Is my married boss crossing lines? updated)

[Alpacalia]

12 hours ago, doingtherightthing said:

I have mentioned that I created another account without knowing it’s not allowed and for privacy issues. I didn’t realize the other accounts post were still up after I reposted under my original account. 
I can’t even see my other account post. 

I would never want to dismiss the concerns of an employee that feels her boss is crossing boundaries but you have to understand, that saying the reason you created 4 threads is because of "privacy reasons" is nonsensical.

It actually draws negative attention to your situation and leads people to believe that you have an unhealthy obsession with your situation more importantly than the actual situation itself. The fact that you have started 4 different threads proves that you're at the very least preoccupied with the situation.

I have been the recipient of unwanted advances in the workplace and it didn't require me to have 4 post about it, what I did was left...

One potential next step for you could be to sit down with HR and discuss your concerns.

They can help you navigate the situation and potentially mediate a conversation between you and your boss about boundaries. It is ultimately up to you to decide if you feel comfortable staying in this job or if you believe it is necessary to leave for your own well-being.

I realize it's hard when your livlihood is tied up to your job, but your emotional and physical safety should always come first. You mentioned a promotion so I wonder if that is part of your conflict, do you really want to work for somebody who is going to use a promotion to try to convince you to come back to his unwanted touching?

[doingtherightthing]

1 minute ago, happyhorizons said:

Maybe, it’s time to go play golf or something 🤔🤔🤔🤔

What do you mean? Is that a secret code for something? 

[doingtherightthing]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

I would never want to dismiss the concerns of an employee that feels her boss is crossing boundaries but you have to understand, that saying the reason you created 4 threads is because of "privacy reasons" is nonsensical.

It actually draws negative attention to your situation and leads people to believe that you have an unhealthy obsession with your situation more importantly than the actual situation itself. The fact that you have started 4 different threads proves that you're at the very least preoccupied with the situation.

I have been the recipient of unwanted advances in the workplace and it didn't require me to have 4 post about it, what I did was left...

One potential next step for you could be to sit down with HR and discuss your concerns.

They can help you navigate the situation and potentially mediate a conversation between you and your boss about boundaries. It is ultimately up to you to decide if you feel comfortable staying in this job or if you believe it is necessary to leave for your own well-being.

I realize it's hard when your livlihood is tied up to your job, but your emotional and physical safety should always come first. You mentioned a promotion so I wonder if that is part of your conflict, do you really want to work for somebody who is going to use a promotion to try to convince you to come back to his unwanted touching?

Thank you for advice. Yeah, I’m definitely going to keep searching for a new job and just keep my distance in the meantime. 

[doingtherightthing]

7 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Yes but again probably better to not say much more on this forum ⛳️ 

I’m sure that’s what he expects. Time to move on for good. 

[NuevoYorko]

Sexual harassment is very real and a serious problem.  It sounds like you've been on the receiving end of it.  Your boss being a harasser is not your fault - but a lot falls to you with regards to how you handle things like this.

I have a sense that you don't have good boundaries at work.  Why are you "quarreling" with your boss?   That is strange - especially when you then follow it up with a full on hug.   You are not comfortable with this man's physical touching, so please try to stand up for yourself and do not go along with it - since evidently you've decided to continue working there.  That's confusing too, though, since you said you're already in training elsewhere.  How does that work?

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

I think the OP was just looking for some guidance/insight on how to navigate a stressful situation with her Boss (taking in consideration that she loves her job). It did not seem confusing to me.

Seriously?   I know you read her first post about this (before she started re-posting the same thing) where she goes into detail about his terrible treatment of her at work including undermining her personally, and her work, and being "mean."  

There was no love expressed there.  

I also got an intuition (which could be wrong, absolutely) that she was / is attracted to this guy and wants to know whether he feels the same way towards her.  Posts like that are extremely common and they all sound similar.

The bottom line is that a person who sexually harasses others - especially those over whom they hold a superior position (power) in the work place - is breaking laws and abusing.   

If this poster or anyone is up against something like that,  unfortunately it is their responsibility in order to take care of THEMSELVES to address the behavior head on, whatever that looks like.  It generally entails being direct with the person who is harassing:    "I do not wish to be hugged or touched, please don't do it."   "I'd like to schedule a meeting with you about the issues you have been having with my performance at work lately."  etc.   Also keeping personal interactions with such a person to a minimum (like personal "quarrels" and "making up" by hugging)

And, of course, going to HR would be key.   I believe she has said that there is no HR at this place, unfortunately.

[stillafool]

40 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I also got an intuition (which could be wrong, absolutely) that she was / is attracted to this guy and wants to know whether he feels the same way towards her.  Posts like that are extremely common and they all sound similar.

I got the same impression and that is why I thought she made the 4 threads because she wanted to talk about that or to get confirmation that he was into her because of this statement:

Quote

 I found myself wanting to “ prove” myself to him ie I’d apologized to him after our heated moments. I also had initiated more of a closer physical contact (hugs) as he did with me in the past , in hopes that he’d just stop with his unfair treatment with me.

