Is my married boss crossing lines? updated)

[doingtherightthing]

15 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

I think you have more options than you might realize. One of poster suggested to put this situation behind you which I agree with but only you know what you feel is the best path forward for YOU.

I do have a lot of anger that I need to process. Perhaps, once I process that, I’ll put this behind me. I know that I’m at a disadvantage here really and to be honest, I’d rather put this energy into new work than anything else. 
At some point, when this whole thing started, I thought that the boss “fell” for me or  had a crush on me and just couldn’t process his emotions. 
I don’t know, a part of me , still  wants to believe that he mishandled his “feelings.”

Naive, right? 
 

[happyhorizons]

25 minutes ago, doingtherightthing said:

I do have a lot of anger that I need to process. Perhaps, once I process that, I’ll put this behind me. I know that I’m at a disadvantage here really and to be honest, I’d rather put this energy into new work than anything else. 
At some point, when this whole thing started, I thought that the boss “fell” for me or  had a crush on me and just couldn’t process his emotions. 
I don’t know, a part of me , still  wants to believe that he mishandled his “feelings.”

Naive, right? 
 

No, I think that is a natural thought.  At any point, did you feel yourself having FEELINGS for him that went past say friendship?

[doingtherightthing]

1 minute ago, happyhorizons said:

No, I think that is a natural thought.  At any point, did you feel yourself having FEELINGS for him that went past say friendship?

To be honest , I couldn’t answer that because I’m not the person to allow myself to feel inappropriate feelings. I know for a fact that when I thought his intent was genuine, I knew that I had to keep myself in check. He’s a married man. He was my boss. So given the context of the situation, I didn’t look at my feelings or lack of feelings as something “real.” 
There’s no way to distinguish that, correct? 
Im thinking, if I did/do have feelings then they would begin right away. When I began the job, I never saw him in that “light” so it makes me think whatever came after isn’t genuine. 

He had power over me, so there’s no equal footing for feelings to arise. 
I’ve  mentioned this before, that if for an example the boss was divorced , on his own merit, and not my boss anymore, I’d explore it. I would never want to be the cause or even put that idea into his head. This was my thought process at the beginning of his “interest” in me. Now, probably not. 

There were some positives to our relationship. I think the way that he went about it and how it played out plus the disproportion of power, was really a lost battle before it even started. 
Hoping that this makes sense to you and isn’t taking wrongly. 

[doingtherightthing]

17 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

No, I think that is a natural thought.  At any point, did you feel yourself having FEELINGS for him that went past say friendship?

I honestly thought that he should and would keep his “feelings” in check. It became apparent to me that he wasn’t able to or perhaps never intended to. Perhaps, he didn’t even realize how he’d come across. I just knew that if I stayed, the professionalism would be at stake because any discussion I had with him, he’d turn into personal one and his emotions drove him more than anything else. 
Once again, this is just a speculation of mine based on his behavior. I could be totally wrong. 

[happyhorizons]

It was just a curious thought/question.  Maybe, this is standard procedure for him.  Are most of his subordinates female or male?

[doingtherightthing]

6 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

It was just a curious thought/question.  Maybe, this is standard procedure for him.  Are most of his subordinates female or male?

In the beginning, it was more females. Then, he said, there was too much “estrogen” and he began hiring more males. 

[doingtherightthing]

11 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

It was just a curious thought/question.  Maybe, this is standard procedure for him.  Are most of his subordinates female or male?

What’s a standard procedure for him? To come onto his female subordinates? 

[happyhorizons]

15 minutes ago, doingtherightthing said:

What’s a standard procedure for him? To come onto his female subordinates? 

Yes and having POWER over females which is so warped.  I wonder if this is how he feeds his ego.  

[doingtherightthing]

1 minute ago, happyhorizons said:

Yes and having POWER over females which is so warped.  I wonder if this is how he feeds his ego.  

Most likely. I’m sure he didn’t expect me to confront him and etc and I’m sure it became even more “interesting” to him to “tame” me down. I’m pretty sure it is a game to him. 
He’s get shy and nervous around me a lot, however it can be social anxiety. 

[Alpacalia]

Just being completely honest, you do seem a bit like you WANT to be caught up in this at least to some extent. 

I mean, you said IF he wasn't married or your boss that you would explore it. Are you sure you weren't feeling a bit flattered by his attention? I can't help but think that maybe there could be something there on your end. But it's understandable, especially if you're in a vulnerable state and he's giving you this attention and making you feel special. 

But at the end of the day, it's not about the feelings or potential feelings. It's about the dynamics of the relationship and the power imbalance that makes it inappropriate and potentially harmful. So regardless of any potential feelings, it's important to set boundaries and maintain respect for yourself. 

I can understand why you might feel the need for closure or to discuss this with the president, but it's important to also take care of yourself and not put yourself in a vulnerable position. The best thing to do is to move on and focus on your own well-being. 

