Relationships with a significant age gap

[basil67]

Continuing discussion from this thread 

 

 

 

[basil67]

@BaileyB wrote   >>In other similar posts, I’m actually more concerned that the man is going to end up hurt and disappointed. Some older men have posted and they are quite infatuated with younger women who are sometimes running their own agenda. Some have lot their wives and they are grieving… it’s definitely not what’s happening here. But their naivety, in much the same way that this poster is a little naive, puts them at great risk of being seriously disappointed and hurt when the relationship ends<<

One of the 'ick' experiences I mentioned was when I was 17, still living at home and had a week-long summer fling with a 28yo guy.  

Anyway, it turned out that he was actually serious about me.  Yeah, we had sexy fun and got on well, but he and was shocked and saddened when I wouldn't move out of home and go live with him 6 hours drive away.  What part of him thought that such a young woman would leave home and go live with him after knowing him for all of a week?   

The whole thing was nuts

Edited May 7 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

Basil, everything concrete you’ve posted on this issue is true, but the generalizations in the other thread are killing me.

Suppose that guy you mentioned wasn’t 28, but 17 like you, or 15 or whatever. The same thing would have happened. So he wouldn’t have been infatuated by your youth specifically, but by some other traits, physical beauty, charisma, wits, kindness, anything. The result would have been exactly the same.

Yet nobody says “it’s icky to be infatuated by a beautiful, charismatic, witty, kind girl”. People say “it’s icky to be infatuated by a younger girl”. Why single out just this one aspect of attraction?

Look, I apologize for derailing that threat, but obviously I’m taking this personally. You guys know that my fiancée is 18 years younger than me. And those general remarks about older men being icky and just wanting hot young bodies, relationships with age gaps not working, people with age gaps having little in common, etc., make me feel uncomfortable.

[Gebidozo]

Reponding @BaileyB from the other thread:

I would suggest kindly there is a lot of learning and maturing that occurs or women from the early twenties to their thirties. It’s not the number so much as the discrepancy in life experience that is the issue. In this case, he has been married and he has buried his wife. He has a son who is year younger than OP. There is a vast difference in life experience here. 

I understand your point, but isn’t that, precisely, the reason that many young women are attracted to older men? They want to be with someone who has already gone through various stages of life, and can help them to alleviate some of the upcoming difficulties, share lessons learned from the experience, impart wisdom.

[basil67]

1 minute ago, Gebidozo said:

someone who has already gone through various stages of life, and can help them to alleviate some of the upcoming difficulties, share lessons learned from the experience, impart wisdom.

This is the role of a father.   Lack of a good father is why some younger women who date older men are said to have 'daddy issues'

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I understand your point, but isn’t that, precisely, the reason that many young women are attracted to older men

That's the role of a father to ease their way into the world.

[Gaeta]

11 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

. 

I understand your point, but isn’t that, precisely, the reason that many young women are attracted to older men? They want to be with someone who has already gone through various stages of life, and can help them to alleviate some of the upcoming

Playing a fatherly role in your relationship is a dangerous dynamic. It can be compared to women that mother their husband. In both cases it kills the romance and attraction pretty fast. 

[Gebidozo]

Responding @NuevoYorko from the other thread:

You and your friends actively select for women half (or less than half) your age in order to "treat them like a princess"?  Why does their age come into play for this?  You don't want somebody who would prefer to be treated like a queen?  😁

No, of course not. Nobody actively selects anyone based on age alone. I was merely pointing out that when an older man is together with a young woman, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants to control her, it might mean that he wants to “treat her like a princess” in the sense of being kind, patient, understanding, perhaps spoil her a little bit.

I am talking about people who will sacrifice a great deal in order to have the physical ... so in those cases it will exclude other things. 

Oh…. but I’m not such a person😔

Are you a teacher or professor?  Interesting.  You don't have any qualms about dating students of yours?

Professor, among other things. And no, I don’t have qualms about dating students in principle, or condemning other professors for doing that. We’d run out of professors that way. 6 out of 7 professors in the college I attended (that’s only counting my major) married their students.

Fortunately we all survived that, and now she is evidently "too old" for you and your colleagues as she's entered her crusty old 30's!

But that’s the thing, I don’t look at relationships through that lens. There is no “too old” or “too young” for me. I’m 48, my fiancée is 30, that’s cool. I have a 17 year old male student whose girlfriend is 27, that’s cool too. The four of us went on a double date once and it was interesting and fun.

