18 year old son seeing a much older man, what should I do?

[Teracot]

Hi all,

I am new here and just found out about this forum and would want some insights as I am going through a strange situation. My son had his 18th birthday a few weeks ago. Since the last few days, hes been going out more often than usual, so I asked him whats up, and he said he is spending time with friends more. I thought something was off though because he usually doesn't go out this often, and when he was in the bathroom, I went to his room and checked his laptop and saw messages between him and my friends dad who is 59. I eventually found out they are having sex. I confronted my son about it, and told him what is going on, he got mad at me for looking at his messages, and I know it was wrong but I was really worried. he told me he is having a FWB situation with my friends father who is 41 years older. I asked him how it happened, and he told me he invited him over to his house few days after he turned 18 for a chat,they started flirting and he seduced my son eventually. I told him he is gross, I know he is promiscuous, doesn't look his age and likes younger people (He is bisexual) but this is too much. I asked him if there is money involved and he said no. I had a word with my friend (he is a male) about what his dad is doing, but he thinks its not wrong since they are both adults.

I don't know what to do now, how can I stop it?

Edited May 10 by Badpear

[stillafool]

Unfortunately you can't.

53 minutes ago, Badpear said:

I don't know what to do now, how can I stop it?

 

[basil67]

What is the age of consent where you live?  I'd lay money that this didn't magically start happening when your son turned 18.   But without evidence, there's nothing you can do to keep this creeper away.

[Teracot]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

What is the age of consent where you live?  I'd lay money that this didn't magically start happening when your son turned 18.   But without evidence, there's nothing you can do to keep this creeper away.

Its 16. I couldn't find anything. My son denies anything has been going on before he turned 18, but it wouldn't be much of a use.

[basil67]

If I was in your situation, I'd probably be a mamma bear and go talk with this guy about him creeping on a young (and likely vulnerable) man.   However, if this man is really is a creeper, than he's also likely a manipulator and the risk is that your son could end up alienated from you.  

I fear that the best you can do is express your concern, but ultimately wait it out.  It shouldn't take too long for your son to outgrow this guy

[EvanMich]

I am a 54 year old bisexual man. My wife is same age and is fully aware of this and we have have an okay marriage. We argue sometimes but get along well.  We have been married for 20 years and still go out for dinner occasionally. I have two sons aged 27 and 18 who still live with us. Everything is normal but there is one thing that bothers me. I have no sex life with my wife. We don't sleep together for the past 10 years. My wife gained lot of weight and stopped taking care of herself and I lost interest in her sexualy. I am much fitter than her and despite letting her know about my concerns, she ignores it telling me I should be happy with what I have because I am old..... 

One day my son brought his friends over to our home and I became instantly attracted to his 18 year old friend. We chatted and I couldn't stop myself from messaging him on FB and we started chatting casually and flirting nearly everyday. I eventually became honest with him and explained to him my situation with my wife and that I would have loved a hot young man. He said he was always curious about men, so I invited him over and things happened. I been seeing him for 3 months now but I am conflicted. 

The problem is I started to think of the consequences. What will happen if his parents will find out, or if my kids or wife knew. I am starting being very anxious and paranoid and told him we should take a break from seeing each other. 

I have to say I am thinking of ending it. I don't want to ruin my marriage or get into conflicts, but I am still very attracted to him. 

What should I do? 

[stillafool]

Someone made a thread a few days ago about their son having sex with an older man..  The son was 18 and the man is 54, was this you in reverse?  I don't understand, if you missed having sex with your wife because she's gained weight, why aren't you looking for a woman to have sex with instead of a young man?  You should be very worried about what his parents might do, especially his father.

[EvanMich]

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Someone made a thread a few days ago about their son having sex with an older man..  The son was 18 and the man is 54, was this you in reverse?  I don't understand, if you missed having sex with your wife because she's gained weight, why aren't you looking for a woman to have sex with instead of a young man?  You should be very worried about what his parents might do, especially his father.

Yes, what should I do now? 

I crave younger men because I enjoy being the taker. Idk they just excite me.

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, EvanMich said:

Yes, what should I do now? 

I crave younger men because I enjoy being the taker. Idk they just excite me.

Have you thought about divorcing your wife and setting both of you free to find a partner who fulfills you?  If you were single you could find a younger man, but preferably older than 18.  Please leave him alone.  Also, maybe your wife has gained weight because she is unfulfilled sexually and gets her satisfaction through food.  

