My sister in law is dating by narcissistic ex

[hot_wallaby_2929]

I am unfortunately caught up in a tricky scenario. I have a nex that is dating my boyfriend’s sister. They have been together for over a year. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months (we have been friends for almost 4 years now).

Everyone in the family on both sides know about this situation. I am always not showing up to events if the nex is there. The sister mentions that she is okay with me and has no issues and that the nex also has no issues. I do not know if I can trust this. I have not interacted nor seen them both.

I am still trauma bonded and have been working on that for the sake of my relationship. Every time we are near them I get panic attacks. But I simply cannot shake off the idea of “I want the nex to suffer, how come she is with him, doesn't she see how horrible he is”. “Was I the problem?”

My bfs sister has an easier lifestyle than me. She stays at his place every weekend but she lives with her parents and they just don't care. I honestly feel like she lacks attention. She is in her early 20s, the nex is closing in on 30. She is spoiled, doesn't help her parents much and just does not care about her parent's (especially her mother's) hardwork and does whatever she wants. Parents know that, but they will not do anything about it because they do not want to fight her. 

I have always been very close to my family and the nex hated that. Always wanted me to be at his place when I was not allowed. We have core values when it comes to those sort of things. I believe that you have to be truly independent to have that behavior, otherwise its just unfair to your parents. I cannot imagine leaving on weekends, do whatever the hell I want and then coming back home for my parents to wash my clothes, have food on the table, clean room, etc. and then have the easy life of just paying about 10% of my salary for one thing at home and then just doing whatever the hell I want. 

 In the end we were raised differently. But it does suck knowing that he is happy because he now has it easy with her.

After HE broke up with me he was always breaking my boundaries, messaging me every 2-3 months, even visiting my family when I was dating someone before my current boyfriend and the nex was single and he knew about that relationship. He wanted to be "friends", I did not want anything. 

I don't know what to think. I don't know how I can move past that trauma bond. I have been going to therapy but I cant seem to shake those feelings off. I NEVER want to be near him.

[stillafool]

Kindly, it sounds like you are not quite over him yet.  At this point you should feel indifference to him and not feel you can't face them and enjoy yourself.  As far as your ex's girlfriend is concerned if her parents are happy spoiling their daughter and she's enjoying it that is their business.  What do you mean the by the girlfriend lacks attention?  At this point wanting him to suffer is a bit extreme.  Maybe she doesn't see him as a horrible person because he's changed and treats her the way she likes and they are compatible.  What's important is how your now bf treats you and if you're happy.  Sooner or later your bf is going to be concerned that you are dodging his family because of your ex.  I hope you make peace with this.  If your ex and his gf have said they have no issue being around you, why wouldn't you trust that?  He was the one who broke up with you and has been with this girl for a year so more than likely they are telling the truth.  

Edited May 9 by stillafool

[basil67]

I agree that you're not over him yet.  

I know how frustrating it is to have someone who you want gone still in your life. I've lived it and it's horrible.  And it took me a couple of years to be able to be in his presence and then (as I predicted) he hurt my friend terribly.   So what strikes me is that if he's the narcissist you describe him as, then your boyfriend's sister is his next victim.  Instead of being concerned for her over being sucked in by him, you're being really judgmental on the way she lives.  And in all honesty, the way she lives with her parents is between her and them.  And not that it's any of your business, but if you really must be cranky at someone for the sister not doing her share at home, it's actually her parents fault for doing all her washing and cooking without complaint.   She's just a product her her environment.

You're wondering "how come she is with him, doesn't she see how horrible he is".  Isn't this exactly your previous situation?  You were with him because you didn't see how horrible he was? 

Your boundaries aren't rules for others to follow. Instead, they are rules that YOU enforce.  If your boundary is that someone shouldn't contact you, you enforce that boundary by blocking them.  If you don't enforce your boundaries yourself, they will continue to be broken.

All in all, getting over him will take time and distance.  It's OK if you don't want to be at events where he is.  But do try and find some compassion and understanding for your boyfriend's sister because she's the next one who will be hurt.  

[ExpatInItaly]

If you still react this strongly to him, you are not ready for another relationship. 

I can understand that it’s awkward and it’s normal you’re not comfortable around them together. However, it’s to the point that you have panic attacks and talk down about your boyfriend’s sister. That is your cue that you still need to be on your own, and that’s incredibly unfair to your boyfriend. 

I would respectfully extract yourself from this entire situation and work on your self-esteem and healing. Then you’ll be ready to date again. Now is not the time.