Girl I went on a few dates with said she has genuine feelings for me, but isn't mentally ready for a relationship?

[smackie9]

No matter what with the excuses, it's a big fat NO not interested. 

[smackie9]

She pulls back, she's not interested. Simple as that. I would just stop text her. You don't owe her anything, and she doesn't owe you either. You only went on 3 dates....that's not a commitment to anything. 

[BreakOnThrough]

5 hours ago, howlzy said:

I’ve heard about this and women agree it’s stupid. I’m not Brad Pitt. He’s an attractive clean slate, but she’s already got to know me on 3 dates. Which means she agreed to 3 dates. Obviously she’s SORT OF into me.

You obviously failed to see the point, when a woman is truly into you, she will bend over backwards to spend time with you, won't be evasive, and will make it easy for you to pursue.  Most importantly, there won't ever be excuses that point to the contrary.  You're young, though, you'll find out eventually and learn.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, howlzy said:

But why would she even say she likes me for no reason? 

Because a lot of people mistakenly believe it's a way to soften the blow. That's all she was doing there. 

5 hours ago, howlzy said:

Obviously she’s SORT OF into me

Yes, I would agree that she enjoyed your compnay for those 3 dates. But, it sounds as though she's not over her ex, and perhaps he's resurfaced and asked her try again or something. Whatever the case, it's wisest that you move on.  

[ZA Dater]

If you like her, give her time, keep communicating with her, keep seeing her. You can do all that friend part's and you may find in time she becomes less shy and more outgoing.

[SweetEscape22]

21 hours ago, howlzy said:

 

Been on a few dates with a shy girl who only recently broke up with her abusive ex boyfriend. Yeah. I walked into this.

Anyway, I noticed her interest waning over the last week and she’s not the only girl I’m seeing so I essentially asked her straight up if she wanted to see me any more romantically or just wanted to be friends, and reiterated I was completely fine with either option, because to be honest I’ve sort of been losing interest in her as well.

She sent me a message saying that she isn’t mentally ready for commitment, and is worried about taking it too far before she’s ready otherwise she’ll just end up hurting herself and me. She also said she has genuine feelings for me.

How do you people interpret this? Is she friendzoning me forever or do you think there is a chance she will come back once she’s healed a bit? Either way I’m not thinking about her, just wondering. Maybe she wasn’t looking for something as serious as me. 

She’s 19 and I’m 21 by the way.

She hasn't friend-zoned you yet. She's not ready to date right now, she's still healing from her last relationship. You did the right thing by asking her what she wanted. You've asserted your position and you're not going to be strung along.

But about your "friendzone" comment - I'm not sure what you mean by that. You just met her, you're not in the friendzone. What you should do is give her space. She knows what you're after. If she's interested she'll come to you when she's ready. If you're going to be seeing other girls anyway, just continue doing that. Don't waste time worrying about a girl who isn't ready to date yet.

[Lotsgoingon]

Run. For one, she needs time to recovery from abusive bf--and ideally time to figure out and patch up what it is that led her to get involved with abusive bf. 

And two, she said she is not mentally ready. Run.

Not mentally ready now = may never be ready. 

Not mentally ready now also can = I'm not that into you.

Run!

[Lotsgoingon]

No, you pull back yourself because her distance means she's not ready to date you.

And by "not ready" I mean does not want to date you--for whatever reason. The reason really does not matter. 

The only question you want to ask (and the answer seems clear) is, am I having a fantastic time with this person? If they are distant, you are NOT having a fantastic time with this person. Move on. 

 

[Sony12]

This sounds like the same girl you were talking about in another thread. Didn't she tell you she is still interested in her ex.

Edited May 3 by Sony12

[howlzy]

6 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

This sounds like the same girl you were talking about in another thread. Didn't she tell you she is still interested in her ex.

Same one, yep. No she didn’t say she was interested in her ex lol. Word for word she said: “I’m not really sure what I want anymore, there’s just a lot going on inside my head. I’m struggling with things from my last relationship, it’s just messing with my feelings and I don’t know how to fix it. I just realised I’m mentally not ready and if I don’t acknowledge that I’ll end up hurting myself and you.” Cut out a few more personal things but that’s generally the gist.

To be honest, it does sound like she’s still kind of got feelings for him from the way she worded it. Like what, was she planning on cheating on me with him or something?

Edited May 3 by howlzy

[Sony12]

Just now, howlzy said:

Same one, yep. No she didn’t say she was interested in her ex lol. Word for word she said: “I’m not really sure what I want anymore, there’s just a lot going on inside my head. I’m struggling with things from my last relationship, it’s just messing with my feelings and I don’t know how to fix it. I just realised I’m mentally not ready and if I don’t acknowledge that I’ll end up hurting myself and you.” Cut out a few more personal things but that’s generally the gist.

Why are you making multiple threads about the same person? It sounds like it is a legitimate person you are talking about and isn't just a story you are making up but just continue to talk in the same thread if you are talking about the same person. It looks like there might even be a third thread you started about this girl.

[howlzy]

Just now, Sony12 said:

Why are you making multiple threads about the same person? It sounds like it is a legitimate person you are talking about and isn't just a story you are making up but just continue to talk in the same thread if you are talking about the same person. It looks like there might even be a third thread you started about this girl.

