Is my married boss crossing lines? updated)

[doingtherightthing]

Hello guys, 

I am a single woman (30s) who began working in a new place a few months ago. My boss is a married man (30s)seemed to be happily married or so I thought and has a newborn. I never  paid attention to my married boss in any romantic sense. 

The lines I began noticing that my boss was crossing were lingering touches and very intense eye contact, also some inappropriate sexual innuendo about his” touch” or how his touch feels. I began having a gut feeling that this man might be coming onto me or just passing his time at work and playing with my mind or to see my reaction. I couldn’t put my finger on it and didn’t want to assume. 

I began feeling uncomfortable so I decided to confront him. I asked if he’s “trying to hint at something to me during some of our exchanges” to which he said that he is committed. However, he did admit that he’s flirty and that’s just his personality. 
 

I was somewhat at ease and saw our interactions as platonic even though it was definitely unconventional but I like my work place and I do enjoy somewhat “closer” relationships with people at work. This is something I also want to work on as I don’t have many close friendships in life. 
 

After my confrontation, it seemed that my boss did everything in his power to make me feel that he’s not “attracted” to me. He would tease me in a mean way. Also, he would almost go out of his way to point out irrelevant things that I may not be doing or doing at work. I’m a hard and a dedicated worker. I know that even though due to his confusing and borderline inappropriate behavior towards me , I still remained dedicated to my job. So, his comments about me “not doing” my job began to irritate me. He also, is very hot and cold when it comes to how he feels about my job performance. 
 

I am beginning to think that his behavior now is somewhat a retaliation or that he’s trying to make me thing that he never was  and will try to come onto me to lower my guard down. I found myself wanting to “ prove” myself to him ie I’d apologized to him after our heated moments. I also had initiated more of a closer physical contact (hugs) as he did with me in the past , in hopes that he’d just stop with his unfair treatment with me. 

Recently, I’ve had enough with this up and down rollercoaster and I’m not even sure what he “wants” from me? It’s starting to feel like he wants me to act a certain way. Perhaps, when I come into work and don’t pay much attention to him (only means I’m being professional) , he tries to act that it doesn’t bother him but then I get scolded and chastised in front of other coworkers. 
 

Am I overreacting and what do I need to know from other people's experiences and perspectives to be well prepared to whats to come? 
 

P.S. I have no interest in pursing anything other than professional , platonic relations with this man. He can be at times very charming and he is not bad looking , and also close to my age so there are many similarities between us so my predisposition to him is amicable. 

Edited July 22 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merged threads

[doingtherightthing]

Hello guys, 

I am a single woman (30s) who began working in a new place a few months ago. My boss is a married man (30s)seemed to be happily married or so I thought and has a newborn. I never  paid attention to my married boss in any romantic sense. 

The lines I began noticing that my boss was crossing were lingering touches and very intense eye contact, also some inappropriate sexual innuendo about his” touch” or how his touch feels. I began having a gut feeling that this man might be coming onto me or just passing his time at work and playing with my mind or to see my reaction. I couldn’t put my finger on it and didn’t want to assume. 

I began feeling uncomfortable so I decided to confront him. I asked if he’s “trying to hint at something to me during some of our exchanges” to which he said that he is committed. However, he did admit that he’s flirty and that’s just his personality. 
 

I was somewhat at ease and saw our interactions as platonic even though it was definitely unconventional but I like my work place and I do enjoy somewhat “closer” relationships with people at work. This is something I also want to work on as I don’t have many close friendships in life. 
 

After my confrontation, it seemed that my boss did everything in his power to make me feel that he’s not “attracted” to me. He would tease me in a mean way. Also, he would almost go out of his way to point out irrelevant things that I may not be doing or doing at work. I’m a hard and a dedicated worker. I know that even though due to his confusing and borderline inappropriate behavior towards me , I still remained dedicated to my job. So, his comments about me “not doing” my job began to irritate me. He also, is very hot and cold when it comes to how he feels about my job performance. 
 

