Does he want more than just sex?

[basil67]

3 hours ago, introverted1 said:

What country are you in?  It's very unusual for a US closing to take that much time, but perhaps that's the norm where you live.

Where I am, the seller and buyer can agree to vary the standard settlement time

[introverted1]

12 hours ago, basil67 said:

Where I am, the seller and buyer can agree to vary the standard settlement time

Here, too, technically.  But this rarely happens since it adds risk.  And given that the housing market here is quite volatile right now (and potentially headed for a crash in certain areas) it's hard to think that any seller would want to delay. But yes, there could be reasons.

In any case, my skepticism has more to do with whether this guy really has a new residence in the works or if this is just another delaying tactic for him. 

Edited May 30, 2024 by introverted1

[Runninggirl]

On 5/30/2024 at 1:14 PM, introverted1 said:

Here, too, technically.  But this rarely happens since it adds risk.  And given that the housing market here is quite volatile right now (and potentially headed for a crash in certain areas) it's hard to think that any seller would want to delay. But yes, there could be reasons.

In any case, my skepticism has more to do with whether this guy really has a new residence in the works or if this is just another delaying tactic for him. 

I dont live in the us. In the country Im in you can agree on a different settlement time, and it normally takes a while. Your offer is legally binding from the minute the seller accepts, so it can't fall through in the mean time. The place wasn't for sale, he knew the owner and asked if they had considered selling it. They were only renting it out for years and years, and they agreed. The reason for the time delay is because the tenants has a three months notice. 

[Runninggirl]

Nothing really new here, he's sent a few texts hinting to meet up, which Ive not followed up on. Not really interested. But Ive had a very strange other encounter that I wanted you guyses advice on. Doesn't seem big enough to make its own thread about. Here it goes:

This guy I know asked me out on a date on wednesday. He's always been flirting a bit on text, always replying to stories etc. Seems like a really stand up guy, always had a good impression, but seemed a bit like the type who never initiates anything. I dont think he's very insecure, he's very much the type of guy who gets all the girls, because of his height and looks. 

He texted me wednesday asking if I was having a good day etc, we talked for a while, and it came up that he had just had a small surgery and had to chill and not really do anything for a week, no training, sweating, getting any water on the wound etc. I jokingly said we could chill out together sometime - as in hang out. He actually followed up with "How about dinner on saturday?", and we agreed to do so. 

The following days we talked more than normal.

Saturday came, and he texted me at 2pm with "Hey, Im so sorry. My sister asked if I could babysit because they didnt have anyone else, so I didnt feel like I could say no. I hope this is okay for you. Although what I obviously wanted to do the most was meet you." 

I was disappointed, but just shortly replied "That's okay. Nice of you to babysit :)" 

He texted me again

"I would have said no to ANYTHING else, but I couldn't say no to that little guy, he said he didnt want to stay with anyone else and my heart melted. Haha." 

He seemed genuinely disappointed in the next few texts. 

I chilled alone, went for a run etc. Around 11pm he text me something. I text him that I missed his company today, and we start talking a little. He starts telling me that he tried a little walking challenge to walk 55 000 steps in the day, which took 8 hours, and also that he had played with his nephew for four hours until he was picked up. I checked his strava, and it says he did the walking challenge, but started at 3pm, which means he was home around when I texted him. There's no way he babysat his nephew, which means he just made up an excuse not to see me. 

He ended up texting, and even slightly sexting for about two hours before going to bed. He mostly got slow one word responses from me, so it ended with him sort of giving up. If he wasn't interested in seeing me, why initiate it in the first place? And second, why text me again in the evening to chat?

Someone make it make sense. 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

…he's very much the type of guy who gets all the girls, because of his height and looks…

Someone make it make sense. 

You’re attracted to players.

[NuevoYorko]

UGH.  

[stillafool]

I hope he's blocked by now because he lied to you.  He got a better offer so he flaked.  I agree he sounds like a player.  I hope your dinner date was to go out somewhere and you weren't inviting him over to your place to cook dinner.  That's a set up for sex as you know by now.  I think you need to stop snooping on these guys.  Don't give them that much attention so early on.

[NuevoYorko]

I don't understand why you engage in stuff like this at all.   WHY are you available for "slightly sexting" with this person?   Please tell me.

He had a surgical procedure that required him to chill - but then did an 8 hour walking challenge?   And you still wanted to entertain his "sexting"?  

[NuevoYorko]

It's almost like if you actively selected for the worst possible dating prospects you could find for yourself - you'd end up with these fellows.  

I still can't even wrap my mind around you being available for his TWO FREAKING HOURS of "slightly sexting" before bed!    Girl please!   Slow or one word makes no difference - you were AVAILABLE for it. 

Stop this right now young lady!  

[basil67]

18 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

And second, why text me again in the evening to chat  sext?

Because he was horny and hoped for a wank and you were open to helping him.

