Is my married boss crossing lines? updated)

[NuevoYorko]

I think you really need to work on your boundaries.  Since you decided to "turn a blind eye" to his creepy advances towards you,  as you've chosen to keep working there,  I think it seems to be a no-brainer that whatever sexual activities he has with anybody else is also to be ignored by you.  

You seem pretty wrapped up in this guy's BS.

[doingtherightthing]

11 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

I think you really need to work on your boundaries.  Since you decided to "turn a blind eye" to his creepy advances towards you,  as you've chosen to keep working there,  I think it seems to be a no-brainer that whatever sexual activities he has with anybody else is also to be ignored by you.  

You seem pretty wrapped up in this guy's BS.

I am actively working on my boundaries and have made a lot of progress in life. I am trying my best to assess and respond to a situation in my life that’s not pleasant to me. Processing what is happening  and asking for advice is a step in a positive direction, wouldn’t you say? 
I’ve heard somewhere that some people go from not recognizing what’s in front of them( this was me years ago) to caring to much ( which is me now I guess). Give me some time to balance that. 
I'm dealing with this to my best ability once again and maybe a no-brainer to you takes a lot of brain power for me.

I appreciate your input though and you’re very much correct. 

[happyhorizons]

20 hours ago, doingtherightthing said:

I am actively working on my boundaries and have made a lot of progress in life. I am trying my best to assess and respond to a situation in my life that’s not pleasant to me. Processing what is happening  and asking for advice is a step in a positive direction, wouldn’t you say? 
I’ve heard somewhere that some people go from not recognizing what’s in front of them( this was me years ago) to caring to much ( which is me now I guess). Give me some time to balance that. 
I'm dealing with this to my best ability once again and maybe a no-brainer to you takes a lot of brain power for me.

I appreciate your input though and you’re very much correct. 

OP, you seem to have a great grasp on what you need to do moving forward. This BOSS is simply not worth your mental energy. Good Luck

[doingtherightthing]

4 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

OP, you seem to have a great grasp on what you need to do moving forward. This BOSS is simply not worth your mental energy. Good Luck

Thank you! You’re always uplifting and understanding. It’s very refreshing! 

[happyhorizons]

8 minutes ago, doingtherightthing said:

Thank you! You’re always uplifting and understanding. It’s very refreshing! 

You really are WAY better than any of this and it’s just not worth you spending your time and energy on a clown 🤡 like him. He doesn’t deserve your attention.

[doingtherightthing]

Hey guys, 

if you want more context, see previous posts. 
 

More context  below to what has happened recently that was a last straw for me. 
A few weeks back, when negotiating a promotion that was offered to me and before accepting it, I laid out few basic requirements and asked for it to be in writing. I was given a hard time( of course) by my boss. Questions like, why do I need it in writing and etc. 

One day, during one of our discussions about some of my requirements , he said to me, “if you don’t accept what we’re offering, here’s the door.” He’s also had mentioned that he doesn’t “need” me, that my ego is too big, that I’m not a god’s gift to the world. 

So, on top of his coming onto me, he’s allowed himself to speak disrespectfully blatantly in my face. I tried to talk to a mediator person at work to sort this out. The mediator persons responds was that he’s a “man.” but I’ve realized that I cannot stay one more second around this type of treatment towards me. 
So, I quit. 2 hours before my closing shift, to which he tells me, it’s a bit “unprofessional .” I answered, just matching the energy. 
 

I feel relieved and proud of myself. I’m sure, I’ll find a job soon and will be more thorough when choosing a new place. 
Just wanted to share and hopefully this gives a person a new sense of hope given he/she finds himself in a familiar place. 

Edited July 14 by doingtherightthing
Title edit

[happyhorizons]

1 hour ago, doingtherightthing said:

Hey guys, 

if you want more context, see previous posts. 
 

More context  below to what has happened recently that was a last straw for me. 
A few weeks back, when negotiating a promotion that was offered to me and before accepting it, I laid out few basic requirements and asked for it to be in writing. I was given a hard time( of course) by my boss. Questions like, why do I need it in writing and etc. 

One day, during one of our discussions about some of my requirements , he said to me, “if you don’t accept what we’re offering, here’s the door.” He’s also had mentioned that he doesn’t “need” me, that my ego is too big, that I’m not a god’s gift to the world. 

So, on top of his coming onto me, he’s allowed himself to speak disrespectfully blatantly in my face. I tried to talk to a mediator person at work to sort this out. The mediator persons responds was that he’s a “man.” but I’ve realized that I cannot stay one more second around this type of treatment towards me. 
So, I quit. 2 hours before my closing shift, to which he tells me, it’s a bit “unprofessional .” I answered, just matching the energy. 
 

I feel relieved and proud of myself. I’m sure, I’ll find a job soon and will be more thorough when choosing a new place. 
Just wanted to share and hopefully this gives a person a new sense of hope given he/she finds himself in a familiar place. 