I am beginning to think that his behavior now is somewhat a retaliation or that he’s trying to make me thing that he never was  and will try to come onto me to lower my guard down. I found myself wanting to “ prove” myself to him ie I’d apologized to him after our heated moments. I also had initiated more of a closer physical contact (hugs) as he did with me in the past , in hopes that he’d just stop with his unfair treatment with me. 

Recently, I’ve had enough with this up and down rollercoaster and I’m not even sure what he “wants” from me? It’s starting to feel like he wants me to act a certain way. Perhaps, when I come into work and don’t pay much attention to him (only means I’m being professional) , he tries to act that it doesn’t bother him but then I get scolded and chastised in front of other coworkers. 
 

Am I overreacting and what do I need to know from other people's experiences and perspectives to be well prepared to whats to come? 
 

P.S. I have no interest in pursing anything other than professional , platonic relations with this man. He can be at times very charming and he is not bad looking , and also close to my age so there are many similarities between us so my predisposition to him is amicable. 

Edited June 4 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MsJayne]

Start keeping a diary of times that he touches you and any suggestive comments he makes, and respond to his flirty comments with cool disregard. I'm biased because people with flirty personalities get on my nerves, they're usually shallow and fake, but, whatever, he's making you feel awkward and uncomfortable in your workplace. Obviously you confronting him made him realise he'd overstepped the line and he feels embarrassed at what is a type of rejection, hence the mean teasing - a juvenile reaction to being called out for his behaviour. He probably saw you as a potential Office Bimbo who he could carry on with behind his wife's back, and got a shock when it turned out you have a brain and a moral compass. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, doingtherightthing said:

After my confrontation, it seemed that my boss did everything in his power to make me feel that he’s not “attracted” to me. He would tease me in a mean way. Also, he would almost go out of his way to point out irrelevant things that I may not be doing or doing at work.

Is he singling you out for this treatment, or does he nitpick everyone? 

[Gebidozo]

To me, it seems like a clear case of a bruised male ego on his part. You’ve rejected his amorous advances and now he is using his position as your boss to exact revenge.

 I’m afraid you’ll need to have another conversation with him. Tell him honestly that you’re offended by his unfairness, reiterate again that you’ll never be his lover or anything like that. Appeal to his professional ethics and to his self respect. If he still doesn’t change, perhaps consider a complaint to the higher ups.

[NuevoYorko]

If you think he's been sexually inappropriate with you and is treating you unfairly at work, go to HR with it.   

[ExpatInItaly]

You say you only want a professional relationship with him, yet you’re also giving him hugs? 

Girl. Come on. What are you doing here? 

 

[doingtherightthing]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

Is he singling you out for this treatment, or does he nitpick everyone? 

He’s singling me out and the reason I believe it’s just me , hence I’m not always around him at all times to see if he does it to others,  however  coworkers haven’t shared anything with me to make me think that he’s nitpicking at everyone. Also, he’s kept workers  that have “harassed” other coworkers off site and workers who kept breaking rules over and over again. 

[doingtherightthing]

6 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Start keeping a diary of times that he touches you and any suggestive comments he makes, and respond to his flirty comments with cool disregard. I'm biased because people with flirty personalities get on my nerves, they're usually shallow and fake, but, whatever, he's making you feel awkward and uncomfortable in your workplace. Obviously you confronting him made him realise he'd overstepped the line and he feels embarrassed at what is a type of rejection, hence the mean teasing - a juvenile reaction to being called out for his behaviour. He probably saw you as a potential Office Bimbo who he could carry on with behind his wife's back, and got a shock when it turned out you have a brain and a moral compass. 

I’ve keep journaling ever since the confrontation  because I needed an outlet to process and reflect what I was feeling and how I was being treated. And yes, he’s putting an act as a “nice and flirty” guy is very shallow. It drives me nuts because it has made me lose respect for him as a boss and as person in a lot of ways. 

[doingtherightthing]

5 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

To me, it seems like a clear case of a bruised male ego on his part. You’ve rejected his amorous advances and now he is using his position as your boss to exact revenge.

