What do I do now?

[SCMandy]

2 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Ok does he know that though? Most people who go out with individuals half their age aren't getting together with them for their mind or their personality. Good chance he has hopes that you would be an extremely sexual young lady 

Yes, he knows that and feels the same way.  Our connection is much more than physical, it’s just that one aspect of him physically that has me wondering if I am not the right fit for him, purely from a physical standpoint 

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, SCMandy said:

And the mental stimulation with him is there for sure which has me even more torn and confused lol

Tell us about your past boyfriends. 

[Sony12]

3 minutes ago, SCMandy said:

Yes, he knows that and feels the same way.  Our connection is much more than physical, it’s just that one aspect of him physically that has me wondering if I am not the right fit for him, purely from a physical standpoint 

Ok let me put a thought into your mind. Do you think he is really telling you how he really feels or do you think he is just telling you what you want to hear? If he is looking for a strong mental connection he can find it with someone his own age (or at least much closer to his age than you are).

[SCMandy]

3 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Ok let me put a thought into your mind. Do you think he is really telling you how he really feels or do you think he is just telling you what you want to hear? If he is looking for a strong mental connection he can find it with someone his own age (or at least much closer to his age than you are).

I do genuinely believe he is being honest.  I have no reason to think otherwise 

[SCMandy]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Tell us about your past boyfriends. 

I’ve only had two previous ‘serious’ boyfriends.  Both were my age.  One in high school and one in college, they both lasted a little over a year.  I was never truly happy in either of them for a number of reasons.  Mostly because I felt like they liked me for a certain attribute more than they actually liked me, and that was based on things they said, not just to me but others as well and how they acted with me

[Sony12]

Just now, SCMandy said:

I do genuinely believe he is being honest.  I have no reason to think otherwise 

Let's hope so. But be prepared for him just saying what he thinks you want to hear. He has no investment in this situation with you so if things fizzle out between you two he can very easily find a new young lady to swoon.

[SCMandy]

3 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Let's hope so. But be prepared for him just saying what he thinks you want to hear. He has no investment in this situation with you so if things fizzle out between you two he can very easily find a new young lady to swoon.

Thank you for the warning for sure, I get it 

[Sony12]

7 minutes ago, SCMandy said:

Thank you for the warning for sure, I get it 

Yep I will tell you one thing that I am almost a 100% confident about. He has done this before. Men don't become that good at talking to women half their age out of pure coincidence. They become that good at it out of practice. 

People with that large of an age difference are by nature going to have a lot of differences. It takes experience to make it seem like you might have more in common than you actually do.

 

Edited May 7 by Sony12

[SCMandy]

5 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Yep I will tell you one thing that I am almost a 100% confident about. He has done this before. Men don't become that good at talking to women half their age out of pure coincidence. They become that good at it out of practice. 

People with that large of an age difference are by nature going to have a lot of differences. It takes experience to make it seem like you might have more in common than you actually do.

 

I don’t know that I agree with that but you might be right 

[happyhorizons]

11 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Yep I will tell you one thing that I am almost a 100% confident about. He has done this before. Men don't become that good at talking to women half their age out of pure coincidence. They become that good at it out of practice. 

People with that large of an age difference are by nature going to have a lot of differences. It takes experience to make it seem like you might have more in common than you actually do.

 

Maybe just maybe, he really enjoys her for a variety of reasons. A novel concept I know but maybe they just click

Edited May 7 by happyhorizons

[Sony12]

4 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Maybe just maybe, he really enjoys her for a variety of reasons. A novel concept I know but maybe they just click

That's possible. But nine times out of ten when people date someone more than twenty years younger it's not because they just click.

 

[Sony12]

So @SCMandyif this guy is really worth all the time you have been investing in him then you two should get together again very soon.

Do you have another get together scheduled?

[SCMandy]

1 minute ago, Sony12 said:

So @SCMandyif this guy is really worth all the time you have been investing in him then you two should get together again very soon.

Do you have another get together scheduled?

We do yes

[Sony12]

1 minute ago, SCMandy said:

We do yes

Good. If you two go to bed don't freak out again.

[Alpacalia]

Age isn't the issue here, it's the difference in mindset.

Many women go through a phase of dating older men because it makes them feel sophisticated and mature. But they eventually grow out of it, and the smoothest transitions happen when others don't push them away or force them to end the relationship.

