Does he want more than just sex?

[BaileyB]

On 5/8/2024 at 12:33 PM, Runninggirl said:

communicator, he felt so safe, and really gave me my self worth back. For the first time I could set boundaries

Respectfully, I don’t see that you have set any boundaries whatsoever…

What’s more, how exactly do you set boundaries when you are not actually in a relationship with the man? 

Edited May 11 by BaileyB

[NuevoYorko]

I just reread the first post, OP.   

You said you think it was February when he broke up with the girlfriend?   And they are still cohabiting?  

Regardless:  If you are really, honestly interested in whether he is serious about you AT ALL, I think you should just tell him that it's not a good idea for you to keep having booty calls with him while he still lives with his "ex" girlfriend.   Tell him that you'd like to spend time with him after he gets moved into his own place.  

Then, you will be able to know if you two are going to be dating, or it's still booty calls.  If booty calls, at least it won't be constrained by his responsibilities at home.   

@Runninggirl - you were so brought down by your other relationship where the guy was not all in.   Please do not choose to do something similar to yourself again, now.   

 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

But Im 100% sure that they are broken up. Ive had it confirmed from several other outside sources, and he also stated it in a group setting to someone else.

So? 

That doesn't mean they aren't still emotionally attached to each other and having sex together. 

[NuevoYorko]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So? 

That doesn't mean they aren't still emotionally attached to each other and having sex together. 

Right.  The reality is:  He lives with a woman he's been in a relationship for a long time.  Supposedly they "broke up" 3 - 4 months ago and they still live together.  He organizes his private life to accommodate for how she's feeling about things.

Whether they are broken up, having sex, or not - the facts are what I just wrote.

In what world is this a situation conducive to nurturing a new relationship along?  

None.

 

[NuevoYorko]

One more point I would like to make.   Women tend to ask often "is he only  interested in me / using me for sex?"  

Please keep in mind that men are susceptible to getting carried away by endorphins brought on by good sex.   That's not strictly female territory.   

So if he's feeling "high" on the sex and acting a certain kind of way, this does not mean that he's necessarily looking at you for a serious relationship OR "using" you on purpose.

It simply means that he's into the sex.  He might not even be thinking about what it means or what he wants - he's enjoying the sex.   So he wants more of that.   If he decides he wants something else as well, he will show you.

[Runninggirl]

Thank you. I think my gut feeling should probably be enough to keep me cautious at this point. The first guy I described I never felt like that with, and that's probably a good tell.

if he is actually into me he will reach out for more after moving out anyway. There's really no rush, I dont know why I feel like it is

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you feel like there’s more of a rush here because you know he goes home to his ex at night. 

And the longer that continues, the more pointless it is to want more from this. 

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

you were so brought down by your other relationship where the guy was not all in.   Please do not choose to do something similar to yourself again, now. 

This was also my first thought reading the first post where OP mentioned her previous relationship and how much damage that did. Here you are, choosing a man who is in a very complicated situation… if you want to have good experiences in relationships, you have to choose wisely. I don’t think that’s happening here - you are following your heart, when you should be listening more to your head. And when we do that, it tends to end in a broken heart…
 

8 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

The reality is:  He lives with a woman he's been in a relationship for a long time.  Supposedly they "broke up" 3 - 4 months ago and they still live together.  He organizes his private life to accommodate for how she's feeling about things.

In other words, he is still in a relationship with the woman… that’s the bottom line. 

That was my first thought - this guy is not single. He says that he is single and ready to mingle, but in actuality it is not true. 

You have to really ask yourself about his judgment when he is out pursuing sex, before he has even left his last partner.

OP is trying to “date” a man who is still very much involved with another woman. And that is a recipe for disaster. 

Edited May 12 by BaileyB

[NuevoYorko]

5 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

There's really no rush, I dont know why I feel like it is

Because you WANT it to be the real deal so you already, right out of the gate, have made concessions in order to ameliorate the risk of him bailing on you.   

If you let him know that you won't continue this with him until he's established on his own, you know that there's a good chance he will not come around later.   

