Are there any guys here who like it when women initate?

[sedgwick]

I've had two relationships in the last 17 years, and both guys seemed REALLY annoyed when I initiated sex, to the point that it crushed my self-esteem and led to many unwanted, celibate years.  Shockingly, and completely unexpectedly, I've met somebody, and we're going on our first date this week. We've been talking for a couple of months, and it seems we're super hot for each other. But I don't feel like it would ever be okay for me to initiate any physical stuff, so I'm trying to figure out how to keep my cool and refrain. 

I guess I'm just wondering if there are any men reading this who would actually like it if a woman kissed you first, or initiated sex once you were dating. I've heard guys say they would, but in my experience, that hasn't been the case. Because I like this new person a lot, I'm trying to figure out how to keep my desire for him under wraps when we actually start dating. I hate that this seems necessary, but based on the last two decades of my life, it does. 

Are there any men reading this who really, truly like it when women make the first move, or would you prefer to always be the one to do it? If you do like it, how do you prefer that she does it? I don't know if I'll ever have the courage again, but in my dream relationship, I could let my partner know I wanted him.

Edited May 12, 2024 by sedgwick

[Gebidozo]

OP, could you please clarify what exactly you mean by “initiating”? To give a special look first, to say something flirty first, to suggest going somewhere private first, to kiss first, to put a hand somewhere first? Are you talking about initiating something sexual for the first time only, or during a relationship?

 

 

[sedgwick]

3 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

OP, could you please clarify what exactly you mean by “initiating”? To give a special look first, to say something flirty first, to suggest going somewhere private first, to kiss first, to put a hand somewhere first? Are you talking about initiating something sexual for the first time only, or during a relationship?

I feel like special looks/saying something flirty are okay in moderation, but in my last two decades of experience, men don't like the rest. 

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, sedgwick said:

I've had two relationships in the last 17 years, and both guys seemed REALLY annoyed when I initiated sex, to the point that it crushed my self-esteem and led to many unwanted, celibate years.  Shockingly, and completely unexpectedly, I've met somebody, and we're going on our first date this week. We've been talking for a couple of months, and it seems we're super hot for each other. But I don't feel like it would ever be okay for me to initiate any physical stuff, so I'm trying to figure out how to keep my cool and refrain. 

I guess I'm just wondering if there are any men reading this who would actually like it if a woman kissed you first, or initiated sex once you were dating. I've heard guys say they would, but in my experience, that hasn't been the case. Because I like this new person a lot, I'm trying to figure out how to keep my desire for him under wraps when we actually start dating. I hate that this seems necessary, but based on the last two decades of my life, it does. 

Are there any men reading this who really, truly like it when women make the first move, or would you prefer to always be the one to do it? If you do like it, how do you prefer that she does it? I don't know if I'll ever have the courage again, but in my dream relationship, I could let my partner know I wanted him.

I think many men would like if a lady made the first move. I think for me if she kissed me first it would be rather nice. My advice to you is to not overthink this too much and go with the moment because overthinking in my experience is never particularly helpful.

[Els]

I was the person who initiated sex for the first time in most of my relationships, including with my husband. They all seemed to be happy about it, although obviously the previous relationships didn't work out, so I only have one successful data point. The main reason why I initiated was because we were all from a culture where people typically wait a very, very long time to have sex, and it was generally considered ungentlemanly for a man to initiate "early" in a relationship even if he wanted to have sex. I wanted to have sex "early" (again, this is all relative - it was considered early in that culture, but probably late by LS standards), and I didn't see any point in waiting any further if we both wanted it, so I'd put the first foot forward.

I imagine it's really just a matter of compatibility, and I'm sure there are men who don't like it. But look at it this way - do you WANT to be with a man who judges you negatively for initiating?

 

[flitzanu]

guy here, yes and no.

1. no:  you make the first move - what if he isn't actually into you, and now you're rejected, how is this going to hit your ego?  would it be different if you don't make a move - and nothing happens, and turns out he isn't into you, is that as damaging to you?

2. yes:  you make the first move, and it saves him the anxiety of trying to read your signals and find the courage to make a move.  and then he has a green light that you're interested.

 

the middle ground here, you can start slower or smaller.  if this is a first date, you don't have to kiss or make out, unless that's all your after is sex.  light hand or arm touching can do wonders.  you don't have to grab and hold his hand, but you can lightly trace your finger down his hand, something direct enough that can't be confused but isn't forceful.  you don't have to do everything all at once, a little mystery and tension is sexy.

[Mrin]

Dominant type dude here. Absolutely. A woman embracing her sexuality is super sexy IMHO. Can be as subtle as the "the look" or as straightforward as dropping to her knees and unbuckling my pants the first second we are alone. All very hot to me!

[sedgwick]

14 minutes ago, Mrin said:

dropping to her knees and unbuckling my pants the first second we are alone. 

I would give ANYTHING to date a guy who liked that! 

[basil67]

Are you talking about initiating the first time you have sex, or is it also about initiating sex when you're already in a relationship?   

 

[sedgwick]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Are you talking about initiating the first time you have sex, or is it also about initiating sex when you're already in a relationship?   

