I found out it wasn't a one night stand

[Emily O-Hara]

Hi All, 

 

This is sorta like a vent? I can't talk to anyone about this. I wish there was a support group for women like me, but alas, I haven't found one. 

This might be a bit long, but again, I literally can't talk to ANYONE about this. So, bare with me. 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. I love him to death and we see a future together.  He wants to marry me and he has told me that if I die, there is no other reason for him to live as I am his reason for living. I'm currently looking to purchase a home, as we are living in a trailer.  He has qualities that I have always desired in a man.

At the beginning, before we got into a relationship, he divulged that he was facing criminal charges for the unlawful penetration of a minor. Basically, he slept with a 16 year old, and someone walked in on them.  In my country, 16 is underage so, charges were brought, then dropped as the girl stated that it was consensual. Then she changed her story, it became non-consensual, so charges went back. He gave me an opportunity to back out before things got serious. I told him that if he got convicted, I was leaving.  The incident occurred way before we met, eight years before. 

It took forever, but in the end, there was no conviction; but he got ten years worth of probation, and had to register as a SO.  Its rough, but we're making it work. 

.......I have always known that the girl he was caught having sex with was his sister-in-law. His wife, was the one that walked in on them. He and his wife had always had a very toxic relationship, there was a lot of alcohol and drug abuse occurring. Tensions were running high.  My boyfriend is now sober, and doing a lot of good with his life.  Volunteering,  hosting events for AA, just being really helpful and loving to everyone, because as an addict, he was extremely selfish and narcissistic. He has undergone a lot of therapy and he feels like this is his second chance to change his karma and to give back.

My boyfriend has completed the first part of his probation. So recently, he was talking about the night the incident happened. I  don't ask him questions, because it is a bit of a sensitive topic. I just listened. 

So he was talking about it, and basically.....I found out that 'that night' wasn't the only incident. They had been having a VERY sexual relationship for six months. So much so, that he thought he had fallen in love with this girl, and wanted to eventually live a life with her once she became of age, and they could get married.  His sixteen year old sister-in-law.  He thought that she was 'the one.' 

When I tell you.......the biggest ICK overcame me. My voice started to rise and he told me to stop yelling, and that he thought I had known. And I told him that I had NOT known, this was all new to me. He had never told me. I just thought this whole thing was a one night stand type of thing. He was drunk, emotions were high because he had just gotten into it with his wife, who had also been drinking. I also come from a time and a neighborhood where teenage girls would sleep with older guys, and then come back to us and brag about it, like they had a one up on us girls who liked other teenage boys. So the act itself didn't bother me in the beginning, because I knew quite a few girls when I was younger who would do that. The sister-in-law thing was kinda alarming, but, he didn't really know her, and she had come in from out of state. What I'm saying is, I didn't KNOW the whole truth. I knew some. But not all. 

 I'm now.....second guessing everything and replaying everything in my head. And my boyfriend can see that I'm DISGUSTED by him. He looks hurt, and I heard him crying last night.  And it hurts me to see him hurt by me, but.... I don't know what to do.  I'm just stuck in disgust. I can't break up and leave right now, I have no where to go. My family is practically homeless at the moment. I have no friends. I just feel....gross. I keep thinking about things he has said, and things he has told me. I'm in my 30's. He has told me that I have hit the wall, that I'm old, that  men wouldn't necessarily want me because I'm not young anymore. But then I think.....I look 25. I dress like I'm 18, naturally. Was I targeted? Am I some sort of fulfillment for him, since he can't actually have a teenage girl? If I bring him around my family, is he going to try and get with my younger cousins? Not only do I have to watch out for other women, but teenage GIRLS too? I can't compete with a literal 16 year old. I know he hated his wife, but damn. You were going to leave her and and marry her sister. Drunk or not, that's just INSANE to me, and I CAN'T get past it. 

 

It's been four days, and I can barely let him touch me without cringing. I don't know what to do.

[basil67]

Forgive me if I missed it, but how old was he at the time?  For instance, if he was 19 it's not nearly as creepy as if he was 25.  And it sounds as if the story which went to court wasn't straight from either of them.  Though as they say on SVU "there's no perfect victim"

All in all, I do believe that after punishment is served, people should be able to have a fresh start at life and it sounds as if he's working really hard to turn himself around.  However, he's gone and said this:

26 minutes ago, Emily O-Hara said:

. He has told me that I have hit the wall, that I'm old, that  men wouldn't necessarily want me because I'm not young anymore.

After what happened above, this should be the final nail in the coffin.  I understand that times are tough and this makes leaving more difficult, but the important question is whether or not you are working.   If so, consider looking at advertisements from people who want to rent out a room in their house.  (this is how I lived when I left my first marriage) Or perhaps place an ad yourself where you could offer housekeeping in exchange for a room and bed.  A busy professional or an older person may jump at this opportunity.  

How is it that you have no friends?  No judgement, I promise.  I'm just wondering if your current relationship has led to them being alienated.  

Lastly, 30 is not old and there are plenty of eligible men who wouldn't hesitate. If you want children one day, you still have quite a number of years ahead of you.   Trust me, you don't need to look 25 or dress 18 to find a man.  I think a well put together 30yo looks awesome.  And you don't need to spend a lot to look good.   Google "style on a budget"

Edited May 8 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

Whatever happened between him and his sister-in-law is in the past. He can’t change it anymore. If he expressed regret over his actions and changed, that shouldn’t be held against him anymore.

In my opinion, a much bigger problem is this:

45 minutes ago, Emily O-Hara said:

He has told me that I have hit the wall, that I'm old, that  men wouldn't necessarily want me because I'm not young anymore.

