Does he want more than just sex?

[Runninggirl]

On 5/17/2024 at 10:21 AM, Gebidozo said:

It’s a classic romantic dilemma: do you challenge the other person, compelling them to chase you in return, or do you just leave it to the other person to make the decision all on their own?

It’s a really tough call. I can totally understand your friend’s point of view. I can even say that I partially agree with your friend’s suggestion. Sometimes people do need a push to make the right decision. We aren’t flawless individuals who always know what’s right. The guy is obviously being pushed around and probably intimidated by his ex, so why not engage her in battle? He’s clearly interested in you romantically and is just too weak to make a clear decision now.

On the other hand, I also understand your decision. The guy isn’t a thing, he is a human being with his own free will, and he chose to live six more months with his ex, which is something you can’t (and probably shouldn’t) accept. Giving him an ultimatum, pressuring him to do something so obvious that he could have figured it out by himself can be seen as humiliating for you, and unhealthy for your further relationship with that man.

I guess it all depends on how much you want him, and how much you want him to want you.

Personally, I’d follow your friend’s advice. You won’t really lose anything if you tell him he should move out now if he wants to be with you. If he truly wants you, he’ll do it, and you’ll be happy. If he doesn’t move out, then he really doesn’t truly want to have a serious relationship with you. There will be no doubts then, you’ll be able to have closure and fully move on.

 

I get that. But if that was the case - that hes actually interested in me romantically, I don't have to push him. Regardless of whether its the right person/something real between us, its not the right timing. He's still living with her etc etc. Neither of us is that invested that we need to burn all bridges to be together. Its better to just leave it, not push it, and then maybe in the future if Im still single and he's interested we can have a fair and normal chance. 

I saw on instastory yesterday that he went to his friends birthday - and she came along. She's good friends with the girlfriend of his friend - but still. Its weird to keep going to things as couple even if everyone knows you're broken up. We all know how that goes. Everyone will keep telling them that they're so cute together and they hope they work it out bla bla bla. Im not going to date a guy who's doing those sorts of things on the days we're not meeting up. 

Maybe he's fully single and interested. But we jumped the gun by meeting up pre maturely. 

He's not a bad guy, we both should have just stuck to the initial plan on not really meeting until he was fully out of it. 

[stillafool]

9 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

I saw on instastory yesterday that he went to his friends birthday - and she came along. She's good friends with the girlfriend of his friend - but still. Its weird to keep going to things as couple even if everyone knows you're broken up. We all know how that goes. Everyone will keep telling them that they're so cute together and they hope they work it out bla bla bla. Im not going to date a guy who's doing those sorts of things on the days we're not meeting up. 

It sounds like they're still together and still functioning as a couple.  He's cheating on her by having sex with you.  I think it would be healthy for you not to look at his/their social media to find out what's going on with him/them especially if you want to get over him and put this behind you.  

[FredEire]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It sounds like they're still together and still functioning as a couple.  He's cheating on her by having sex with you.  I think it would be healthy for you not to look at his/their social media to find out what's going on with him/them especially if you want to get over him and put this behind you.  

I think he's probably being honest about them being broken up, but there's a fair chance they are still having sex and the whole thing is devolving into an off-again, on-again mess where they can't fully let eachother go, made even worse by the living situation.

I think his thing with OP may have been a bit of an escapism fantasy, which would explain all the texting about how excited he was to see her all the time. It provides a route out of the mess he's in and some time to not think about how deep he's in it.

[Runninggirl]

16 hours ago, FredEire said:

I think he's probably being honest about them being broken up, but there's a fair chance they are still having sex and the whole thing is devolving into an off-again, on-again mess where they can't fully let eachother go, made even worse by the living situation.

I think his thing with OP may have been a bit of an escapism fantasy, which would explain all the texting about how excited he was to see her all the time. It provides a route out of the mess he's in and some time to not think about how deep he's in it.

I think this is correct. I also think if there would ever be a chance for something serious he would have to get fully out of that first. If its not me, he's definitely going to find someone else to hook up with on the side, and she will get jealous again and they will argue all summer, and eventually leave each other on bad terms. What a horrible decision to still live together after breaking up... Only when they are really finished I would know if he actually likes me. 

Im staying away from that mess, even if I have to admit I feel a bit sad these days - a little heart broken actually haha. So stupid, Ive only met this guy three times over 1,5 month. 