 

Initiating at all, ever.

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, sedgwick said:

I feel like special looks/saying something flirty are okay in moderation, but in my last two decades of experience, men don't like the rest. 

But what is “the rest”? Could you please be more specific?

Because, you see, my response would vary depending on the nuances. 

I do like it a lot when the woman tells me something flirty, looks at me in a special way, or otherwise makes it clear that she likes me.

But I prefer to be the one to initiate the first kiss, and the one to take matters further the first time around. Doesn’t mean I’d hate it when the woman initiate those, but I’m more at ease with my own modus operandi.

However, if you’re talking about initiating when already being in a relationship, then I love it when my lady kisses me passionately out of the blue, or suddenly puts her hand somewhere when I least expect it, if you catch my drift.

 

 

Edited May 12, 2024 by Gebidozo

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, sedgwick said:

I would give ANYTHING to date a guy who liked that! 

I find it hard to imagine a guy who would not like that

Maybe an exceedingly shy, inexperienced guy, or a very prudish, judgmental one.

I’m very dominant, so I don’t really give the woman the opportunity to initiate in most cases, but a few times something like what Mrin described did happen, and it was definitely not off-putting.

I think it’s really much more about liking each other, having strong sexual chemistry, than about who initiates and how exactly.

[Els]

11 hours ago, sedgwick said:

Initiating at all, ever.

Wow, we're not even talking about the first time?

There are lots and lots of couples where both people initiate sex. In fact, I think (or hope) that that is much more common than relationships where only the man initiates. I daresay it's healthier, too.

Where are you meeting these men who can't handle their partner initiating sometimes? Are they very religious or conservative?

[sedgwick]

51 minutes ago, Els said:

Where are you meeting these men who can't handle their partner initiating sometimes? Are they very religious or conservative?

No, both are very progressive. I met the first one because he was in a band I used to go see a lot; I met the second on Hinge. 

[Sony12]

43 minutes ago, sedgwick said:

No, both are very progressive. I met the first one because he was in a band I used to go see a lot; I met the second on Hinge. 

Do you tend to go for aggressive men? In some cases these types enjoy being in control so they wouldn't be quite as into women choosing the direction things go.

Overall though I doubt you would find all that many men complaining about women wanting to initiate sex or foreplay. Probably just has more to do with the 'types' you are going after. A lady initiating a blow job is something a ton of guys like.

Edited May 13, 2024 by Sony12

[smackie9]

I suggest you try a more balanced approach. You don't do anything to try to make them like you, just be yourself. You ask them out, you feel the situation out on the date, enjoy yourself, then let them ask you out next. You still go through the motions getting to know one another. If the feeling is right, move in for a kiss, etc. If they know you are confident, they are going to understand that you won't be fooled. The key is to have the confidence to walk away because you know what you want and won't put up with crap. 

[mark clemson]

Like some above, I have no issue with the woman initiating sex. Indeed I find it strange that it wold be a big deal to a man - if he doesn't want to for some reason he can just say let's wait until tomorrow or similar. It doesn't have to be a big deal.

On 5/12/2024 at 8:40 AM, sedgwick said:

I've had two relationships in the last 17 years, and both guys seemed REALLY annoyed when I initiated sex, to the point that it crushed my self-esteem and led to many unwanted, celibate years.  

Ok, but if you remained celibate over many years there's got to be a lot more to the picture than just how these two relationships played out.

 

Quote

I feel like special looks/saying something flirty are okay in moderation, but in my last two decades of experience, men don't like the rest. 

Ok, but your sample size here is 2. Way too small to be drawing conclusions on if you think about it. These particular guys you dated were the issue.

Edited May 13, 2024 by mark clemson

[sedgwick]

48 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Ok, but if you remained celibate over many years there's got to be a lot more to the picture than just how these two relationships played out.

I stayed celibate for 15 years after the first guy broke up with me, because he had crushed my self-esteem to the point that it took me a VERY long time, and a lot of therapy, to get it back. But also, nobody approached me in those years, so I don't think I could have had sex even if I'd tried.

 I'd love it so much if the new guy liked it when I kissed him. Hopefully we'll get to the point of sex and he'll like it if I show enthusiasm!

Edited May 13, 2024 by sedgwick

[Lotsgoingon]

Initiation in romance is best done when the other person signals that they want to be initiated on.  

Let’s say I’m out on a date I’m enjoying myself, and I drape my arm around a woman's waist to respond to a funny story she’s telling. And let’s say she immediately leans in and wraps her arm around me in response to me putting my arm around her. You could say I initiated by wrapping my arm around her. But I put my arm around her because she was telling a great story with great enthusiasm. Yep: enthusiasm is a key way we signal we are interested --not showing enthusiasm is a key way we signal disinterest.

We can go back further in this dance of initiation and response. This woman is telling the funny story with enthusiasm because she feels comfortable and inspired to do so based on our time together up to that point. She wouldn’t tell that story if she weren’t interested in me (she would be keeping her distance and limiting her enthusiasm). 

OP, you might be initiating without having gotten clear signals that the guy is interested. If a woman maintains distance during time out together and then suddenly makes a big move on me at the end, that ain't gonna work. Why is she doing this? She was dead during the date. I don't want her all over me--I'm not feeling her. 

