Why must it be so hard?

[WorldTraveler]

I suppose life has a funny way of working out and now I find myself paralyzed with fear and confusion, unable to make a decision regarding my love life. Two weeks ago, after not seeing or talking to her for three years, I had an opportunity to rekindle things with my ex. We both ran into each other at our mutual friend’s wedding. I’ve been single since we broke up, dating few girls casually in between. She’s now single and has been in two relationships after her and I broke up. When I saw her at the wedding, it was like we picked up right where we left off three years ago . It was so easy and came natural, overall a pretty surreal experience. I’ve always considered our connection to be one of those rare once in a lifetime connections. She was my best friend and we understood each other on such a deep level. On paper, she checked all the boxes and not to mention the fact that our beliefs, identities, hobbies, humor - it all aligned. The sex was incredible. I always felt like (and still do) she’s my person. Overall, our relationship was really good. We dated for three years with the final year being long distance. But towards the end, my mental health took a turn and had a negative effect on our relationship. It made long-distance even more challenging and considering I had two years of grad school ahead of me, we decided to end things, knowing it probably wouldn’t last with the state that our relationship was in. It was one of the hardest break ups I’ve ever dealt with, but there was a piece of me that felt like someday our paths would cross again. However, one of the issues that we had when we were together was that she has no desire to leave her hometown. Her parents live there with her brother who has an intellectual disability. And after being away from them for 10 years, she has no desire to leave. The problem lies with the fact that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in the city that she calls home. When we were dating, I tried multiple times to make it work. I tried to be positive and give the city a chance, but it simply wouldn’t work. I used to try many times to plant the seed and suggest nearby cities or states seeing if she would ever be open to living close by to her family, but she would never budge and it appears that this is a non-negotiable for her. So basically, if I wanted a future with her, I was gonna have to be the flexible one and make this large sacrifice. Three years ago, I struggled with the same thoughts and fears that I do now.

Fast-forward to the wedding. We had the chance to catch up, which then led to us spending the night together and having sex. I’m not sure why I thought doing this would come without emotions, but the next morning I woke up and all the emotions and fears that I felt when we were dating came rushing back in. Overall, it was a great weekend and we had a lot of fun together. But as we departed, the confusion set in and we start crying, unsure if this was truly the end. To complicate matters further, I decided to invite her as my plus one to a wedding I had the following weekend. Once again, we had another fun weekend together laughing, catching up, and having more sex. As expected, this only made things more confusing because we were both unsure of how to proceed. She was questioning, whether or not this was the universe giving us a second chance or if this was just an opportunity to make amends and close this door for good. 

Two weeks have gone by and I still don’t know what to do. She’s open to cautiously taking things slow and just going with the flow for now. But it kills me because I’m not sure if I feel the same. Because if we decide to pursue this, we’ll be faced with at least another year of long distance and if we make the choice to try again it’s because marriage is the next step. The time we spent together was amazing and was a reminder of how much I love her and the connection we share. But I’m fearful that if ultimately we don’t end up pursuing this again,  I’ll never find a similar connection. Always comparing future partners to her and constantly chasing something similar. But the reality of the situation is that after three years, she still has no desire to leave her city and the thought of moving there still sounds unappealing to me. It’s not a place I want to raise kids, nor a place I’d want to live long term. I realize relationships are about compromise and because of this, I’ve told her that I would be willing to move there for her and make that sacrifice for a few years. But honestly, I couldn’t see wanting to live there for more than 3 to 5 years. And my fear is that if I take the leap of faith and move there, 5 years will turn into 15 and next thing you know I’m waking up with resentment, unhappy in a city that I hate. But one thing she told me before we departed that kind of stuck was that I’m always chasing the next best thing. And that I have this vision of a perfect partner and a perfect life that is unattainable that prevents me from seeing all the good that’s standing in front of me staring me in the face.

