My ex basically left me homeless

[Ash22]

My ex fiance of 5 years upped and moved out about 3 weeks ago. To give a quick backstory, we had reconciled about two months ago (he went and stayed at a hotel for a short period of time and broke things off with me). I had moved up here from Texas after being long distance and he proposed to me. (I’m not disclosing the location as these posts are public). We were having some difficulties. While we are both insecure, he had a lot of trouble with practically everything I do. He was very verbally abusive when he was angry with me or when we had arguments. I’m no angel, I can be a lot to handle and I’ve accepted that. We got into an argument which he believed jeopardized his freedom, all the while doing the behaviors that would cause that, not me. He moved out. He didn’t pay rent for that month that he moved out and here I am with a 3 day notice and no way to pay the rent for the upcoming month. He left me with all the unpaid bills as well. He was the one who took care of the rent and whatever I made with my part time job covered what he couldn’t. He told me a week was long enough to find another job to pay for another place to live. I JUST recently got another job. We are both on the lease. 
 

I have been in this house by myself with me 12 year old son. We have until the end of this month to find somewhere else to go with limited funds. I feel betrayed, abandoned, hurt, hated and unloved. Our conversations have never been civil after this breakup. He’s pleading with me to stay friends and maybe see where it goes. But I personally feel I can’t be friends with someone who created this level of betrayal.  He continuously tells me that this is all my fault with no ounce of acknowledgement to his actions. When I try to explain to him that he really needs to take responsibility, he calls me seriously hurtful names and continues to blame me. One minute he’s telling me that he misses me and will always love me, to seriously verbally assaulting me to where I spiral so far out of control mentally and emotionally that I don’t even want to be here anymore. 
 

I will admit during this process of leaving me that I said ONE hateful thing to him and he’s used it against me over and over again. I will admit I flipped out when he abandoned us. I have never responded to a breakup like this before. I feel extremely alone. I feel betrayed. I feel lost. I’ve barley made enough money to pay the bills and feed my child and I. I have a chance to leave here and go back to my fathers house in the middle of nowhere in TX, but there’s nothing there and I feel like leaving would hurt my child as he’s made strides here with the school and friends. I’m at a loss. I can’t figure out what to do. A part of me wants to stay because maybe there’s a “chance”, but another part of me feels as though I don’t deserve this and should just leave regardless if it’s not the most ideal place. 

[basil67]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.  However given how toxic and abusive this relationships was, you should not return to him even if he apologises on his bended knees.  Take this as a learning experience in what not to accept as a partner.   And instead of accepting that you can be a lot to handle, start working on making changes so that you can learn to be easy to live with in a relationship the next time you start one.  After all, you are your son's greatest role model and you don't want him to see and copy toxic behaviour from either you or a partner.   

Regarding the rent, if you haven't already done so, you may be able to talk with the real estate agent about how to manage this situation. Would you be able to pay half of what is owed and then they cancel the lease and chase him for his share in the small claims court?  Can you get a cheaper apartment near your son's school?  

Are you working?  Is your son's father in his life?

Edited May 13, 2024 by basil67

[Ash22]

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 Regarding the rent, if you haven't already done so, you may be able to talk with the real estate agent about how to manage this situation. Would you be able to pay half of what is owed and then they cancel the lease and chase him for his share in the small claims court?  Can you get a cheaper apartment near your son's school?  

Are you working?  Is your son's father in his life?

I appreciate you responding! No, his father isn’t in his life, unfortunately. He doesn’t want to be and that’s okay. The only man he’s ever had in his life is my ex fiance, so it’s also difficult for him as well. 
 

I feel that small claims court would just be a waste of time as he’s been sued before and basically acted as if it were not a big deal and ignored it. *shrug*. 
 

Rent is pretty high at the moment and the only thing I’ve found here is about $1300 for a 2 bedroom. When work starts moving along, I’ll be able to do that. But right now there’s no possibility to prove my income without working with the full time job and no money saved for deposits, etc; I keep trying to have faith and that’s all that really keeps me afloat right now  

 

I also forgot to mention he moved out of state. I guess my issue that is always running through my mind is the what ifs. What if I leave and he comes back, what if I stay and he doesn’t. It’s a constant battle in my mind. I tried NC and it lasted 3 days before he started calling me over and over again and asking if I’m okay. I should have kept ignoring them. 

[Els]

8 hours ago, Ash22 said:

He moved out. He didn’t pay rent for that month that he moved out and here I am with a 3 day notice and no way to pay the rent for the upcoming month. He left me with all the unpaid bills as well. He was the one who took care of the rent and whatever I made with my part time job covered what he couldn’t. He told me a week was long enough to find another job to pay for another place to live. I JUST recently got another job. We are both on the lease. 