If you are really socially skilled, you participate in this dance without much conscious thinking and strategizing.

 

[Alpacalia]

Wouldn't it be nice if you could feel comfortable enough with the person you're dating to express your desires without feeling like you're going to be rejected or judged? That's an ideal scenario that I believe you deserve. Where he is excited and thrilled that you took the initiative and he is attracted to you. 

I'm not a man so I cannot give you that insight but of course, there are men out there who would love it if a woman took the lead and initiated physical intimacy. 

I'm not so sure it's about who takes the lead, but about being comfortable enough to express your desires and feel desired in return.

I have read that some men think when women initiate that if she does initiate that she must be that way with 10 other guys too, and that thought goes through their head and it turns them off. 

There may be men who fall that way, but there are probably more men who would be flattered and turned on by a woman who has the confidence to take the lead and show her desire for him. 

But if he is such a man it's unlikely that you sitting there and being submissively demure is going to make him think otherwise. 

If this new person is someone that seems to have genuine interest and is emotionally healthy, he will appreciate your initiative. If he does actually get turned off by you taking the lead, then he probably isn't the right person for you and it's better to know that sooner rather than later. 

[stillafool]

There are men who think women initiating sex first who are not in a relationship are displaying masculine energy and it turns them off.  However, the majority, I bet, would love it because that's less work they have to do.  I'm sure you should have no problems finding takers.

[basil67]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

There are men who think women initiating sex first who are not in a relationship are displaying masculine energy and it turns them off.  However, the majority, I bet, would love it because that's less work they have to do.  I'm sure you should have no problems finding takers.

If a guy rejected me for initiating sex and I found out it was because he worried about masculine and feminine energy, I'd be glad to have dodged that bullet.  

All in all, it's about compatibility.  

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

There are men who think women initiating sex first who are not in a relationship are displaying masculine energy and it turns them off.  However, the majority, I bet, would love it because that's less work they have to do.  I'm sure you should have no problems finding takers.

I think it really depends on how exactly a woman initiates sex.

A few times women I’d been previously only talking to kissed me first. It was definitely not off-putting, just a bit unusual, because normally I’m the one who initiates, simply because I like it. None of those led to a long-term relationship, but their initiative wasn’t a factor. It’s just that the cases where I kissed the woman first were far more numerous.

Then there were three cases in my past when women I’d previously only chatted with literally told me this, “Come over to my place and f*** me”. One woman said that in person, two in text. I refused in two of those cases because I was in a relationship with someone else, but accepted the other offer because I was single at the time. In all three cases, I was definitely turned on by such seemingly “masculine” initiation. 

Now, in one of the aforementioned cases, the woman and I had already been flirting heavily. In the second case, the woman had texted me flirty messages prior to inviting me over to her house. In the third case (the only one I accepted due to being single), the woman sent that message out of the blue. She said she was lonely and needed a man. I accepted because, well, I was a single dude and she looked nice enough, so I thought “why not”.

But I wouldn’t date that woman. Not because her offer was “masculine”, but because it was too impersonal, clinical, unprepared, with zero romance or true chemistry in it, one of those things that are great to fantasize about, but aren’t actually that great at all when they happen in real life. I didn’t feel really wanted, I felt I was used, picked up like a tool. There were no hard feelings at all, but that kind of thing really was off-putting in the long run.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that when there is attraction and at least a hint of romance, when things happen organically, I can’t understand why any guy would give a damn about who exactly initiates what. But when anyone, man or woman, just places a cold, calculated “booty call”, it would probably not be a good way to start a romantic relationship. 

 

[mark clemson]

22 hours ago, sedgwick said:

I stayed celibate for 15 years after the first guy broke up with me, because he had crushed my self-esteem to the point that it took me a VERY long time, and a lot of therapy, to get it back. But also, nobody approached me in those years, so I don't think I could have had sex even if I'd tried.

Ok, again my point is that if your "self-esteem was crushed" for 15 years by a relationship, that points to larger issues. I mean this person did not own you as a slave and torture and abuse you, right?

You feel/experienced this as you say, but I think in reality the issues with "self esteem" must go a lot deeper than simply the relationship itself. People get rejected/broken up with all the time and bounce right back from it. Ok, that's not you, but 15 years is so far outside the norm for "recovery" that, again, it points to some deeper issue. I'm not going to speculate what might or might not be going on with you psychologically, I'm just pointing out the elephant in the room with these statements you are making.

For example (and I'm NOT saying this is the case with you) perhaps a person might develop clinical depression and THAT keeps them "out of the game" for 15 years. Not the break up itself.

Edited May 14, 2024 by mark clemson

[Els]

15 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I guess what I’m trying to say is that when there is attraction and at least a hint of romance, when things happen organically, I can’t understand why any guy would give a damn about who exactly initiates what. But when anyone, man or woman, just places a cold, calculated “booty call”, it would probably not be a good way to start a romantic relationship. 

The OP seems to be saying that she was already in a relationship with these guys and they never wanted her to initiate during the relationship, though. That's... unusual, IMO.