at one point but I sort of just lost interest in her and it made me not want to do anything further. Really I should’ve kissed her earlier to keep the spark from the start.

[FredEire]

13 minutes ago, howlzy said:

Yeah, you’re not wrong. I did like her at one point but I sort of just lost interest in her and it made me not want to do anything further. Really I should’ve kissed her earlier to keep the spark from the start.

Sometimes it fizzles out, it sucks but that's the dating game.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, howlzy said:

Really I should’ve kissed her earlier to keep the spark from the start.

I don't think this would have much difference, actually. 

Why? Because it appears she is not over her ex. Kissing her sooner would not have moved the dial in this case, in my point of view. 

[howlzy]

 

Been on a few dates with a shy girl who only recently broke up with her abusive ex boyfriend. Yeah. I walked into this.

Anyway, I noticed her interest waning over the last week and she’s not the only girl I’m seeing so I essentially asked her straight up if she wanted to see me any more romantically or just wanted to be friends, and reiterated I was completely fine with either option, because to be honest I’ve sort of been losing interest in her as well.

She sent me a message saying that she isn’t mentally ready for commitment, and is worried about taking it too far before she’s ready otherwise she’ll just end up hurting herself and me. She also said she has genuine feelings for me.

How do you people interpret this? Is she friendzoning me forever or do you think there is a chance she will come back once she’s healed a bit? Either way I’m not thinking about her, just wondering. Maybe she wasn’t looking for something as serious as me. 

She’s 19 and I’m 21 by the way.

[Alpacalia]

For whatever it's worth, she just doesn't have the desire to be more than friends right now.

If you're wondering if she might come back when she's healed, then that means you still have feelings for her.  If you did not, you wouldn't care if she came back.  I'm guessing you *did* because you're wanting to know how to interpret her message.

Take it at face value.  She's not ready for anything serious, or anything romantic.  You may be ready, but she is not.  You just have to accept that.  

If *you're* not ready for anything but a romantic relationship, tell her that and don't be in each other's lives. If you do, then be just friends. But if you're hoping she'll eventually come round when she feels better, that means you really don't want to be just friends. What you really want is to be her romantic interest. And that's not what she wants now, regardless of why.

You can be friends if you want, but I think that's a bad idea.

[howlzy]

17 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

For whatever it's worth, she just doesn't have the desire to be more than friends right now.

If you're wondering if she might come back when she's healed, then that means you still have feelings for her.  If you did not, you wouldn't care if she came back.  I'm guessing you *did* because you're wanting to know how to interpret her message.

Take it at face value.  She's not ready for anything serious, or anything romantic.  You may be ready, but she is not.  You just have to accept that.  

If *you're* not ready for anything but a romantic relationship, tell her that and don't be in each other's lives. If you do, then be just friends. But if you're hoping she'll eventually come round when she feels better, that means you really don't want to be just friends. What you really want is to be her romantic interest. And that's not what she wants now, regardless of why.

You can be friends if you want, but I think that's a bad idea.

We were friends first, that’s the reason I started being into her romantically. Our personalities just clicked. I still want to be friends with her, and yes I am interested in her just not as much as before. Our dates always sort of felt like friends hanging out lolz

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, howlzy said:

I still want to be friends with her

Would you still want to be friends if she goes back to her ex, or starts dating another guy altogether? If not, don't bother entertaining a friendship with her. 

4 hours ago, howlzy said:

Is she friendzoning me forever or do you think there is a chance she will come back

It's impossible to say, but work with the here and now. What you do you know is that dating her is not in the cards now. In my experience, it is best to assume this is where it ends and keep moving. 

[MsJayne]

Take it at face value and go ahead and move on. She's probably just be being nice by saying she has feelings but she's not ready, because if she really had feelings she'd be very ready. On the other hand she could have developed trust issues in her previous relationship and may have realised that she hasn't moved past the impact of the abuse. Either way, continue dating other people, because if she does change her mind she knows where you are if you haven't met someone else. 

[BreakOnThrough]

Approach most scenarios with women as "If I were Brad Pitt, how would she act"  Find one that responds to you in this manner, otherwise move on.

[BreakOnThrough]

"I’m considering messaging her, telling her that I’ve noticed that she’s been distant over the past week and whether or not she still sees me the same way I see her."

DON"T SEND THIS!!!!

Instead, play aloof and match what she's doing, but just add a bit more distance yourself, not only will you keep YOUR dignity and frame, if she still is interested, it will turn the tables and she'll chase you instead.  If she doesn't, you got your answer and keep your ba!!s in the process.

[LuckyM]

This is the oldest excuse out there.It's the --- It's not you it's me.  That means she is not interested in you. Maybe as a casual friend or nothing.  Forget her for now. She is being nice

[howlzy]

7 minutes ago, LuckyM said:

This is the oldest excuse out there.It's the --- It's not you it's me.  That means she is not interested in you. Maybe as a casual friend or nothing.  Forget her for now. She is being nice

Look, I’m gonna forget her anyway. I’m just ghosting her right now if she wants to come back she can. But why would she even say she likes me for no reason? I didn’t say anything similar to that in my message to her.

[howlzy]

39 minutes ago, BreakOnThrough said:

Approach most scenarios with women as "If I were Brad Pitt, how would she act"  Find one that responds to you in this manner, otherwise move on.

I’ve heard about this and women agree it’s stupid. I’m not Brad Pitt. He’s an attractive clean slate, but she’s already got to know me on 3 dates. Which means she agreed to 3 dates. Obviously she’s SORT OF into me.

Edited May 2 by howlzy