You need to talk to a renters' rights advocate where you are to figure out the way forward. It depends entirely on where you live, as the laws differ by jurisdiction. Where I live, in this situation he would absolutely be on the hook for the rent, as his name is on the lease. It wouldn't just fall to you. If the lease was broken, he would also be on the hook for paying the additional fees to break the lease. Same with the unpaid bills.

Find out who you need to call and call them immediately. They usually provide free advice.

[stillafool]

Also your child's biological father should be paying child support.  That is money owed your child so please file for it. You won't have to see him they will collect the money and send it to you.  Why were you only working part time instead of full time?  Are you working full time now?  Don't count on him coming back and why would you want him back?

[Ash22]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Also your child's biological father should be paying child support.  That is money owed your child so please file for it. You won't have to see him they will collect the money and send it to you.  Why were you only working part time instead of full time?  Are you working full time now?  Don't count on him coming back and why would you want him back?

Yes, I receive CS from my son’s father. Thats been in place for 10 years now. 
 

I was working part time only due to taking care of the kids. He has three children, so doctors appointments, shopping, sports, school, etc; He often told me that I wouldn’t be able to handle a full time job. Every time I went to apply for a full time job, he would say and I quote “I’m afraid you’ll find someone else at your new job.” I took that as just a small insecurity and gave him reassurance. Maybe I was wrong. He never really had any control of what I did, over what and it’s confusing because there were times where he was fully supportive and then fully not supportive. 
 

I do have a full time job in stone right now. Training needs to be finished and then I will be moving on to get my schedule. I would say about another week or so and it’ll be moving forward, which is absolutely great. Why would I want him back? I guess that’s a good question… sometimes I can’t answer that, sometimes I think I can. Sometimes our good times were really amazing and outweighed the negative. Sometimes they didn’t. I guess I’ve never felt love like this before, yet I haven’t felt heartbreak this before, either. The name calling, throwing things at me, etc; That’s the tough part for me. I know it’s toxic. I know it’s abusive. But I love him? I get it. I really do. I’ve seen women say that all the time when it’s clear from an outsiders perspective that they shouldn’t be there, but now that I’m in it, it’s almost like I can’t even think of anything else. 
 

im very much alone in a state with my child and I. No friends or family, so it’s very scary. It’s hard to figure out if I should stay or leave. I can stay and thrive, I can leave and feel like I’ve gone a billion steps back in progression of my life. 

[stillafool]

You need to move back to where your family is.  Children are resilient and your son will meet and make new friends in no time.  Name calling and throwing things at you will not stop but will escalate into physical violence against you sooner or later.  Did he take his 3 kids with him when he moved out of tow?

[NuevoYorko]

12 hours ago, Ash22 said:

. I guess my issue that is always running through my mind is the what ifs. What if I leave and he comes back, what if I stay and he doesn’t. It’s a constant battle in my mind. 

Seriously?  You would get back together with this man who just walked out on you and your child?  Even if you don't care enough for yourself to never look at this man as a relationship prospect (or have anything whatsoever to do with him) again, please don't drag your son through this unstable drama any further.   Since he's verbally abusive, it's for the best that it's come to an end anyway.

How long had you actually lived together, or in the same place at the same time, before all of this happened?  What do you mean, you're "a lot to handle"?  It sounds like you and this man have had a relationship full of highly toxic drama that you both played roles in, is this the case?   

Please for the sake of your son don't engage in this kind of thing with this guy or any others.  If you really like that kind of dynamic wait until your son is grown up - though I hope you will take care of yourself and work on moving to a mental / emotional place where you would not seek it out any more.

  

[Ash22]

Just now, NuevoYorko said:

Seriously?  You would get back together with this man who just walked out on you and your child?  Even if you don't care enough for yourself to never look at this man as a relationship prospect (or have anything whatsoever to do with him) again, please don't drag your son through this unstable drama any further.   Since he's verbally abusive, it's for the best that it's come to an end anyway.

How long had you actually lived together, or in the same place at the same time, before all of this happened?  What do you mean, you're "a lot to handle"?  It sounds like you and this man have had a relationship full of highly toxic drama that you both played roles in, is this the case?   

Please for the sake of your son don't engage in this kind of thing with this guy or any others.  If you really like that kind of dynamic wait until your son is grown up - though I hope you will take care of yourself and work on moving to a mental / emotional place where you would not seek it out any more.