You mentioned meeting at a work conference - was it through an organization or his job?

These relationships aren't common, but they do exist. People can think it's weird or gross, but the truth is that sometimes the two people involved actually care for each other. I don't know if that's the case here, maybe you just like him. Maybe you have some kind of fetish. Or maybe he spoils you and buys you nice things. The point is, there are many reasons why you could be enjoying this.

Now, onto the challenges.

First, both have to accept that the other will age. The older person is likely attracted to younger people for their looks, energy, or something else, which can lead to thoughts like "they'll stay young forever" or "things will never change". The older person may have to make sacrifices to not take away the youth of their partner. The younger person needs to be emotionally mature and understanding.

Second, you will face judgement - people constantly staring or making comments, parents disapproving, friends making it known they aren't comfortable. 

Third, the difference of mindset. The younger one will eventually lose the sense of "We want the same things", "we understand each other completely" and "we both have the same challenges in life".

They don't have the wisdom and knowledge to understand or appreciate a lot of the things that are going on and commonly taken for granted. The older one could have difficulties understanding or accepting the changes because he or she is used to being the personality who navigates and that is suddenly changed. You can't do what both of you need to do as someone younger just because of the generation difference or when you are just starting to discover what you want to do with life.

Next, let's look at your future with each other...

He's obviously in a different stage of life - what is your place in that?

If the age gap is 15 years or more, it's not easy to find friends together. Playdates with family member's children could work. You'll have different friends that don't know how to take the person. The older one will hang out with his friends and the younger will try to play with people her age but probably can't do it simply because they have moved on or grown out of that mindset. So often, couples with a big age gap need to have a good foundation of values, morals, and interests. These relationships work best when they share a common purpose. If you guys can't get around those age differences - when you can't function well because of them - I'm afraid it's time to end things and move on. 

I wonder, if there is a part of you though, that while you're taken aback by the size of his package, that there's a part of you that secretly gets turned on by it? Now you have some guy that is much older with a large penis and the woman is 24 - and I am sure there is some ego fluff there for him given a young woman is implying to him that he's really hung because it couldn't just be experience - it has to be volume, too.

[SCMandy]

We met at an industry conference for work, it was not through his job although his company was a sponsor for it.

And things are not transactional between us.  He hasn’t and doesn’t buy me anything, nor would I ever expect him to.  I’m not that type of girl.  I pay my own way.

And thank you so much for the perspective you shared.  None of it is lost on me for sure but all very good points and reminders for me, so, genuinely, thank you 

[Sony12]

10 minutes ago, SCMandy said:

We met at an industry conference for work, it was not through his job although his company was a sponsor for it.

And things are not transactional between us.  He hasn’t and doesn’t buy me anything, nor would I ever expect him to.  I’m not that type of girl.  I pay my own way.

And thank you so much for the perspective you shared.  None of it is lost on me for sure but all very good points and reminders for me, so, genuinely, thank you 

How did you guys get in touch after the conference? Clearly you exchanged numbers at some point but was it originally for romantic purposes? 

[SCMandy]

5 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

How did you guys get in touch after the conference? Clearly you exchanged numbers at some point but was it originally for romantic purposes? 

No, it was not for romantic purposes.  We first connected professionally, through a professional site.  After about a week or two there we exchanged numbers and had a video call

[Sony12]

2 minutes ago, SCMandy said:

No, it was not for romantic purposes.  We first connected professionally, through a professional site.  After about a week or two there we exchanged numbers and had a video call

Ok. Just curious if he was there looking for young ladies to flirt with.

[NuevoYorko]

I'm just wondering why you presented your situation as a hookup and now are getting defensive because you don't like people thinking it was a hookup.  And, it really sounded like a hookup, the way you described it.

But now you are reframing this as if you are dating and embarking on a romantic relationship.

In any case, I hope it all goes well for you and that you enjoy whatever it is.

[SCMandy]

3 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I'm just wondering why you presented your situation as a hookup and now are getting defensive because you don't like people thinking it was a hookup.  And, it really sounded like a hookup, the way you described it.

But now you are reframing this as if you are dating and embarking on a romantic relationship.

In any case, I hope it all goes well for you and that you enjoy whatever it is.

I didn’t share the entire backstory and probably should have, my apologies 

[Alpacalia]

48 minutes ago, SCMandy said:

We met at an industry conference for work, it was not through his job although his company was a sponsor for it.