He hasn't contacted me or suggested meeting up again. Kind of glad that I dont have to tell him off. We can just _leave it_. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

If its not me, he's definitely going to find someone else to hook up with on the side

For all you, he already has done so. You are assuming you're the first "side" hook-up he's had, but there could have well been someone else before you. Or someone else even now. 

Either way, I would forget this guy. He's messy. 

[Runninggirl]

On 5/19/2024 at 3:16 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

For all you, he already has done so. You are assuming you're the first "side" hook-up he's had, but there could have well been someone else before you. Or someone else even now. 

Either way, I would forget this guy. He's messy. 

I totally agree. 

Its just so strange how he was sooooooo eager and seemed so serious in the way he spoke to me since march all up until last monday, and suddenly Im out. But I guess that's part of the process of moving on for him as well. Ive been there too. Im constantly trying to remind myself that its all good. Im all good. Stupid to feel like I do after so little, I got my hopes up way more than I thought.

I will update if something more happens, but I will leave him alone. 

[stillafool]

17 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

Stupid to feel like I do after so little, I got my hopes up way more than I thought.

Unfortunately having sex with someone so soon who you are unsure about can make that happen.

[Runninggirl]

After a little over a week with no contact I felt slightly better. Saturday was the first day I really felt better, disconnected from the post sex bonding hormons,

And then he texted me on saturday. Just a nice "How is your saturday?" followed by "Now me and my ex have decided to share the house and live in it every other week, so now Im so excited to see you".

I replied with "How are things with that going, is it ok?" 

He then said "Yes its okay. A bit of a mess these day, but easier when we are splitting the house 50/50. Makes it 10000% easier. I can't wait to see you. I won't keep you, have fun tonight:)" 

I replied that I was having a great time where I was, and not anything to the rest. He replied again "I love that you're having fun. I miss you!"

Then later he drunk dialed me to tell me he missed me, and just wanted to speak with me.

Im not planning on following up on this with him. I believe that i haven't heard from him because things are messy with his ex, and not because he's trying to use me or be an a**h***. But clearly the mess is not finished yet, and I dont want to be involved in that. 

But I will keep you guys posted anyway. I really appreciate your input! 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

"Now me and my ex have decided to share the house and live in it every other week

What exactly is his long term plan? 

This would not be cool with me - I don’t want to date a man who is still financially and emotionally tied to his ex in this way…

The timing is not right here - not for me.

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I believe that i haven't heard from him because things are messy with his ex, and not because he's trying to use me or be an a**h***.

I agree, he seems to be genuinely into you and is trying his best to solve the ex problem. He just should try harder. Someone should tell him that he could lose you over his lack of decisive action. But things aren’t always simple in life. Change is hard and drastic decisions aren’t for the weak of heart.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Now me and my ex have decided to share the house and live in it every other week

They're both delusional if they really think that arrangement is going to work. And I wouldn't bother with him at all anymore. He's still way too tied up with her and no sane woman is going to subject herself to dating him in that context. 

Please move on from this guy. 

[introverted1]

13 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Now me and my ex have decided to share the house and live in it every other week,

What does this mean?  He's going to live in it one week and her the next?  Where are they going to be living on the off weeks and why can't they just live wherever that is permanently? 

[dancehead]

3 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

What does this mean?  He's going to live in it one week and her the next?  Where are they going to be living on the off weeks and why can't they just live wherever that is permanently? 

Yes! This is a very strange arrangement. He's buying his own place isn't he so why does he need to live in the old house every other week?  Or is the house purchase off now?

Running girl I just read all the 4 pages of this story and to be honest I feel a little sad for you because I've been in your shoes seeing someone who was living with their ex, and that didn't work out for me either. Look after yourself and take care and don't see this guy at least until he is fully separated from the ex properly.

[NuevoYorko]

It's basically still the same situation which, IMO, is very unacceptable for you (if you'd like to be in a relationship) to engage with.

Bottom line, doesn't make that much of a difference whether they are having sex, living in the same house part time or full time, whatever - he is enmeshed with another woman and what he would be able to offer you is defined by what's going on between the two of them.

Effectively he is not "single and free" at all.

[stillafool]

On 5/19/2024 at 6:17 AM, Runninggirl said:

Only when they are really finished I would know if he actually likes me. 

