Long distance love bombing?

[Chlz]

Hello. 

This is a bit long.

I'm a 31 year old woman. Last June I met this guy online. (Facebook group) We chatted as friends for like a week and got along well as we had a lot in common. Well after only a few days he kinda started flirting, jokingly talked about visiting. We didn't even know where each other was from yet. For some reason we chatted about other random stuff first. We discovered we lived like 8 hours from each other. 

The friendship/ flirting continued into July just a few weeks I guess of chatting and he admitted to liking me. Then let it slip he loved me a couple days later. Then proceeded to tell me I'm his dream woman and perfect for him and he'd worship me and make me his priority and I was all he needed. I'd never heard such and thought maybe it was sweet. But also weird after only a few weeks of chatting. And this is just text chat no video or voice chat. We did end up gaming together and he said all the same things and was really flirty and sexual on voice chat. 

Some background on him he's 37 and not employed at the moment, living in his parents apartment still. I was looking past all that since he was so sweet and seemingly loving. And said he was going to look for a job soon. Only recently did I learn about love bombing and how it can appear, so now I'm nervous.

Fast forward to now I've kept him as a friend and I told him to calm down on all the relationship and extreme love/romance talk. I like him and wouldn't mind being more than friends eventually once he gets his life together a bit better. I was thinking maybe he was acting that way since he hasn't been in a relationship in maybe 8 or so years and told me I checked all of his boxes as a relationship partner. We've sent pictures (not sexual) to each other. We talk everyday. 

Some other things I noticed is if I haven't responded after a while he'll ask what I was doing in the "40 mins or so I was gone" like keeping track of the time. And says something when I've left him on read. Not mean but just has to say something. Then says he's sorry and he's just insecure and worried about losing me and stuff like that. 

So my question is does this sound like love bombing? Red flag? Any advice as well as I've ever done long distance stuff before. Thank you! 

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, Chlz said:

. Some other things I noticed is if I haven't responded after a while he'll ask what I was doing in the "40 mins or so I was gone" like keeping track of the time. And says something when I've left him on read. Not mean but just has to say something. Then says he's sorry and he's just insecure and worried about losing me and stuff like that. 

Yes it's definitely a red flag. Please be careful getting involved in cyber fantasy relationships.

Try to examine why you went down this rabbit hole.  It sounds more like scamming or catfishing than "love bombing". 

[Chlz]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes it's definitely a red flag. Please be careful getting involved in cyber fantasy relationships.

Try to examine why you went down this rabbit hole.  It sounds more like scamming or catfishing than "love bombing". 

Yeah I was worried that maybe he wanted to use me for a new place to stay and stuff. Since it's been almost a year and he still hasn't started looking for a job. 

[NuevoYorko]

Why do you "like" him?  Seems like he outed himself as pretty much a loser starting at the beginning.   

Anyone who is going to tell somebody "I love you" when they haven't even met has a lot of problems.  Mainly, they do not know you, so they do not love you.  What's in it for you?

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Chlz said:

So my question is does this sound like love bombing? Red flag?

Yes, and YES. 

Red flags all over this. Mature and well-adjusted adults don't go around professing love to someone they have never met. They don't have make-believe relationships in their own heads with a woman they've never laid eyes on in real life. They don't try to lay claim over your time and question where you are when you're not online. This person is not playing with a full deck, girl. 

His words aren't sweet. They're creepy. And even if they weren't, he's a grown man with no job living with his parents. He can't possibly have a long-distance relationship when he can't afford to travel. 

Instead, I would ask yourself what led you to get attached to this person. Were you feeling lonely when you started talking to him? Bored? You seem to have been rather vulnerable to the sweet nothings of an internet random, and it would be wise to figure out why that is. 

[Alpacalia]

To hear someone is in love with you and worshipping you sounds more like infatuation with the idea of you. He's placing you on a pedestal and idealizing you.  Maybe because he is unemployed and living/depending on his parents at 37, when he "found" you, he thinks this is his savior and reason for living. 

