Is my married boss crossing lines? updated)

[glows]

6 minutes ago, doingtherightthing said:

100 % agree. I am in therapy and am seeking another job even thought it’s a pain. I wanted to be well prepared for what’s to come or at least know best way to make the remaining days more tolerable. I really thought that his behavior was just super friendly platonic and it was in my head. Yes, he did use my vulnerability and a need for validation. I am in therapy and have been for years , otherwise I wouldn’t even have the tools to speak for myself or recognize this behavior. 

You’re doing it again. “Make remaining days more tolerable”. No. It is terrible and it will remain terrible. Set your sights further and please be more far sighted with your goals. Instead, start making a list of goals for a year , two years from now. Ask yourself what you’d like to see in your social life. Maybe you’d like to also upgrade your skills and do part time schooling. You keep circling back to this little sh-thole but it’s over. You’re moving on so move on with those applications. Do your work reasonably well but stop letting these people get to you. You can’t change the way others behave if they’re that fundamentally screwed up. 

As I said refocus on building a solid life outside of work. Volunteering is a good way to connect with the community and think bigger outside of what’s in your head. 
 

Edited May 15 by glows

[happyhorizons]

Just now, doingtherightthing said:

Omg this! Thank you so much for seeing me and hearing me! I was super excited about my new job, it’s so close to me and it’s perfect hours for me and the pay is pretty decent. I want to stay, and really need to find a way to talk to someone else or confront him again. 

Sadly, the Boss(and I use that term lightly) needs someone to EXPLAIN things to him. He should be ashamed of himself for treating the OP like this

[doingtherightthing]

1 minute ago, glows said:

You’re doing it again. “Make remaining days more tolerable”. No. It is terrible and it will remain terrible. Set your sights further and please be more far sighted with your goals. Instead, start making a list of goals for a year , two years from now. Ask yourself what you’d like to see in your social life. Maybe you’d like to also upgrade your skills and do part time schooling. You keep circling back to this little sh-thole but it’s over. You’re moving on so move on with those application. Do your work reasonably well but stop letting these people get to you. You can’t change the way others behave if they’re that fundamentally screwed up. 

As I said refocus on building a solid life outside of work. Volunteering is a good way to connect with the community and think BIGGER outside of what’s in your head. 

Agreee. One of the reasons I got this job and liked it was because the hours were flexible to be able to do part- time school. You’re right, I know that there’s no way I can change his behavior and it’s just the way it’s going to remains until I quit or get fired. Perhaps, I wanted to double down on him. However, it’ll be more reasonable for me to find a new place of work with same flexibility of hours. 

[doingtherightthing]

2 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Sadly, the Boss(and I use that term lightly) needs someone to EXPLAIN things to him. He should be ashamed of himself for treating the OP like this

Yes! Unfortunately, I took a liking to him as person at first and really stood by his side and explained a lot to him , gave him constructive feedback to improve the workplace and his treatment towards subordinates. It goes in one ear and out the other. 

[glows]

1 minute ago, doingtherightthing said:

Agreee. One of the reasons I got this job and liked it was because the hours were flexible to be able to do part- time school. You’re right, I know that there’s no way I can change his behavior and it’s just the way it’s going to remains until I quit or get fired. Perhaps, I wanted to double down on him. However, it’ll be more reasonable for me to find a new place of work with same flexibility of hours. 

If those are the qualities you want in a job(flexible hours) then negotiate in your next job interview and make sure you put down that you’re in the process of advancing your career through schooling while working. These are usually all things that can be negotiated and employers(the good ones) will look favourably on. You may have to compromise what days those flexible work hours are but it’s worth being open about if you’re serious about upgrading your skills. 

This issue isn’t just one man(your boss). You have indicated it’s a systemic issue and the staff working there are similar to him. I think it’s very naive to believe you can change a rotten company or one with deteriorating values and work culture. I know you’re angry but don’t use that anger towards this dope. Take that energy and motivate yourself to aim higher and do more. I think you got too comfortable at this position and that’s usually also a good time to ask yourself if you’re primed for something more challenging and adds to your career growth. 