 I’m afraid you’ll need to have another conversation with him. Tell him honestly that you’re offended by his unfairness, reiterate again that you’ll never be his lover or anything like that. Appeal to his professional ethics and to his self respect. If he still doesn’t change, perhaps consider a complaint to the higher ups.

Perhaps, I should have another talk with him. After his unfairness where I clearly show to him that it’s not okay, he prompts me to “have a talk” with him. It’s almost like it’s a game to him. I declined to have a talk because honestly it seemed to me that his incapable of self-reflection on any of his behaviors. Also, I think he may then assign me as being “problematic” and too “sensitive”. That was actually his exact description (sensitive) to other workers about me /my reaction to his unfairness. 
I almost feel like anything I might say or do will be used against me in the court of my boss’ ego. 

[doingtherightthing]

4 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

If you think he's been sexually inappropriate with you and is treating you unfairly at work, go to HR with it.   

He is technically the HR. I may go to another person who’s on his level or slightly above him. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, doingtherightthing said:

 . He can be at times very charming and he is not bad looking , and also close to my age so there are many similarities between us so my predisposition to him is amicable. 

Please be careful as far as your crush on him. Be as professional as possible. What do his looks and charm have to do with this?

[Alpacalia]

Yes, he is being mean to you and this harsh passive aggressive behavior is onset by a different kind of attraction and well, the problematic side of him is a incontrollable hyper-jerk.

That aside, and I echo the comments made by another member, what reason are you giving him hugs or requiring in the sake of professionalism on your side at least, hugs. Yes, it is great to be amicable towards someone where there is a job that must be done but, I want you to consider taking a broader view, why should you feel obliged to hug him? 

[doingtherightthing]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please be careful as far as your crush on him. Be as professional as possible. What do his looks and charm have to do with this?

I don’t have a crush on him, I have mentioned this because his charm and flirty personality works on other coworkers and even clients. One of the younger coworker actually has a crush on him and tried to act on it. 

Edited May 14 by doingtherightthing
Clarification

[doingtherightthing]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Yes, he is being mean to you and this harsh passive aggressive behavior is onset by a different kind of attraction and well, the problematic side of him is a incontrollable hyper-jerk.

That aside, and I echo the comments made by another member, what reason are you giving him hugs or requiring in the sake of professionalism on your side at least, hugs. Yes, it is great to be amicable towards someone where there is a job that must be done but, I want you to consider taking a broader view, why should you feel obliged to hug him? 

I am working through this in therapy and the answer to why I gave him a hug is pretty much past complex past with boundaries with the opposite sex. 
My thought process was, “Oh, this is my boss who is very friendly and I have turned his physical contact down so I am a b****. I’ll probably get fired or he probably thinks I’m weird. Oh, he’s being unfair to me , maybe because , in a way, I turn him down. Maybe, I don’t “understand “ how to actually be professional and the way I act is rude”. So , it’s a bit back and forth, and complex to give you a straight answer why I initiated the hug. Essentially, in a way, people pleasing tendency and maybe even my own confusion on how to feel, what to do, what’s appropriate response to his “closeness at work dynamic”. 
The overall picture of this situation is that I don’t want to continue with this and I want it to stop. 

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, doingtherightthing said:

Perhaps, I should have another talk with him.

If you have to tell your boss that you are being unfairly treated after you called him on his sexually inappropriate behavior - it’s time to either go to HR or leave the job. 

Any attempt to talk about the issue with your boss is going to create more drama and it could very negatively impact your career. If you want it to stop, you will need to make it stop. 

Edited May 14 by BaileyB

[doingtherightthing]

7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

If you have to tell your boss that you are being unfairly treated after you called him on his sexually inappropriate behavior - it’s time to either go to HR or leave the job. 

Any attempt to talk about the issue with your boss is going to create more drama and it could very negatively impact your career. If you want it to stop, you will need to make it stop. 

