Mixed Signals: What to do

[josh454]

I (29M) have known this person (25F) for about 5 years. We initially met for work and had a couple of brunches discussing work- related matters. Over the years, we've stayed connected online, occasionally chatting here and there. A few months ago, I replied to one of her stories, and she asked if I was single. I said yes, so she suggested we meet up. At the time, I was a bit busy, but we stayed in touch, and a couple of months later, we decided to go on a date. The date went really well; we were affectionate, kissed, and she immediately asked about a second date when I was dropping her off.

However, she's mentioned that she's not good at texting, and while we initially had frequent back-and-forth communication in the beginning stages, it has reduced a bit since our first date. We still call each other every 2-3 days, but I feel like the communication has decreased. Recently, she called me asking for help setting something up, and during that call, she asked what I was doing that night. We ended up spending time together, and she was very affectionate, saying she really liked me. But in a previous conversation, she mentioned not wanting a relationship this year as she wants to focus on her business, as she works for herself and deals with many clients.

I really like her and want to be in a relationship with her, but I'm not sure how to handle these mixed signals. She's taking photos of us holding hands, spending a lot of time with me, and expressing affection, but then also mentioning being FWB. We have another date planned in a couple of days, but I haven't heard from her since our last meeting which was 2 days ago. I'm planning to call her today to see what she's up to, but I'm unsure if she prefers less frequent communication or if there's something else going on. How should I navigate these mixed signals and clarify our relationship expectations on our upcoming date?

Our last date where she called me over; we got food and went to the waterfront and cuddled. She was all over me and just kept hugging me and holding hands and says she loves being around me. We have been kissing a lot but then she says things like fwb She only said it once over a call but it kinda stood out. Then she goes and says she loves that im an emotional guy and how much she feels safe around me. like what does she want lmao

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, josh454 said:

I (29M) have known this person (25F) for about 5 years. We initially met for work and had a couple of brunches discussing work- related matters. Over the years, we've stayed connected online, occasionally chatting here and there. A few months ago, I replied to one of her stories, and she asked if I was single. I said yes, so she suggested we meet up. At the time, I was a bit busy, but we stayed in touch, and a couple of months later, we decided to go on a date. The date went really well; we were affectionate, kissed, and she immediately asked about a second date when I was dropping her off.

However, she's mentioned that she's not good at texting, and while we initially had frequent back-and-forth communication in the beginning stages, it has reduced a bit since our first date. We still call each other every 2-3 days, but I feel like the communication has decreased. Recently, she called me asking for help setting something up, and during that call, she asked what I was doing that night. We ended up spending time together, and she was very affectionate, saying she really liked me. But in a previous conversation, she mentioned not wanting a relationship this year as she wants to focus on her business, as she works for herself and deals with many clients.

I really like her and want to be in a relationship with her, but I'm not sure how to handle these mixed signals. She's taking photos of us holding hands, spending a lot of time with me, and expressing affection, but then also mentioning being FWB. We have another date planned in a couple of days, but I haven't heard from her since our last meeting which was 2 days ago. I'm planning to call her today to see what she's up to, but I'm unsure if she prefers less frequent communication or if there's something else going on. How should I navigate these mixed signals and clarify our relationship expectations on our upcoming date?

Our last date where she called me over; we got food and went to the waterfront and cuddled. She was all over me and just kept hugging me and holding hands and says she loves being around me. We have been kissing a lot but then she says things like fwb She only said it once over a call but it kinda stood out. Then she goes and says she loves that im an emotional guy and how much she feels safe around me. like what does she want lmao

It sounds like exactly what you said - mixed signals.

Has she recently gotten dumped or gone through a bad breakup by any chance? Because her behaviour strongly suggests that to me.

One part of her wants to feel loved and to have affection, and she is taking the initiative in meeting up etc. The other part with flaky communication and just wanting to be friends with benefits maybe wants to run a mile.

If you just want something sexual, it might work, if your feelings are stronger there's a good chance she might start to create more distance between you. Only real way to know is to talk about what you're looking for and why if you meet again, in a way that's not too pressurising.

As I said it would be very unsurprising to me if she mentions a recent breakup, or at least some kind of negative experience with a guy she really liked thats making her hesitant.

[josh454]

18 minutes ago, FredEire said:

It sounds like exactly what you said - mixed signals.

Has she recently gotten dumped or gone through a bad breakup by any chance? Because her behaviour strongly suggests that to me.

One part of her wants to feel loved and to have affection, and she is taking the initiative in meeting up etc. The other part with flaky communication and just wanting to be friends with benefits maybe wants to run a mile.

