My bf of 4 years is moving 18 hours away back to his home town without me. Am I being selfish for being heartbroken?

[M8974]

Yesterday my bf told me that his grandfather is sick and his mom wants him to move back home to be with all of his family due to them not getting any younger. He’s been living in other states for the past 10 years. My family and adult children are here where we live now. When he dropped the bomb on me, he said how he wants me to go with him, but didn’t want to be selfish asking for me to leave my family. He said that if I didn’t have kids (he has none), that he’d be begging me to go. I did not handle any of this well. I broke down actually. He didn’t come to me with any of these concerns. He just made the arrangements to go. He says he’s never loved or been happier with anyone else - that this is breaking his heart but that his mom needs him. I am not a selfish person. I would never ask for him to not go, but I’m devastated as I can not leave my kids or my mother. He says he doesn’t want to break up or never talk to me again, but knows how I feel about long distance relationships, which I feel do not work. How do you have a long distance relationship with no intentions of being together in the same state? I could potentially move one day, but he technically didn’t ask. We cried all day together about this.. He says he feels he has to choose between his family and me. That if he stays here, and family starts dying back home, that he’ll regret not being there, but If he leaves, he’s leaving the best thing that’s ever happened to him. He’s so torn but feels he loses either way. I won’t ask him to stay. I’m not that person as I know how close he is wirh his family but I can’t stop thinking that if he truly loved me as much as he says, that he would have talked to me to figure out how we could make this work. He said he thought about traveling for a weeks at a time back and forth, but knows he can’t do that with a job. I feel lost and empty. He’s my best friend and I’ve never been as happy as I am with him. What do I do? Is it a no brainer to just cut ties? Am I being selfish with how upset I am for him not talking to me about this first. He leaves tomorrow. Please help. I literally feel like I’m dying!

[Gebidozo]

Sorry this is happening to you. 

It’s a bummer that he just dropped the bomb on you without warning, but some people are like this, they can’t bring themselves to announce bad news for fear of hurting the partner, and drag it till the last moment without realizing that the hurt is even worse like that. 

You aren’t being selfish for feeling upset about him not telling you this beforehand, I’d be very upset too if this happened to me.

I do think that he needs to find a way to still keep seeing you despite the distance. Maybe you can still work this out, but he definitely needs to show initiative, since he is the one that’s going away. If he doesn’t, if he just stays in the other state without trying to see you regularly, then yes, I’d say he doesn’t truly love you.

Edited May 4, 2024 by Gebidozo

[ShyViolet]

He has made his choice.  He didn't even consult you or give you any warning about this, he just dropped a bomb on you that he's moving away and he's choosing his family over you.  There's really nothing for you to do here but process this, get over the initial shock and start moving on with your life.  Don't try and push him to attempt to maintain a long distance relationship..... you are right, they are a waste of time and don't work.  He has made a very clear choice here to step away from his relationship with you and not to make it a priority in his life.  Why would you even want to chase after someone who doesn't want to make their relationship with you a priority, who has chosen to leave.  I know you are shocked by this but give yourself time and space and you will start processing it and moving on.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, JT22 said:

. When he dropped the bomb on me, he said how he wants me to go with him, but didn’t want to be selfish asking for me to leave my family. He said that if I didn’t have kids (he has none), that he’d be begging me to go. I did not handle any of this well. I broke down actually. He didn’t come to me with any of these concerns. He just made the arrangements to go. He says he’s never loved or been happier with anyone else - that this is breaking his heart but that his mom needs him. I am not a selfish person. I would never ask for him to not go, but I’m devastated as I can not leave my kids or my mother. He says he doesn’t want to break up or never talk to me again, but knows how I feel about long distance relationships, which I feel do not work. How do you have a long distance relationship with no intentions of being together in the same state? I could potentially move one day, but he technically didn’t ask. We cried all day together about this.. He says he feels he has to choose between his family and me. 

Sorry this is happening. Did you know about all these supposed family problems?  He was obviously pondering it all along and seems insincere about you going with him or sustaining a LDR. If you're the last to know anything about him and he keeps you in the dark like this perhaps you need to rethink the situation.