[happyhorizons]

3 minutes ago, doingtherightthing said:

Yes! Unfortunately, I took a liking to him as person at first and really stood by his side and explained a lot to him , gave him constructive feedback to improve the workplace and his treatment towards subordinates. It goes in one ear and out the other. 

Well, I was thinking 🤔 of something entirely different 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, doingtherightthing said:

What do you mean by “I will need to make it stop”?

I meant, you can’t have another conversation with him to tell him how you feel and ask him what/why he is behaving this way and then expect him to change his ways… 

Personally, I wouldn’t wait for him to stop this kind of behavior. I would take a more active role - I would talk to HR (if you have HR) or I would look for another job. I would not want to work for a man who behaves like this  - it’s not a safe or respectful workplace for you.

[doingtherightthing]

34 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Well, I was thinking 🤔 of something entirely different 

Please elaborate or I forgot to mention to your point? 

[NuevoYorko]

What's been holding you back from going to HR?  The lingering fingertips would be enough, you don't even need to go any further than that.   He would surely be officially warned and the chances are good that you'd be free of this creepy loser's slimy advances and attempts to intimidate you.

[Alpacalia]

12 hours ago, doingtherightthing said:

I am working through this in therapy and the answer to why I gave him a hug is pretty much past complex past with boundaries with the opposite sex. 
My thought process was, “Oh, this is my boss who is very friendly and I have turned his physical contact down so I am a b****. I’ll probably get fired or he probably thinks I’m weird. Oh, he’s being unfair to me , maybe because , in a way, I turn him down. Maybe, I don’t “understand “ how to actually be professional and the way I act is rude”. So , it’s a bit back and forth, and complex to give you a straight answer why I initiated the hug. Essentially, in a way, people pleasing tendency and maybe even my own confusion on how to feel, what to do, what’s appropriate response to his “closeness at work dynamic”. 
The overall picture of this situation is that I don’t want to continue with this and I want it to stop. 

Okay, well, you have a good high level insight so that's a good start. You don't like confrontation and people pleasing, okay. 

The thing is, he is obviously flirting although he is professionally hiding it when he gets asked or challenged, he's also retaliating and behaving irrationally unprofessionally when you don't co-operate with him on this. 

It is necessary therefore, that the work colleague be kept polite and that you make a record that can be securely worded to your decision making in manager pertaining to harassment if you do choose to follow that route. The other thing is, be aware you have abilities and affirmative rights in yourself that you don't allow yourself in this scenario, through fear of repercussions. It is this that you must be aware of and work on. 

I recently came across a post of a story of another woman who was facing a similar situation. She responded to her boss by saying, "I'll be noting this in my log." When he inquired about the log, she explained that it was her harassment log where she documented the date, time and what he had said.

[happyhorizons]

It's really disgusting behavior.  The OP loves her job and wants to do great work and has to deal with this CREEP.  It really makes MEN in general look so bad.  It really is horrible.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, happyhorizons said:

 It really makes MEN in general look so bad.  It really is horrible.

Only if you're into gross generalities or hating on men.   I would argue that the act makes the individual look bad

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

When he inquired about the log, she explained that it was her harassment log where she documented the date, time and what he had said.

No a bad idea - she gave him one warning to cease and desist, lest she take it up the chain of command. Note, it’s not a conversation that opens the door to other things… She is also not just waiting and hoping that he will change his ways. He has been informed that his behavior is not going unnoticed and she is prepared to do something about it if it does not stop. That should give anyone pause - 

Edited May 15 by BaileyB

[doingtherightthing]

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

No a bad idea - she gave him one warning to cease and desist, lest she take it up the chain of command. Note, it’s not a conversation that opens the door to other things… She is also not just waiting and hoping that he will change his ways. He has been informed that his behavior is not going unnoticed and she is prepared to do something about it if it does not stop. That should give anyone pause - 

Very much agree. There’s no reason to keep giving him the benefit of the doubt or second chances. He shouldn’t have done anything remotely close to what he did to me in the first place. Work place is not for that plus he’s married. 
My confrontation also was very much neutral and wasn’t accusatory. It come from a curious place, to make him aware that I’m noticing it and he needs to be self aware and take accountability from his inappropriate behavior. 
Now, I dread coming into work, my anxiety is high because I have to be on high alert and also make sure I stay composed when he’s micromanaging me because I know where it’s coming from on his end. 

