ciara_love Posted May 9 Share Posted May 9 (edited) Hello everyone, I recently moved to a new country and only had one friend here for my first 2 months. She and I met about 6 months ago when I first visited and we stayed in touch. In my first 2 months in this country we spent a lot of time together and I noticed that she did have a fair amount of drama on a daily/weekly basis but I tolerated it as she is younger. About a week ago she was visiting me for the weekend (we live a few hours apart) and we had made plans to spend the whole weekend together aside from a breakfast she was having with a friend on one of the days. After she arrived at my house, she said that the breakfast with her friend would be an all-day event and I wasn't invited. It felt inconsiderate to tell me this last minute as I did not have time to make other plans, and it felt strange not to be invited, as I still don't know anyone else in this country. After she returned from spending all day with another friend I let her know that my feelings had been hurt and we talked it out for awhile. The next day, however, I felt that she had been really manipulative in our conversation (likely unconsciously). I decided that I did not like how that felt and that I would take a small step back from the friendship energetically. A few days later she said that she felt something was off with us and I let her know that I had felt a bit manipulated in our conversation and that I felt a lack of empathy coming from her. She responded by saying that she thought it was best to take some time apart. That again felt manipulative as I had started to notice with her over the weeks that she (likely subconsciously) would mostly talk about herself and her problems. I am fine taking time apart from her. We had a lot in of fun, but at the end of the day, I really didn't feel appreciated or respected enough. I am sharing this story to see if anyone can relate or share a similar story, or offer any feedback or advice based on my situation. Thank you. Edited May 9 by ciara_love Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted May 9 Share Posted May 9 Definitely it was rude of her to tell you last minute that she was changing plans, and likely that what you felt was her being manipulative was actually her trying not to hurt your feelings, (unsuccessfully). I can understand why you'd be wondering why she couldn't just include you in the new plan, but that may have been something to do with the other friend, maybe they didn't want a third party along and it put her in an awkward spot. While she didn't have an obligation to invite you to the day out with her other friend, she should have given priority to you out of respect. As far as similar stories, I've known plenty of rude "friends", but the one your story brings to mind is a female who I would catch up with occasionally. We had plans to go out for lunch one Saturday, and half an hour before our meet-up time, literally as I was walking out the front door, she rings to let me know she can't make it because she "has to" go out for lunch with her ex. Translation, she'd had a better offer. My opinion of her plummeted to grubby depths during the course of a two-minute phone call. He would take her somewhere expensive and pay for her lunch and she would put out to make it worth his while - a very small step away from being a hooker in my book. All I was offering was companionship and a laugh. I didn't have a discussion about it with her, I didn't need to, actions speak louder, etc, and it wasn't the first time I'd side-eyed her manners. Afterwards I ignored any attempts by her to contact me, I've never seen or spoken to her since, and I never missed her, just tossed her in the low-rent bucket where she belonged. Some people aren't worth your time of day, or even worth a discussion about their bad manners and lack of respect. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 9 Share Posted May 9 7 hours ago, ciara_love said: She responded by saying that she thought it was best to take some time apart. That again felt manipulative I very much understand why you were miffed by her behaviour. I would have been very annoyed if this happened to me. And kudos to you for raising your feelings with her in what sounds like a tactful manner. You then felt that things were still off the next day so you told her that you needed to take a step back from the friendship, and I understand this too. But why are you saying she was being manipulative because she agreed with you? Clearly the friendship has problems right now, so time apart while you both either recover or reconsider is exactly what is required. Her choice at dropping all plans and not including you were wrong. But given how awkward things are now, she's not wrong in agreeing that the two of you now need time apart 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted May 9 Share Posted May 9 Yeah - I can understand your feelings about the way she handled the lunch situation. The rest of it - I think you and she both could have done just fine without any of that. I'm afraid that this friend already was taking space from you by changing plans on you the way she did. You seem ready to attribute most anything she did as "manipulative." I'm sorry you have had a disappointing experience with the friend though. Did you move for work? Are there any people there or in other activities that you do who you connect with? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ciara_love Posted May 10 Author Share Posted May 10 (edited) Thank you for all of your responses so far. @Basil, to clarify, I did not tell her I was taking a step back from the friendship or take time apart. She just reached out randomly a few days after our conversation and said that she felt things were off. When I let her know about how I felt, that is when she suggested spending time apart. I realized I did not do a good job of explaining what felt manipulative. The day she arrived home from spending most of the day with her other friends, I let her know that my feelings had been hurt, and her immediate reaction was to question what about her actions had been hurtful. She acted like she didn't obviously see what could be hurtful in the situation, and it felt like she was turning the tables to put me on the defensive. Then later in the conversation. she said "I have to remember you're sensitive" and even later said that she wouldn't have done anything differently. The only thing she later apologized was not communicating with me more clearly about why I hadn't been invited to meet with her other friend. She was super defensive and said that we had spent so much time together in the last couple months and that she hadn't seen any other friends (Which actually wasn't true! She had seen several other friends.) Then she said that if she had known that changing her plans would be a problem that she just wouldn't have stayed with me those days. That felt like a way of saying "This is all I am going to give you. If you don't want to put up with my stuff, then I just won't spend time with you." There was other stuff in the conversation along the same lines. I actually have never felt manipulated like this in an adult friendship before. What capped it off for me was when a few days later she texted me all about herself and said that she had a revelation and she was going to live the next few months just following her own intuition and making no plans, obligations, or commitments to anyone. It just felt like she was communicating to have no expectations for her because she was just going to focus on herself. Edited May 10 by ciara_love Link to post Share on other sites
Author ciara_love Posted May 10 Author Share Posted May 10 (edited) I moved here to set up a business and she is also a small business owner. In the 2 months since I arrived she didn't introduce me to any of her other friends or contacts, which started to feel really strange. When I asked her about this, she said that she felt protective of me. This felt manipulative too! Edited May 10 by ciara_love Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted May 10 Share Posted May 10 But you pointed out how you felt from her change of plans. notice how she never acknowledged YOUR feelings? I wouldn’t ever see her again. She doesn’t consider you and your feelings - she ditched you after misleading you. maje some friends that are kind and caring… she’s not that gal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 10 Share Posted May 10 (edited) 1 hour ago, ciara_love said: Thank you for all of your responses so far. @Basil, to clarify, I did not tell her I was taking a step back from the friendship or take time apart. She just reached out randomly a few days after our conversation and said that she felt things were off. When I let her know about how I felt, that is when she suggested spending time apart. If the bolded was negative from your end, it's perfectly reasonable that she suggested spending time apart Quote I realized I did not do a good job of explaining what felt manipulative. The day she arrived home from spending most of the day with her other friends, I let her know that my feelings had been hurt, and her immediate reaction was to question what about her actions had been hurtful. She acted like she didn't obviously see what could be hurtful in the situation, and it felt like she was turning the tables to put me on the defensive. If she views this different to you, it's perfectly understandable she sought to clarify why her actions hurt you. And if she doesn't understand your point of view, it makes sense that she'd argue the point. Quote Then later in the conversation. she said "I have to remember you're sensitive" and even later said that she wouldn't have done anything differently. The only thing she later apologized was not communicating with me more clearly about why I hadn't been invited to meet with her other friend. She was super defensive and said that we had spent so much time together in the last couple months and that she hadn't seen any other friends (Which actually wasn't true! She had seen several other friends.) Then she said that if she had known that changing her plans would be a problem that she just wouldn't have stayed with me those days. That felt like a way of saying "This is all I am going to give you. If you don't want to put up with my stuff, then I just won't spend time with you." There was other stuff in the conversation along the same lines. I actually have never felt manipulated like this in an adult friendship before. What capped it off for me was when a few days later she texted me all about herself and said that she had a revelation and she was going to live the next few months just following her own intuition and making no plans, obligations, or commitments to anyone. It just felt like she was communicating to have no expectations for her because she was just going to focus on herself. I don't think she's trying to manipulate you. Instead, I think she sees things differently and remembers things differently. Yes, a lot of unpleasant stuff has been said by her, but I doubt this was a monologue without interjection on your side. Anyway, you're exactly right that her text saying she's going to be making no plans, obligations or commitment was a way of communicating that she won't be in contact with you. And frankly, given how you feel about her, why would you even want to stay in contact? I suggest you just block her without a word and move on without her in your life. You'll be far happier with this all in your rear window Edited May 10 by basil67 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted May 10 Share Posted May 10 What have you been doing to make friends and expand your social life in your new home? It sounds like you've been leaning pretty heavily on this person. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ciara_love Posted May 10 Author Share Posted May 10 I am taking language classes and should be meeting new people there Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted May 10 Share Posted May 10 I'm not really seeing how she was "manipulative". She decided to change plans, Ok I could see how you might be a bit upset with that. It sounds over the top for you to be labeling her as "manipulative" unless I'm missing something. It does sound like you were relying on her too much and need to develop more of a social circle. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted May 10 Share Posted May 10 (edited) If you aren’t happy with the way the friendship is going then it’s best that you take steps to create the distance. but since she suggested it - ok, that works too! Edited May 10 by S2B 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted May 10 Share Posted May 10 19 hours ago, ciara_love said: I let her know that my feelings had been hurt, and her immediate reaction was to question what about her actions had been hurtful. She acted like she didn't obviously see what could be hurtful in the situation, and it felt like she was turning the tables to put me on the defensive. Then later in the conversation. she said "I have to remember you're sensitive" and even later said that she wouldn't have done anything differently. Gaslighting Alert! 😬 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted May 10 Share Posted May 10 46 minutes ago, MsJayne said: Gaslighting Alert! 😬 I'm not sure I agree with this. As soon as she knew OP's feelings had been hurt "her immediate reaction was to question what about the actions had been hurtful." That is not wrong. The OP may be projecting in her opinion that the reasons would be obvious. I am getting the impression that the OP is coming off as a bit high maintenance / needy in this relationship. The friend may be acting normal, going about her life, and there are hidden land mines. There have been a few mentions about how this friend has let her down by not inviting, not introducing, etc. when she is the only friend in a new country. Not everyone is prepared to take someone by the hand in that way. It's not a "given" that any decent person would. Many of us, when we are adults, feel like a person who moved countries to start a business would be just fine striking out on their own in their new home. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ciara_love Posted May 10 Author Share Posted May 10 Quote I am getting the impression that the OP is coming off as a bit high maintenance / needy in this relationship. The friend may be acting normal, going about her life, and there are hidden land mines. @NuevoYorko Curious what you are seeing as high maintenance... Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted May 10 Share Posted May 10 1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said: I'm not sure I agree with this. As soon as she knew OP's feelings had been hurt "her immediate reaction was to question what about the actions had been hurtful." That is not wrong. The OP may be projecting in her opinion that the reasons would be obvious. I am getting the impression that the OP is coming off as a bit high maintenance / needy in this relationship. The friend may be acting normal, going about her life, and there are hidden land mines. There have been a few mentions about how this friend has let her down by not inviting, not introducing, etc. when she is the only friend in a new country. Not everyone is prepared to take someone by the hand in that way. It's not a "given" that any decent person would. Many of us, when we are adults, feel like a person who moved countries to start a business would be just fine striking out on their own in their new home. But this isn't about OP being in a new location, it's about someone being rude and dismissive and then, when confronted about it, implying that OP's in the wrong for questioning the bad manners, and that's definitely gas-lighting. Even if someone is over-dependent on another person for social interaction it still doesn't excuse the rudeness. I agree that the friend's reaction to being questioned does give the impression that she feels a little smothered by the friendship, and not inviting OP along on the breakfast get-together suggests that she wants to keep OP separate from other friends for whatever reason, but again, it was rude and she turned it around to make OP the bad guy....gaslighting . Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted May 11 Share Posted May 11 1 hour ago, ciara_love said: @NuevoYorko Curious what you are seeing as high maintenance... Was she a guest in your home? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ciara_love Posted May 11 Author Share Posted May 11 (edited) 11 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: Quote Was she a guest in your home? Yes, she was my guest for the weekend Edited May 11 by ciara_love Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted May 11 Share Posted May 11 OK. So it was quite rude for her to come to stay with you and make plans that did not include you. I agree. But - you are an adult woman who moved to a different country to start a business. The fact that you don't have any other friends there is not her responsibility in any way. Many people would feel that as pressure and try to get some space from it. You are critical of her, saying that she brings "drama" and also that she always talks about herself. It's highly possible that she picks up on this disapproval of yours, combined with the pressure of her being your only friend, and does not feel like being with you 24/7 for days. If you tell someone that they hurt your feelings and they respond by asking "how?" this does not indicate that they're "manipulative." You can't know that it is "obvious." Since you chose to bring this up for discussion, you are not correct to depend on mind reading from the person you are calling out. You need to tell them. Bringing up this kind of "feelings" talk is also not necessarily appropriate in fairly new friendship like yours is. You've known each other a matter of months and had a lot of fun together, according to you, but I don't know if she is prepared to have "feelings" talks. I think you might want to take a look at your communication style. Another thread of yours that I responded to was about a situation with similar dynamics involving a man you were visiting where a lot of uncommunicated expectations caused a great deal of trouble. Obviously you're not a good fit for a close friendship, you both seem to agree on that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted May 11 Share Posted May 11 On 5/9/2024 at 7:12 PM, ciara_love said: In my first 2 months in this country we spent a lot of time together and I noticed that she did have a fair amount of drama on a daily/weekly basis but I tolerated it as she is younger. Methinks the drama was a sign. If you ever feel that way about someone in the future, put the friendship on the back burner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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