I hope everything works out for you and that you're able to find a positive resolution to this situation. 

[doingtherightthing]

7 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Just being completely honest, you do seem a bit like you WANT to be caught up in this at least to some extent. 

I mean, you said IF he wasn't married or your boss that you would explore it. Are you sure you weren't feeling a bit flattered by his attention? I can't help but think that maybe there could be something there on your end. But it's understandable, especially if you're in a vulnerable state and he's giving you this attention and making you feel special. 

But at the end of the day, it's not about the feelings or potential feelings. It's about the dynamics of the relationship and the power imbalance that makes it inappropriate and potentially harmful. So regardless of any potential feelings, it's important to set boundaries and maintain respect for yourself. 

I can understand why you might feel the need for closure or to discuss this with the president, but it's important to also take care of yourself and not put yourself in a vulnerable position. The best thing to do is to move on and focus on your own well-being. 

I hope everything works out for you and that you're able to find a positive resolution to this situation. 

Completely agree. I wouldn’t be able to pinpoint any real or conceived feelings on my part or his part because of the power imbalance dynamic. 
 

I’m moving forward and putting this behind me. To be honest, I am tired and just want to forget about all of this. 

[MsJayne]

It doesn't matter that your comments weren't received well by the company president, you got it off your chest and fulfilled your work obligations, and that's all that counts as far as closure goes. Let other people be enablers, be proud that you're not one of them .  

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, doingtherightthing said:

What’s a standard procedure for him? To come onto his female subordinates? 

 The client he's fooling around with is not a subordinate.  Seems like he just likes female attention.

[doingtherightthing]

13 minutes ago, stillafool said:

 The client he's fooling around with is not a subordinate.  Seems like he just likes female attention.

Very much so. I hope it strokes his ego to the max.
Poor guy. I’m being sarcastic , of course. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, doingtherightthing said:

I’m moving forward and putting this behind me. To be honest, I am tired and just want to forget about all of this. 

I hope you can.

In addition to my former boss, I had a class a couple of years ago and the professor always commented on my work. He offered me a position as a TA which I was absolutely thrilled with possibility of being a TA professionally.

But one day, he wanted to meet one on one to discuss "personal things" and learn more about my personal life and my gut instinct told me it was not appropriate and I never went. I turned down the TA position. He was married also.

I never gave it a second thought, but I did want to make sure I was reading the situation correctly. I could have very well gotten him fired and maybe I should have but my position is that I don't want to be further ensnared in it. Now, if he sexually assaulted me or harmed me in some way, that would be different. However, as it stands, it seems like his behavior was inappropriate, but not criminal.

If he had assaulted or coerced someone, it may be my moral obligation to report him. But for now, I am just going to take my power back and move on.
 

[doingtherightthing]

4 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I hope you can.

In addition to my former boss, I had a class a couple of years ago and the professor always commented on my work. He offered me a position as a TA which I was absolutely thrilled with possibility of being a TA professionally.

But one day, he wanted to meet one on one to discuss "personal things" and learn more about my personal life and my gut instinct told me it was not appropriate and I never went. I turned down the TA position. He was married also.

I never gave it a second thought, but I did want to make sure I was reading the situation correctly. I could have very well gotten him fired and maybe I should have but my position is that I don't want to be further ensnared in it. Now, if he sexually assaulted me or harmed me in some way, that would be different. However, as it stands, it seems like his behavior was inappropriate, but not criminal.

If he had assaulted or coerced someone, it may be my moral obligation to report him. But for now, I am just going to take my power back and move on.
 

I totally understand. I’m sorry you had to deal with it and I’m glad you caught onto it and did what was best for you. 

Crazy coincidence is I had a professor that was kind of “weird” with me and asked me to  come before class to make sure that I perform well in class. I took my friend with me as I knew it was best not to spend one on one with him. 

[Alpacalia]

26 minutes ago, doingtherightthing said:

I totally understand. I’m sorry you had to deal with it and I’m glad you caught onto it and did what was best for you. 

Crazy coincidence is I had a professor that was kind of “weird” with me and asked me to  come before class to make sure that I perform well in class. I took my friend with me as I knew it was best not to spend one on one with him. 

Thanks.

I think you have some anger towards this past boss. I'm just wondering if it's because he crossed a line (which would be a natural reaction, of course....), or because there are some misplaced feelings on your end. I say that because some of your comments sounds like you have an axe to grind and want to "bring him down" somehow.

In either case, I'm sorry this happened to you.

[doingtherightthing]

4 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Thanks.

I think you have some anger towards this past boss. I'm just wondering if it's because he crossed a line (which would be a natural reaction, of course....), or because there are some misplaced feelings on your end. I say that because some of your comments sounds like you have an axe to grind and want to "bring him down" somehow.

In either case, I'm sorry this happened to you.

I can see how that would come off as me trying to bring him down. However, no. 