So I guess what I’m looking for is advice. How can I undo this paralysis that is preventing me from making a decision? Because part of me feels like this is a fairly large decision. One that I will be left wondering about for years to come. Are my fears and concerns legitimate or am I exaggerating here? Is it possible to be compatible in all of the ways I’ve listed yet not be able to agree on something such as location and let that be a reason to stay apart?

Edited May 10 by WorldTraveler

[archmagus]

Your concerns about relocating to be with your ex are valid, especially given that the thought of living in her city long-term is unappealing to you. Relationships are indeed about compromise, but it’s also about mutual respect and understanding of each other’s needs and desires.

You mentioned that you have this vision of a perfect partner and a perfect life that is unattainable, which might be preventing you from seeing the good that’s right in front of you. However, it is important to recognize that no one is perfect, and seeking perfection can often lead to dissatisfaction and missed opportunities for genuine happiness.

It’s crucial to weigh the importance of location against the strength of your connection with your ex. While the connection you share may be special, it needs to be considered within the context of your overall life goals and happiness. If you’re not confident in the potential longevity of your relationship or if you foresee resentment building due to a location mismatch, it might be wise to consider other options.

Your ex’s comment about you chasing the next best thing is also worth reflecting on. It's possible that your pursuit of perfection is causing you to overlook the good things in your life. It might be helpful to take a step back and assess what truly matters to you in a relationship and whether your current situation aligns with those values.

In the end, only you can decide what's best for you, but it's essential to make that decision based on a realistic assessment of your needs, desires, and the potential outcomes of your choices. It’s not about seeking perfection; it’s about finding a situation that allows you to thrive and be happy, both individually and as part of a couple.

[Gaeta]

You say she's your person but she's not. If she were you'd make the sacrifice and find an acceptable neighborhood. Your sacrifice is minimal compared to sacrifices couples make to be together. People move to different continent and country to be together. We're not talking uprooting yourself here or learning a new language.

It's one of those things. You want her but you don't want her so you hang on to that city excuse.

Edited May 10 by Gaeta

[Gebidozo]

OP, let me share a story from my own life as a comment on your situation.

A couple of years ago, the woman who is now my fiancée had to choose between two guys. One was her on-and-off ex with whom she’d already have a long-term, very serious relationship, and who was trying to rekindle their romance. The other was, obviously, myself. 

The stalemate lasted for just a couple of weeks. One time I jokingly said, “Ok, where is he? We’ll fight and whoever wins will get you”. My now-fiancée said he was in another country.

He didn’t want to come to the country she and I were living in. He was basically waiting for her to come to him. Also, he never came to her country during COVID times, even though he could, which caused her to break up with him in the first place.

I said (and she knew that I was completely sincere), “I don’t get it. Why didn’t he come? It’s not that he’d be killed in this country. I wonder whether he really wanted you that much if he chose to stay behind. I’d move anywhere to be with you. I’d go into the ninth circle of hell if that’s what it takes to be with you”.

She looked at me and said, “This is one of the reasons why I’m beginning to think that I’ve already made my decision. You’re willing to make such a sacrifice for me if needed. That means a lot to me”.

OP, if you truly love that woman, you will take that leap of faith you’re talking about. 

[Warchief]

Holding on to your past will never make you see what your future holds there's a reason she's your ex. 

[Els]

On 5/11/2024 at 7:14 AM, WorldTraveler said:

But honestly, I couldn’t see wanting to live there for more than 3 to 5 years

I'm a person who has moved countries to be with my husband (bf at that time). And I will say that if this is how you feel about it, and she's unwilling to budge, then unfortunately you two are incompatible in a way that will be impossible to fix. It's not your fault or hers, it's just the reality of it.

When I moved, it wasn't a commitment so much as a trial. I had never lived in that country and had no idea what it would be like. It turns out that I loved it, and we had many happy years there (before we had to move again... but I digress). However, if I didn't like the place, I would only have stayed with him if he had agreed to move after a certain period of time.

