Bluspot79 Posted May 10, 2024 Posted May 10, 2024 My partner of 9 yrs ended our relationship Monday. Well, I sort of did because things hadn't been right for a while and I had enough of feeling unwanted and not feeling like I was special to her anymore. I tried to back track but it was too late. I packed up all of her stuff that was in my house and gave it back to her. I still can't go in my bedroom though so I am sleeping on the couch. I have blocked her on social media and I have deleted her number from my phone, but it is in my name and I kno the number off heart, so deleting it is pointless. I contacted the phone company and had the number locked because it is in my name. Thought I was being smart because then I couldn't text her. Tuesday night I had a WhatsApp message from her, something to do with a camera I put up for her has gone and she thought I took it. Anyway that obviously opened up contact and I spent a lot of Wednesday begging and pleading and getting myself in a hysterical state. In the end I asked her to block me but she hasn't, saying it wouldn't stop me. I got through Thursday without contacting her. But today I gave in again but I haven't had any reply. I don't expect to get one. I dont seem to be able to stop myself wanting, and giving in to, contacting her, as if I want to keep torturing myself, but I don't. It's the most pain I have ever felt. I have 2 children from a previous relationship aged 12 and 18. They live with me and are being amazing. Since things ended I have found out how unhappy they had been the last couple of years and that they don't want her back. She wasn't nasty but only ever nagged them. She is a much stricter parent than I am. They are much happier now, and that does make me feel guilty for being so selfish I didn't see how unhappy they were because I was so focused on making her happy. I also feel guilty for not being happy she has gone like they are. I don't want them to think she will come back because deep down I don't want that, they don't want that and she doesn't want that. But I just can't let go. I feel like I am going crazy because in my head I don't want her back but my heart just won't let go. What is making it feel so daunting and impossible right now, is that she lives next door to us.... I can't see any possible future where I can get over her, when I see her if she is in her garden, I can hear her through the walls because they are so thin. She hasn't even moved on so all I hear is her voice but it's torturous. When she does bring someone back it will be too much to bear. Last night I was trying to go to sleep and I heard her get home from work. I couldn't sleep most of the night. I just can't see any way I am going to get thru this, even though I know I have no other option because my kids need me. I am agoraphobic so I can't even go out to get away. I am seeing a therapist each week. What is wrong with me? I have my kids, my dog, family and a good friend or 2. Why can't I just let go of 1 thing that i dont even want, when I have so much? The loneliness when I go to bed, or when the kids go out, is devastating, even with my dog. I just can't see a way through. I'm not religious so I can't rely on my faith in anything. Sorry if that was a bit all over the place. That's very much how my head is right now.
Alpacalia Posted May 10, 2024 Posted May 10, 2024 (edited) Good that you're going to see a therapist. I have agoraphobia with a few things as well. So I understand what that's like. Honestly give it time. Let yourself feel how you feel. You have to learn to love yourself. That you're good enough without someone else's love. Which is damn hard to do after being in one relationship for 9 years. No contact doesn't mean you can't see her face to face, it means don't text or call or social media or stalking. Just respectful distance. Your therapist should help you on how to do that. It's the best way. Rip the bandaid off and let yourself heal. If you're constantly popping the scab off it won't heal. Practice self care. Pamper yourself when you can, lay with candles and books or movies or TV shows that make you laugh. Listen to your favorite album or artist. Anything you can to distract yourself, even if you're crying and it's hard. Doing these things are better then popping that scab off. Edited May 10, 2024 by Alpacalia
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