 Employees who want to prove that they are competent in their position do that by putting out excellent work.  Not having heated arguments,  giving hugs and physical contact in hopes that the boss will then stop his unfair treatment.  That's just inviting more bad behavior from your boss.  Most people, after doing good work but still being treated unfairly, would go to HR. I still don't understand why she didn't take this up with them.

Edited June 7, 2024 by stillafool

[doingtherightthing]

Hi guys! 
If you’d like , you can see my previous posts to get a better feel of what kind of place I work at. 
Long story short, my boss has had moves on me and I rejected  him. I was told to leave this job  by many people on this forum,   but I decided to  accept a promotion at this place despite it all. I need the extra money before I find something else.
Now, this is what’s happening which brings disgust and honestly curiosity on how to maneuver with this situation. 
At my place of work, many people are picking up on the fact that my boss is cheating with one of the clients. Im sure after making a move on me and probably other females, this woman has accepted it and he’s just playing her and she seems to be okay with it.
I have actually addressed this with him and told him that whatever he has going on is none of my business but do not do “it” in a workplace. He made it seem that I was wrong and that there’s nothing going on between him and her. At this point , it’s pretty obvious he’s cheating even though there’s no hard evidence. 
How do I handle this? Do I just keep quit until find a new job or do I report this? There is technically no HR. It’s either him or his partners/ friend who knows this female client. 
I feel totally disgusted to have to come into work in the meantime before I find something else. 

 

[basil67]

Yes, this guy is a sleaze.  But why do you need to report him?  Are there internal rules which he is breaking?  

If he's not breaking any company rules, my advice is to focus on your work until you are able to leave.

[doingtherightthing]

I just honestly want it to stop or at least not have to hear it from other clients that they have picked up on the affair too.

I honestly wish he’d just hide it much better at a workplace. Like, why does he have to do this at work? Why not just get a hotel room with her and not have her come to his/our work setting. 

I have to stop myself from telling people who ask about him that I know he’s a sleeze bag. 
Yeah, I’m not sure if there’s policy on this type of behavior. 

[basil67]

57 minutes ago, doingtherightthing said:

I just honestly want it to stop or at least not have to hear it from other clients that they have picked up on the affair too.

In that case, if someone talks about it:  just laugh, put your hands up in front of you and say "oh, leave me out of it!"

Edited July 11, 2024 by basil67

[stillafool]

I personally think you should mind your business and let grown people do what they want to do and suffer the consequences.  They probably do go to a hotel as well as carry on at the job.  If you start trying to tell your boss what to do and how to act you may lose your job.  Just let them be and just do your work is best.

[doingtherightthing]

1 hour ago, happyhorizons said:

OP can you detail HOW you know an affair is taking place? 

He spends a lot of time with her and a lot of one of one’s in his office. With other clients, he’s just very surface like and doesn’t take them into his office. 
Late nights hang outs after work hours. Sometimes, both of them go “missing” at the same time during work hours for him when she comes visits. 
Eye contact between them. Plus, when I confronted him, he said it’s his personal life. How is this woman part of your personal life when she’s supposed to be just a client and doesn’t even know your wife. 
Once again, no hard evidence but the signs are there because I never told anyone about his moves on me and that I suspected him actually having an affair with this woman. Other clients who come on once in a while, are questioning the dynamic between him and her. 
 

[doingtherightthing]

50 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I personally think you should mind your business and let grown people do what they want to do and suffer the consequences.  They probably do go to a hotel as well as carry on at the job.  If you start trying to tell your boss what to do and how to act you may lose your job.  Just let them be and just do your work is best.

Yeah 100%. I never planned on confronting him but he kept asking me what’s wrong because one day, I just couldn’t hide it on my face and honestly I just said that he shouldn’t encourage her feelings for him. At that time,  he would show everyone how “annoyed” he is with her and that she made moves on him and he had to tell her to back off yet he’d spend alone time with her and etc. 
I haven’t brought it up ever since and don’t plan to. 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, doingtherightthing said:

Yeah 100%. I never planned on confronting him but he kept asking me what’s wrong because one day, I just couldn’t hide it on my face and honestly I just said that he shouldn’t encourage her feelings for him. At that time,  he would show everyone how “annoyed” he is with her and that she made moves on him and he had to tell her to back off yet he’d spend alone time with her and etc. 
I haven’t brought it up ever since and don’t plan to. 

Gently, you shouldn't get this emotionally involved with who and what your boss is doing that it should upset you this much with what is going on between him and this woman.  You previously thought he was being inappropriate with you and by showing your displeasure with his interaction with this woman, one could think you are just jealous. So if I were you I would just mind my business and do my work.  He obviously is not annoyed with her and is enjoying their interactions.  I'm curious, if he already showed everyone he was annoyed by her and he's told her to back off, why did you make this thread?  He already took care of it so there's nothing more to complain about.

 

12 hours ago, doingtherightthing said:

Do I just keep quit until find a new job or do I report this? There is technically no HR.

If there is no HR, who would you report this to?