If you just want something sexual, it might work, if your feelings are stronger there's a good chance she might start to create more distance between you. Only real way to know is to talk about what you're looking for and why if you meet again, in a way that's not too pressurising.

As I said it would be very unsurprising to me if she mentions a recent breakup, or at least some kind of negative experience with a guy she really liked thats making her hesitant.

Wow, funny enough, she has. She said her last partner was distant and verbally abusive. When I mentioned that I replied to her story, I think she had broken up a couple of months around that time. She said she wasn't really feeling anyone in her DMs but remembered me and the time we spent earlier a few years ago, and how I was very nice and professional.

Yeah, I'm thinking about giving it a few more dates and slowly bringing up the conversation about what we are doing here.

When she's with me, she is so attentive and clingy, but when we are apart, it's kind of isolating.

I, too, just got out of a relationship, so I wasn't too taken aback, but I feel like I'm still in boyfriend mode, so I don't know how to do the whole casual thing. And honestly, I'm not looking for anything casual. I'm pushing 30 soon and kinda wanna start getting serious with someone.

Btw, what do you think i should do? 

Edited May 9 by josh454

[FredEire]

5 minutes ago, josh454 said:

Wow, funny enough, she has. She said her last partner was distant and verbally abusive. When I mentioned that I replied to her story, I think she had broken up a couple of months around that time. She said she wasn't really feeling anyone in her DMs but remembered me and the time we spent earlier a few years ago, and how I was very nice and professional.

Yeah, I'm thinking about giving it a few more dates and slowly bringing up the conversation about what we are doing here.

When she's with me, she is so attentive and clingy, but when we are apart, it's kind of isolating.

I, too, just got out of a relationship, so I wasn't too taken aback, but I feel like I'm still in boyfriend mode, so I don't know how to do the whole casual thing. And honestly, I'm not looking for anything casual. I'm pushing 30 soon and kinda wanna start getting serious with someone.

Btw, what do you think i should do? 

Bingo. I've been around the block so I've seen this kind of thing before.

I think you should be honest, direct and go with it but also go with your gut. To be honest in my experience this kind of thing rarely works out as I think what she's looking for may be the feeling of being loved and wanted to fill the hole, rather than actually wanting you.

But this is the adventure, if you really like her continue to see her and make yourself vulnerable, open and honest also without tolerating any nonsense that may come your way. I'm 30 and am dating people casually and not in a rush to get into something serious so there's no set rules but you have to do what feels right for you.

[SweetEscape22]

On 5/9/2024 at 7:40 AM, josh454 said:

I (29M) have known this person (25F) for about 5 years. We initially met for work and had a couple of brunches discussing work- related matters. Over the years, we've stayed connected online, occasionally chatting here and there. A few months ago, I replied to one of her stories, and she asked if I was single. I said yes, so she suggested we meet up. At the time, I was a bit busy, but we stayed in touch, and a couple of months later, we decided to go on a date. The date went really well; we were affectionate, kissed, and she immediately asked about a second date when I was dropping her off.

However, she's mentioned that she's not good at texting, and while we initially had frequent back-and-forth communication in the beginning stages, it has reduced a bit since our first date. We still call each other every 2-3 days, but I feel like the communication has decreased. Recently, she called me asking for help setting something up, and during that call, she asked what I was doing that night. We ended up spending time together, and she was very affectionate, saying she really liked me. But in a previous conversation, she mentioned not wanting a relationship this year as she wants to focus on her business, as she works for herself and deals with many clients.

I really like her and want to be in a relationship with her, but I'm not sure how to handle these mixed signals. She's taking photos of us holding hands, spending a lot of time with me, and expressing affection, but then also mentioning being FWB. We have another date planned in a couple of days, but I haven't heard from her since our last meeting which was 2 days ago. I'm planning to call her today to see what she's up to, but I'm unsure if she prefers less frequent communication or if there's something else going on. How should I navigate these mixed signals and clarify our relationship expectations on our upcoming date?

Our last date where she called me over; we got food and went to the waterfront and cuddled. She was all over me and just kept hugging me and holding hands and says she loves being around me. We have been kissing a lot but then she says things like fwb She only said it once over a call but it kinda stood out. Then she goes and says she loves that im an emotional guy and how much she feels safe around me. like what does she want lmao

The signals she's sending you are mixed, and it's time to take the lead and clarify the situation. You've been waiting for her to make the first move, but that's not the way to go. Next time you speak to her, be direct and assertive. Tell her you're interested in more than just friendship with benefits. If she's not into a relationship, she'll let you know, and then you can decide if you're okay with that,

[Alpacalia]

I'm sure that must be confusing and frustrating for you, especially since you feel like the relationship is going well and then she mentions being FWB out of the blue. But, those aren't mixed signals. She's being honest and upfront with you about her intentions. She wants to focus on her business this year and doesn't want a serious relationship. And, at the same time, she's very attracted to you and enjoys your company. That's why she's still spending time with you and being affectionate towards you.