Now, this is an emotionally abusive statement. By saying that, he attempted to destroy your confidence and self esteem, manipulating you into staying with him for a very wrong reason.

It’s extremely disconcerting that he is saying such things to you, even if that’s just his despair talking. 

I think that men who say something like this:

55 minutes ago, Emily O-Hara said:

he has told me that if I die, there is no other reason for him to live as I am his reason for living.

should be approached with caution. Unless he is 14, he should understand that such grand, overblown statements should better be avoided, as they exert an unduly strong emotional pressure on the partner.

 

[Emily O-Hara]

12 hours ago, basil67 said:

Forgive me if I missed it, but how old was he at the time?  For instance, if he was 19 it's not nearly as creepy as if he was 25.  And it sounds as if the story which went to court wasn't straight from either of them.  Though as they say on SVU "there's no perfect victim"

All in all, I do believe that after punishment is served, people should be able to have a fresh start at life and it sounds as if he's working really hard to turn himself around.  However, he's gone and said this:

After what happened above, this should be the final nail in the coffin.  I understand that times are tough and this makes leaving more difficult, but the important question is whether or not you are working.   If so, consider looking at advertisements from people who want to rent out a room in their house.  (this is how I lived when I left my first marriage) Or perhaps place an ad yourself where you could offer housekeeping in exchange for a room and bed.  A busy professional or an older person may jump at this opportunity.  

How is it that you have no friends?  No judgement, I promise.  I'm just wondering if your current relationship has led to them being alienated.  

Lastly, 30 is not old and there are plenty of eligible men who wouldn't hesitate. If you want children one day, you still have quite a number of years ahead of you.   Trust me, you don't need to look 25 or dress 18 to find a man.  I think a well put together 30yo looks awesome.  And you don't need to spend a lot to look good.   Google "style on a budget"

He was 30 at the time. The whole thing is messed up. There is a lot of biased motives in the situation. He knows he shouldn't have done it, regretted it and regrets subcoming to addiction. There's a lot of guilt there that he will have to carry for the rest of his life, and I think that's punishment enough, honestly. 

 

I have a career, I am the breadwinner as finding employment with a wage similar to his prior job is difficult. I have money for a home, but its tied up. I can't make any big moves right now because of credit and funds.

I let a lot of my friendships die because 1. He didn't like a lot of my friends and 2. When I moved in with him, it became a bit difficult to maintain, due to the distance. 

And when it comes to dressing, I just meant, when I go out, I tend to dress a bit more....I guess coquette? I like a very colorful, feminine look. I know how to look sophisticated and classy too. I just feel icky now because he obviously has an attraction to teenage girls. When we first met, I was wearing a pink and white jumper dress and KEDS. Did he choose me because I give that....aesthetic, but it's "safe" because I'm of age?

[Emily O-Hara]

11 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Whatever happened between him and his sister-in-law is in the past. He can’t change it anymore. If he expressed regret over his actions and changed, that shouldn’t be held against him anymore.

In my opinion, a much bigger problem is this:

Now, this is an emotionally abusive statement. By saying that, he attempted to destroy your confidence and self esteem, manipulating you into staying with him for a very wrong reason.

It’s extremely disconcerting that he is saying such things to you, even if that’s just his despair talking. 

I think that men who say something like this:

should be approached with caution. Unless he is 14, he should understand that such grand, overblown statements should better be avoided, as they exert an unduly strong emotional pressure on the partner.

 

I think he was saying that as a trauma response. He doesn't want to be abandoned and feels rejection very deeply. Like, I get it. But everything he has ever said came up when he told me about the incident.

[stillafool]

18 hours ago, Emily O-Hara said:

I'm in my 30's. He has told me that I have hit the wall, that I'm old, that  men wouldn't necessarily want me because I'm not young anymore. But then I think.....I look 25. I dress like I'm 18, naturally.

30 may be old to him because he's attracted to teenage girls.  A 30 year old man having sex with his 16 year old sister-in-law and blaming her for coming on to him has some serious problems.  If he is on probation that usually means he was convicted of the crime, but put on probation instead of going to jail.  So I don't understand that part either.  At 30, do you have a job?  If so, I would get a second one to help finance my move; but I would definitely get away from him as fast as I can.  Search the papers for someone who is advertising for a roommate.

[Gebidozo]

On 5/8/2024 at 11:17 PM, Emily O-Hara said:

I let a lot of my friendships die because 1. He didn't like a lot of my friends

That’s not cool.

Friendships are very important, and you shouldn’t sacrifice them just because your partner doesn’t like your friends. 

OP, it sounds like you gave up too much for him, got dependent on him, emotionally and materially. This is very unhealthy.

[mark clemson]

Life is a marathon, not a sprint. If you're attractive it's unlikely you wouldn't be able to find a new partner at some point. Of course, getting yourself into a position where you can leave

There are couples who stay together for primarily financial reasons and have little romantic to do with each other. So that certainly happens, but I don't think people tend to recommend it IF there are other options.

I'd suggest staying away from guys with overly sketchy histories if you leave and move on.

[S2B]

I would create distance from him. Now that you have this new info - it’s understandable it makes you feel differently about him.

and your  future is based on decisions YOU make - if it were me I would like to leave him in my past… and have nothing of him in my future.

just being on your own is easier than carrying someone else’s baggage along with yours.

live your life without him. He will take a long time to prove that he’s changed - a preference of gals of a young age seems like something I wouldn’t be capable of understanding nor accepting in any partner.