[flitzanu]

so just because he is showing attention to this woman suddenly he's having an affair?  that seems like a big leap, and also seems like it is none of anyone's business except his and this woman.  you haven't indicated that this in any way physically affects your job  

[MsJayne]

I'd just turn a blind eye. As long as he's not sleazing on you, let him get on with it. I know that working with someone like him can be painful,  but there's usually at east one prat in every workplace, and it's just a part of life you pretty much have to suck up. Look on the bright side, imagine the drama and excitement if his wife comes in one day while he's plugging the client in his office. 

[doingtherightthing]

22 hours ago, MsJayne said:

I'd just turn a blind eye. As long as he's not sleazing on you, let him get on with it. I know that working with someone like him can be painful,  but there's usually at east one prat in every workplace, and it's just a part of life you pretty much have to suck up. Look on the bright side, imagine the drama and excitement if his wife comes in one day while he's plugging the client in his office. 

Totally turning blind eye to it. I’ve accepted to just live with it while I’m here. Yeah,  the truth always comes to light. 

[NuevoYorko]

I think you really need to work on your boundaries.  Since you decided to "turn a blind eye" to his creepy advances towards you,  as you've chosen to keep working there,  I think it seems to be a no-brainer that whatever sexual activities he has with anybody else is also to be ignored by you.  

You seem pretty wrapped up in this guy's BS.

[doingtherightthing]

11 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

I think you really need to work on your boundaries.  Since you decided to "turn a blind eye" to his creepy advances towards you,  as you've chosen to keep working there,  I think it seems to be a no-brainer that whatever sexual activities he has with anybody else is also to be ignored by you.  

You seem pretty wrapped up in this guy's BS.

I am actively working on my boundaries and have made a lot of progress in life. I am trying my best to assess and respond to a situation in my life that’s not pleasant to me. Processing what is happening  and asking for advice is a step in a positive direction, wouldn’t you say? 
I’ve heard somewhere that some people go from not recognizing what’s in front of them( this was me years ago) to caring to much ( which is me now I guess). Give me some time to balance that. 
I'm dealing with this to my best ability once again and maybe a no-brainer to you takes a lot of brain power for me.

I appreciate your input though and you’re very much correct. 

[doingtherightthing]

4 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

OP, you seem to have a great grasp on what you need to do moving forward. This BOSS is simply not worth your mental energy. Good Luck

Thank you! You’re always uplifting and understanding. It’s very refreshing! 

[doingtherightthing]

Hey guys, 

if you want more context, see previous posts. 
 

More context  below to what has happened recently that was a last straw for me. 
A few weeks back, when negotiating a promotion that was offered to me and before accepting it, I laid out few basic requirements and asked for it to be in writing. I was given a hard time( of course) by my boss. Questions like, why do I need it in writing and etc. 

One day, during one of our discussions about some of my requirements , he said to me, “if you don’t accept what we’re offering, here’s the door.” He’s also had mentioned that he doesn’t “need” me, that my ego is too big, that I’m not a god’s gift to the world. 

So, on top of his coming onto me, he’s allowed himself to speak disrespectfully blatantly in my face. I tried to talk to a mediator person at work to sort this out. The mediator persons responds was that he’s a “man.” but I’ve realized that I cannot stay one more second around this type of treatment towards me. 
So, I quit. 2 hours before my closing shift, to which he tells me, it’s a bit “unprofessional .” I answered, just matching the energy. 
 

I feel relieved and proud of myself. I’m sure, I’ll find a job soon and will be more thorough when choosing a new place. 
Just wanted to share and hopefully this gives a person a new sense of hope given he/she finds himself in a familiar place. 

Edited July 14, 2024 by doingtherightthing
Title edit

[doingtherightthing]

On 7/14/2024 at 5:09 PM, happyhorizons said:

Good For You and yes, you will something even better. The guy really is a 🤡 clown. I’m glad you do not have to deal with his nonsense.

Actually have 2 interviews lined up already for tomorrow. 
Not proud of myself but made a mistake this morning, and tried to get my job back as I panicked and felt self-doubt. Was met with a lecture that I have to control my emotions because the boss is the owner and that my trust is diminished within the team. Very interesting to see how I’m supposed to rise above bullying and just accept it. Glad I quit. 

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, doingtherightthing said:

Very interesting to see how I’m supposed to rise above bullying and just accept it. Glad I quit. 

Why try to go back after that and humiliate yourself?  I agree with them that you need to learn to control your emotions and not get involved with things that really don't concern you. That will help you on your next job. Good luck on your interviews tomorrow.

[doingtherightthing]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why try to go back after that and humiliate yourself?  I agree with them that you need to learn to control your emotions and not get involved with things that really don't concern you. That will help you on your next job. Good luck on your interviews tomorrow.

I must say that your comments even though seem to be helpful , you tend to give backhanded compliments a lot. Here’s the thing, what exactly  am I not supposed to get involved in? The fact that my boss came onto me and the fact that when offered a promotion , in the same breath, I was told I wasn’t needed and here’s the door when I asked it to be in writing? Please explain. My emotions are in the right place because I will not tolerate bullying from my boss. My reaction was very much valid and I’m here to share my internal processes. You don’t seem to be supportive at all. Perhaps, our workplace values don’t align and that’s fine.