So, instead of trying to figure out her "mixed signals," you need to decide what you want from this relationship. If you're okay with being FWB and not having a serious commitment, then by all means, continue seeing her. But, if you were hoping for something more, I don't think it's fair to either of you to continue seeing her and being intimate with her. It sounds like she's being pretty clear about her boundaries and intentions, so it's important for you to listen to that and respect it. Good luck!

[josh454]

15 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I'm sure that must be confusing and frustrating for you, especially since you feel like the relationship is going well and then she mentions being FWB out of the blue. But, those aren't mixed signals. She's being honest and upfront with you about her intentions. She wants to focus on her business this year and doesn't want a serious relationship. And, at the same time, she's very attracted to you and enjoys your company. That's why she's still spending time with you and being affectionate towards you.

So, instead of trying to figure out her "mixed signals," you need to decide what you want from this relationship. If you're okay with being FWB and not having a serious commitment, then by all means, continue seeing her. But, if you were hoping for something more, I don't think it's fair to either of you to continue seeing her and being intimate with her. It sounds like she's being pretty clear about her boundaries and intentions, so it's important for you to listen to that and respect it. Good luck!

I get that, but why talk to me for all these months, going back and forth, and then after the first date, kind of change up the tone? The FWB thing didn't come into play until the phone call after the first date. She hinted during the first date that she wanted to focus heavily on the business this year but didn't mention anything about FWB. Also, I saw her Tuesday night, right? (this was our second date) Today is Friday afternoon, and I haven't heard anything back from her. I already confirmed on Tuesday if we were on for Saturday, and she was like, 'Yeah,' but there hasn't been much communication in between. Tuesday night, she just told me to message her when I got home, which I did, and she just sent me a photo of us holding hands, to which I replied, 'I'm saving this to my camera roll,' and wished her a good night. I didn't want to double text, but yeah, nothing from her since then.   IDK if im an overthinker or she just doesnt think at all lmao 

[Alpacalia]

50 minutes ago, josh454 said:

I get that, but why talk to me for all these months, going back and forth, and then after the first date, kind of change up the tone? The FWB thing didn't come into play until the phone call after the first date. She hinted during the first date that she wanted to focus heavily on the business this year but didn't mention anything about FWB. Also, I saw her Tuesday night, right? (this was our second date) Today is Friday afternoon, and I haven't heard anything back from her. I already confirmed on Tuesday if we were on for Saturday, and she was like, 'Yeah,' but there hasn't been much communication in between. Tuesday night, she just told me to message her when I got home, which I did, and she just sent me a photo of us holding hands, to which I replied, 'I'm saving this to my camera roll,' and wished her a good night. I didn't want to double text, but yeah, nothing from her since then.   IDK if im an overthinker or she just doesnt think at all lmao 

No, I just think you really like her so of course when she sends things like that you get excited because you like her and it makes you smile but sometimes too much overthinking can always cause problems.  Just try to relax a little bit and give it some time. The date just happened, so maybe she's busy or maybe she's just taking some space and time for herself before jumping into anything. Just keep showing interest, but also give her space and don't put too much pressure on things. And if she does mention the FWB thing again, make sure to have a clear conversation about what that means for both of you and if it aligns with what you want. 

[FredEire]

14 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

No, I just think you really like her so of course when she sends things like that you get excited because you like her and it makes you smile but sometimes too much overthinking can always cause problems.  Just try to relax a little bit and give it some time. The date just happened, so maybe she's busy or maybe she's just taking some space and time for herself before jumping into anything. Just keep showing interest, but also give her space and don't put too much pressure on things. And if she does mention the FWB thing again, make sure to have a clear conversation about what that means for both of you and if it aligns with what you want. 

Yeah, I think I mostly agree with @Alpacalia here, you're doing too much overthinking because you're really into her, I've been there believe me.

At the same time if you're gut's telling you something isn't right it might not be, but give her the benefit of the doubt and don't jump to conclusions, if she's interested (or not) she'll make that clear.

Personally I'd just shoot her a message asking if you're still on for tomorrow. As a few days have passed it's not really double texting. As Lia said she might have just been busy rather than going cold, it's hard to say definitively at this stage.

Let us know how it goes!

Edited May 10 by FredEire