Good For You and yes, you will something even better. The guy really is a 🤡 clown. I’m glad you do not have to deal with his nonsense.

[doingtherightthing]

On 7/14/2024 at 5:09 PM, happyhorizons said:

Good For You and yes, you will something even better. The guy really is a 🤡 clown. I’m glad you do not have to deal with his nonsense.

Actually have 2 interviews lined up already for tomorrow. 
Not proud of myself but made a mistake this morning, and tried to get my job back as I panicked and felt self-doubt. Was met with a lecture that I have to control my emotions because the boss is the owner and that my trust is diminished within the team. Very interesting to see how I’m supposed to rise above bullying and just accept it. Glad I quit. 

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, doingtherightthing said:

Very interesting to see how I’m supposed to rise above bullying and just accept it. Glad I quit. 

Why try to go back after that and humiliate yourself?  I agree with them that you need to learn to control your emotions and not get involved with things that really don't concern you. That will help you on your next job. Good luck on your interviews tomorrow.

[doingtherightthing]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why try to go back after that and humiliate yourself?  I agree with them that you need to learn to control your emotions and not get involved with things that really don't concern you. That will help you on your next job. Good luck on your interviews tomorrow.

I must say that your comments even though seem to be helpful , you tend to give backhanded compliments a lot. Here’s the thing, what exactly  am I not supposed to get involved in? The fact that my boss came onto me and the fact that when offered a promotion , in the same breath, I was told I wasn’t needed and here’s the door when I asked it to be in writing? Please explain. My emotions are in the right place because I will not tolerate bullying from my boss. My reaction was very much valid and I’m here to share my internal processes. You don’t seem to be supportive at all. Perhaps, our workplace values don’t align and that’s fine. 

[happyhorizons]

16 minutes ago, doingtherightthing said:

Actually have 2 interviews lined up already for tomorrow. 
Not proud of myself but made a mistake this morning, and tried to get my job back as I panicked and felt self-doubt. Was met with a lecture that I have to control my emotions because the boss is the owner and that my trust is diminished within the team. Very interesting to see how I’m supposed to rise above bullying and just accept it. Glad I quit. 

DTRT, you are human and WE ALL make mistakes so let it GO. You are going to get an even better job and be so glad you left when you did. That “boss” (and I use that term loosely) is really no ONE to lecture anyone. He’s a petty person and karma will catch up to him eventually. YOU ARE GOOD so don’t think otherwise 😀😀😀

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, doingtherightthing said:

Here’s the thing, what exactly  am I not supposed to get involved in?

Your boss being involved with his client.  That is not your business.

[doingtherightthing]

Just now, stillafool said:

Your boss being involved with his client.  That is not your business.

Yes, I agree. It’s not my business. At that time, when I brought it up to him, it wasn’t to assume that he had a “thing” with a client. It was to address the behavior of a client that jeopardized the company’s confidential information. The client went into our POS system.
On here, I shared my speculations that they might be having an affair and how it’s affecting me but I never said it was my business. 
 

[happyhorizons]

3 minutes ago, doingtherightthing said:

Yes, I agree. It’s not my business. At that time, when I brought it up to him, it wasn’t to assume that he had a “thing” with a client. It was to address the behavior of a client that jeopardized the company’s confidential information. The client went into our POS system.
On here, I shared my speculations that they might be having an affair and how it’s affecting me but I never said it was my business. 
 

DTRT, please don’t second guess yourself or look backwards. There’s a beautiful horizon ahead of you with lots of opportunities so focus on that. 

[Alpacalia]

I think you did the right thing. I had to leave a very high paying career that I was with for 8+ years because my boss made a pass at me that I refused and I felt completely disrespected and uncomfortable around him after that and so I just quit considering my mental health mattered more.

It’s not easy to leave a job especially if someone is financially dependent on it, but sometimes we have to prioritize our well-being and self-respect over a job. No job is worth staying in if it means sacrificing your dignity. 

[doingtherightthing]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

I think you did the right thing. I had to leave a very high paying career that I was with for 8+ years because my boss made a pass at me that I refused and I felt completely disrespected and uncomfortable around him after that and so I just quit considering my mental health mattered more.

It’s not easy to leave a job especially if someone is financially dependent on it, but sometimes we have to prioritize our well-being and self-respect over a job. No job is worth staying in if it means sacrificing your dignity. 

Thank you for sharing. Did you have to put up with that treatment for 8+ years or was it just a short-term? 
 

[happyhorizons]

It's crazy to think that in 2024 there are still superiors that TRY and make a subordinate feel uncomfortable with inappropriate gestures or overtures.  I really hope the OP can find her footing in a completely new environment with hopefully people who show here the dignity and respect that she so richly deserves. 

[Alpacalia]

12 hours ago, doingtherightthing said:

Thank you for sharing. Did you have to put up with that treatment for 8+ years or was it just a short-term? 
 

