Can't stop obsessing and spiraling over hurtful comparisons my boyfriend said YEARS ago

[ferdous12345]

We are both 25 and men (we are in a gay relationship). He is my first and only boyfriend and sexual partner. I am not his (I’m his fourth). Entering the relationship, I had no qualms with it really, besides being a bit self conscious that I wasn’t as experienced which I opened up with him about relatively early on. He has amazing qualities but there are a few mistakes he made within our first year of dating that I still can’t get past and I want advice (we’re approaching year 3 of our relationship).

1. On our first Valentine’s Day about 5 months into the relationship, we were having sex. We had told each other we loved each other 2 weeks before, and I was feeling very safe and sexy in the moment. We hadn’t had very much penetrative sex at that point, and I was in the receptive role but having trouble. He became frustrated. He has a history of anxiety-inducted ED and is embarrassed by it, but in the moment of frustration he said “Sex with [my ex] was so much easier.” This comparison destroyed me. It haunts me, and continues to make me feel inadequate. He has profusely apologized and said it was never a reflection of me, but rather of himself. He has reflected that it was crappy of him to say. I still can’t get over it. I stayed because I thought I could get over it.

2. He verbatim said that another of his exes was “more objectively attractive” than me, which also hurt me deeply and made me feel insecure about my looks. Again he has apologized profusely but I can’t get over it.

3. He said another ex had a bigger “member” than me, and that it was the biggest he’d ever been with in a very bragging way. I’m not usually one to be insecure about my size but that surely hurt.

A couple other things too but these are the ones that continue to fester the most.

He has apologized and reformed for everything. He is a lot better now. In fact if I met him today he would be my dream man in every way. But I can’t look past these mistakes in the distant past. They continue to haunt me and cause anxiety attacks. I’ve talked to him about all of it.

I’m in therapy and on an SSRI to help build confidence and calm my mind but not much is budging. We’re gonna start couples therapy soon too. I just wanted advice here in the meantime, support, and perspectives (being harsh toward me is welcomed!! I need to snap out of this asap). Thanks!

Edited May 10 by ferdous12345
Clarity

[basil67]

I'm sorry all this happened to you. But I need to reassure you that your feelings are completely reasonable and only an arsehole would say those things. In life, there are some things that apologies can't (and shouldn't!) undo.  They say everyone deserves a second chance....but what are you up to now?  Your 5th or 6th chance?  

What does your therapist say about staying with your partner?   Because I think that if you need anti depressants to cope with what a partner has done in the past, you should not be with them now.

You are a similar age as my kids and if I was your mum I'd give you a big hug and tell you you're worth far more than this kind of treatment.  But what the heck, I'll send you (((hugs))) anyway.  Get yourself out of this relationship before your mental health declines further

Edited May 10 by basil67

[ferdous12345]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm sorry all this happened to you. But I need to reassure you that your feelings are completely reasonable and only an arsehole would say those things. In life, there are some things that apologies can't (and shouldn't!) undo.  They say everyone deserves a second chance....but what are you up to now?  Your 5th or 6th chance?  

What does your therapist say about staying with your partner?   Because I think that if you need anti depressants to cope with what a partner has done in the past, you should not be with them now.

You are a similar age as my kids and if I was your mum I'd give you a big hug and tell you you're worth far more than this kind of treatment.  But what the heck, I'll send you (((hugs))) anyway.  Get yourself out of this relationship before your mental health declines further

This was all almost 2 years ago now, so I feel silly about still holding the grudge when he has apologized AND reformed.

my therapist thinks I should do what I think is right haha, but she’s helping me figure out what is right. She feels I need to improve my self esteem first then make a decision I think.

thanks for the kindness

[basil67]

Yeah like I said, there are some wounds so deep that apologies can’t fix.  I’ll try to put it this way: should you be with someone if you need a therapist to help you figure it out?

[Els]

I'm going to disagree and say that if he's truly changed in the last 2 years, it might be worth working on this relationship with the help of a therapist. The things that he said were bad, yes, but they sound to me more like immaturity and inconsideration, rather than a dealbreaker like abuse or controlling behaviour. Of course, if he hadn't changed, then you would need to leave, because nobody deserves to be in a relationship with a person like that, the small cuts will gradually wear your self esteem down. But if he HAS changed and this hasn't happened at all in the last 2 years, then I'm not sure if it's worth destroying your future with him over the past. He can't change his past, but he can and has changed his present.

It needs to be worked on together by both of you, though. Definitely go to couples therapy and talk this through there. He needs to be willing to do whatever is needed to help you fix this, you can't (and shouldn't) do it alone.

Edited May 10 by Els

[ExpatInItaly]

It was a mistake to continue this relationship after hurtful comments like those. 

I personally wouldn't care if he has "reformed." He can't undo those words, which never should have escaped his lips in the first place. You are beating the proverbial dead horse here but trying to make yourself okay with it. 

 

[Gebidozo]

I agree with Els. It’s very natural that you still feel hurt, but he has expressed remorse and became a much better person. That’s something really valuable and a proof of his genuine care.

Couples therapy seems to be the best solution currently. You guys should both work on this together. And your BF should definitely be extra nice, patient and understanding.

 

[Els]

6 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I agree with Els. It’s very natural that you still feel hurt, but he has expressed remorse and became a much better person. That’s something really valuable and a proof of his genuine care.

Couples therapy seems to be the best solution currently. You guys should both work on this together. And your BF should definitely be extra nice, patient and understanding.

I think it's probably also worth noting that this person was 22 when they said those things. Not defending the things he said at all, but IMO most of us have said some incredibly cringeworthy and immature things when we were 22. Part of being in a relationship at that age is learning and growing out of the immaturity.

If the OP's bf had been 32, my answer would be different.