 

On 5/19/2024 at 6:17 AM, Runninggirl said:

Im staying away from that mess,

What happened to the above?  I didn't read where you told him not to contact you until he's moved out and finished with his ex.  You seemed to, once again, go along with him and I wouldn't be surprised if you do see him and have sex with him again, while he's still with his ex.

[evillover]

Just be direct on what you want. 

[NuevoYorko]

To be blunt:  you seem to be very easily  "played."   

It's obvious that  this guy knows there are things he could say to you to get you back on the hookup rotation,  and he's trying them out.  While drunk sometimes.  He just assumes that you are going to go along with this "50/50" scheme as if it were truly a seperation from this woman (who he went to a party with a little over a week ago).  He simply told you they were going to do this and so he is now so happy he can see you?   Why would he assume that?   It has nothing to do with untangling his life from this woman's life.   It's still all about an "arrangement" with her.  

Why would you choose to make yourself available for this?   It's insulting, I should think.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, NuevoYorko said:

It's obvious that  this guy knows there are things he could say to you to get you back on the hookup rotation,  and he's trying them out

Yes, this is my take on it, too. 

He's just testing out lines and seeing what works with you, OP. 

 

[FredEire]

3 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

To be blunt:  you seem to be very easily  "played."   

It's obvious that  this guy knows there are things he could say to you to get you back on the hookup rotation,  and he's trying them out.  While drunk sometimes.  He just assumes that you are going to go along with this "50/50" scheme as if it were truly a seperation from this woman (who he went to a party with a little over a week ago).  He simply told you they were going to do this and so he is now so happy he can see you?   Why would he assume that?   It has nothing to do with untangling his life from this woman's life.   It's still all about an "arrangement" with her.  

Why would you choose to make yourself available for this?   It's insulting, I should think.

Yes seems like a negotiation tactic. Just giving enough carrot to get you back in and possibly sex with the ex at the same time.

I think if he was serious about you he'd be doing anything to find a way out of there ASAP.

[NuevoYorko]

6 hours ago, FredEire said:

 Just giving enough carrot to get you back in and possibly sex with the ex at the same time.

Sure this is definitely a possibility but I really would like the OP to not focus on this.  People really get hung up on "well, they haven't had sex in x number of years" etc. when they're getting involved with someone who is not really "free."

Seriously, whether they have sex or not is practically immaterial.  He is ENMESHED in his life with this person.  She has given him grief when he went somewhere with the OP.  He is planning his entire home purchase, remodel, and move-in around organizing his life with her.   He went to a party with her recently and there are pictures of it on social media.   

He is not extricated.  Frankly if this were his mother it would still be a red red flag.  Whether they're having sex or not doesn't even make much of a difference - the OP would never know one way or the other, really.   

[stillafool]

56 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

He is not extricated.  Frankly if this were his mother it would still be a red red flag.  Whether they're having sex or not doesn't even make much of a difference - the OP would never know one way or the other, really.   

I know at this point he's made OP the OW and she can't claim she doesn't know this at this point.

[Runninggirl]

On 5/27/2024 at 2:12 AM, BaileyB said:

What exactly is his long term plan? 

This would not be cool with me - I don’t want to date a man who is still financially and emotionally tied to his ex in this way…

The timing is not right here - not for me.

 

On 5/27/2024 at 7:58 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

They're both delusional if they really think that arrangement is going to work. And I wouldn't bother with him at all anymore. He's still way too tied up with her and no sane woman is going to subject herself to dating him in that context. 

Please move on from this guy. 

 

On 5/27/2024 at 1:26 PM, introverted1 said:

What does this mean?  He's going to live in it one week and her the next?  Where are they going to be living on the off weeks and why can't they just live wherever that is permanently? 

Yes. Apparently. He will live the other half of the time with his parents. He said he wasn't too thrilled about being at home at that age. 

He texted me again today about living with his parents wasn't ideal, but it was how it had to be. That co living didnt work at all, and that they had fought all week to the point where they needed another solution. I doubt this will work either, I guess all they do is sour whatever is left even more. Im definitely not jealous. When me and my ex broke up I was devastated, and I wanted nothing more than to hold on to him. In hindsight I'm very happy for the clean break. Much more healthy. 

 

On 5/27/2024 at 1:36 PM, dancehead said:

Yes! This is a very strange arrangement. He's buying his own place isn't he so why does he need to live in the old house every other week?  Or is the house purchase off now?