Because they address different topics? What it’s matter to you anyway? Who cares if it’s about the same girl or not? I could’ve just said if wasn’t and you wouldn’t know the difference anyway.

[Sony12]

Just now, howlzy said:

Because they address different topics? What it’s matter to you anyway? Who cares if it’s about the same girl or not? I could’ve just said if wasn’t and you wouldn’t know the difference anyway.

When it's different threads a lot of people think it is different scenarios made by a different user (most people don't pay attention to usernames throughout different threads).

The lady told you she isn't over her ex yet. You got your answer in the previous thread you made.

[howlzy]

9 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

When it's different threads a lot of people think it is different scenarios made by a different user (most people don't pay attention to usernames throughout different threads).

The lady told you she isn't over her ex yet. You got your answer in the previous thread you made.

Fair enough. Idk how to delete them though.

[Sony12]

You can request a moderator to close a previous thread down. And if you in turn start a new thread about the same exact person it's good to let people know that it is the same situation you were talking about before.

There are a lot of people here that just show up for a single thread and then they never come around again once they have told their story. So when you start entirely new threads many will think it is an entirely new story.

Edited May 3 by Sony12

[FredEire]

I also don't understand why you're making multiple threads, expecting a different answer?

This is done unfortunately, if she wanted to pursue it she wouldn't be giving reasons why she can't she would be trying to justify to herself that her ex doesn't matter.

It seems you were obviously really into her and bothered by it. It sucks but just drop it and give yourself time to get over it.

[Gaeta]

Women are much more complexed in their thinking and communication than men. With a man it's simple if he thinks red he'll say red. A woman will rarely reject you to your face, she will go around with polite statements to avoid hurting your feelings. My daughter just turned 20 last week so in my household we're in the middle of all that 20is dating drama. I am pretty sure that this girl changed her mind because her ex got back in touch with her. 

This is a definite no-go. You drop everything and go date others.

Edited May 3 by Gaeta

[Sony12]

18 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Women are much more complexed in their thinking and communication than men. With a man it's simple if he thinks red he'll say red. A woman will rarely reject you to your face, she will go around with polite statements to avoid hurting your feelings. My daughter just turned 20 last week so in my household we're in the middle of all that 20is dating drama. I am pretty sure that this girl changed her mind because her ex got back in touch with her. 

This is a definite no-go. You drop everything and go date others.

To be fair the way men and women handle rejecting or breaking up with someone isn't terribly different. Men often won't reject or end a new romance to the individuals face either and will just try to increase the distance between them as well. 

Both men and women go crazy when it comes to romance and struggle to figure out what is going through the others mind and at times will choose to see something that isn't really there.

Edited May 3 by Sony12

[howlzy]

Just now, Sony12 said:

To be fair the way men and women handle rejecting or breaking up with someone isn't terribly different. Men often won't reject or end a new romance to the individuals face either and will just try to increase the distance between them as well. 

Both men and women go crazy when it comes to romance and struggle to fight out what is going through the others mind and at times will choose to see something that isn't really there.

In the past whenever I’ve wanted to end it with someone I tell them. That’s just how I work. I wonder what her endgame would be if I never confronted her? I mean we literally still work together lmao.

[Sony12]

Just now, howlzy said:

In the past whenever I’ve wanted to end it with someone I tell them. That’s just how I work. I wonder what her endgame would be if I never confronted her? I mean we literally still work together lmao.

She would have continued to increase the distance between you. You need to learn how to move on from situations. 

[howlzy]

Just now, Sony12 said:

She would have continued to increase the distance between you. You need to learn how to move on from situations. 

By “work together,” I mean we literally work for 5 hours just with ourselves next to each other because everyone else has gone home lol. You can’t really increase the distance or whatever. That’s literally why I asked her because I wanted to know how to act around her for the next time we worked together.

[Sony12]

6 minutes ago, howlzy said:

By “work together,” I mean we literally work for 5 hours just with ourselves next to each other because everyone else has gone home lol. You can’t really increase the distance or whatever. That’s literally why I asked her because I wanted to know how to act around her for the next time we worked together.

And if you don't think you can handle it because of a situation like that than you shouldn't get involved with someone you work that closely with.

If you are struggling this much with it you might want to find a new job.

 

Edited May 3 by Sony12

[howlzy]

Just now, Sony12 said:

And if you don't think you can handle it because of a situation like that than you shouldn't get involved with someone you work that closely with.

 

Fair enough. The reason I went for it is because I’m leaving in a month.

[Sony12]

3 minutes ago, howlzy said:

Fair enough. The reason I went for it is because I’m leaving in a month.

Would leaving before that hurt your future job prospects that much? You are pretty young so chances are you aren't yet in a 'career' type of job.

If you are having trouble working with her just leave a little earlier than that if it won't hurt looking for future work that much.

[howlzy]

1 minute ago, Sony12 said:

Would leaving before that hurt your future job prospects that much? You are pretty young so chances are you aren't yet in a 'career' type of job.

If you are having trouble working with her just leave a little earlier than that if it won't hurt looking for future work that much.

I’m a month away from being a police officer.