My boss had a flirty personality so he was like that with everyone. So, I never took it personally. No lines initially crossed but after about eight years, he wanted me to start traveling with him for business meetings and one day when we were in his office, he put his hand on mine and made a comment about my appearance. It made me uncomfortable but I didn't know how to react, so I just pulled my hand away and changed the subject.

From then on, he would make more frequent flirty comments and would touch my arm or shoulder when talking to me. It made me feel uneasy and I decided to resign from my job.

He was also married.

Edited July 16 by Alpacalia

[NuevoYorko]

Good thing you quit.  Now leave this behind you and watch YOURSELF for signs of getting inappropriately enmeshed in unprofessional situations in your future work environments.  

This goes all the way back to your first posts where you mentioned hugs between you and this now ex boss to "make up" for some kind of blowups you had.

Blow ups, and hugging reconciliation have no place at work.

You only worked there for a "few months" and whew.  You've been involved in  enough drama there for a job that lasted years.   

Next job, just put your head down and focus on the WORK that needs to get done.  

If you need drama and intrigue in your life, look for it outside of your workplace. 

Believe me, life will be a lot better.

Last month you posted that you were training at a new job.   Will you be carrying on with that?

 

[doingtherightthing]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

Good thing you quit.  Now leave this behind you and watch YOURSELF for signs of getting inappropriately enmeshed in unprofessional situations in your future work environments.  

This goes all the way back to your first posts where you mentioned hugs between you and this now ex boss to "make up" for some kind of blowups you had.

Blow ups, and hugging reconciliation have no place at work.

You only worked there for a "few months" and whew.  You've been involved in  enough drama there for a job that lasted years.   

Next job, just put your head down and focus on the WORK that needs to get done.  

If you need drama and intrigue in your life, look for it outside of your workplace. 

Believe me, life will be a lot better.

Last month you posted that you were training at a new job.   Will you be carrying on with that?

 

I wouldn’t be training at the same job as it wasn’t the best fit. I am applying to new places. 
This has made me reflect a lot on my own behavior and how people perceive me and/or perhaps what I allow. 
I’m not looking to blame anyone and can only take responsibility for my own actions and reactions. 
 

[doingtherightthing]

4 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

My boss had a flirty personality so he was like that with everyone. So, I never took it personally. No lines initially crossed but after about eight years, he wanted me to start traveling with him for business meetings and one day when we were in his office, he put his hand on mine and made a comment about my appearance. It made me uncomfortable but I didn't know how to react, so I just pulled my hand away and changed the subject.

From then on, he would make more frequent flirty comments and would touch my arm or shoulder when talking to me. It made me feel uneasy and I decided to resign from my job.

He was also married.

Wow, very similar to how it began for me as well. I guess, a lot of times it starts with some sort of hand holding.
I’m glad that’s behind you. 

[doingtherightthing]

15 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

It's crazy to think that in 2024 there are still superiors that TRY and make a subordinate feel uncomfortable with inappropriate gestures or overtures.  I really hope the OP can find her footing in a completely new environment with hopefully people who show here the dignity and respect that she so richly deserves. 

The thing is, last night, I began thinking that I “provoked” it? I know, I didn’t, or if I did, it definitely wasn’t my intention. I’m not trying to play a victim , however, I just want to gain clarity on how to make sure this doesn’t happen in the future. Is it me or is it just other people allowing themselves this behavior? 

[happyhorizons]

56 minutes ago, doingtherightthing said:

The thing is, last night, I began thinking that I “provoked” it? I know, I didn’t, or if I did, it definitely wasn’t my intention. I’m not trying to play a victim , however, I just want to gain clarity on how to make sure this doesn’t happen in the future. Is it me or is it just other people allowing themselves this behavior? 

Being friendly, kind and considerate is certainly should NEVER provoke HIM COMING ONTO YOU. So, just put that out of your mind. It seems (from your posts) that THE BOSS is a PLAYER (as evidenced by his interactions with HIS CLIENT) so it is on HIM and NOT YOU.  Please do not let this determine how you interact with your co-workers moving forward.  

[happyhorizons]

1 hour ago, doingtherightthing said:

I wouldn’t be training at the same job as it wasn’t the best fit. I am applying to new places. 
This has made me reflect a lot on my own behavior and how people perceive me and/or perhaps what I allow. 
I’m not looking to blame anyone and can only take responsibility for my own actions and reactions. 
 

You can certainly use the whole experience as a learning lesson but do NOT place the blame for HIS actions on yourself.  

[doingtherightthing]

28 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Being friendly, kind and considerate is certainly should NEVER provoke HIM COMING ONTO YOU. So, just put that out of your mind. It seems (from your posts) that THE BOSS is a PLAYER (as evidenced by his interactions with HIS CLIENT) so it is on HIM and NOT YOU.  Please do not let this determine how you interact with your co-workers moving forward.  

Agreed! I’m glad that’s behind me and I’m looking forward to my next adventure! An ethical one and a professional one!