  

I know, I know. I don’t take any offense to anyone who tries to show me more than what I already know or refuse to see. I, in my heart, know this is for the better, but I’m guessing there’s always those what’s ifs and “he can change.” They never really do and I truly know that. My mind battles with it. We have lived in the same house for 4 years. 
 

When I say I’m a lot to handle, I’m guessing it’s because what I’m told. And there’s also situations where I know my insecurities do get the best of me and sometimes I treat people as though those negative, insecure thoughts are real. I’ve done a lot in therapy to help with my own issues and I’m making progress. It’s the depression that comes with this entire situation that makes me throw it out the window and that frustrates me. I can’t say that I can blame everything on him in regards to our arguments, because that doesn’t allow me to take full responsibility for the things I have done (ie; pushing to fix things, I have to talk now to figure it out, please tell me what this means, I’m codependent and have abandonment issues - please don’t leave me. Those type of things) There were a lot of situations where one of his children would purposely triangulate a situation to get their dad and I to argue. That lasted months until their counselor pointed it out and he finally opened his eyes. Yet I endured a lot of arguing because of the made up stories and being the bad stepmom. He did change that but there were a good amount of times where he would fall back on it and I constantly felt like I have to prove my innocence, which did lead to some resentment. Sometimes I sit back and wonder was it all just me or was it the times where he continually insulted me when we argued (he said he doesn’t feel loved or attractive when I would give him allllll the reassurance) where I would get poked and poked to where I’d respond in a negative way? 
 

And I can say that I have poked in order to fix the relationship. But I sure as heck haven’t demeaned or insulted him in anyway (besides one time when he left me). I obviously don’t like this kind of dynamic and my child has only been in one man’s life, this one. So I surely will never put him through that again. 

[Ash22]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

You need to move back to where your family is.  Children are resilient and your son will meet and make new friends in no time.  Name calling and throwing things at you will not stop but will escalate into physical violence against you sooner or later.  Did he take his 3 kids with him when he moved out of tow?

He did, yes. He has blamed me that everyone has been displaced and a family has been destroyed, yet his actions are the sole reason as to why they are the way that they are. If I went into full detail, he’d probably be in jail. But I try to keep that to a minimum just in case anything is found online and I’ll face the full wrath of seeking advice/help from an outsiders perspective. 

[NuevoYorko]

Did his kids live with you too?

[Ash22]

Just now, NuevoYorko said:

Did his kids live with you too?

Yes. 

[NuevoYorko]

So when he "up and moved" or stays in a hotel - is he dragging his kids (how many?) around with him hither and tither?  
 

I'm sorry but he sounds awful.

[Els]

2 hours ago, Ash22 said:

I was working part time only due to taking care of the kids. He has three children, so doctors appointments, shopping, sports, school, etc; He often told me that I wouldn’t be able to handle a full time job. Every time I went to apply for a full time job, he would say and I quote “I’m afraid you’ll find someone else at your new job.”

Wow, what a controlling dipshit. This all sounds planned, honestly - setting you up for financial dependence on him, and then leaving you in the lurch financially when you finally stood up for yourself.

Please don't get back with him, even if he comes back. Talk to a renters' association and find out what your rights are, and then exercise them to the maximum extent of the law.

[Ash22]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

So when he "up and moved" or stays in a hotel - is he dragging his kids (how many?) around with him hither and tither?  
 

I'm sorry but he sounds awful.

Yes to all of that. There are actually 2 kids, not 3. Not sure why it put 3. I may have been writing so quickly that I didn’t see the typo. He did this to me in Feb and fortunately enough I had the money to pay the rent and not get evicted. He came back 3 weeks later. We were doing great. I got extremely sick during the last 2 weeks before he left. That’s when his insecurity rose and I didn’t “love him” or “like him.” I cried plenty of times in his arms telling him I felt like I was dying. He knew exactly how I was feeling, even got a GI bleed from the medicine I was taking, but apparently I was being “distant.” Even though I was very, very sick. Then it all went downhill from there and now here we are. 

[Acacia98]

55 minutes ago, Ash22 said:

Yes to all of that. There are actually 2 kids, not 3. Not sure why it put 3. I may have been writing so quickly that I didn’t see the typo. He did this to me in Feb and fortunately enough I had the money to pay the rent and not get evicted. He came back 3 weeks later. We were doing great. I got extremely sick during the last 2 weeks before he left. That’s when his insecurity rose and I didn’t “love him” or “like him.” I cried plenty of times in his arms telling him I felt like I was dying. He knew exactly how I was feeling, even got a GI bleed from the medicine I was taking, but apparently I was being “distant.” Even though I was very, very sick. Then it all went downhill from there and now here we are. 