[happyhorizons]

16 hours ago, basil67 said:

Only if you're into gross generalities or hating on men.   I would argue that the act makes the individual look bad

Well said Basil....I definitely OVER GENERALIZED things.  Let me rephrase, THIS makes the OP's Boss LOOK BAD and like a serious CREEP. 

[happyhorizons]

19 hours ago, doingtherightthing said:

Very much agree. There’s no reason to keep giving him the benefit of the doubt or second chances. He shouldn’t have done anything remotely close to what he did to me in the first place. Work place is not for that plus he’s married. 
My confrontation also was very much neutral and wasn’t accusatory. It come from a curious place, to make him aware that I’m noticing it and he needs to be self aware and take accountability from his inappropriate behavior. 
Now, I dread coming into work, my anxiety is high because I have to be on high alert and also make sure I stay composed when he’s micromanaging me because I know where it’s coming from on his end. 

OP, you GOT THIS. You cannot allow him to essence control the narrative. Remember HE is in the wrong not you. Be professional but make it know you there to work and anything that is outside of that is not OK. There is simply NO business that would be OK with a person in authority doing what he’s done (the legal system does look kindly on that type of behavior especially towards ladies)

[happyhorizons]

On 5/15/2024 at 4:36 PM, happyhorizons said:

Well said Basil....I definitely OVER GENERALIZED things.  Let me rephrase, THIS makes the OP's Boss LOOK BAD and like a serious CREEP. 

Hopefully, the OP’s boss will get the message to leave her alone and act professionally. 

[happyhorizons]

On 5/21/2024 at 6:53 AM, happyhorizons said:

Hopefully, the OP’s boss will get the message to leave her alone and act professionally. 

The OP is a nice lady who is there doing a great and being harassed by a D-bag boss just because she is attractive. 

[herefornow345]

Hi guys, 

I am in a bit of dilemma. Just to preface, I work in an environment where there’s a lot of banter and we do hug our coworkers a lot ( mostly hello and goodbye) and etc. 

However, at some point, I felt that even though our work environment is super laid back, my married boss was trying to bend some boundaries. I even posted here and lots of comments told me to leave work and that he is being “inappropriate”. 

I created a different account for privacy. 

After receiving comments here, I began looking at other places of work. My boss found out I was training elsewhere. 
I decided to have a talk with him and just ask how the company is doing and etc. 

I mentioned to him that the best form of feedback for me are positive reinforcement  and verbal praise. He goes, “Oh , words of affirmation? I’m more of a physical touch and quality time guy.”  So, in my head I’m thinking, why is he referring to 5 languages of love, however I did some research and found few articles that says that some companies “ apply “ professional 5 languages at work to promote a healthier work environment. 
He also recently offered me a promotion. 
 

So, I am conflicted. Is my boss innocent because he was just applying “5 love languages at work” , perhaps not in the best way but still. Or is he offering promotion so I will stay within the company and he will try to gain my trust back to then try to pull his moves again? 
 

His physical touch would be high fives that sometimes would linger , and hugs to comfort me as well. I never asked for hugs, anytime I was disappointed, he’d side hug me. We also, had a full on hug too. He offered it because we kind of got into a bit of a quarrel.

Are 5 professional love languages even a thing? If that’s really how he leads and/or connects with his team, why did he never ask me what ways I like to receive it then at work ? Why would he assume it was more of a physical touch?
 

I'm not sure on what my next move should be or how to reflect on all of this? 

[S2B]

Go to the new job.

anyone getting in my physical space while I’m being paid to “do a job” is a creep. He’s just creating an environment so he can be a predator.

he’s not “bending” the boundary - he totally crosses them purposely and that’s why it feels like a violation.

tell him it’s not right.

