Wife cheated with boss 2.5 years

[why2me]

Well here we go.... I found out roughly a month ago that my wife had been having a long affair with her boss and principal of the school for two and a half years. I discovered the affair while looking at my phone bill (which i never do). I noticed the same number multiple times and looked into it further and uncovered my wife's double life. The pain is unbearable and im struggling with understanding why and how she did this and who ive been married too. We have been together for 12 years and married for 8 years. We have a 3 and a half year old son and a 4 month old child (born on christmas day). After discovering the affair she lied and told me that the relationship was friendship and nothing more but she had kept it from me because she imagined i wouldn't understand and would think something was going on. This went on for a week and my friends and family all agreed that it most likely was platonic as she has always presented herself as a honest and nice caring person. I however knew that there was too much communication evidence- there were periods of hours on the phone and texts everyday. So i bluffed her into a confession. I told her i had found messages and she was a liar and i was leaving (i had none s she had cleared everything and was good at covering her tracks). She folded and asked to speak after we put our kids to bed. She told me she got caught up in it and had been going on for 2 1/2 years and would take place in her classroom storage closet. That they had developed a friendship and would talk about work and personal issues and one day he asked to meet outside school and leaned into to kiss her. She was honest and told me that they started meeting before school at a hospital parking lot initially before moving it into the classroom. I asked her f he had ever been here or at his house which she told me no. The trickle lies started. She stated that they didn't know where each other lived. Then "well he brought me Starbucks". Then "well he was here several times in the summers and we would have sex in the garage." Then finally admitted that he had been in the house. All the admissions were a result of me pressing her because the explanations made no sense. The lies have been the worst part because i feel like i cant trust her at all. Although she is remorseful and states she f***ed up and she caught up in something that she knew was wrong. I cant help but feel like theres no respect for me. That there is no thought of me and how i would feel. She's stating that she will do anything to fix what she has done and has expressed that she does not want to do life with me. But can i trust her? Is she maintaining the status quo? Is she scared about the embarrassment and possible repercussions of her job?

Ive told her that if she wants to stay together i would need one of two things to happen. The first would be to set up a meeting with the superintendent of her district and come clean. This may seem harsh but in my eyes its the right thing to do. There are prior cases where teachers retained their jobs after cases like this- not to mention he was her supervisor. Second i would like to move to Florida to start fresh (this would be a couple years down the road)- as i have family there which i left a long time ago before winding up married across the country. I told her that both would show a desire that she wanted to continue (not just words). We have also been going to marriage counseling once a week to talk through these issues and she is willing to go forward to report as well as consider moving. 

The hardest part for me is that she asked for a second child in the middle of this affair. The affair started when my son was 9 months old. I cant understand how someone could do this to someone. She has admitted that she took the guy to get a paternity test to make sure it wasn't his and was planning to abort pregnancy if she found out it was. She also admitted that the affair continued while she was pregnant with our second child and that she had sex with him up until a week prior to giving birth! I mean the whole thing is disgusting and i dont understand what kind of person im married too. The affair partner is married and i spoke with his wife 2 weeks ago. Her concern is that she doesn't want it getting out- which is completely ass backwards. My wife is 36 and he is 53! a 17 year age difference. Ive expressed concern to her and family and friends that something could be wrong with her. I mean why would someone self sabotage their life and sleep with someone not good looking and 17 years older? All at the start of a creating a family.... Its sad and i feel some responsibility to stay because how young my kids are and her emotional state. I do love her still despite all of the transgressions but struggling on the right thing to do. 

 

 

[FMW]

Your world has been turned upside down, I'm very sorry.  Give yourself time and space to come to terms with everything and figure out how to move forward.  I would also suggest you try individual counseling to help you deal with your own thoughts and feelings without your wife there.  2 and 1/2 years is a long time for her to be secretly involved with someone else, it wasn't just a momentary fling and it was beyond just "getting caught up".  I don't know how you get past that or trust her again. 

[S2B]

You can’t trust a thing she says.

dna test the baby. Heck, test them both.

you have NO idea who your wife really is - I’d consider divorcing her - people rarely change.

but you shouldn’t legally be bound to pay support if the child isn’t yours. If it’s his (and likely it is) - have him pay support money.

I would never be capable of trusting that person you call your wife - ever again. She isn’t who she pretends to be!

[why2me]

I thought the same. I had a paternity test to ensure both children were mine, they are both mine. Sucks because she claims she wants to stay together and right her wrongs but i dont know if i can ever look at her the same. Im willing to put in work and try but at what point do i draw the line. The other issue is she states she is willing to go forward but keeps stalling or asking friends who agree that because his family knows all is right now. This guy has a history of things like this and somehow is in a principal position - even his current wife he met as an affair (both married). I tried to explain that its not vengence im after but i want to have it reported so no one else has to deal with this and people know who he really is. 