[EvanMich]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Have you thought about divorcing your wife and setting both of you free to find a partner who fulfills you?  If you were single you could find a younger man, but preferably older than 18.  Please leave him alone.  Also, maybe your wife has gained weight because she is unfulfilled sexually and gets her satisfaction through food.  

Idk. It would be really hard to let her go. We been together so long. She doesn't talk to me. 

And to be honest, I get off on the age gap. I know it's really young, but I think it's what made me do it. It's taboo and I think I developed a fetish for it sexually as weird as it sounds. 

 

 

[EvanMich]

55 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Have you thought about divorcing your wife and setting both of you free to find a partner who fulfills you?  If you were single you could find a younger man, but preferably older than 18.  Please leave him alone.  Also, maybe your wife has gained weight because she is unfulfilled sexually and gets her satisfaction through food.  

But yeah. I am attracted to people from 18 to 50. I don't have a specific age range. It's all about looks for me. 

[stillafool]

40 minutes ago, EvanMich said:

Idk. It would be really hard to let her go. We been together so long. She doesn't talk to me. 

And to be honest, I get off on the age gap. I know it's really young, but I think it's what made me do it. It's taboo and I think I developed a fetish for it sexually as weird as it sounds. 

 

 

Why doesn't your wife talk to you?  Are you this young boy's first sexual experience with a man?  

[EvanMich]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why doesn't your wife talk to you?  Are you this young boy's first sexual experience with a man?  

Yes I am his first. He's very attractive and has lot of gfs but I am his first man. He said he felt embarrassed trying it out with a man before he met me. 

My wife and my families don't get along. We had lot of hard times in the past dealing with it. We had problems with money too and few of my addictions as well as hers relating to money. Eventually we kind of remained in it for the kids I guess. She has a busy job too, and constantly complains about it how she worked enough and I am supposed to be taking care of everything. I also have my job and work hard but she only sees it her way. She's just hard to deal with, but she wasn't this 10 years ago. 

But we try to live like a normal family. I guess everyone has problems. 

[stillafool]

9 minutes ago, EvanMich said:

Yes I am his first. He's very attractive and has lot of gfs but I am his first man. He said he felt embarrassed trying it out with a man before he met me

So you seduced this young boy and basically took his virginity.  How would you feel if a grown man did that to your son?  You are very selfish and it sounds like your poor wife has had to endure a lot being married to you.  There's nothing normal about what you're doing, which is cheating on your wife and sexually abusing a young boy.  You need to stop this now!

[EvanMich]

16 minutes ago, stillafool said:

So you seduced this young boy and basically took his virginity.  How would you feel if a grown man did that to your son?  You are very selfish and it sounds like your poor wife has had to endure a lot being married to you.  There's nothing normal about what you're doing, which is cheating on your wife and sexually abusing a young boy.  You need to stop this now!

OK that's fine if you think it's wrong, but sexually abusing? I think that's nonsense. If it was my son I would be against it but I wouldn't throw a tantrum because he would know what he's doing. Also, how did I take his virginity if he's already sexually experienced!? Makes no sense.  Taking my wife's side randomly is a bias but I guess it's understandable at this point. 

Yeah I am prolly letting that young man go. He's not worth any trouble. 

Edited May 11 by EvanMich

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, EvanMich said:

OK that's fine if you think it's wrong, but sexually abusing? I think that's nonsense. If it was my son I would be against it but I wouldn't throw a tantrum because he would know what he's doing. Also taking my wife's side randomly is a bias but I guess it's understandable at this point. 

Yeah I am prolly letting that young man go. He's not worth any trouble. 

I do consider it abuse because of his age and you seduced him into it.  Cheating on your wife is wrong and I don't uphold that. I'm glad to see you are thinking of letting this young man go and I hope you do.  I still think you should divorce your wife and go after what you really want as long as you aren't hurting anyone.

[EvanMich]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I do consider it abuse because of his age and you seduced him into it.  Cheating on your wife is wrong and I don't uphold that. I'm glad to see you are thinking of letting this young man go and I hope you do.  I still think you should divorce your wife and go after what you really want as long as you aren't hurting anyone.

I didn't really do much. It was a mutual decision. Nothing wrong imo. And yes, I will explore my desires with young men. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, EvanMich said:

Yes, what should I do now? 