[ExpatInItaly]

20 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

If he wasn't interested in seeing me, why initiate it in the first place? And second, why text me again in the evening to chat?

Because you lack boundaries with guys like this, and they'll take what they can get from you. 

The problem lies more with you than with them. You keep allowing this. 

[ZA Dater]

Sounds like a bad situation all round but you need to realize that you have power in this situation, she can set boundaries and stick to them. It sounds to me you are attracting the wrong type of person but equally you are enjoying the attention, there is nothing wrong with that but you need to be aware there is a clear agenda and you need to remind yourself.

Also do no over invest, its easy to do and in your own mind come up with lots of reasons why the person seems great but you need to equate the actions with the words and see if they are are aligned, which they do not seem to be.

 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

It sounds to me you are attracting the wrong type of person but equally you are enjoying the attention, there is nothing wrong with that but you need to be aware there is a clear agenda and you need to remind yourself.

This^, but it also sounds to me like you are attracted to and like sex with the wrong type of men.  The title of your thread Is "Does he want more than sex?", Me thinks you need to ask yourself that question too, because you always set yourself up for it and allow it.

Edited June 10, 2024 by stillafool

[FredEire]

46 minutes ago, stillafool said:

This^, but it also sounds to me like you are attracted to and like sex with the wrong type of men.  The title of your thread Is "Does he want more than sex?", Me thinks you need to ask yourself that question too, because you always set yourself up for it and allow it.

Yes it sounds rather like the old cliché of dating the wrong person and wanting to win them over, make them change their ways and like you instead of the other girls.

She basically said herself he looks like a bit of a player, it's fine to let yourself get taken for a ride by these people if thats what you want, but dont then get surprised when a player acts like a player.

You're never going to change these guys, and the desire to probably comes from a lack of self-esteem and something you feel you need to change within yourself.

[Runninggirl]

I never said he was a player, that's someone else's conclusion. Not my take on him at all. He's been in two long term relationships before being single again for the past 8 months. The relationships were from when he was 2013-2019 and 2021-2024. He doesn't drink, doesn't go out, likes to work out and likes children. When I said slightly sexting I really just meant flirting with sexual undertone. Nothing crazy at all. 

We were supposed to go out to dinner, not at mine or his place. 

What Im confused with is that his "better option" was going for a long walk? Of course maybe it was all true, maybe he was babysitting and the time stamp on strava was wrong. But I dont really believe it was wrong. So I dont understand that he would call of our date for really no plans.

He texted me again on sunday and giving out hints about meeting up again that day, but I didnt want to go see him on such notice, and I wasn't THAT interested.

Im mostly just confused. 

I also disagree a bit with several of you saying I lack boundaries because I would still talk to him in the evening. Block out a guy because he cancels a date? if his excuse was true, its a legit reason to cancel a date imo. Sometimes something gets in the way.. When I talked to him in the evening he told me about his babysitting, and it seemed very believable. 

[FredEire]

On 6/9/2024 at 1:22 PM, Runninggirl said:

Nothing really new here, he's sent a few texts hinting to meet up, which Ive not followed up on. Not really interested. But Ive had a very strange other encounter that I wanted you guyses advice on. Doesn't seem big enough to make its own thread about. Here it goes:

This guy I know asked me out on a date on wednesday. He's always been flirting a bit on text, always replying to stories etc. Seems like a really stand up guy, always had a good impression, but seemed a bit like the type who never initiates anything. I dont think he's very insecure, he's very much the type of guy who gets all the girls, because of his height and looks. 

He texted me wednesday asking if I was having a good day etc, we talked for a while, and it came up that he had just had a small surgery and had to chill and not really do anything for a week, no training, sweating, getting any water on the wound etc. I jokingly said we could chill out together sometime - as in hang out. He actually followed up with "How about dinner on saturday?", and we agreed to do so. 

The following days we talked more than normal.

Saturday came, and he texted me at 2pm with "Hey, Im so sorry. My sister asked if I could babysit because they didnt have anyone else, so I didnt feel like I could say no. I hope this is okay for you. Although what I obviously wanted to do the most was meet you." 

I was disappointed, but just shortly replied "That's okay. Nice of you to babysit :)" 

He texted me again

"I would have said no to ANYTHING else, but I couldn't say no to that little guy, he said he didnt want to stay with anyone else and my heart melted. Haha." 

He seemed genuinely disappointed in the next few texts. 

I chilled alone, went for a run etc. Around 11pm he text me something. I text him that I missed his company today, and we start talking a little. He starts telling me that he tried a little walking challenge to walk 55 000 steps in the day, which took 8 hours, and also that he had played with his nephew for four hours until he was picked up. I checked his strava, and it says he did the walking challenge, but started at 3pm, which means he was home around when I texted him. There's no way he babysat his nephew, which means he just made up an excuse not to see me. 