 

I find myself in fits of rage when i think about the situation and the lack of respect she has shown me. Ive never been unfaithful and had opportunities/advances throughout the years but i always respected her and wouldn't want to hurt someone that way. I ask her why she would want to have a second kid in the middle of an affair. She replies that she never didnt want to be together... My belief is i married a narcissist 

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, why2me said:

The other issue is she states she is willing to go forward but keeps stalling or asking friends who agree that because his family knows all is right now.

She is protecting him and doesn't want him to lose his job and suffer.  Even if you are staying, for now, it would be wise to make an appt with a divorce attorney to find out your rights in case you do want to go through with it later on.  I hear, for men whose wives have cheated on them, they have mind movies of the affair that drive them to divorce her.

[S2B]

Meet with the superintendent and explain what has happened.

the only way she could possibly start to redeem any trust is to completely expose his actions and her own actions. 

if she won’t - you have your answer. She only expects to be honest as long as she doesn’t have consequences.

no consequences means she will definitely do it again!!! Expose to everyone now!

[S2B]

3 hours ago, why2me said:

I thought the same. I had a paternity test to ensure both children were mine, they are both mine. Sucks because she claims she wants to stay together and right her wrongs but i dont know if i can ever look at her the same. Im willing to put in work and try but at what point do i draw the line. The other issue is she states she is willing to go forward but keeps stalling or asking friends who agree that because his family knows all is right now. This guy has a history of things like this and somehow is in a principal position - even his current wife he met as an affair (both married). I tried to explain that its not vengence im after but i want to have it reported so no one else has to deal with this and people know who he really is. 

 

I find myself in fits of rage when i think about the situation and the lack of respect she has shown me. Ive never been unfaithful and had opportunities/advances throughout the years but i always respected her and wouldn't want to hurt someone that way. I ask her why she would want to have a second kid in the middle of an affair. She replies that she never didnt want to be together... My belief is i married a narcissist 

Ahhhh, she expected to stay married and do whoever she wanted - without telling you. 
 

yep, that’s a special kind of cruelty. I k it it well.

you can’t help her. This is who she is.

you’d be better off to get as far away from her as possible - asap! 

she entitled and unable to consider how her actions affect you/your feelings. You can’t fix that. 

[GNRFan]

First off, I am very sorry this happened to you. I can't imagine the amount of stress and pressure and sadness you are feeling. Pardon my French but your wife is disgusting and is not the least bit remorseful. It seems she is more worried about the administrative work implications/reputation than the marriage. I don't see how you could come back from this, I know you have children but another man was inside your wife even while pregnant with your child. Think about that. You deserve to be happy and to have someone faithful. Get a lawyer and file for divorce and expose her to her professional circle. Odds are this is not the first time this has happened. 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, why2me said:

I tried to explain that its not vengence im after but i want to have it reported so no one else has to deal with this and people know who he really is. 

 

4 hours ago, why2me said:

I find myself in fits of rage when i think about the situation and the lack of respect she has shown me.

That's nice of you not to want vengeance but are you sure that you don't want him to suffer when you are going through those fits of rage?  I know I would if I were in your shoes. That's a normal response and since she's the one who broke the vows, I'd want the same for her.   If you do plan to stay with your wife, remember while everyone will know who he really is they will also know the same about your wife.   She deserves it, but do you want the mother of your kids wearing a scarlet letter in front of your family and friends, the school while you're still with her.  Do your kids attend the school she works at and if so, how will that affect them.  The level of betrayal she did to you is inconceivable.  Some of her friends may have been aware of the affair, so don't trust them.  Does your family know?  What did her family say?

[BaileyB]

I’m very, very sorry that this has happened. I would also like to strongly encourage you to find your own individual counsellor.I think it’s probably the single best decision you could make for yourself right now.

For what it’s worth, I think it may be too soon for marriage counselling. Just my opinion, but I don’t know how you even begin to work on healing the marriage so soon after discovery when the feelings are so fresh. I think you have a lot of individual work to do before you can even begin to think about healing the marriage or whether you will stay/go…

Remember, you don’t need to decide now whether you are going to stay in the marriage or end it. You can decide to work on it for six months or six years - and if at any point you feel that you can’t forgive and move forward in a healthy way, you can end the marriage. 

Best wishes. 

Edited May 10 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

I was trying to be kind and trying so hard not to share my personal opinion… but, I can’t not say it. 

As was said above, two and a half years is a very long time to continue an affair… This wasn’t just - “we met at Starbucks and I didn’t think we were doing anything wrong.” It also wasn’t “I made a mistake, we got carried away and it just kind of happened…” I would not let her minimize this affair in any way. This was a very calculated betrayal, she made the decision to engage with this man and in so doing, to hurt you and your children, time and time again. 