That's not the kind of responsibility/pressure I want on my shoulders. I'm sure you don't want that either. You are no one's savior.  You're not at least dating yet and he's acting like you already agreed to get married.

Being possessive like making sure you don't leave for too long, when he tells you he's worried about losing you, when he's saying he's sorry because he just doesn't want to lose you yet, is territorial sort of behavior. After all, you're not even in a romantic relationship yet he's making sure you are thinking about him. And if you're not engaging in a conversation with him, then he manipulates your guilt for that because you were doing something else instead. It's designed to build co-dependency.

People who are love bombing are looking for validation and a sense of control and co-dependency. The warning signs are - they ignore your boundaries, get rid of people that care for you and who are suspicious of them, and gain control over you by trying to isolate you in real life or online, guilt-tripping and manipulating you.

In the end, your feelings for someone should be genuine, not prematurely produced by intense flattery. If you feel something back, that's great but only if you feel it on your own terms.

Also, I feel I should mention, he was being sexual on voice chat pretty early on.

It should be a red flag if someone tries to speed the relationship up past what you are comfortable with. Especially when you haven't met in real life yet.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Chlz said:

Yeah I was worried that maybe he wanted to use me for a new place to stay and stuff. Since it's been almost a year and he still hasn't started looking for a job. 

This isn't love bombing and definitely not infatuation. This is a classic romance scammer buttering you up to use for material gains. Please don't get caught up in this. And please don't give out any personal information.

Please read up on romance scams

https://consumer.ftc.gov/articles/what-know-about-romance-scams

Edited May 5 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

I don't think someone that has been communicating with you for a year is trying to scam you for money or would tell you that they are unemployed living with THEIR PARENTS. But what do I know. Of course, I could be wrong.

Not saying he isn't planning on scamming you out of money at some point, but 1 year is a long time to be attempting to pull a scam. Unless it's the very long con. Does he try to make you feel sorry for him? Does he tell you he's struggling and can't afford things? 

Look. Even if this wasn't some long distance thing and you met and dated in real life, his behavior is quite common and unfortunately women (and men) come across this type of thing all too frequently. He's being pushy and needy. He's not giving you a chance to decide, he's insisting with these 40 minute questions that you do what he says.

No this to me just sounds more like he is insecure and possibly a bit pushy or controlling. Just be thankful that you didn't meet up in person and realize all of this later because this behavior would be even more intense once you meet in person.

[Chlz]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, and YES. 

Red flags all over this. Mature and well-adjusted adults don't go around professing love to someone they have never met. They don't have make-believe relationships in their own heads with a woman they've never laid eyes on in real life. They don't try to lay claim over your time and question where you are when you're not online. This person is not playing with a full deck, girl. 

His words aren't sweet. They're creepy. And even if they weren't, he's a grown man with no job living with his parents. He can't possibly have a long-distance relationship when he can't afford to travel. 

Instead, I would ask yourself what led you to get attached to this person. Were you feeling lonely when you started talking to him? Bored? You seem to have been rather vulnerable to the sweet nothings of an internet random, and it would be wise to figure out why that is. 

I'm guessing boredom had a lot to do with it lol. I'm gonna tell him that we need to just calm down on the whole situation. I guess I've never been told such sweet things before so it kinda made me feel like he was genuine. 

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, Chlz said:

Some background on him he's 37 and not employed at the moment, living in his parents apartment still. I was looking past all that since he was so sweet and seemingly loving. And said he was going to look for a job soon. Only recently did I learn about love bombing and how it can appear, so now I'm nervous.

He's 37, living in his parents basement, unemployed and "is going" to look for a job soon?  He should be looking for a job and continuing his search.  He hasn't even gotten started looking for a job yet.  I think he was loving bombing you so he can move in with you and mooch off you while still remaining unemployed. Raise your standards.

[Foxhall]

 

the issue will likely be that although he sounds very enthusiastic, ultimately leaving his parents and moving closer to you will probably prove a lot more difficult than you might imagine, (mental barriers lol)

that is a good thing in one sense- while his words suggest otherwise I doubt he has any intention of wanting to be moved in with you- he will be perfectly happy to have a long distance relationship and enjoy the fantasy

I have found even if two people are fairly compatible- if either is unsettled in their own life or not content with their own situations- well that can create barriers which are hard to get past.