Bottom line, what’s important is mutual love, respect, commitment, honesty, not age.

Edited May 7 by Gebidozo

[Gebidozo]

27 minutes ago, basil67 said:

This is the role of a father.   Lack of a good father is why some younger women who date older men are said to have 'daddy issues'

My fiancée has a very good father, yet she consciously prefers dating older men. 

[Gebidozo]

20 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Playing a fatherly role in your relationship is a dangerous dynamic. It can be compared to women that mother their husband. In both cases it kills the romance and attraction pretty fast. 

Obviously, it shouldn’t be the main role in a romantic relationship, that would be very unhealthy. But I do think that it’s a nice bonus. And so does my fiancée. She likes it that occasionally she can let go of the stress of the adult world and feel like a little girl for a while, be spoiled.

[basil67]

2 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

My fiancée has a very good father, yet she consciously prefers dating older men. 

Your fiancee is 30 and presumably can navigate her life without you taking on a parental role.  

I have been very, very clear that I'm talking about much younger women than your fiance.  Again, it's the "half your age plus 7" formula.  

[Gebidozo]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Your fiancee is 30 and presumably can navigate her life without you taking on a parental role.  

Of course. 

 

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I have been very, very clear that I'm talking about much younger women than your fiance.  Again, it's the "half your age plus 7" formula.  

Yes, you have. 

I might have been taking this discussion too personally and gotten too defensive. Sorry😳

[Gaeta]

11 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

She likes it that occasionally she can let go of the stress of the adult world and feel like a little girl for a while, be spoiled.

I'm 58 and l enjoy when my bf says * leave it to me l will take care of everything* it makes me feel safe. it's more a women thing than an age thing.

[Els]

I haven't been following the other thread, but I think it's fine when a minimum age is involved, probably the late twenties or so. People of that age have already had time to live life as an adult, to gain real world experience, to plant their own two feet on the ground and find their own path. As long as there was no grooming involved, if a 28-yo chooses to date a person twice their age, it's their own choice. While I wouldn't recommend it, especially for a life partnership (due to the statistical likelihood that they'd end up being the end-of-life carer of their spouse when they are 50), I wouldn't say that it was necessarily predatory.

I'm mostly only concerned when the younger person is in their early 20s or younger. In those cases, the younger person hasn't had time to truly become an adult yet, and the risk of predatory behaviour, controlling dynamics, grooming etc is just too high.

[SCMandy]

10 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Reponding @BaileyB from the other thread:

I would suggest kindly there is a lot of learning and maturing that occurs or women from the early twenties to their thirties. It’s not the number so much as the discrepancy in life experience that is the issue. In this case, he has been married and he has buried his wife. He has a son who is year younger than OP. There is a vast difference in life experience here. 

I understand your point, but isn’t that, precisely, the reason that many young women are attracted to older men? They want to be with someone who has already gone through various stages of life, and can help them to alleviate some of the upcoming difficulties, share lessons learned from the experience, impart wisdom.

This ^ is exactly a huge part of the attraction for me.  The maturity and experience is something I am attracted to and hope to draw from in some way as I continue to grow in life.  I see absolutely nothing wrong with that.  While there are unsavory people out there, of all ages, to assume everyone is is wrong IMO

[SCMandy]

10 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

My fiancée has a very good father, yet she consciously prefers dating older men. 

I have an amazing relationship with my dad and he is an incredible person on so many levels so this is not the case in my situation either

I wish there was a way to send private messages on here.  Is there?

[Gaeta]

7 hours ago, Els said:

While I wouldn't recommend it, especially for a life partnership (due to the statistical likelihood that they'd end up being the end-of-life carer of their spouse when they are 50),

And that's the type of things a 20-27 year old cannot project themselves into because their ability to imagine themselves in the future isn't there yet.

When my aunt was 50 she fell in love with a 22  year old. They had a good 20 years together before Alzheimer hit. Now my aunt is 80 years old and has  been suffering from Alzheimer for a good 10 years and it got really bad about 5 years ago. Some days she doesn't recognize anyone and has bit fits. Her husband is now 52 years old. From age 47 to now 52 he stopped working to take care of her full time. He is treated for depression, all related to this, he finds it really really hard. She might be like that for another 5 years, who knows. He will have lived 20 years of happiness and 15 years as her care-taker. When he was 22 years old he was too young to understand what was ahead of him. 