Karma will take care of it. 

[NuevoYorko]

11 hours ago, doingtherightthing said:

Correct, that’s why I had mentioned to not comment if opposing about my decision. 

So why would you post on this forum for advice, if you will only accept input from people who agree with you?  You seem to have one person here who is not going to challenge you in any way.  Why not just private message that person?   

I'm not even gong to express my feelings about you going to the president of the company to unload about your boss - not to make a formal complaint.   I do wonder whether you're willing to share WHY you felt compelled to do that and what you were hoping to get from it.  

[mark clemson]

JMO - you should have saved this for a therapist, which the president of your former company is definitively not. Companies and views vary, but senior management will sometimes overlook quite a lot for a high performer, which it sounds like perhaps this former boss of yours is/was. I mean look at fricking Matt Lauer.

Unfortunately your boss tried to take advantage of this tendency and figured he could make physical passes at you and see if you responded. You didn't, AND the boss backed off IIRC, and yet you still continued to be "concerned" over it and left. That's fine, you shouldn't have to work in an environment where you feel uncomfortable. However the chances of the company president "doing something about him" for someone who's now left approach zero.

IF you thought something might get done about it, you probably would have gone to the president before leaving. But I suspect at some level you felt nothing would be done so left instead. Again that's fine, but going and telling the president after quitting is putting the cart before the horse.

I would note in passing that this thread is about workplace harassment NOT being an OW, as you never were one to begin with. It seems that whether your boss was married or not would have little to do with the harassment aspect - yet you even mention it in the title of the thread.

I understand if you feel aggrieved about being put in this situation (who likes to feel uncomfortable at their job), but it's weird that you posted it under OW and mention that he's married. Almost as if you're fishing for online attention via "moral outrage" from the strongly anti-cheating folks who (are among those who) frequent this site.

Edited July 22 by mark clemson

[stillafool]

15 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

but it's weird that you posted it under OW and mention that he's married.

Mark is right.  This thread should have been in the Business and Professional Relationship forum.  I never noticed that before.

[doingtherightthing]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

JMO - you should have saved this for a therapist, which the president of your former company is definitively not. Companies and views vary, but senior management will sometimes overlook quite a lot for a high performer, which it sounds like perhaps this former boss of yours is/was. I mean look at fricking Matt Lauer.

Unfortunately your boss tried to take advantage of this tendency and figured he could make physical passes at you and see if you responded. You didn't, AND the boss backed off IIRC, and yet you still continued to be "concerned" over it and left. That's fine, you shouldn't have to work in an environment where you feel uncomfortable. However the chances of the company president "doing something about him" for someone who's now left approach zero.

IF you thought something might get done about it, you probably would have gone to the president before leaving. But I suspect at some level you felt nothing would be done so left instead. Again that's fine, but going and telling the president after quitting is putting the cart before the horse.

I would note in passing that this thread is about workplace harassment NOT being an OW, as you never were one to begin with. It seems that whether your boss was married or not would have little to do with the harassment aspect - yet you even mention it in the title of the thread.

I understand if you feel aggrieved about being put in this situation (who likes to feel uncomfortable at their job), but it's weird that you posted it under OW and mention that he's married. Almost as if you're fishing for online attention via "moral outrage" from the strongly anti-cheating folks who (are among those who) frequent this site.

Totally agree. Thank you for your input. I learned a lot from this situation and now will know how to best approach such issue.  

[stillafool]

I'm glad you've moved on and gotten away from this situation at your previous job.  I read back through this thread and see that your ex boss has a newborn.  So he probably has been without sex for some time now and is so horny he's being inappropriate with you as well as his client and who knows who else. I've seen other men in his situation act like that and it is uncomfortable for women who have to work close to him.  Even though he did say he as "committed" to his wife, I'm sure she'd be terribly hurt if she knew he were acting this way behind her back while she's trying to nurse their baby and heal.

[introverted1]

On 7/20/2024 at 2:22 PM, doingtherightthing said:

that’s why I had mentioned to not comment if opposing about my decision.

That's not how message boards work.  If you want an echo chamber when all your opinions and actions are validated, then don't post on an anonymous advice forum.  People here give you the best advice they have and sometimes that advice may sting, particularly when your own missteps are pointed out.  This isn't done to make you feel bad but to help you better navigate similar situations in the future. Often, the best is advice is the advice that is hardest to hear. 

[doingtherightthing]

31 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

That's not how message boards work.  If you want an echo chamber when all your opinions and actions are validated, then don't post on an anonymous advice forum.  People here give you the best advice they have and sometimes that advice may sting, particularly when your own missteps are pointed out.  This isn't done to make you feel bad but to help you better navigate similar situations in the future. Often, the best is advice is the advice that is hardest to hear. 

I understand and I have been given a friendly reminder by the moderators. I’ve extended my apology before and if I can , I’d remove the comment but do not know how.