We're currently living in a town that I absolutely loathe, but it's very temporary and we will be leaving soon. If it was permanent and he wouldn't budge, I would leave. My mental health has suffered tremendously in the short time that we have lived here, and I know that realistically I would never survive living here long term.

You only have one life. Don't spend it living in a place that makes you miserable.

Edited May 11 by Els

[Els]

On 5/11/2024 at 7:14 AM, WorldTraveler said:

But one thing she told me before we departed that kind of stuck was that I’m always chasing the next best thing. And that I have this vision of a perfect partner and a perfect life that is unattainable that prevents me from seeing all the good that’s standing in front of me staring me in the face.

This sounds rather unfair and a bit like gaslighting IMO. She's putting all the onus on you to make this sacrifice, while she herself chooses not to move. She is as much responsible as you are for the standoff that exists at the moment.

[WorldTraveler]

On 5/11/2024 at 2:52 PM, Els said:

This sounds rather unfair and a bit like gaslighting IMO. She's putting all the onus on you to make this sacrifice, while she herself chooses not to move. She is as much responsible as you are for the standoff that exists at the moment.

Yeah I've been told that if she's my person I would move without any second thoughts. But then I don't see why the inverse isn't being acknowledged with regard to why she is unwilling to budge an inch and come to some kind of compromise and instead just shuts down all attempts. And then she proceeds to say how "we can't predict the future as to where we will end up so why worry about it now?" Which I do agree with, but I fear committing to a move and then never moving because she doesn't want to leave her family.

[basil67]

17 minutes ago, WorldTraveler said:

Yeah I've been told that if she's my person I would move without any second thoughts. But then I don't see why the inverse isn't being acknowledged with regard to why she is unwilling to budge an inch and come to some kind of compromise and instead just shuts down all attempts. And then she proceeds to say how "we can't predict the future as to where we will end up so why worry about it now?" Which I do agree with, but I fear committing to a move and then never moving because she doesn't want to leave her family.

It's really quite simple.  If she (understandably) doesn't want to leave her family and you (understandably) can't see yourself living in her city, then it's not going to work.  That's all there is to it.   The only way there could be some compromise is if there's a sister city near to where her family lives which you could also be happy in.

 

[Gaeta]

Her brother has a disability, she is needed. The way her life is set up affects other lives. Her moving to another city has much more repercussions than yours.  Her brother will always be disabled. She will always feel a responsibility toward him. Eventually her parents will get old and more responsibilities will be put upon her.  Don't you see that she comes with a package? You take it or leave it.

[basil67]

41 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Her brother has a disability, she is needed. The way her life is set up affects other lives. Her moving to another city has much more repercussions than yours.  Her brother will always be disabled. She will always feel a responsibility toward him. Eventually her parents will get old and more responsibilities will be put upon her.  Don't you see that she comes with a package? You take it or leave it.

Ah, I missed this.   Thank you

[WorldTraveler]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

It's really quite simple.  If she (understandably) doesn't want to leave her family and you (understandably) can't see yourself living in her city, then it's not going to work.  That's all there is to it.   The only way there could be some compromise is if there's a sister city near to where her family lives which you could also be happy in.

 

I agree, it just sucks. When everything else is perfect and she checks all the boxes in what I'd want in a partner. It sucks not being able to find some middle ground and reach some kind of compromise.

[WorldTraveler]

51 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Her brother has a disability, she is needed. The way her life is set up affects other lives. Her moving to another city has much more repercussions than yours.  Her brother will always be disabled. She will always feel a responsibility toward him. Eventually her parents will get old and more responsibilities will be put upon her.  Don't you see that she comes with a package? You take it or leave it.

Yeah I do. And she has always been transparent about it and has told me that she would understand if I didn't want to take on that level of responsibility. I understand that to be with her I would have to be more flexible between the two of us. And with her bother involved for probably the rest of our lives, it would require us to relinquish a lot of flexibility as a couple. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, WorldTraveler said:

I agree, it just sucks. When everything else is perfect and she checks all the boxes in what I'd want in a partner. It sucks not being able to find some middle ground and reach some kind of compromise.

