Just sort of lost.

[GHarms]

This might be a tad long, so I hope you'll hang in there with me and help me out. I work with this amazing woman, and we have been talking for months now. She is quite a bit younger than I am (I'm 45 and she is 29) but we definitely click. The relationship started off as me just trying to help her out of a funk that she was in. She was seriously down on herself and thought she was fat and ugly. She is neither. She had an ex that had substance abuse issues and abused her, and the man she tried to move on with next died. So understandably, she is reticent to get into something with anyone. I talked to her for months trying to get her to see that she was a beautiful, strong, amazing woman, and during that time, I found myself sort of falling for her. I figured there was exactly zero chance she would want to be with a man my age, and she is incredibly out of my league. After awhile, when I felt like she was in a better place and I wouldn't be taking advantage of her situation, I asked her out on a date. She said she was very interested in me, she found me attractive and could see herself in a relationship with me, but that she was not ready. I am in no way a pushy idiot of a male, so I said I understood and that I wouldn't wait for her necessarily, but perhaps someday it could be something else. That was about 6 months ago. Since then, we have continued to talk every day, and I would continue to tell her what an amazing person she is, but she would say things every so often like "See, my life is a mess, you don't want to be with me". 

 

I started to understand that showering her with praise every day was starting to become a bit effeminate. It's sort of a double edged sword for us men. We want you ladies to know how amazing and beautiful and smart you are, but heaping that praise on you day in and day out gives off very feminine vibes. The last time she said "You don't want to be with me", I decided to change tactics. I have never once been a man known to "neg" a woman to get a response out of her, but the best I could muster that was anywhere close to that was "Nah, you're my girl. We may not be there yet, but we're getting closer, and I've decided I am going to wait for you". It definitely worked. Our chats went from a handful of texts a day to dozens and dozens. The topics turned sexual in nature, and the tone was not if, but rather when from then on. I started making plans to move shifts so that I could actually spend time with her (we work the exact opposite shifts, making it hard to hang out in person outside of work), we started making plans to hang out together with our children so they could get to know one another, we have plans to attend events together. It seemed like it had kicked into a new gear and that it seemed like we were moving towards something more than we had been.

 

This weekend, she got sick and called out. I texted her to check on her and sort of got radio silence, and continued to get radio silence for about 48 hours. I had seen this before. When she's sick or sad or super tired, she would just sort of shut down, so I sent her a text saying that I hated these days, but I understood why she did it and that the past with my ex had caused me some issues with being ignored like that, but that it wasn't her, so that trigger shouldn't pertain to her. She contacted me back and said that she was very sorry, that she was just feeling terrible and that she was starting to feel better and was sorry, that she shouldn't shut me out for days at a time when things happened. I told her it was fine and that it wasn't a big issue because I know why she does it, so it was my issue to get over, not hers to suddenly change after years of doing it to protect herself and her emotions. She still said she shouldn't do it, but thanked me for understanding. We got back to talking right away, and again, some sexual jokes and comments were made. Both of us have gone quite awhile without being intimate with someone. I had said that hopefully, one way or another, the dry spell for us both should be ending soonish. It was at this point where she was up front with me and said that she was still very down about herself, and that hang up was causing issues with being able to commit to a relationship, sexual or not, with me. Said she was at an all time low for self esteem right now and said she would understand if I needed to go and get my needs met without her.

 

I told her no, I had decided to stick it out with her, at which point she said "when it does happen, at least you can just pop over here on breaks", not knowing that I was going to switch my shifts to be able to spend time with her. I told her about the shift change and then tried my one last ditch effort to just make her see herself through my eyes. I have told her since the start that her happiness is what I am aiming for, even if that means without me. I have told her I am not like the other men in her life that have treated her so poorly. I will not cease being in her life if I don't get what I'd like from her. I'm here for the long haul. I am terrified that if and when she finally sees what I see, she will realize just how far out of my league she really is and leave, but if that is what happens, then at least I know I held true to my principles.

 

But here is the issue. This is the first woman I have even had interest in since divorcing my wife of 16 years. I took a very long time off to work on myself and figure out why I would stay so long with someone who treated me so poorly. I don't know if I have it in me to try and prop up her self esteem. I don't know that I can fix her. I guess "fix" is the wrong word, she isn't broken. She just needs to see how amazing she is, and I thought I had achieved that after literally nearly a year of heaping praise and love on her, and I don't know if I can do this hot/cold thing over and over and over again. The whiplash from happy to sad by me is getting to the point where I am starting to feel depressed. It's hard to walk away from something that you know could be so amazing when you also know it might never happen at all.

 

I guess my question is for the ladies. I know there are women out there that have been so terribly mistreated by men in the past, and it makes it hard to trust another man, and that your self esteems have been terribly damaged by these......well, I call them the "b**ch made motherf***ers" that mistreated her. Do I keep at it? Stay consistent? Fight for a woman that just needs some time? Or do I walk away, remain her friend, and try to find someone else? It feels like walking away will just mean I settled for less than I actually wanted, and I married less than for 16 years. It wasn't a good outcome. You can be as blunt and brutal as you need to be. I just need to know if this is a lost cause that will just end in heartache and lost time for me, or if my perseverance might actually pay off in the end.

 

Anyways, thanks for reading this. It helped just to "talk" about it. It's hard to talk about it in real life since we work together and don't really want it to get out....at least not until much later.

[Gebidozo]

Ok, I’m a guy so I’m not sure whether you want my advice, but, for what it’s worth, here it is.

I think you are being too timid and overthinking things. It’s not the overpraising that comes across as, in your own words, “effeminate” (I don’t even think there is such a thing as overpraising a woman! Just keep praising her, if it’s sincere, how can it be bad?) It’s the hesitant approach, lack of direct initiative, and phrases such as “I just want your happiness, with or without me”.

You want her to be more confident, appreciate herself more as a woman? Tell her you want her, you love her, you want to be with her. Woo her, conquer her, otherwise she’ll think she isn’t attractive enough to awaken passion in you.

By the way, I’m a 48 year old man in a relationship with a 30 year old woman, and my lady told me that one of her reasons for choosing me over another guy who wanted to be with her is the fact that I wanted her more and fought for her.

[Acacia98]

In my experience, tremendously insecure people end up breaking the hearts of the folks who love them. And it's because, ultimately, no matter how much you say to build them up, if they haven't done the work to rebuild their self-esteem on their own initiative, they won't believe you. You may have a seemingly great relationship for some time, but one day, they will ultimately bolt.

So she doesn't "just need some time." She needs to take ownership of her own healing process and therapy. And if one day she gets to the point where she feels ready to invest in a relationship with you as an equal, then she knows where to find you.

In the meantime, you need to take the time to completely heal from your own previous abusive experiences and to rebuild your own self-esteem and sense of confidence. I say that because the fact that this deeply wounded woman is the only one you have been interested in since your divorce suggests you're not quite in a good place yourself yet.