You're engaging in some "magical thinking" that these hookups, under these circumstances,  have a chance of leading to a stable relationship.  

I don't want to be a huge buzz killer, but surely you know that even without the complication of providing a "no strings" sexual outlet for him during this time, the chances of beginning a successful longterm relationship with anyone who is barely out of a long relationship themselves are pretty slim.  It's advised against almost unanimously.   That said, sure - there are exceptions.  This might turn out to be one.  If it is not though, you will be much less harmed if you're not "hopefully" having sex encounters with him as he continues with his separation logistics.   

Take care of yourself please.  And be realistic; look at your past patterns of proceeding on hopes & dreams.

[Runninggirl]

7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

This was also my first thought reading the first post where OP mentioned her previous relationship and how much damage that did. Here you are, choosing a man who is in a very complicated situation… if you want to have good experiences in relationships, you have to choose wisely. I don’t think that’s happening here - you are following your heart, when you should be listening more to your head. And when we do that, it tends to end in a broken heart…

You're right. I did that with the previous guy I dated that i mentioned in the beginning of my post. I followed my head instead of my heart. I couldn't get myself to really catch the right feelings. I feel like there's something wrong with me, why can't I fall for someone who's a good guy straight out of the gate. 

 

4 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Because you WANT it to be the real deal so you already, right out of the gate, have made concessions in order to ameliorate the risk of him bailing on you.   

If you let him know that you won't continue this with him until he's established on his own, you know that there's a good chance he will not come around later.   

You're engaging in some "magical thinking" that these hookups, under these circumstances,  have a chance of leading to a stable relationship.  

I don't want to be a huge buzz killer, but surely you know that even without the complication of providing a "no strings" sexual outlet for him during this time, the chances of beginning a successful longterm relationship with anyone who is barely out of a long relationship themselves are pretty slim.  It's advised against almost unanimously.   That said, sure - there are exceptions.  This might turn out to be one.  If it is not though, you will be much less harmed if you're not "hopefully" having sex encounters with him as he continues with his separation logistics.   

Take care of yourself please.  And be realistic; look at your past patterns of proceeding on hopes & dreams.

Yeah I think you're right. After we met up last week, we had almost a full day together. He was extremely contact seeking after, talking about the future, how we would do this and this together. After we met up this weekend Ive barely heard from him. And when I did he was still nice but nothing more. I haven't contacted him anymore after he was here. 

I think the rush I feel is because I really want a nice, stable and solid relationship. Im so over dating. I wanted something lasting a long time ago, and unfortunately haven't been able to find someone. The best one I found was the previous one, but it just didnt feel right. 

Im very good on my own, but I also want more. I want someone to share a life with.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I think the rush I feel is because I really want a nice, stable and solid relationship

If you want a nice, stable and solid relationship, only date men who are in a situation to be able to deliver

[Runninggirl]

Little update.

On monday he texted me that his ex went off on him again after she had apparently spotted me at an event on sunday. I think its such a weird thing to tell me. Why contact me just to tell me that. In some weird way its almost as if seeing me resparked something between them.

I didnt really answer much and haven't made contact with him since. I haven't heard anything either, and suddenly its been three days. Its driving me a little insane, not sure why he suddenly stopped, but I know its better to just leave it. This feeling will pass. 

If he wants to give it a real shot he can ask for one when he has moved out. If he contacts me again before that about seeing me, Ill simply say something along the lines of:

"As long as you're in that situation its a no from me. I know I said I would be patient in the beginning, but we both unfortunately jumped on the train too quickly. How the situation escalated has just made me very uncomfortable, and its not the way I would like to get to know something. I think you need to sort out your affairs before jumping into new ones. Its not personal, I think you're a great guy, and I know we have great chemistry, but this is not for me. If you're serious about me, feel free to reach out when you're actually available. Life is long, who knows what happens. But nothing will continue to happen now" 

"Look, my initial impression was that you are a really great guy, and we clearly have great chemistry. But this thing with your ex is not the type of situation I would ever want to get into. We're both at fault for getting ahead of ourselves, when we should have just waited like planned. I get the feeling you're not out of your relationship emotionally, and I understand if you're not. I wouldn't be either. Im sure you understand why I dont want to get mixed up in something that's half hearted. If you're serious about me, maybe we'll see each other in the future. For now this is unfortunately how it has to be." 