The man is a POS, and his behavior is standard for a particular type of person:

• Putting you in a situation where you're dependent on him then abandoning you: pretty standard
• Blaming you for everything: standard too
• Abandoning you when you're sick or experiencing bereavement: also standard

I could go on and on...

His behavior fits a pattern. There are hundreds of thousands like him out there. So if you ever think of blaming yourself for any of his behavior, stop.

Ultimately, whether you decide to leave or stay, there's something you need to do: block him.

[Orkidea2024]

On 5/13/2024 at 3:05 AM, basil67 said:

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.  However given how toxic and abusive this relationships was, you should not return to him even if he apologises on his bended knees.  Take this as a learning experience in what not to accept as a partner.   And instead of accepting that you can be a lot to handle, start working on making changes so that you can learn to be easy to live with in a relationship the next time you start one.  After all, you are your son's greatest role model and you don't want him to see and copy toxic behaviour from either you or a partner.   

Regarding the rent, if you haven't already done so, you may be able to talk with the real estate agent about how to manage this situation. Would you be able to pay half of what is owed and then they cancel the lease and chase him for his share in the small claims court?  Can you get a cheaper apartment near your son's school?  

Are you working?  Is your son's father in his life?

 

She admitted that she was aggressive, argumentive & combative too.  Both have a role to play in the demise of this relationship. They are a toxic combination together.

 

It's likely both people contributed to this mess. Takes two to tango 

[basil67]

10 minutes ago, Orkidea2024 said:

 

She admitted that she was aggressive, argumentive & combative too.  Both have a role to play in the demise of this relationship. They are a toxic combination together.

 

It's likely both people contributed to this mess. Takes two to tango 

I didn't ask for your opinion on my comment

[Orkidea2024]

27 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I didn't ask for your opinion on my comment

It's an open forum for discussion. Why would permission be sought from you, before responding? Somewhat of a narcissistic attitude to have. 

[Orkidea2024]

On 5/13/2024 at 7:04 PM, Acacia98 said:

The man is a POS, and his behavior is standard for a particular type of person:

• Putting you in a situation where you're dependent on him then abandoning you: pretty standard
• Blaming you for everything: standard too
• Abandoning you when you're sick or experiencing bereavement: also standard

I could go on and on...

His behavior fits a pattern. There are hundreds of thousands like him out there. So if you ever think of blaming yourself for any of his behavior, stop.

Ultimately, whether you decide to leave or stay, there's something you need to do: block him.

 

The poster she admitted herself, that she is also combative & argumentive, she claims to also be a handful. Why conveniently brush over that part?

 

Agreed nobody should stay in a toxic relationship.. However accountability should be applied on both ends, these two people are a toxic combination together. They both should learn from this relationship, and handle things differently, without aggression and arguments.

 

Both have a part to play in this mess.

[Orkidea2024]

Just now, Orkidea2024 said:

 

The poster she admitted herself, that she is also combative & argumentive, she claims to also be a handful. Why conveniently brush over that part?

 

Agreed nobody should stay in a toxic relationship.. However accountability should be applied on both ends, these two people are a toxic combination together. They both should learn from this relationship, and handle things differently, without aggression and arguments.

 

Both have a part to play in this mess, without accountability, both of these people are likely to continue down a toxic cycle and repeat this exact thing in the next relationship.

 

[Ash22]

5 hours ago, Orkidea2024 said:

 

The poster she admitted herself, that she is also combative & argumentive, she claims to also be a handful. Why conveniently brush over that part?

 

Agreed nobody should stay in a toxic relationship.. However accountability should be applied on both ends, these two people are a toxic combination together. They both should learn from this relationship, and handle things differently, without aggression and arguments.

 

Both have a part to play in this mess.

I do understand that people need to take accountability for their actions. However, when I became combative and aggressive was mainly during the breakup and the aftermath of it, or when I was called insanely horrible names. Yes, I could be a handful at times when life’s stressors got in the middle of our relationship. It goes so, so, so much deeper than what I’ve explained. I am not claiming to be perfect or have no faults, but what I do know is that my reactions were, majority of the time, (again not downplaying my behavior or actions or excusing them) in response to his poking, verbal assaults and his demeanor during arguments. 
 