How good is your offer of compromise?  Just how close a drive will she be from her family if she were to move to where you want?   If it's less than an hour, I could see this being a reasonable option.

That said, there are a lot of times where situations have no compromise.   Perhaps I'm biased because I have a disabled child but I know that for better or worse, the sibling will be needed play a role in the future care of the PWD.  It may be a direct caring role or it may be supervising someone else to support him, but if she's the only other sibling, she needs to be around.  PWD who are left solely supported by carers without family or friends checking in are at greater risk of neglect.  In terms of necessity, her need to be near her family and brother arguably trumps your need to avoid her city long term.  

Taking turns giving and taking is the alternative when there is no compromise option.  Sometimes I agree that my husband's need has priority over my conflicting need. And sometimes my husband agrees that my need has priority over his conflicting need.  What kind of give and take do the two of you do for each other?

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, WorldTraveler said:

Yeah I've been told that if she's my person I would move without any second thoughts. But then I don't see why the inverse isn't being acknowledged with regard to why she is unwilling to budge an inch and come to some kind of compromise and instead just shuts down all attempts. And then she proceeds to say how "we can't predict the future as to where we will end up so why worry about it now?" Which I do agree with, but I fear committing to a move and then never moving because she doesn't want to leave her family.

There are some situations where mutual compromises are impossible, and one person has to make a sacrifice. If this woman is truly as amazing as you feel she is, stop poisoning your mind with thoughts about why she wouldn’t do this or that. It’s not about fairness, it’s about you being with the person that you consider the love of your life.

What is, specifically, so terrible in that city you’d have to move to in order to be together with her?

 

[Els]

9 hours ago, WorldTraveler said:

Yeah I've been told that if she's my person I would move without any second thoughts. But then I don't see why the inverse isn't being acknowledged with regard to why she is unwilling to budge an inch and come to some kind of compromise and instead just shuts down all attempts. And then she proceeds to say how "we can't predict the future as to where we will end up so why worry about it now?" Which I do agree with, but I fear committing to a move and then never moving because she doesn't want to leave her family.

Just to be clear, I don't think she's in the wrong either. It's just an unfortunate set of circumstances, and it's fair for her to make the decision that she wants to live there for the rest of her life. It sounds like your case is similar to dating a person with children who can't leave the city because they don't want to move their children. Of course they have the right to make that decision, and it could even be argued that that is the best decision. However, they have to accept that realistically speaking, this may make them incompatible with some people, and they shouldn't be gaslighting the other person into feeling guilty or "wrong" for choosing not to make this sacrifice for them.

I should also note that there was a post by a woman recently who didn't want to move for her partner's potential job, and the majority of responses were that there's no sense in moving for a partner whom she's not married to (even though they've been together for 10 years). Yet in your case you're not even in a relationship with this person at the moment, the only commitment you have from her is that she's "cautiously open to taking things slow", yet you are being urged to move to a city that you dislike permanently for her. I'm not really sure why this disparity exists, to be honest.

IMO your situation is a no-brainer, don't move. If your relationship was stable and wonderful and you'd been together for 10 years, then I'd say that it might be worth considering, although the risk for long-term resentment could be high and it could destroy your relationship. But you're in an on-again off-again relationship with a person who's not even committed to you. I really don't see why you'd do it. I think it's best if you go no contact with her and work with a therapist to get over this relationship. There are other women out there who will be more compatible with you, and you'll find them once you're in the right headspace. You just haven't allowed yourself to be, because you've been carrying a torch for her this whole time.

[smackie9]

It's my understanding she's an on/off again ex? Dude just move on if you want a suitable life. 

[Gaeta]

I also wonder what is so bad about that city that you'd purposely lose 'your person' over it.