I dont think you need to worry he is moving too quickly- he is merely excited- but has no real intention of progressing things in the short term,

If you want to give the relationship a chance you will need to be prepared to give him time and help him find his path.

 

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, Chlz said:

 I guess I've never been told such sweet things before so it kinda made me feel like he was genuine. 

Well, in a sense he probably IS genuine.  I don't think he's a scammer; he probably "means" what he's saying.   It's just that he's coming from a juvenile perspective, is behaving very inappropriately, has nothing to offer you, is trying to lock you down, and he's doing it all with "sweet" words.

Rather than slowing down, you really would be best off to curtail this.  Sooner or later you are going to want to date someone and having this fake "boyfriend"  hanging around expecting to have you available to chat every half hour is really going to be a drag.   And he might be difficult to get rid of.  Like a fungus.

[basil67]

I also get the feeling that he is genuine.  But that doesn't preclude him from living in fantasy land, nor does it make him a good choice in partner.  While I understand that people can be retrenched or lose their jobs due to businesses failing, if he is of sound mind without disability, there is no excuse to be long term unemployed.  At the very least, he could be stacking boxes in a supermarket

@Chlz you are early 30's.  Do you hope to have an family one day....and an equal partner?  If so, find a man who is your match in terms of work ethic, independence and practicality.  

Edited May 5 by basil67

[Chlz]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I also get the feeling that he is genuine.  But that doesn't preclude him from living in fantasy land, nor does it make him a good choice in partner.

@Chlz you are early 30's.  Do you hope to have an family one day....and an equal partner?  If so, find a man who is your match in terms of work ethic, independence and practicality.  

Id much rather have someone that has a stable job and plans for the future. Someone able to provide for a family. So yeah. I guess I got caught up in his sweet words. He's shown no actions that shows he's even planning to get his life together. 

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, Chlz said:

Id much rather have someone that has a stable job and plans for the future. Someone able to provide for a family. So yeah. I guess I got caught up in his sweet words. He's shown no actions that shows he's even planning to get his life together. 

Yep, if you were to have children with him, you'd be working and he'd be staying at home.  While there are good stay at home fathers, I suspect this guy would be playing computer games all day instead of running the household properly.

Edited May 5 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Chlz said:

So yeah. I guess I got caught up in his sweet words. He's shown no actions that shows he's even planning to get his life together

Even these "sweet words" are an indication he doesn't have his life together. 

As I said before, an adult who is emotionally-mature and has reasonable expectations doesn't spout off grand declarations without ever having met the other person. His emotional wheelhouse is a mess, in other words. I would be very concerned and honestly turned off by this sort of behaviour. 

I do hope you've been keeping your options open in the time you have been talking to this person? Have you been dating? Or did you put yourself on hold for this man? 

[Foxhall]

Its a bit of a Mars and Venus one this,

When she says to me "I am so lost" that was the moment I truly fell in love with her,

Guys can be attracted to women who are still finding themselves, but I imagine it does not work well the other way,

girls do not want guys who are "lost" or living with parents near age of 40 and so on,

However I actually think its nice that you would be prepared to give him a chance and all that,  Id even go against what my friend says there about being no ones saviour,

I think it can be nice to be someone's saviour, but again thats probably different male and female perspectives,

Anyway it is nice that you are prepared to maybe see where it goes. 

 

 

[BaileyB]

Is it lovebombing or is it catfishing? 

Telling a women that he has never met that he loves her and wants to be with her forever - red flag number one.

The fact that he is a grown man who doesn’t have a job and lives with his parents - red flags number two.

That would enough red flags for me to pass on this “friendship”’ or “relationship” - whatever you decide to call it. 

Edited May 6 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Foxhall said:

I think it can be nice to be someone's saviour, but again thats probably different male and female perspectives,

For me, the critical factor here is also that these two have never met. 

She doesn't know if what he's telling her about himself is even true (and vice versa, of course) It's not so much about male-female perspective but common sense and stranger danger. 