I wouldn’t express how I felt because it would turn into an argument. If I told him I just wanted more love and non sexual intimacy, it would turn into a fight. If I told him that I just missed him and wanted to spend more time with him, his response would typically be “we are around each other everyday.” When the roles were reversed and I was doing everything to make him feel exactly what I requested of him and also took into account of the things he wanted from me, he would still tell me “I feel like you don’t love me” “I feel like you don’t like me” “I feel like you don’t want to be with me” and there were times where I would get offended and say “I don’t understand because I’ve been giving this to you. What can I do to fix it??” 
 

our arguments were usually based around life stressors in the home where I felt like he never had my back in regards to his child telling me to “KMS” or, that I was a b*tch, or the constant triangulation between the three of us because that child always knew dad would have their back and step mom would have to defend herself on a level she never has before. All the while getting emotional because I was the bad guy for so many years when I genuinely did none of what was accused of me. 
 

The arguments would turn into how much of a horrible person I was, how negative I was, how much of a horrible mother I was, chipping away at my self esteem and self worth. Throwing things at me whether it was food, water, hot coffee or random objects. So when those names were thrown at me making me feel so low, yes, I responded. Yes, I screamed and yelled in response and I felt horrible afterwards. I turned into someone I didn’t recognize.
 

he literally sent me a song about a week ago. I’ve been in no contact for about a month now. Then this morning he said “I hope you’re doing ok.” Followed by a picture of some mountains and fields in an area he just moved to after leaving me. I still haven’t responded. Couldn’t tell you why. Sometimes I don’t even care. Don’t even know what the goal is by doing that. All I do know, is that I tried my hardest to ask for advice by concealing some things in this post in fear of somehow him finding it, and then I would have had a barrage of insults coming my way.
 

He projects. He projects everything onto me. It’s always my fault. He has never taken any accountability for his behavior except for maybe a very small number of times. Since I posted this and before I went NC, he harassed me, blamed me, made me feel as worthless as ever and psychologically made me feel insane. 

[Els]

8 hours ago, Orkidea2024 said:

 

The poster she admitted herself, that she is also combative & argumentive, she claims to also be a handful. Why conveniently brush over that part?

 

Agreed nobody should stay in a toxic relationship.. However accountability should be applied on both ends, these two people are a toxic combination together. They both should learn from this relationship, and handle things differently, without aggression and arguments.

 

Both have a part to play in this mess.

Who freaking cares? The immediate situation is that this is a toxic mess and he was financially manipulative towards her, ensuring her financial dependence on him. It's not her that is using him to take care of her kids at the expense of his career, and actively discouraging him to get a job... this controlling behaviour only goes one way. The OP has plenty of time once she is OUT of this abusive relationships to reflect on herself and what changes she needs to make in her life. The crucial step that she needs to take now is to find a way to get out of this and survive.

@Ash22, seriously, just ignore this person, they have a chip on their shoulder and they are taking it out on you. Have you talked to a renters' advocate yet? Do you have any advice that you can act on?

[Ash22]

9 minutes ago, Els said:

@Ash22, seriously, just ignore this person, they have a chip on their shoulder and they are taking it out on you. Have you talked to a renters' advocate yet? Do you have any advice that you can act on?

I did talk to several places where I was blessed with rental help and electric help as well. I have decided that it is best for me mentally and emotionally for not just myself, but for my own child as well, that we move back closer to family. I have a better opportunity in terms of employment than I do here. Plus, family. Family is all that matters to me right now and although this is REALLY going to hurt walking away from all of this, it’s the best thing for us at this time. 

[Orkidea2024]

53 minutes ago, Els said:

Who freaking cares? The immediate situation is that this is a toxic mess and he was financially manipulative towards her, ensuring her financial dependence on him. It's not her that is using him to take care of her kids at the expense of his career, and actively discouraging him to get a job... this controlling behaviour only goes one way. The OP has plenty of time once she is OUT of this abusive relationships to reflect on herself and what changes she needs to make in her life. The crucial step that she needs to take now is to find a way to get out of this and survive.

@Ash22, seriously, just ignore this person, they have a chip on their shoulder and they are taking it out on you. Have you talked to a renters' advocate yet? Do you have any advice that you can act on?

Who cares? You should damn care! Obviously the word "accountability" means nothing to you.

 

When you have two people in a relationship who both have issues, both people are difficult, both people communicate in a unhealthy way, then what do you expect from that situation? A fairytale Disney Ending?

 

The OP admits that she has flaws too. In-fact it's often that both parties contribute to the breakdown of a relationship. Also I have not heard his side of the story, have you? 

 

Both these people are incompatible.. They are both unhealthy. I'm not calling the OP a liar, but I don't know HIS side of events that lead to the demise of the relationship.

 

Who cares you say? Well you should care.. Do you believe everything you are told, without hearing how the other person felt or experienced? IS ONLY ONE SIDE IN THE RIGHT? 

 

Do people lie? Do people manipulate? Of course they do. I am not suggesting the OP is lying. I'm simply saying both seems at fault.