Is my married boss crossing lines? updated)

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, doingtherightthing said:

Here’s the thing, what exactly  am I not supposed to get involved in?

Your boss being involved with his client.  That is not your business.

[doingtherightthing]

Just now, stillafool said:

Your boss being involved with his client.  That is not your business.

Yes, I agree. It’s not my business. At that time, when I brought it up to him, it wasn’t to assume that he had a “thing” with a client. It was to address the behavior of a client that jeopardized the company’s confidential information. The client went into our POS system.
On here, I shared my speculations that they might be having an affair and how it’s affecting me but I never said it was my business. 
 

[Alpacalia]

I think you did the right thing. I had to leave a very high paying career that I was with for 8+ years because my boss made a pass at me that I refused and I felt completely disrespected and uncomfortable around him after that and so I just quit considering my mental health mattered more.

It’s not easy to leave a job especially if someone is financially dependent on it, but sometimes we have to prioritize our well-being and self-respect over a job. No job is worth staying in if it means sacrificing your dignity. 

[doingtherightthing]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

I think you did the right thing. I had to leave a very high paying career that I was with for 8+ years because my boss made a pass at me that I refused and I felt completely disrespected and uncomfortable around him after that and so I just quit considering my mental health mattered more.

It’s not easy to leave a job especially if someone is financially dependent on it, but sometimes we have to prioritize our well-being and self-respect over a job. No job is worth staying in if it means sacrificing your dignity. 

Thank you for sharing. Did you have to put up with that treatment for 8+ years or was it just a short-term? 
 

[Alpacalia]

12 hours ago, doingtherightthing said:

Thank you for sharing. Did you have to put up with that treatment for 8+ years or was it just a short-term? 
 

My boss had a flirty personality so he was like that with everyone. So, I never took it personally. No lines initially crossed but after about eight years, he wanted me to start traveling with him for business meetings and one day when we were in his office, he put his hand on mine and made a comment about my appearance. It made me uncomfortable but I didn't know how to react, so I just pulled my hand away and changed the subject.

From then on, he would make more frequent flirty comments and would touch my arm or shoulder when talking to me. It made me feel uneasy and I decided to resign from my job.

He was also married.

Edited July 16, 2024 by Alpacalia

[NuevoYorko]

Good thing you quit.  Now leave this behind you and watch YOURSELF for signs of getting inappropriately enmeshed in unprofessional situations in your future work environments.  

This goes all the way back to your first posts where you mentioned hugs between you and this now ex boss to "make up" for some kind of blowups you had.

Blow ups, and hugging reconciliation have no place at work.

You only worked there for a "few months" and whew.  You've been involved in  enough drama there for a job that lasted years.   

Next job, just put your head down and focus on the WORK that needs to get done.  

If you need drama and intrigue in your life, look for it outside of your workplace. 

Believe me, life will be a lot better.

Last month you posted that you were training at a new job.   Will you be carrying on with that?

 

[doingtherightthing]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

Good thing you quit.  Now leave this behind you and watch YOURSELF for signs of getting inappropriately enmeshed in unprofessional situations in your future work environments.  

This goes all the way back to your first posts where you mentioned hugs between you and this now ex boss to "make up" for some kind of blowups you had.

Blow ups, and hugging reconciliation have no place at work.

You only worked there for a "few months" and whew.  You've been involved in  enough drama there for a job that lasted years.   

Next job, just put your head down and focus on the WORK that needs to get done.  

If you need drama and intrigue in your life, look for it outside of your workplace. 

Believe me, life will be a lot better.

Last month you posted that you were training at a new job.   Will you be carrying on with that?

 

I wouldn’t be training at the same job as it wasn’t the best fit. I am applying to new places. 
This has made me reflect a lot on my own behavior and how people perceive me and/or perhaps what I allow. 
I’m not looking to blame anyone and can only take responsibility for my own actions and reactions. 
 

[doingtherightthing]

4 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

My boss had a flirty personality so he was like that with everyone. So, I never took it personally. No lines initially crossed but after about eight years, he wanted me to start traveling with him for business meetings and one day when we were in his office, he put his hand on mine and made a comment about my appearance. It made me uncomfortable but I didn't know how to react, so I just pulled my hand away and changed the subject.