Or something like that. 

[stillafool]

I think you are making the right decision to end it until/if he moves out.  It's almost like he's telling you what she's saying so you'll end it.  It should be really simple for him to tell her:

"Yes you saw me with____________ and I'm dating her.  I'm not doing anything wrong because we are broken up and I've got an apartment and moving out next month.  Are you still wanting to buy me out?"  That should be it.  It sounds like they're getting back together.

Edited May 16 by stillafool

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

On monday he texted me that his ex went off on him again after she had apparently spotted me at an event on sunday. I think its such a weird thing to tell me. Why contact me just to tell me that.

Because I think he lacks the courage to be honest and tell you that he is going to be calling it off with you. 

My guess is that he is going to try again with her. 

[FredEire]

12 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Little update.

On monday he texted me that his ex went off on him again after she had apparently spotted me at an event on sunday. I think its such a weird thing to tell me. Why contact me just to tell me that. In some weird way its almost as if seeing me resparked something between them.

I didnt really answer much and haven't made contact with him since. I haven't heard anything either, and suddenly its been three days. Its driving me a little insane, not sure why he suddenly stopped, but I know its better to just leave it. This feeling will pass. 

If he wants to give it a real shot he can ask for one when he has moved out. If he contacts me again before that about seeing me, Ill simply say something along the lines of:

"As long as you're in that situation its a no from me. I know I said I would be patient in the beginning, but we both unfortunately jumped on the train too quickly. How the situation escalated has just made me very uncomfortable, and its not the way I would like to get to know something. I think you need to sort out your affairs before jumping into new ones. Its not personal, I think you're a great guy, and I know we have great chemistry, but this is not for me. If you're serious about me, feel free to reach out when you're actually available. Life is long, who knows what happens. But nothing will continue to happen now" 

"Look, my initial impression was that you are a really great guy, and we clearly have great chemistry. But this thing with your ex is not the type of situation I would ever want to get into. We're both at fault for getting ahead of ourselves, when we should have just waited like planned. I get the feeling you're not out of your relationship emotionally, and I understand if you're not. I wouldn't be either. Im sure you understand why I dont want to get mixed up in something that's half hearted. If you're serious about me, maybe we'll see each other in the future. For now this is unfortunately how it has to be." 

Or something like that. 

Seems about right, maybe a little bit long in my opinion. You just want to tell him that you like him and want something serious but you're not comfortable with the situation as it is, I don't blame you.

FWIW you're far from alone in being frustrated about not just wanting something easy, I think it's a very common experience. I'm currently seeing a girl who's very nice and would probably be great for me, but the last girl I got really excited about turned out to be very moody and volatile and the whole thing ended horribly when she stormed out of a date unceremoniously. It's very frustrating always wanting something that seems impossible and difficult, but it is what it is. Go figure. I don't think there's anything "wrong" with you.

What I reckon/hope is that when you find inner peace you'll find someone who both "clicks" and doesn't come while a whole load of baggage attached. Many friends in relationships have told me this is the way it goes eventually, when something is really right for you you have no reason to second-guess it.

[Alpacalia]

15 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Little update.

On monday he texted me that his ex went off on him again after she had apparently spotted me at an event on sunday. I think its such a weird thing to tell me. Why contact me just to tell me that. In some weird way its almost as if seeing me resparked something between them.

I didnt really answer much and haven't made contact with him since. I haven't heard anything either, and suddenly its been three days. Its driving me a little insane, not sure why he suddenly stopped, but I know its better to just leave it. This feeling will pass. 

