Am I Losing him?

[Denise]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years. We usually have a pretty normal relationship with its smooth times and its rocky times. But the last three months have been very testing on us. What I keep telling him is that there was "something" there that isn't there anymore. That "something" is the time he used to make for us. We both have loaded schedules (full time college and full time work schedules) and it was hard on us to find time together, but we did make that time. We used to work together to make that time. He now doesn't make efforts to make that time for us. I had asked him to explain himself (we hadn't made love in over a week) and he claims that he "feels the same way (loves me and all) but not as strongly as he used to and now he would like to make more time for himself and friends and get better control of his life." He would also like to excell in work for he wants a promotion. He, like I, is controlled by school, work, family problems and bills. I can see his point but I am also confused and hurt. As a woman, I feel rejected, unwanted and unimportant. He has told me that I was the most important thing in his life (the reason why he woke up in the morning) and now he puts work, and friends before me. I love him, and I don't want to lose him and I feel like I am. I just need an opinion of my situation. Thanks.

[Marzipan]

Hi,

 

having been in the same situation in a long term relationship myself, I must tell you, I don't necessarily think you're losing him. I think when two people have been together for a while it's natural to feel a little bit like things may be slipping. You both seem to have a good understanding that your lives are loaded right now with complications from work,school and family. Give yourself a break, and by that I mean that you need to relax a little bit about the situation.

 

Also, I think you should talk to him about this, what you are feeling is very valid and if he seems to be feeling it too, then you shouldn't ignore it. Try to talk to him about it one night when you are alone. It sounds like maybe he is avoiding the issue, and that makes it hard to tell if it's that you are both at the point where you are just comfortable in the relationship or if you have questions of whether or not to let this go any further.

 

Three years is a fair amount of time to spend with someone and it is valid for you to be asking questions about the future of your relationship. I'm not saying you should have the answers but if both of you really feels like maybe there should be more and that you could make more effort then perhaps you should spend a some time on your own.

 

This is just a suggestion. I am not saying you need to break up or go your separate ways. I am totally not saying that. But maybe if you are trying to reflect on what is going on in the relationship or what is not going on then you could gain a better perspective if you take a couple of days to yourself to think things through. Often I think Guys are better at handling the separate end of a relationship than girls are, they tend to lose less friends and don't think there's a lot wrong with not seeing their significant other every day.

 

I'm not saying that you are co-dependent or anything, I'm just saying that guys seem to have an easier time of separating their friends and spending time with them instead of their mates than girls do.

 

I think that he's not necessarily focusing on your relationship because it sounds like he's at a comfortable point with you right now where he feels like he can divide his time among friends, work and you. This doesn't necessarily mean that you are no longer first on his list, it just means that maybe he's not so concerned he's going to lose you anymore. This can be both good and bad for many reasons. This could mean he's comfortable enough that he knows you won't leave him and sometimes that leaves an opening for "someone else" to come into the picture but I don't think that's going to happen.

 

all you can do is try to talk to him about things and if it's obvious at that point that he doesn't want to, do not force the issue any longer. Tell him how you feel, be honest about your side of things with him. All he can do is turn around and tell you how he feels. If you two come to a conclusion from there that that "something" just isn't there then maybe it's time to consider being apart.

 

Don't be afraid to "lose" him. The problem with being afraid that you are losing someone is that it can become your worst fear and will end up consuming you later on. You can't live in fear of losing him, what if? What If? What if? ....

 

Trust me, if it is going to happen then it will happen sooner or later but you can't go on in the relationshp wondering if you're going to lose him or not. Deciding what's right from here on out is up to both of you not just him. You admit you are thinking that maybe the excitement is over but you have to remember that it's not always going to be exciting. You two have been together long enough to know whether or not you have experienced cycles of this type of feeling. If this feeling you are having is not new then you know it could be due to some of the stresses in your lives. If the feeling does feel new and it has gone on for a while then maybe taking some time away from eachother could help put things into perspective.

 

I hope that helps. I am not trying to confuse you any further and hope that I haven't with my advice. I myself am getting over the end of a long-term relationship so I can sympathaize with the fear of losing him. Ask yourself how long this feeling has lasted and if you've had it before. If so then think strongly about what you would like to do.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years. We usually have a pretty normal relationship with its smooth times and its rocky times. But the last three months have been very testing on us. What I keep telling him is that there was "something" there that isn't there anymore. That "something" is the time he used to make for us. We both have loaded schedules (full time college and full time work schedules) and it was hard on us to find time together, but we did make that time. We used to work together to make that time. He now doesn't make efforts to make that time for us. I had asked him to explain himself (we hadn't made love in over a week) and he claims that he "feels the same way (loves me and all) but not as strongly as he used to and now he would like to make more time for himself and friends and get better control of his life." He would also like to excell in work for he wants a promotion. He, like I, is controlled by school, work, family problems and bills. I can see his point but I am also confused and hurt. As a woman, I feel rejected, unwanted and unimportant. He has told me that I was the most important thing in his life (the reason why he woke up in the morning) and now he puts work, and friends before me. I love him, and I don't want to lose him and I feel like I am. I just need an opinion of my situation. Thanks.