From then on, he would make more frequent flirty comments and would touch my arm or shoulder when talking to me. It made me feel uneasy and I decided to resign from my job.

He was also married.

Wow, very similar to how it began for me as well. I guess, a lot of times it starts with some sort of hand holding.
I’m glad that’s behind you. 

[doingtherightthing]

15 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

It's crazy to think that in 2024 there are still superiors that TRY and make a subordinate feel uncomfortable with inappropriate gestures or overtures.  I really hope the OP can find her footing in a completely new environment with hopefully people who show here the dignity and respect that she so richly deserves. 

The thing is, last night, I began thinking that I “provoked” it? I know, I didn’t, or if I did, it definitely wasn’t my intention. I’m not trying to play a victim , however, I just want to gain clarity on how to make sure this doesn’t happen in the future. Is it me or is it just other people allowing themselves this behavior? 

[doingtherightthing]

28 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Being friendly, kind and considerate is certainly should NEVER provoke HIM COMING ONTO YOU. So, just put that out of your mind. It seems (from your posts) that THE BOSS is a PLAYER (as evidenced by his interactions with HIS CLIENT) so it is on HIM and NOT YOU.  Please do not let this determine how you interact with your co-workers moving forward.  

Agreed! I’m glad that’s behind me and I’m looking forward to my next adventure! An ethical one and a professional one! 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, doingtherightthing said:

Wow, very similar to how it began for me as well. I guess, a lot of times it starts with some sort of hand holding.
I’m glad that’s behind you. 

Thanks. 🙂

Indeed. These men are a dime a dozen unfortunately.....😉

It's unfortunate how common this behavior is in the workplace. I thought I could field it but he crossed the line and I couldn't ignore it any longer. It's not worth putting up with that kind of treatment just for a job. I hope you find a better work environment where you are respected and treated with dignity.

Edited July 16, 2024 by Alpacalia

[NuevoYorko]

4 hours ago, doingtherightthing said:

The thing is, last night, I began thinking that I “provoked” it? I know, I didn’t, or if I did, it definitely wasn’t my intention. I’m not trying to play a victim , however, I just want to gain clarity on how to make sure this doesn’t happen in the future. Is it me or is it just other people allowing themselves this behavior? 

Don't worry about that now.  If you concentrate on professional behavior and staying in your own lane when working, you won't have to question whether you "provoked" anything.

That means no personal outbursts that require "making up" with your boss,  hugging,  any type of attention to their personal affairs,  etc.  If you do this, you will be 100% certain that you were not an active participant.  And if you are all business and project the fact that you have well established boundaries,  you won't be a likely target for men who are hoping for some kind of side benefits at work.  

When you've worked with people over a long period of time, it becomes almost impossible to keep the personal and professional from mingling somewhat.   You and your bosses and co-workers will have got to know each other and develop some mutually respectful and possibly more personal types of relationships.  That takes time.   This job was only of a few months' duration for you.  Next time keep yourself quite protected for the first year or so at least.

[MsJayne]

Well done!  You'll get another job any minute and you'll never regret it. There's nothing wrong with having professional values. 🍾

[NuevoYorko]

Just to be clear - you are NOT responsible for the behavior of others; however, if you keep your own behavior very professional at work, you will be clear in your own mind that you did not participate in anything that turned out to be unsavory, or worse, for you.   

[doingtherightthing]

Hi guys, 

please see previous posts to get more context into my current situation. 
 

Today, I told the president of the company that the reason I quit on the spot was because of my boss. I was very nervous during the conversation and perhaps blather a bit but I tried my best.  At first, the president was reluctant to hear me because of the way that I had quit and tried to come back so he goes if you quit bad manager , why try to come back? 

 I told him, I had tried to come back to carry out my duties and to at least finish my scheduled shifts as quitting on the spot isn’t in my character .