[Chlz]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Even these "sweet words" are an indication he doesn't have his life together. 

As I said before, an adult who is emotionally-mature and has reasonable expectations doesn't spout off grand declarations without ever having met the other person. His emotional wheelhouse is a mess, in other words. I would be very concerned and honestly turned off by this sort of behaviour. 

I do hope you've been keeping your options open in the time you have been talking to this person? Have you been dating? Or did you put yourself on hold for this man? 

I honestly kind of put myself on hold for him. But I'm not gonna do that anymore. He just made it seem like it's so rare for a woman to like him and now that I said I did like him he's stuck to me like glue. But then I started saying let's back track cause the things he was saying was a bit much and then he said something like "I'm not waiting to another 8 years to find the perfecy woman who likes me back" so then I guess I felt bad cause he was so excited to have someone to like him. Idk. 

[BaileyB]

11 minutes ago, Chlz said:

I honestly kind of put myself on hold for him. But I'm not gonna do that anymore. He just made it seem like it's so rare for a woman to like him and now that I said I did like him he's stuck to me like glue. But then I started saying let's back track cause the things he was saying was a bit much and then he said something like "I'm not waiting to another 8 years to find the perfecy woman who likes me back" so then I guess I felt bad cause he was so excited to have someone to like him. Idk. 

This is a classic strategy of manipulation OP. First he builds you up - he just can’t believe his luck that he’s found such a wonderful woman… and then, when you pull back he starts with the guilt - “he doesn’t want to wait 8 more years to find the perfect woman.” He is essentially trying to pressure you into moving forward, and that’s not ok.

You have to remember that you have never met this man. You don’t know if what he has told you is truthful and you don’t know that you will be compatible with him in real life. What’s more, he is not a catch - He needs to get himself together, get a job, establish himself independently from his parents before you even consider meeting and dating the man… nevermind this talk of a commitment because you are “perfect” for him. If that doesn’t set off alarm bells, it should. 

He is either so very desperate to find a woman or he is a catfish - but a strange catfish, because the usual MO is to be the handsome, wonderful man who then finds himself in financial difficulty. This guy presents himself as an unemployed child - 

Edited May 6 by BaileyB

[Chlz]

14 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

This is a classic strategy of manipulation OP. First he builds you up - he just can’t believe his luck that he’s found such a wonderful woman… and then, when you pull back he starts with the guilt - “he doesn’t want to wait 8 more years to find the perfect woman.” He is essentially trying to pressure you into moving forward, and that’s not ok.

You have to remember that you have never met this man. You don’t know if what he has told you is truthful and you don’t know that you will be compatible with him in real life. What’s more, he is not a catch - He needs to get himself together, get a job, establish himself independently from his parents before you even consider meeting and dating the man… nevermind this talk of a commitment because you are “perfect” for him. If that doesn’t set off alarm bells, it should. 

He is either so very desperate to find a woman or he is a catfish - but a strange catfish, because the usual MO is to be the handsome, wonderful man who then finds himself in financial difficulty. This guy presents himself as an unemployed child - 

You're right that is manipulative. Thanks for the help in showing me this. 😭 I feel kinda silly now for entertaining him as long as I did. 

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, Chlz said:

You're right that is manipulative. Thanks for the help in showing me this. 😭 I feel kinda silly now for entertaining him as long as I did. 

You live and you learn. Your intuition is telling you that something is off - that’s what you posted. I say listen to your own intuition here… 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Foxhall said:

girls do not want guys who are "lost" or living with parents near age of 40 and so on,

Personally, if I were a man, I wouldn't want a woman who lived with her parents near age 40 either.

[Chlz]

13 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Personally, if I were a man, I wouldn't want a woman who lived with her parents near age 40 either.

Same.

I get having hard times and some people can't find their way but the guy I've been chatting with lost his main job during covid and has just been doing nothing and some small jobs ever since. But his parents pay for everything (he says he works and cleans around the house for money or to earn his keep I guess)  and I don't think he's even looked for work in the almost year we've been talking.