Edited May 7 by Gaeta

[SCMandy]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

And that's the type of things a 20-27 year old cannot project themselves into because their ability to imagine themselves in the future isn't there yet.

When my aunt was 50 she fell in love with a 22  year old. They had a good 20 years together before Alzheimer hit. Now my aunt is 80 years old and has  been suffering from Alzheimer for a good 10 years and it got really bad about 5 years ago. Some days she doesn't recognize anyone and has bit fits. Her husband is now 52 years old. From age 47 to now 52 he stopped working to take care of her full time. He is treated for depression, all related to this, he finds it really really hard. She might be like that for another 5 years, who knows. He will have lived 20 years of happiness and 15 years as her care-taker. When he was 22 years old he was too young to understand what was ahead of him. 

That is definitely a tough situation for him and I truly appreciate that perspective and you sharing that. 

[happyhorizons]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

And that's the type of things a 20-27 year old cannot project themselves into because their ability to imagine themselves in the future isn't there yet.

When my aunt was 50 she fell in love with a 22  year old. They had a good 20 years together before Alzheimer hit. Now my aunt is 80 years old and has  been suffering from Alzheimer for a good 10 years and it got really bad about 5 years ago. Some days she doesn't recognize anyone and has bit fits. Her husband is now 52 years old. From age 47 to now 52 he stopped working to take care of her full time. He is treated for depression, all related to this, he finds it really really hard. She might be like that for another 5 years, who knows. He will have lived 20 years of happiness and 15 years as her care-taker. When he was 22 years old he was too young to understand what was ahead of him. 

You have to admit Gaeta that it is a pretty great LOVE STORY......

[mark clemson]

20 good years together is a true LTR -  probably better than most relationships. From what I understand the vast majority of relationships are short term. I've seen an average of 3.5 years cited, although I'm not convinced the data is good.

If two people are consenting adults then any age difference is really their business and any "ick" is the perspective of an outside party and in a very real way irrelevant. I doubt young women (with the options that come for a young woman) are going to stick around for, or even start, a relationship where THEY feel "ick". Not typically anyhow.

Edited May 7 by mark clemson

[SCMandy]

2 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

20 good years together is a true LTR -  probably better than most relationships. From what I understand the vast majority of relationships are short term. I've seen an average of 3.5 years cited, although I'm not convinced the data is good.

If two people are consenting adults then any age difference is really their business and any "ick" is the perspective of an outside party and in a very real way irrelevant. I doubt young women (with the options that come for a young woman) are going to stick around for, or even start, a relationship where THEY feel "ick". Not typically anyhow.

Agreed.  If I feel an ‘ick’ I am out! 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, happyhorizons said:

You have to admit Gaeta that it is a pretty great LOVE STORY......

Well, she left her husband of 30 years to be with a 22 yo. Her 6 children disowed her, they have not forgiven her to this day. 

It's a sad love story.

[happyhorizons]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Well, she left her husband of 30 years to be with a 22 yo. Her 6 children disowed her, they have not forgiven her to this day. 

It's a sad love story.

Wow.......that is both sad and terrible. 

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Well, she left her husband of 30 years to be with a 22 yo. Her 6 children disowed her, they have not forgiven her to this day. 

It's a sad love story.

But she truly loved that 22 year old one, right? And they remained together, lived out their love. So it’s not just sad, it’s also, in a way, beautiful and inspiring.

 

[Gaeta]

12 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

But she truly loved that 22 year old one, right? And they remained together, lived out their love. So it’s not just sad, it’s also, in a way, beautiful and inspiring.

 

Romantic love comes and goes. 

Was it worth it for her to lose the love of all of her children, being estranged from her grand children. I don't think it was worth it. 

When l was 40ish a younger man got interested in me. He was 27. My eldest daughter was 20 at the time. She was sooo upset l would date a man closer to her age than mine. I didn't hesitate and told the guy l did not wish to pursue. l was not going to lose my daughter over dating a younger man. 

Fast forward 10 years later and my daughter asked me if l remembered that young lawyer who wanted to date me and she apologized for the way she reacted back then. 

I said that was ok. When l dropped him I knew then the love of a man would come to me again and it did. When l dropped him l was making a long term investment in my daughter.

Sunday l will celebrate Mother's Day surounded by my daughters, their bfs, my own amazing boyfriend. My aunt will not have children visiting her or calling her. 

The decisions we make create our tomorrow. 

Edited May 8 by Gaeta