And things are not transactional between us.  He hasn’t and doesn’t buy me anything, nor would I ever expect him to.  I’m not that type of girl.  I pay my own way.

And thank you so much for the perspective you shared.  None of it is lost on me for sure but all very good points and reminders for me, so, genuinely, thank you 

You're welcome. And I genuinely hope it works out. When I was 16, my first serious boyfriend was someone older (I think at the time he was 20ish?). We were together for 4 years.

He treated me well, always encouraged me, his parents adored me, and I adored them. He taught me how to drive using his car.

Maybe there was a part of me that looked up to him as an older, more experienced man, but we truly loved each other (at least, my version of love as a 16 year old....) and the way he treated me and pushed me to do well. Now, would we have lasted long-term? Hard to say. I did eventually grow out of the relationship and wanted to be 20 and "free." 

I guess my point is that older/younger relationships can work when both parties are respectful, supportive, and understanding. I still respect my ex, and while we did have our challenges, I still catch up with him every few years and he's doing amazingly well.

Could this guy be different? He might be. Anymore so if you're both closer in age. I think here, and it may be a bit too late, I am not sure, but I would say if it started off as genuine friends first, then perhaps a relationship can come of it. But sounds like you both jumped the gun into bed. 

Widowed men with kids are a whole other story.  They aren't typically looking for anything serious, in many ways they are looking for a mom for their child and not usually fully healed from the loss of their wife. Not saying that as a generalization, know everyone's situation is different. He would need a LOT of time to heal and to become the dad his kids need.

[SCMandy]

43 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

You're welcome. And I genuinely hope it works out. When I was 16, my first serious boyfriend was someone older (I think at the time he was 20ish?). We were together for 4 years.

He treated me well, always encouraged me, his parents adored me, and I adored them. He taught me how to drive using his car.

Maybe there was a part of me that looked up to him as an older, more experienced man, but we truly loved each other (at least, my version of love as a 16 year old....) and the way he treated me and pushed me to do well. Now, would we have lasted long-term? Hard to say. I did eventually grow out of the relationship and wanted to be 20 and "free." 

I guess my point is that older/younger relationships can work when both parties are respectful, supportive, and understanding. I still respect my ex, and while we did have our challenges, I still catch up with him every few years and he's doing amazingly well.

Could this guy be different? He might be. Anymore so if you're both closer in age. I think here, and it may be a bit too late, I am not sure, but I would say if it started off as genuine friends first, then perhaps a relationship can come of it. But sounds like you both jumped the gun into bed. 

Widowed men with kids are a whole other story.  They aren't typically looking for anything serious, in many ways they are looking for a mom for their child and not usually fully healed from the loss of their wife. Not saying that as a generalization, know everyone's situation is different. He would need a LOT of time to heal and to become the dad his kids need.

We definitely didn’t jump the gun into bed.  The friendship materialized over months before we even went on an actual date and then a few dates before it got to that point.  So I don’t think we jumped the gun there at all 

[Sony12]

24 minutes ago, SCMandy said:

We definitely didn’t jump the gun into bed.  The friendship materialized over months before we even went on an actual date and then a few dates before it got to that point.  So I don’t think we jumped the gun there at all 

I do have a question then. If you had been communicating that much then prior to that and had been on several dates prior to going to bed with each other why did you have that kind of reaction? Because that type of reaction is more inline with people who are indeed just hooking up.

Does being sexual with people scare you?

[Els]

5 hours ago, SCMandy said:

No, he never once used that phrase and this was not our first date.  The ‘hooking up’ reference was simply the act of us hooking up as part of our date.  The sole intention of the date was not for that 

Thanks for clarifying.

3 hours ago, SCMandy said:

It’s definitely not the age difference.  I feel very comfortable with that.  It is definitely his size that has me more worried.  And I know that sounds shallow and superficial but it’s real for me 

It's not superficial to be concerned about that. Just don't feel pressured to do anything that you don't want to do. Remember that you can stop him at any time - even if you both agreed to go "all the way" but it hurts when he tries to enter. Or if it starts to hurt when he's "almost there". Any time at all.

It's not silly or dumb to stop something that you didn't feel comfortable with as you did in your opening post... it's actually the smartest thing you can do.

 

Edited May 7 by Els