File for divorce. Your wife deserves more respect than this. 

You will then be free to pursue any relationship you choose - be it casual or committed. 

[Els]

Wow. I think you should definitely go to his parents' house and tell his father. Preferably without anyone knowing you're there and at a time of the night when no one will be out and about. Bring a big bag, too...

[MsJayne]

Assuming this isn't a wind-up, you've got every reason to feel very, very worried.  I don't mean to be judgmental, but seriously, you say it's all about the looks, you crave young bodies, you targeted this young guy - so predatory and not cool on any level at all. You're married, you have a son the same age - what are you going to do if, (more likely 'when'), this comes out and your son finds out what you've done? What would you do if it went another way, the young guy realises he can blackmail you? Or his dad decides you need to be taught a life-changing lesson? You messaging this young guy on FB is grooming regardless of his 'adult' status, because he's so young and would perceive you as an authority figure, an unequal relationship. It comes across like you prefer them very young but wait until they're eighteen before you pounce. If I was you I'd be buckling my seat-belt for the bumpy ride coming up, because it may not come for a while, but it's coming. Start with telling your unfortunate wife what you've done and give her the option of a divorce before the s**t hits the fan and she has to suffer the public embarrassment with you. She sounds miserable and there's no prizes for guessing why. 

[ExpatInItaly]

"Prolly" and you're 54? 

Alright, then. File for divorce. You are not marriage material anymore. Then you can go hang out with the college crowd who will prolly mock you behind your back for being the old guy who's trying to be "cool" like them. 

 

[Gebidozo]

14 hours ago, EvanMich said:

But we try to live like a normal family. I guess everyone has problems. 

This doesn’t sound like a normal family at all, and not everyone has problems like this, 

You seem to be very careless and nonchalant when talking about your affair. It appears to me that you don’t realize the gravity of the situation. You are on a sinking ship, yet you stubbornly reassure yourself that you’ll survive no matter what.

You say you’re worried, but it doesn’t feel like are you remorseful.

It looks like your marriage has been dead for a while. Your wife is unhappy. You are unhappy. Why stay together when you are no longer truly husband and wife?

[EvanMich]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

"Prolly" and you're 54? 

Alright, then. File for divorce. You are not marriage material anymore. Then you can go hang out with the college crowd who will prolly mock you behind your back for being the old guy who's trying to be "cool" like them. 

 

I don't hang around with the college crowd. I have no interest in that. 

[EvanMich]

2 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Assuming this isn't a wind-up, you've got every reason to feel very, very worried.  I don't mean to be judgmental, but seriously, you say it's all about the looks, you crave young bodies, you targeted this young guy - so predatory and not cool on any level at all. You're married, you have a son the same age - what are you going to do if, (more likely 'when'), this comes out and your son finds out what you've done? What would you do if it went another way, the young guy realises he can blackmail you? Or his dad decides you need to be taught a life-changing lesson? You messaging this young guy on FB is grooming regardless of his 'adult' status, because he's so young and would perceive you as an authority figure, an unequal relationship. It comes across like you prefer them very young but wait until they're eighteen before you pounce. If I was you I'd be buckling my seat-belt for the bumpy ride coming up, because it may not come for a while, but it's coming. Start with telling your unfortunate wife what you've done and give her the option of a divorce before the s**t hits the fan and she has to suffer the public embarrassment with you. She sounds miserable and there's no prizes for guessing why. 

I have no authority over him though. We just have sex from time to time. I don't even know him that well. I think it was a mistake doing it with someone close to my son. That's what I regret. That boy needs to go... 

I have no remorse for my wife because we are not in love anymore. But I understand it was really wrong. I just don't feel bad. 

[EvanMich]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

This doesn’t sound like a normal family at all, and not everyone has problems like this, 

You seem to be very careless and nonchalant when talking about your affair. It appears to me that you don’t realize the gravity of the situation. You are on a sinking ship, yet you stubbornly reassure yourself that you’ll survive no matter what.

You say you’re worried, but it doesn’t feel like are you remorseful.

It looks like your marriage has been dead for a while. Your wife is unhappy. You are unhappy. Why stay together when you are no longer truly husband and wife?

I agree with you. I just don't want to lose her company I guess. But there is no love or remorse. I was thinking of giving her option to divorce, but without telling her about the affair. I want to keep it to myself. But definitely thinking of divorce at this point.