This affair crossed several boundaries that I would find unforgivable. We read a lot of stories on this board, and the stories that I find the most disturbing are as follows; the individual who disrespects their spouse by bringing their affair partner into the family home, the individual who introduces their affair partner to their children, or the individual who has an affair while expecting a child with their spouse is a special kind of cheater… Those decisions are so disrespectful and so hurtful to one’s spouse, I don’t know how anyone could do it. There is a lack of empathy and remorse here that is very concerning. This is obviously common for people who have affairs, it’s difficult to have sex with another man if one is thinking about how that will make their spouse feel… But, as you say when you wonder if she is a narcissist, you have to wonder whether this is indicative of a very serious character flaw because these are lines that most people - even those in an affair - do not cross. They may betray their spouse, but they still show their family the respect to protect them and maintain some boundaries. Sadly, your wife did not even attempt to do that. She is the greatest threat to your family. 

These two were seriously high on the adrenaline they felt engaging in very risky behaviors - the thrill of it all, being together in public (hospital parking lot), having sex in the closet at work (another boundary that many would not cross), or in your own home. Even the fact that they had sex while she was pregnant with your own child presents it’s own unique kink/thrill - the fact that she could do this would be very difficult for me to forgive. 

I understand that you have children with this woman and I hate to see the dissolution of a marriage… But, if it was me, I would make two calls tomorrow - to an individual counsellor and a lawyer. Personally, I would save the money that you are perhaps spending on marriage counselling because I would want to get my own head on straight before even considering the possibility of trying to recommit to this woman. I don’t think she is to be trusted - she has proven for the last two and a half years that she is untrustworthy. The simple fact that she was discovered and did not tell you the truth of her own volition would bother me - had you not figured it out, this affair would be considering as we speak.

Again, I’m so very sorry that this has happened. There are no words to make it better. I’m just so very sorry. 

Edited May 10 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

Nope. 

I would be done with her. She is not who you thought she was, and you will likely never be able to trust her again. She doesn't have any respect for you, your marriage or your family. If she did, she wouldn't have risked blowing it all up like this. She is selfish to a signficant degree, because her choices here not only hurt you but also your kids. They're of course to young right now to be aware, but she put their entire family unit and sense of emotional safety on the line. 

Call a lawyer. Don't waste money and time on trying to correct this deeply flawed woman who doesn't love you anymore. 

[Bryanp]

This is as bad as it gets. Two and a half years is a super long time for this to continue. The fact that she did this also while pregnant and having sex in your home is beyond the pale. This would mean that there were times that she would be with you sexually after she was with him in your home. It sounds like she knew if she got caught, you would forgive her so she had nothing to lose. Seriously, do you honestly think if the roles were reversed, your wife would have wanted to stay with you? Your wife has shown you that she has absolutely no respect for you and your marriage and has played you for a complete fool. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[S2B]

She purposely got pregnant while she was purposely cheating on you LONG term.

that’s disgusting and honestly - unforgivable!

[lostgirl87]

My God. What a horrible thing to find out about your spouse. I’m sick just reading about it. I’m so sorry!

I hope this doesn’t come off as cruel, but your wife is absolutely disgusting. 2.5 years?? Brought him into your home?! Got pregnant with your child during the affair? Had sex with him WHILE PREGNANT with YOUR child?? It’s impossible for a person that is capable of doing these things to ever feel remorse. What she feels right now is fear. Fear of being exposed for what she has done. Fear of her POS affair partner to be outed and have him upset with her. You deserve better. I hate that your kids are so young bc I understand wanting to be with them, but I’d work on figuring out 50/50 (or as close to it as possible) and ending this sham of a marriage. 

such a horrible thing to be going through. I truly am so sorry that this happened and that you know so many of the awful details. 

[why2me]

Update. 

Thanks everyone for the thoughts and honesty. It has now been 4 months since D day. The Affair partner has been force to resign and she has been transferred. As a result, his and her disgusting acts have been revealed to most people she works with and to friends and family. I wish I could tell you this made me feel better but at the end of the day it doesn't change the past. I still feel like the most important person to her (herself) has not suffered any real consequences except for the embarrassment of what she has done. 

She has made some significant effort on working on herself- between therapist, marriage counselors, transparency and a whole lot of conversations. Yet, i find myself always thinking of what she has done and the disrespect and disgusting nature which it was done. As we have two kids im doing my best work work through this but it is incredibly difficult. Does anyone have a story of a marriage working through this? Sometimes it feels hopeless even though she is putting in work to become a better person. 

 

Edited August 12 by why2me

[stillafool]

Yes, you can look at the Second Chances section on this forum to find some stories.

[Bryanp]

I wish you the best of luck. I am curious but do you think if the roles would have been reversed, do you think your wife would have wished to stay with you?