If he wants to give it a real shot he can ask for one when he has moved out. If he contacts me again before that about seeing me, Ill simply say something along the lines of:

"As long as you're in that situation its a no from me. I know I said I would be patient in the beginning, but we both unfortunately jumped on the train too quickly. How the situation escalated has just made me very uncomfortable, and its not the way I would like to get to know something. I think you need to sort out your affairs before jumping into new ones. Its not personal, I think you're a great guy, and I know we have great chemistry, but this is not for me. If you're serious about me, feel free to reach out when you're actually available. Life is long, who knows what happens. But nothing will continue to happen now" 

"Look, my initial impression was that you are a really great guy, and we clearly have great chemistry. But this thing with your ex is not the type of situation I would ever want to get into. We're both at fault for getting ahead of ourselves, when we should have just waited like planned. I get the feeling you're not out of your relationship emotionally, and I understand if you're not. I wouldn't be either. Im sure you understand why I dont want to get mixed up in something that's half hearted. If you're serious about me, maybe we'll see each other in the future. For now this is unfortunately how it has to be." 

Or something like that. 

Good for you!

You're100% right. Better to wait for someone until they're truly ready to be in a relationship with you than to get hurt because they were still involved and entangled with someone else.

Best to wait until he has firmly put his ex in the past before you agree to blooming anything new with him if he were to approach you.

Stay strong and stand your ground! Let's see what pans out for you in the future when he's actually available for you. Good luck! 

[Runninggirl]

Another «small» update.

after complete silence for three days he messages me out of the blue today telling me he bought an apartment, and which one.

I think he told me because I had said a week ago I was very excited to hear what he landed on.

He was between two places, one very new and one old he would have to renovate. The latter is rented out.

He had bought the old one. I first thought was it will probably another month or two then. Then he said he would “get it” (don’t know the English term for this in real estate), in the middle of September, and had gotten a firm to estimate the work for about two months. Meaning he’ll move in november. I almost started laughing because it’s so stupid. I assume he plans on living rent free at his exes, because he initially told me that apartment would be too expensive for him. 

I thought it would be selfish to bring up so I didn’t. I just said I was happy for him and hoped he would be happy with the outcome when it was done. 

then he said he “was looking forward for me to come and visit him”.

Then we left it at that. Obviously not going to wait around for someone who wants to live with his ex for six months. Also in my head I think regardless of buying the apartment there’s a fair chance that them living together will end with them getting back together. 
 

a friend suggested I confront him and say he has to move out if he wants to pursue something serious with me, and that I give up too easily. But I honestly think if he was interested he should know that it’s up to him to pave the way to pursue it. We’re not really dating, at least not anymore in my opinion, so it’s not a natural topic now, unless he asks to meet up.

He was a very good friend to me a few years back when my ex broke up, and I’m trying to remind myself how grateful I was at the time for that - and that whatever short little fling we had now that it was his turn, was me returning the favor. No hard feelings 

Edited May 16 by Runninggirl

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, Runninggirl said:

I honestly think if he was interested he should know that it’s up to him to pave the way to pursue it.

Exactly.

It would seem that he is either not truly broken up with his ex or that he wants to keep her thinking that there is a chance of reconciliation so that he can continue to live with her until November.  Either way, he's in no position to start a new relationship. 

[flitzanu]

3 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

 

a friend suggested I confront him and say he has to move out if he wants to pursue something serious with me, and that I give up too easily. But I honestly think if he was interested he should know that it’s up to him to pave the way to pursue it.

that seems like really bad advice from your friend.  you're talking about confronting a stranger that you slept with twice about affirming committed relationship plans and that is going to make you sound incredibly insecure and desperate.

and regardless, this is overstating the obvious.  you don't have to "say" that to him -- that's simply a known fact if he wants to pursue something with anyone he's going to have to move out.  

i say you don't say anything to him.  if he's that serious, he'll find a way to to fix this himself and you aren't the one that needs to tell him "how"

[Runninggirl]

Yes, after I came home I went to the store and he actually cycled past me with a few friends. I didnt see him until he called out my name and looked up. And I realized he's freshly single, excited to live life a little. Even if he does like me and see me as more than sex, he's likely not in a place where he wants to commit to someone else right away. I think Ill put him away for now, and just reply whenever he contacts me - go back to how things was before, where he was just always a fan in the background commenting on things I posted and texting me every now and then, and being a friend. 

