Adult Daughter's Therapist Called Me

[Oldenuff2know]

My 34-yr-old bipolar type 2 daughter has had the same therapist for over two years (a record for her). In the beginning, she liked him. More recently, he's pushed her to reconcile with her father and also to quit her current job. Her job can be stressful, but so can most jobs. I've encouraged her to hang in there and learn to advocate for herself instead of cutting and running from one job to another that could be just as stressful, if not more. As for her father, he and I have been divorced over 10 years. He's remarried and has been with his new gf/now wife since before our separation. Long story short, his now wife has always been insecure and feels threatened by me and (unfortunately) by our three grown daughters. There's a big long story there, just suffice it to say he is now estranged from our daughters because of this (and I blame him, not his wife). 

Anyways, my daughter's therapist kept pressing her to quit this job and also mend fences with her dad. Of my three daughters, she's always been the one bothered most by the estrangement, but she also doesn't want to deal with the toxicity, understandably. This last time she had a therapy appointment, she called me sobbing because he was pressing her so much about those two issues that she hung up on him. She wants to stop therapy with him. This sends a shock wave through my soul because we've been on this rollercoaster cycle of hospitalization, medication, therapy, dropping both and downward spiraling, leading to hospitalization again, rinse and repeat. I want her to keep taking her medication and to keep seeing a therapist.

I encouraged her to simply tell him they are no longer a good fit for therapy and she would like him to refer her to another therapist (or I'll help her find a new therapist). She called the practice he belongs to twice and left messages about seeing another therapist in their practice. They never called her back. This morning, her therapist called me. He told me since I am her emergency contact, he called me because he is concerned that she is not returning his calls. I point blank told him she wanted a new therapist because she was calling me crying after every therapy session since he was saying things that sent her in a downward spiral and therapy is supposed to HELP her, not make her feel worse. I told him she avoids confrontations and not to expect a call from her. He asked me to tell her to give him a call to discuss the issue.

The more I think about him calling me, the more I am bothered by the fact, especially since he is still insisting that she call him even after I told him she wants a new therapist and doesn't want a confrontation with him.  Why is this whole situation not sitting well with me?

[NuevoYorko]

It's completely unethical and out of line for the therapist to call you and discuss her situation with you.   

I understand that it may not have been inappropriate for him to reach out when she disappeared, as you're on record as emergency contact, to find out if she is alright.  Not to discuss her case with you.  '

IMO both you and the therapist were out of line to have that conversation about her.

Somehow you need to figure out how to be there for your daughter and listen to her if she needs to vent etc, without having anything to do with her therapeutic  relationships.

Anyway, now he knows she is safe and that she's probably just disappearing from being his client.   

[mark clemson]

As NuevoYorko noted this call to you is possibly against the required confidentiality ethics of a therapist. There is a solid chance they could face investigation and possibly even lose their license over this if you complained to the licensing board in your state, although I suppose how they "spin" the purpose of the call might come into play.

Therapists are ultimately human - they can make mistakes (which can have major consequences sometimes) and bad judgement calls, and a small % are weirdos or have or develop agendas. If the practice won't assign her to someone else, she could choose to call a different one so she can stop seeing this therapist.

[MsJayne]

Unless the therapist believed that your daughter may be at risk, (very specific circumstances apply to what constitutes "risk"), he's acted against the Code Of Ethics, breaching confidentiality even if he didn't openly discuss her issues with you. There are also possible legal ramifications, as privacy laws are very relevant to the therapist-client relationship. But, if you're listed as her emergency person and she gave written permission for you to be contacted in certain circumstances he's covered. Also, a therapist doesn't normally push a client to do anything, part of therapy is encouraging and supporting the client to make choices and decisions for themselves. In a situation where the client suffers from a mood disorder it's particularly odd that the therapist would be taking control of the narrative and telling the client what to do. But before you take any sort of action toward the therapist perhaps consider the dynamics of the situation. It's quite likely that your daughter is going off to the therapist and expressing anger at her father, and that the therapist is merely encouraging her to confront that anger, and confront the person who caused it, in order to make progress, and your daughter is calling him pushy and using it as an excuse to stop seeing him because that's the only way she can continue to escape the emotional trauma that confrontation will bring. What she calls pushy may be the therapist using a technique called 'challenging', where you deliberately upset the client's apple cart by highlighting the discrepancies between their values and their behaviours, (that's a very a simplified explanation). This can be highly distressing for the client depending on their level of self-delusion, some will be grateful for the newfound insight, some will be outraged that the therapist sees through the crap. The outraged client will often leave the therapists care once they realise the therapist isn't buying the BS, and it becomes a cycle, new therapist, all good while the therapist is willing to listen to the backstory, goes pear-shaped when the client is required to take action. 

[Oldenuff2know]

Thank you for your responses. I talked to my daughter about the call. She is not going to call him back. 

As far as it possibly being inappropriate for me to discuss my daughter with the therapist - honestly, I wish MORE therapists of mentally ill adult children would involve their main caretaker (usually the mother or father) in their cases (with the MI adult child's full permission, of course). Quite often (especially in the past), my daughter's therapists have not had the full picture because she only told them what she wanted them to know, which was often counterproductive and delayed the benefit of therapy for her. I am very fortunate because she has always involved me in her therapy and given her therapists permission to talk to me about her.

Also, I really appreciate your description of "challenging", @MsJayne. I do think this is, in part, what he was doing. My daughter is so very non-confrontational that she just shuts down, which is what she has done, in this case (again). As soon as the therapeutic situation becomes challenging for her, she stops going. Point blank. I need to encourage her to stay in therapy and also stay involved with a psychiatrist so that she has access to prescribed medication and does not downward spiral because of stopping with this therapist. It's frustrating. I'm just over here trying to keep my daughter alive.

[BaileyB]

On 5/13/2024 at 9:40 AM, Oldenuff2know said:

I am bothered by the fact, especially since he is still insisting that she call him even after I told him she wants a new therapist and doesn't want a confrontation with him. 

This would bother me more than anything else. He is not respecting her boundaries - I would absolutely find a new therapist.