babybrowns Posted May 3, 2024 Posted May 3, 2024 Hello all I recently met someone online and we have exchanged quite a few messages so far. Most of these have been initiated by him; he has been texting me almost every day. He does live a few hours’ drive from me (we matched when he was at the tail end of a trip to my town visiting his family) but he had said he is planning to move down there at some point to be near family. As nice as it was to have him initiating frequent contact with me, one thing that struck me was that compared to the general communication that one has with matches from OLD, his messages to me seemed to be rather quite platonic, as if he is just looking for friendship. With the frequency of his initiating communication with me, the hunch that he might just be after a platonic connection as well as the distance being a factor, I thought it best to broach the subject with him as to what he’s looking for on the dating site. {On my dating profile it clearly states that I’m looking for a relationship}. First he beat about the bush before admitting that he doesn’t really do LDRs. This further reinforced my feelings that he might just want something platonic. I accepted what he said but reminded him that I’m on the dating site for a romantic connection and that we might be on different pages therefore. After trying to dodge round the question at first in a bid to keep me interested, saying he would be “open to anything!” he then admitted that he wouldn’t mind just being friends. I told him it’s not what I’m looking for (for the second time ) and I wished him all the best. I am left a little confused. Why would someone pursue someone from a dating site who is looking for something romantic if they just want something platonic with them? Especially after I raised the subject, he continued to give ‘politician answers’ so that I’d stick around until I managed to unravel the facts. I really don’t get it. Would appreciate some perspectives!
stillafool Posted May 3, 2024 Posted May 3, 2024 Bec 1 minute ago, babybrowns said: Why would someone pursue someone from a dating site who is looking for something romantic if they just want something platonic with them? Because when you move to a new city/town you don't know anyone and would like to know someone who can introduce you to people and to get information from. Why do you find that odd? I certainly can understand if you don't want to waste your time being his platonic friend when you're looking for a boyfriend. 5
introverted1 Posted May 3, 2024 Posted May 3, 2024 1 hour ago, babybrowns said: Why would someone pursue someone from a dating site who is looking for something romantic if they just want something platonic with them? Because he might be moving To pass the time To learn more about you before investing in a long trip to meet you Because he doesn't feel a romantic connection but would be happy being friends Who knows? Could be one of these or something else. Less time trying to second-guess what he (or any man) is thinking and more time assessing if the person and/or what is on offer is right for you will lead to less anxiety in your life. 5
Author babybrowns Posted May 3, 2024 Author Posted May 3, 2024 2 hours ago, stillafool said: Because when you move to a new city/town you don't know anyone and would like to know someone who can introduce you to people and to get information from. Why do you find that odd? I certainly can understand if you don't want to waste your time being his platonic friend when you're looking for a boyfriend. This is it exactly- I get that he might want to make connections in a town that he might (or might not) be moving to, but it’s the targeting of me. My profile says I am looking for a relationship. Other profiles which suggest a more casual dating intention or that the person is looking for friendship would be more compatible with his intentions. He is texting me a lot but I don’t want to unnecessarily develop any sort of bond with a guy I like from a dating site who might only be after a friendship. He is trying to convince me that he does want to date me rather than just be friends but the way that his narrative keeps changing each time I “check out” is odd
shellzbellz83 Posted May 3, 2024 Posted May 3, 2024 (edited) He already told you he's looking for friendship, so I would take any changes in direction with a grain of salt. As others have said, he's a guy potentially moving to a new city -- it's not surprising he would be looking to connect (even platonically) with women there. I think you're putting way too much weight on why he'd match with a woman whose profile says she's looking for a relationship. I did OLD on and off for years before meeting my husband, and I always indicated on my profile that I was only interested in something long-term. That didn't deter men who were looking for casual from reaching out to me. You can't control who contacts you, but you can absolutely control whether you continue to engage with men who tell you directly they are looking for something different than what you want. The fact that you're still communicating with a man who lives hours away and doesn't have the same end goal as you do is a recipe for disappointment -- but I think your focus should be less on why he's communicating with you and more on why you're communicating with him, knowing what you know. Edited May 3, 2024 by shellzbellz83 1
Gaeta Posted May 3, 2024 Posted May 3, 2024 It's not important why. You cannot psycho-analyze every joe-blow you come across. You are an experienced dater by now, you and him have different goals...you move on and certainly do not waste brain energy on analyzing his motive.
basil67 Posted May 3, 2024 Posted May 3, 2024 8 hours ago, babybrowns said: Why would someone pursue someone from a dating site who is looking for something romantic if they just want something platonic with them? Because they want to 1
NuevoYorko Posted May 4, 2024 Posted May 4, 2024 Why? Well, you're engaging with him aren't you? Though you can't date because he lives far away from you. If you are only interested in a "romantic connection," why did you even meet this guy in the first place, when he lives several hours away from you? Since you did that, he understandably got the impression that you might be up for being chat buddies, like he is. 1
Versacehottie Posted May 4, 2024 Posted May 4, 2024 41 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: why did you even meet this guy in the first place, when he lives several hours away from you? I could be wrong but i don't think she has even met him yet. Sort of like the common pattern of trying to figure out what they will "be" before ever even going out with the guy once or twice... (which is still a fairly short time to determine it but if people are on a spectrum for this speed and "need to know", I'd say our OP is not one for the the slow ramp up....lol though I maintain a shift in the perspective would do her some good. But I've been saying versions of that for at least a couple of years to her, to no avail. I will throw in my guess of "WHY" he's doing what he's doing. He matched with you not realizing where you lived. but he only discovered that is not really where you live after talking to you--like EVERYTHING relationships--it naturally unfolds, even people who attempt to find out everything up front to see if they are a good match and everything aligns, cannot do it because that is an impossible task...anyway, sounds like he's fine to pass the time or leave options open for what things could be depending on how his life plays out. Also not everyone approaches relationships the same way--so maybe he bonds first platonically--especailly since you are long distance. A lot of people don't take distant people seriously because they live more in the here and now. Here's an idea: you could ask him!
ExpatInItaly Posted May 4, 2024 Posted May 4, 2024 12 hours ago, babybrowns said: Especially after I raised the subject, he continued to give ‘politician answers’ so that I’d stick around until I managed to unravel the facts. Here we go again. BB, you don't need to treat every fledgling connection like a Sherlock Holmes case. You get way over-invested in analyzing these randoms and trying to find malicious intent. Just chalk it up to a mismatch and let it go. 1 1
NuevoYorko Posted May 4, 2024 Posted May 4, 2024 1 hour ago, Versacehottie said: I could be wrong but i don't think she has even met him yet. Her original post says "I recently met someone online" and that the guy was visiting her town, so I assume that they actually did meet in person at that time. If she didn't meet him, this whole thing is the biggest nothingburger ever. 2
Gaeta Posted May 4, 2024 Posted May 4, 2024 7 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: Her original post says "I recently met someone online" and that the guy was visiting her town, so I assume that they actually did meet in person at that time. If she didn't meet him, this whole thing is the biggest nothingburger ever. They did not meet. She mentionned he was visiting her town to explain how he ended up in her local search. Yep! it's a big all-dressed nothingburger. 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 5, 2024 Posted May 5, 2024 On 5/3/2024 at 11:53 AM, babybrowns said: I raised the subject, he continued to give ‘politician answers’ so that I’d stick around until I managed to unravel the facts You don't have to "stick around" for someone who's clearly not interested. However you seem to do so hoping he will become more interested.. it's up to you to delete and block to cut your losses and stop engaging with time wasters
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