He ended up texting, and even slightly sexting for about two hours before going to bed. He mostly got slow one word responses from me, so it ended with him sort of giving up. If he wasn't interested in seeing me, why initiate it in the first place? And second, why text me again in the evening to chat?

Someone make it make sense. 

You said this, and then said he doesn't seem like he initiates but he initiated and subsequently flaked because he found something else to do.

Maybe he's just not the guy you would like to see him as? The "confusion" seems to be a clash between your nice impression of him and his actual actions.

[Runninggirl]

41 minutes ago, FredEire said:

You said this, and then said he doesn't seem like he initiates but he initiated and subsequently flaked because he found something else to do.

Maybe he's just not the guy you would like to see him as? The "confusion" seems to be a clash between your nice impression of him and his actual actions.

Yeah he gets a lot of attention, always girls flocking when Ive met him. 

He doesn't seem like the type who initiates much, but it was his suggestion to meet for dinner - but it was me who sort of gave him an assist to do so. 

Maybe hes not the one I see him as, maybe he's a genuine guy, maybe he's playing. Who knows. What I dont get is why he would cancel possibly without any good reason (walking alone for hours?) - I guess that means he's not that into me - but then try to initiate something the day after etc. Im confused.

[FredEire]

24 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

Yeah he gets a lot of attention, always girls flocking when Ive met him. 

He doesn't seem like the type who initiates much, but it was his suggestion to meet for dinner - but it was me who sort of gave him an assist to do so. 

Maybe hes not the one I see him as, maybe he's a genuine guy, maybe he's playing. Who knows. What I dont get is why he would cancel possibly without any good reason (walking alone for hours?) - I guess that means he's not that into me - but then try to initiate something the day after etc. Im confused.

Maybe he wasn't walking alone and was on a hiking date, maybe he has depression and he felt he had to go on a long walk that day, who knows. The list of possibilities is endless. What matters more is that it bothers you and makes you question yourself.

[NuevoYorko]

Genuine guy or not, he has behaved towards YOU as if you're dismissible and you made yourself available to him for "slight sexting" for TWO FREAKING HOURS on the same evening that he evidently just changed his mind about going out with you.

The guy and his qualities are really immaterial here - this is about YOU.

What do you think about how he was supposed to "chill," not do anything for a week, no sweating etc and then ... walking for EIGHT HOURS?   I know it's not strenuous but it's not in the spirit of post surgical resting, that's for damn sure.  

Again, I don't care about this guy and whether he's a good or not so good one - it is how YOU are dealing with this that is so alarming, especially immediately after (or in the midst) of the last guy whose life is still dictated by his "ex" / roommate, and hot on the heels of the boyfriend you came to this site about.  A guy who did the bare minimum and you chased desperately.  

This guy - there was one and only one way to handle the situation.  Tell him something like "that's too bad but I understand" when he first cancelled on you.  And "let me know if you'd like to do it some other time."  

And then ... NOTHING ELSE.  The ball should have been left firmly in his court.  100%.   

If he's a good guy who is interested in spending time with you he will reschedule the date.  If he thinks you are a person who is available to mess around when he's bored - he will evidently avail himself of that.

Please.   Treat yourself with more respect.

 

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

What I dont get is why he would cancel possibly without any good reason (walking alone for hours?) - I guess that means he's not that into me - but then try to initiate something the day after etc. Im confused.

If he's not into you why would he try to initiate something the day after?  What is confusiing about that?  You have your answer.

[ZA Dater]

10 hours ago, stillafool said:

If he's not into you why would he try to initiate something the day after?  What is confusiing about that?  You have your answer.

The problem here is I suspect this guy has a few options on the go and is struggling to determine which one is the most viable.

[ZA Dater]

3 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Options…..he is playing the field 

It would seem so but again OP should not be tolerating this in my opinion, if he was really attracted to her he would want to spend time with her. Again actions are not aligning to words. Though on some level the OP does find him attractive and its only human when you find someone attractive to perhaps not see what you do not want to see.

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

It would seem so but again OP should not be tolerating this in my opinion, if he was really attracted to her he would want to spend time with her. Again actions are not aligning to words. Though on some level the OP does find him attractive and its only human when you find someone attractive to perhaps not see what you do not want to see.

I agree. Confusion = who you want the person to be vs who the person really is. It's why so many bad relationships are characterised by confusion. The person in your head doesn't align with the person in the real world.

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, FredEire said:

I agree. Confusion = who you want the person to be vs who the person really is. It's why so many bad relationships are characterised by confusion. The person in your head doesn't align with the person in the real world.

It's a very bad situation even when it's it's business and with friends in general. I do believe people can change to a degree but in this scenario it would seem this guy is fairly indifferent meaning the OP would need to compromise even more to get some of his attention. Not something which is good in my view but I think it happens a lot in life in general.

[stillafool]

23 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Yeah he gets a lot of attention, always girls flocking when Ive met him.

You always go for this type and then you wonder why they don't show more interest.  Those guys have more options than they know what to do with.