[doingtherightthing]

Hi guys, 

I am in a bit of dilemma. Just to preface, I work in an environment where there’s a lot of banter and we do hug our coworkers a lot ( mostly hello and goodbye) and etc. 

However, at some point, I felt that even though our work environment is super laid back, my married boss was trying to bend some boundaries. I even posted here and lots of comments told me to leave work and that he is being “inappropriate”. 

You can check my previous post regarding this. 

After receiving comments here, I began looking at other places of work. My boss found out I was training elsewhere. 
I decided to have a talk with him and just ask how the company is doing and etc. 

I mentioned to him that the best form of feedback for me are positive reinforcement  and verbal praise. He goes, “Oh , words of affirmation? I’m more of a physical touch and quality time guy.”  So, in my head I’m thinking, why is he referring to 5 languages of love, however I did some research and found few articles that says that some companies “ apply “ professional 5 languages at work to promote a healthier work environment. 
He also recently offered me a promotion. 
 

So, I am conflicted. Is my boss innocent because he was just applying “5 love languages at work” , perhaps not in the best way but still. Or is he offering promotion so I will stay within the company and he will try to gain my trust back to then try to pull his moves again? 
 

His physical touch would be high fives that sometimes would linger , and hugs to comfort me as well. I never asked for hugs, anytime I was disappointed, he’d side hug me. We also, had a full on hug too. He offered it because we kind of got into a bit of a quarrel.

Are 5 professional love languages even a thing? If that’s really how he leads and/or connects with his team, why did he never ask me what ways I like to receive it then at work ? Why would he assume it was more of a physical touch?
 

I'm not sure on what my next move should be or how to reflect on all of this? 

[doingtherightthing]

Hi guys, 

I am in a bit of dilemma. Just to preface, I work in an environment where there’s a lot of banter and we do hug our coworkers a lot ( mostly hello and goodbye) and etc. 

However, at some point, I felt that even though our work environment is super laid back, my married boss was trying to bend some boundaries. I even posted here and lots of comments told me to leave work and that he is being “inappropriate”. 

You can check my previous post regarding that. 

After receiving comments here, I began looking at other places of work. My boss found out I was training elsewhere. 
I decided to have a talk with him and just ask how the company is doing and etc. 

I mentioned to him that the best form of feedback for me are positive reinforcement  and verbal praise. He goes, “Oh , words of affirmation? I’m more of a physical touch and quality time guy.”  So, in my head I’m thinking, why is he referring to 5 languages of love, however I did some research and found few articles that says that some companies “ apply “ professional 5 languages at work to promote a healthier work environment. 
He also recently offered me a promotion. 
 

So, I am conflicted. Is my boss innocent because he was just applying “5 love languages at work” , perhaps not in the best way but still. Or is he offering promotion so I will stay within the company and he will try to gain my trust back to then try to pull his moves again? 
 

His physical touch would be high fives that sometimes would linger , and hugs to comfort me as well. I never asked for hugs, anytime I was disappointed, he’d side hug me. We also, had a full on hug too. He offered it because we kind of got into a bit of a quarrel.

Are 5 professional love languages even a thing? If that’s really how he leads and/or connects with his team, why did he never ask me what ways I like to receive it then at work ? Why would he assume it was more of a physical touch?
 

I'm not sure on what my next move should be or how to reflect on all of this? 

[ExpatInItaly]

Find a new job.

This dude is a clown and terrible example of a boss. I would also cut out all the hugging. It is strange. 

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, herefornow345 said:

If that’s really how he leads and/or connects with his team, why did he never ask me what ways I like to receive it then at work ? Why would he assume it was more of a physical touch?

Would his comment be appropriate if he was female? 

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, herefornow345 said:

I'm not sure on what my next move should be or how to reflect on all of this? 

I think you should talk to HR and ask them if "5 languages of love" is appropriate to use in the workplace.  Why haven't you consulted them about him?