Running girl I just read all the 4 pages of this story and to be honest I feel a little sad for you because I've been in your shoes seeing someone who was living with their ex, and that didn't work out for me either. Look after yourself and take care and don't see this guy at least until he is fully separated from the ex properly.

No the house is still on, but he won't get the deed until september. 

The weekend REALLY helped. Im not seeing him, in my head. In my head his a future possibility, but nothing for now. I even met someone this weekend that Ive been chatting to a little bit. Not sure that will turn into anything, but definitely helped with the post sex obsessive thoughts. My mind feels more clear now. 

On 5/27/2024 at 5:20 PM, stillafool said:

 

What happened to the above?  I didn't read where you told him not to contact you until he's moved out and finished with his ex.  You seemed to, once again, go along with him and I wouldn't be surprised if you do see him and have sex with him again, while he's still with his ex.

I didnt tell him not to contact me, but I won't reach out to him or meet him. He hasn't really done anything wrong, and Im not upset. We've known each other for a while, so I dont see a reason to be difficult if I now feel fine. Im not having sex with him again anytime soon. 

I honestly feel much better after we spoke. He made it pretty clear we haven't kept in touch because the situation has been chaos, and he wants to wait with seeing me again until they've sorted out everything. Its not an ideal situation, but seems like honest work to me. 

Whether ill be available to date or not when he has things with his ex sorted is his risk. Im not waiting for anyone  

[stillafool]

On 5/15/2024 at 3:56 PM, Runninggirl said:

 

Quote

On monday he texted me that his ex went off on him again after she had apparently spotted me at an event on sunday. I think its such a weird thing to tell me. Why contact me just to tell me that. In some weird way its almost as if seeing me resparked something between them.

Yes it did.  It made her realize she doesn't want to lose him. (If any of what he's told you is true.)

Quote

I didnt really answer much and haven't made contact with him since. I haven't heard anything either, and suddenly its been three days. Its driving me a little insane, not sure why he suddenly stopped, but I know its better to just leave it. This feeling will pass. 

This is why you need to block him.  Just hearing his voice has you waiting, wanting and expecting more communication from him, even though you said you were done until he showed you he had moved out and ended it with her.  He has not and you're still talking to him and wanting more.

Quote

 

If he wants to give it a real shot he can ask for one when he has moved out. If he contacts me again before that about seeing me, Ill simply say something along the lines of:

"As long as you're in that situation its a no from me. I know I said I would be patient in the beginning, but we both unfortunately jumped on the train too quickly. How the situation escalated has just made me very uncomfortable, and its not the way I would like to get to know something. I think you need to sort out your affairs before jumping into new ones. Its not personal, I think you're a great guy, and I know we have great chemistry, but this is not for me. If you're serious about me, feel free to reach out when you're actually available. Life is long, who knows what happens. But nothing will continue to happen now" 

"Look, my initial impression was that you are a really great guy, and we clearly have great chemistry. But this thing with your ex is not the type of situation I would ever want to get into. We're both at fault for getting ahead of ourselves, when we should have just waited like planned. I get the feeling you're not out of your relationship emotionally, and I understand if you're not. I wouldn't be either. Im sure you understand why I dont want to get mixed up in something that's half hearted. If you're serious about me, maybe we'll see each other in the future. For now this is unfortunately how it has to be." 

 

 

You had the perfect opportunity to tell him all of this when he contacted you this time.  Instead you left the door open for him AGAIN and still will not block him.  Frankly you don't have to say all that you wrote above, just "Look, please don't contact me again until you've broken up with your girl and moved into your own place."  Then hang up.  Simple as that.

[NuevoYorko]

All this "I am living in the "ex" girlfriend's house 50% of the time and I'm so happy to be able to see you!"  along with his complaining about staying with his parents seems like hint dropping:  Maybe there's a possibility of camping out at your place the other 50% of the time?   Will save him from the humiliation of living with the 'rents.   

Please steer clear of any further involvement until / unless he lives somewhere else that has nothing to do with his ex.   100% of the time.

[Runninggirl]

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

All this "I am living in the "ex" girlfriend's house 50% of the time and I'm so happy to be able to see you!"  along with his complaining about staying with his parents seems like hint dropping:  Maybe there's a possibility of camping out at your place the other 50% of the time?   Will save him from the humiliation of living with the 'rents.   

Please steer clear of any further involvement until / unless he lives somewhere else that has nothing to do with his ex.   100% of the time.

hahaha he will definitely NOT move into my place, I don't run a b&b. No way.