 I told him that my boss’ treatment towards me has eroded my confidence and told him that in the same breath when offered a promotion, he said he doesn’t need me, that I’m not a gods gift to the world and that my ego is too big. I had also mentioned he’s been inappropriate with me,  before the promotion, that I had confronted him about it. However,  it kept building up and my esteem kept going down. The president said, so reading between the lines, it seems that you made the best choice by resigning. 
The president, asked for specific examples that he can look on the camera. I told him, that’s all I’m ready to share right now. 
I said , the reason for this conversation isn’t to try to cause trouble ,  but to make you understand what is going on behind the scenes that could affect this company’s future. 
He said that he’ll look into it and will talk to him. 
It seemed that he didn’t want to share how “ unhappy” or “satisfied” he is with my boss as a manager. 

please guys, only supportive comments, if you want to scold me on why I even talked to the president, don’t comment. 
 

 
 

[doingtherightthing]

2 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

I agree....Well Done. Hopefully, you interviews are going great.  Keep us posted.

I have training tomorrow and another interview as well! See my new post! 

[doingtherightthing]

2 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

So sorry....I did not see your post when I posted mine...Apologies. Great news nonetheless. 

No worries. I meant see my new  post about my ex company. Didn’t mean to  make it sound that  I’m not happy to fill you in on my progress. 

[doingtherightthing]

4 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

I am so glad you are doing NOT ONLY THE RIGHT THING but that you are doing GREAT.  Things are going to be good for you moving forward. 

Would love to hear your feedback, perspective and supportive comments on my new post. I’m all nerves today but I think I did the right thing! 

[doingtherightthing]

3 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Sure I would love to read it.

I posted it. I hope it’s showing up? 

[basil67]

I imagine that getting this off your chest was quite cathartic.   That the president didn't give you his thoughts on your boss was simply about being professional.   But kindly, him suggesting that you leaving was the best choice does suggest there was two sides to the story.  Otherwise, he would have said "I wish you'd come to me earlier" of "would you consider returning if we can get this situation addressed"

I hope you can move forward now. 

[doingtherightthing]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

I imagine that getting this off your chest was quite cathartic.   That the president didn't give you his thoughts on your boss was simply about being professional.   But kindly, him suggesting that you leaving was the best choice does suggest there was two sides to the story.  Otherwise, he would have said "I wish you'd come to me earlier" of "would you consider returning if we can get this situation addressed"

I hope you can move forward now. 

Thank you, yeah it seemed that my improper navigation when his coming onto made it seemed that I “welcomed” it. I wonder what do you mean by two sides of the story? Care to share? 

[doingtherightthing]

2 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

I, for one, think you did the right thing.  This is SORT OF standing up for yourself which is GREAT.  I (being in the President's position) would want to know how one of my manager's was acting in the workplace. There is zero place in business OR WHEREEVER for a man to make lady FEEL like he DID YOU. PERIOD, End of Story.  This was a tough lesson for you to learn and go through but you are going to be SOOOOOOO much better off in the future. 

Thank you! I wonder though , going off of Basil’s comments, about the 2 sides of the story? Perhaps my boss had a feeling , I’d come to the president and had put something in the President’s head about me already.

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, doingtherightthing said:

Thank you, yeah it seemed that my improper navigation when his coming onto made it seemed that I “welcomed” it. I wonder what do you mean by two sides of the story? Care to share? 

I wasn't in your office, so I can't speculate what it may have been.  I just find it odd that the President didn't appear to convey regret around your leaving or say that he wished he'd known about it earlier so he could have addressed it before you got to the point of leaving.   Anyway, it doesn't matter now because you're out and able to start again

[doingtherightthing]

1 minute ago, happyhorizons said:

I didn't READ IT LIKE THAT.  I think the President meant that was in the OP's best interest to have resigned.  Of course, the BOSS would spin things a different way most narcissistic people DO SUCH THINGS.  

That makes sense. At some point when confronting my boss about seemingly inappropriate behavior with the client, he kept referring back to the time when I confronted him. The way he worded it was as I was coming onto him!   I said I never came onto you. I thought it was crazy how he tried to flip it. I think, as soon as I confronted him, the boss, flipped it and told people ( perhaps when the President) that I was “coming” onto him. This is wild! 

[doingtherightthing]

Just now, basil67 said:

I wasn't in your office, so I can't speculate what it may have been.  I just find it odd that the President didn't appear to convey regret around your leaving or say that he wished he'd known about it earlier so he could have addressed it before you got to the point of leaving.   Anyway, it doesn't matter now because you're out and able to start again

He probably doesn’t want to get “sued” or perhaps my boss portrayed me in a “different light.”