Maybe it will be more in the future, but not for now. 

[NuevoYorko]

Frankly it sounds like he might never actually get out if this relationship with his "ex."   You said they broke up in February - he's still there.  Now it's going to be until September until he gets access to this place, and then supposedly 2 months to renovate it?  But we know how that goes, extensive renovations go way over timelines regularly.  

Oh well, you're doing a good job of taking care of yourself here, keep it up!

[Runninggirl]

5 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Frankly it sounds like he might never actually get out if this relationship with his "ex."   You said they broke up in February - he's still there.  Now it's going to be until September until he gets access to this place, and then supposedly 2 months to renovate it?  But we know how that goes, extensive renovations go way over timelines regularly.  

Oh well, you're doing a good job of taking care of yourself here, keep it up!

I agree. I think either he's happy to be single, I was the help through the rough initial patch, and now he wants to live it up, or he's not over it and the time together will bring them together again.

With that said I checked and the house is in fact transferred to hers now, it was registered a few days ago. Its public information, so easy to check. 

[ExpatInItaly]

You know, OP, I know a man like this. He's a childhood friend who's always been rather messy in his personal life but has often confided in me about it. 

He was with his girlfriend for quite a while. Then he started checking out other options (women), and saying he and his girlfriend were heading towards SplitsVille. He met someone, and that is the narrative he sold her: He and the girlfriend were practically done, just had some logistics to sort out, blah, blah, blah. The new woman bought it. 

Well, when his "soon-to-be-ex" found out, this was news to her. He tried to convince her he still wanted to work on the relationship and would stop seeing this other woman. But the real reason he didn't take the opportunity to just end it? Well, his work was tied up in the company his girlfriend owned, and she essentially employed him. He realized that if she ended it, he would have some serious problems with his income. So he played at reconciliation, but it was obviously not coming from a genuine place. But he still sold tall tales to the "new" woman, saying he was going to get his own place soon, and start something new work-wise, and so on. This was mostly fantasy-talk on his part, since he didn't have any such plan in concrete terms. 

It came crashing down and his ex kicked him out. He lost a lot of income as she no longer employed his contracting business with her company.  I have to wonder if that is actually what happened here. Your guy and his ex may not have been truly over but when she found out he'd been seeing you, she made real moves to end it with him. And now he's apparently still hanging on because he needs a place to live. I would suggest you keep a lot of space from this guy. He sounds like an opportunist. 

Edited May 17 by ExpatInItaly

[Gebidozo]

16 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

a friend suggested I confront him and say he has to move out if he wants to pursue something serious with me, and that I give up too easily. But I honestly think if he was interested he should know that it’s up to him to pave the way to pursue it.

It’s a classic romantic dilemma: do you challenge the other person, compelling them to chase you in return, or do you just leave it to the other person to make the decision all on their own?

It’s a really tough call. I can totally understand your friend’s point of view. I can even say that I partially agree with your friend’s suggestion. Sometimes people do need a push to make the right decision. We aren’t flawless individuals who always know what’s right. The guy is obviously being pushed around and probably intimidated by his ex, so why not engage her in battle? He’s clearly interested in you romantically and is just too weak to make a clear decision now.

On the other hand, I also understand your decision. The guy isn’t a thing, he is a human being with his own free will, and he chose to live six more months with his ex, which is something you can’t (and probably shouldn’t) accept. Giving him an ultimatum, pressuring him to do something so obvious that he could have figured it out by himself can be seen as humiliating for you, and unhealthy for your further relationship with that man.

I guess it all depends on how much you want him, and how much you want him to want you.

Personally, I’d follow your friend’s advice. You won’t really lose anything if you tell him he should move out now if he wants to be with you. If he truly wants you, he’ll do it, and you’ll be happy. If he doesn’t move out, then he really doesn’t truly want to have a serious relationship with you. There will be no doubts then, you’ll be able to have closure and fully move on.

 

[BaileyB]

15 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Even if he does like me and see me as more than sex, he's likely not in a place where he wants to commit to someone else right away.

True. But, I think he’s still pretty tangled up with his ex. Not good boyfriend material.