Very well said and I do agree. I am actively looking for another employment which could potentially mean more commute. What do you mean by “I will need to make it stop”? Like go to someone higher?  Technically, there’s no one above his experience in this business that I can speak with , however there’s someone above his pay grade or someone who’s invested ( literally )  in the business rather than “work” in it. 

[happyhorizons]

The OP is without a doubt a victim. The OP’s boss is a manipulator and the worst kind man (using his power dynamic against a subordinate). 

[ironpony]

Can you be more specific about the lingering touches, although they do sound inappropriate for sure.

[doingtherightthing]

44 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

The OP is without a doubt a victim. The OP’s boss is a manipulator and the worst kind man (using his power dynamic against a subordinate). 

 thank you! 

[doingtherightthing]

3 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Can you be more specific about the lingering touches, although they do sound inappropriate for sure.

Sure, high fives that turn into him playing with  my fingers while keeping an eye contact. One time, he caressed my fingertips when passing by. 
 Caressing his fingers into the palm of my hand with an eye contact. We all know what that sign is.
He actually have walked so close  behind me and I felt you know what. 
Ever since confrontation  , he’s turned down a lot of it. I thought it was platonic on his part and other incidents were just accidental this whole time. 
His retaliation towards me is making obvious that he’s hurt or his ego is hurt that I called him out. That’s not fair to me. 

[glows]

He sounds like a complete sociopath. Not only is he inappropriate he has no empathy for others and gathers (keeps workers) who are just as sociopathic and who are bullies. If you know this company is run like this why are you still here? Start brushing up your cv and apply elsewhere. 

Part of your major problem is you seek validation and don’t have a strong support network or feedback system (ie friends who stand by you). You need validation from people like this and even if it’s inappropriate you’ll give in because it’s still filling a void in your personal life.

Id change jobs, seek therapy immediately, join local interest groups asap and be involved in your community. Volunteer, meet likeminded people with a big purpose. You’ll leave this garbage place behind in an instant.

[doingtherightthing]

6 minutes ago, glows said:

He sounds like a complete sociopath. Not only is he inappropriate he has no empathy for others and gathers (keeps workers) who are just as sociopathic and who are bullies. If you know this company is run like this why are you still here? Start brushing up your cv and apply elsewhere. 

Part of your major problem is you seek validation and don’t have a strong support network or feedback system (ie friends who stand by you). You need validation from people like this and even if it’s inappropriate you’ll give in because it’s still filling a void in your personal life.

Id change jobs, seek therapy immediately, join local interest groups asap and be involved in your community. Volunteer, meet likeminded people with a big purpose. You’ll leave this garbage place behind in an instant.

100 % agree. I am in therapy and am seeking another job even thought it’s a pain. I wanted to be well prepared for what’s to come or at least know best way to make the remaining days more tolerable. I really thought that his behavior was just super friendly platonic and it was in my head. Yes, he did use my vulnerability and a need for validation. Because of therapy , I have the tools to speak for myself and recognize this behavior. 

Edited May 15 by doingtherightthing

[happyhorizons]

6 minutes ago, doingtherightthing said:

Sure, high fives that turn into him playing with  my fingers while keeping an eye contact. One time, he caressed my fingertips when passing by. 
 Caressing his fingers into the palm of my hand with an eye contact. We all know what that sign is.
He actually have walked so close  behind me and I felt you know what. 
Ever since confrontation  , he’s turned down a lot of it. I thought it was platonic on his part and other incidents were just accidental this whole time. 
His retaliation towards me is making obvious that he’s hurt or his ego is hurt that I called him out. That’s not fair to me. 

The guy is a creep and he THINKS that he’s smooth.  What stinks is that the OP likes her job and this creepo is forcing her to look for another job

[doingtherightthing]

1 minute ago, happyhorizons said:

The guy is a creep and he THINKS that he’s smooth.  What stinks is that the OP likes her job and this creepo is forcing her to look for another job

Omg this! Thank you so much for seeing me and hearing me! I was super excited about my new job, it’s so close to me and it’s perfect hours for me and the pay is pretty decent. I want to stay, and really need to find a way to talk to someone else or confront him again.